20 years together & now zero intimacy.

[HumsWhileHePees]

Guys,

I’ll try & not elongate this & keep it short.
partner & I have been together 20 years, together since 16 childhood sweethearts. We’re now both 36. 2 gorgeous kids & overall a fantastic relationship. It’s built on trust, loyalty & honesty & an a great fairly balanced home life.

there’s 1 issue though that’s seems to be putting a little strain on things is our intimacy… I’m talking within the last 6 years possibly 3 maybe 4 times 5 absolutely maximum. 2 of which our kids were conceived.
I have not put any pressure at all on her. My youngest is 2 & we haven’t had sex since his conception.

we have had chats were I state that I miss that side of the relationship & at first she said that she was scared of getting pregnant again as two kids is hard enough. I agreed & I got a vasectomy…. Unfortunately nothing changed.
I don’t want to keep trying it on as I’m getting a little bit dejected when she says she’s tired etc.

our last chat 10 weeks ago she said that due to her having the kids all day while I’m at work. Sex is the last thing on her mind. Fair enough, it is hard I agree.

however, on Saturday attended a wedding out in the Cotswolds, full spa treatment for her in the day, beautiful day - few glasses of wine, come the end of the night.

nothing. She just turned over & doom scrolled TikTok.

she