Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

This sounds really hard OP and you were already pouring from an empty cup before the cancer diagnosis. Can you speak to macmillan and see if they can offer any counselling or pratical advise on how to manage this going forward?

Jesus Christ.

Thanks @Mumlaplomb . I have only spoken to MacMillan once and since we’re waiting for results I’m not sure how much help they’ll be, as truthfully as much as I feel awful for DH on a personal level I am not feeling a sense of personal bereavement, or feeling like I’m losing someone who has been supportive and worked with me as a team. That’s honest, if people don’t like that I don’t know what I am supposed to say.

Have you posted about this before OP? Apologies if not but I remember something similar about working in the front room, and the cancer diagnosis.

Anyway, regardless you don't have to stay with him out of sympathy, although I know that it really wouldnt be easy to leave.

What have you got to lose by speaking to Macmillan again? They might have something helpful to offer. If not, you would be no worse off than you are already.

You sound like you have assumptions about the right way to be dealing with cancer and that somehow you are doing it wrong. There is no right way to do cancer, it's just f*cking awful.

It would be impossible to leave at the moment, genuinely.

Speaking to MacMillan involves having to get through and talk to somebody and then you get put through to somebody else and talk to them. I have absolutely no privacy at the moment, literally none. I know that life admin is such a stupid term but I’m struggling hugely to keep on top of that even.

If he has to have the front room as his office, is there a different space that can become the playroom? Can you afford a small garden room/fancy shed in the garden for them to play in? Or rearrange their bedroom(s) to give them room to play there?

Also now would be a good time to lean on any support you have - do you have friends/family in the area that could have the kids sometimes so you can get on top of things like your life admin/making plans?

There was a thread similar to this recently

Are you claiming everything you can lay your hands on? Because I would be looking for maximum childcare for the kids. Holiday clubs, Woodcraft Folk camp, Scout camp, camps run by charities for children in your kids situation.

Also this is the time to scream for help to your wider network. Dh was chronically ill basically all through ds’s childhood and it was bloody difficult. But he had friends whose families simply opened their houses and hearts to him. Now, several years after dh’s untimely death, he is moving in with a friend he has known since primary school, they are SO close. I adore the friends’ parents too.

If you have any family at all, reach out to them too. A week with an aunt or cousin?

My assumption here is that if the kids are doing better and you have a bit more mental space, your resentment may lessen. I do think you need to find whatever warm heart you can. Your Dh is very very far from perfect - you need to find ways to keep pouring from the cup somehow.

Presumably he at least contributed to your family by earning the money and paying the bills. He obviously has a strong work ethic if he is working through his pain and illness.

You sound like you simply fell out of love with him. Life is supposed to be hard work when you have such young children and your DH is not entirely to blame for how you feel now. It sounds like much of like is coming from you, not as a result of his wrongdoing. Like why would it occur to him to pack the swimming goggles if he’s under the impression that the swimming bag is already packed?

I agree with the advice to talk to MacMillan. Do it via email if talking is difficult. There is so much support they can offer that you wouldn’t realise and they are there for you and your children as much as your DH.

If your DH is in a lot of pain would this not suggest that the cancer is quite advanced? Apologies if I’m being insensitive, it’s just that the advice given would change considerably if the cancer is early stage and treatable, or late stage and not treatable.

You are the family that has a garden room?

It would be very helpful (for me) if people could stop contributing comments like ‘there was a thread like this recently.’ It honestly isn’t adding anything as far as I can see anyway. If it was me, how does that help; if it wasn’t, how does that help? I obviously can’t control it but I can but ask!

@PermanentTemporary i asked DH if we could keep DD in nursery until the end of August but no, absolutely not, too much money. There isn’t any summer childcare available for her. I’ve booked DS into a couple of days holiday clubs but it’s a) expensive and b) unfair on him. We have applied for PIP but haven’t received an answer yet.

@SpottyPyjama he does have a strong work ethic but it can also be an avoidance tactic, and he’s done this before (after my c section leaving me with a toddler and infected wound) and right now he doesn’t need to be working. It’s voluntary. I do understand it is a distraction but it is very difficult when he doesn’t even get dressed at weekends and then Monday morning comes around he is purposeful once more.

I am trying to be balanced here and I do recognise his situation as heartbreaking but I also know he will avoid parenting where he can, that’s not intended to be particularly critical even, I just know what he is like. He sees it as my role: I cook the meals and plan the meals and I do the school and nursery runs and sort the clubs for when I can’t.

I don’t think DH is a bad man. But he has been lazy and selfish and it’s difficult to feel supported by someone when they are like that.

If this thread goes like the other, OP isn't really looking for suggestions or solutions, just a place to vent.

OP this sounds really hard. If I were you I would make an alternative space where my children and I could chill and hang out. I know this is difficult and not ideal.

There are precisely 4 ways to solve a problem (not all 4 work for every situation).

1. Explain the issue/ask for help.

Ask DH to give you and the kids a regular time in the living room, say 3-6pm, while he has a rest. Or ask him if he has a suggestion for sharing the space better.

1. Do things a different way: Find a different place for you and the kids, or find a different place for him to work.

1. Negotiate/compromise/ meet in the middle. A bit like the first response: see if there's a compromise solution.

1. Leave it and come back to it later: This is what you have been doing, but you haven't been able to overcome your resentment and irritation. You could make a conscious decision to accept that he is in the living room for the whole Summer holiday, but that come Sept you may be able to compromise on timings or something, and just let the irritation go. Or, accept that leaving it and coming back to it later just isn't working for you, so you need to consider one of the other 3 ways to solve your problem.

Good luck, it sounds very difficult for all of you.

I dont know what the layout of your house is. Is it possible to make your living room into his bedroom and office. Then you could use the bedroom as a play area for the kids.

@Fullydisgruntled i can see I made a mistake reaching out here.

1. he will not find a different place, even if there was one. I am (as I’ve explained) out with the children 9-5, seven days a week, it’s very hot, I’m very tired and very poor.
2. You can only compromise if someone is willing to compromise. He isn’t.
3. I don’t think I’m irritated so much as worried and sad. This could go on for many years with us losing our home, basically, I don’t really know how else to explain it. He won’t stop working, he won’t move (and can’t really, he is in the most awful pain. I don’t want the thread to just make out this selfish husband. He genuinely is in agony. But it’s the insistence on the house being his office that’s causing a lot of problems.

Life could (and most probably will) drag on like this for years. I am kind of resigned to this in a way. I realise the instinct is to problem solve but just as DHs cancer is not curable nor is the current situation.

Ok, firstly deep breath and lay aside any self-flagellation about what your lack of grief or sadness means or doesnt mean. You're in survival mode right now.

At present you dont have a diagnosis (beyond "its cancer" nor a prognosis.

Until then your reality is that

1. DH in in pain and has limited mobility
2. the kids are off school for a couple of weeks/month and need to be looked after.
3. DH working from the living room while the kids are off is not sustainable or practical.
4. you're at the end of your tether.

Does DH job or yours offer any kind of employee assistance programe? Why is DH not signed off? If he has been working he can do desk-based family admin while signed off including getting some childcare (holiday camp or family or friends or paid babysitter) while you, OP, do whatever you want - sleep, watch Netflix, whatever. For several days.

Have you told your employer and have they been supportive?

Im really sorry you've been enrolled in this shit club. I joined when DS 1 was 6 months old. Dm me if helpful.

DH has been told he can do just a tiny about of work per week ‘around twenty minutes’ and they will count that as FT. The fact he’s continuing to work is 100% voluntarily. Yes, it’s a distraction which I do get.

He could do a lot but the fact is, he’s never done it before, he isn’t going to start now. I’m not expecting him to change.

I dont think you are a bad person. What you feel or dont feel is beyond your control. You just feel how you feel. You could be in shock. You could be apathetic. You could just be too exhausted to feel anything. Don't put judgement on yourself for that.

Has your Dh talked to his work? What are his in service benefits? Ask him to talk to his manager about short term funding during the holidays - see if they have any suggestions.

Are you jointly at the point where you are talking to his pension provider (if any) about what decisions to make?

You have every right to google the local community palliative care team and give them a call. You don’t need his permission to talk to them on your own behalf and for the kids, though obviously that would be better.

Turn2Us Grants sometimes have options. Funding for something like a week’s holiday camp for the children is the sort of thing it can be easier to get.

Is your dp or you in a union?

I guess the point is that for whatever reason this news has made me realise how unequal things have been for years and it’s as if I am really ‘seeing’ the last five years or so clearly for the first time: all the bath and bedtime stories I’ve done solo as DH has sat downstairs and all the nursery runs and pickups, all the soft play afternoons and park mornings while DH sits at home, all the freezing cold 5am starts watching teletubbies with a toddler while DH snored upstairs. I took it as normal for ages, and now I can see it. I don’t know why I’m seeing it amidst a cancer diagnosis but I am. The insistence on working feels like another act of selfishness.

It might sound a silly suggestion, but can you get another TV and small table for the biggest bedroom so that the DC have somewhere else in the house to eat and draw and chill out?

It sounds very hard for you @aponyatblackbirdcottage

Given all of your circumstances, put all of the resentment (that you rightly feel) aside for the immediate future. And talk to your friends a lot! Self-preservation if you do not wish to separate at the moment.

Practically, screening his work area off might help keep the children out of his way.

I don't want to give you false hope, but this kind of diagnosis can provoke massive shifts in perspective and thus quite radical changes in behaviour. Is it worth having a serious convo asking if this is the way he wants his kids to remember him? Or some therapy to help you both cope?
Does he fully understand and accept his diagnosis or is he ignoring it and trying to maintain his working=coping facade?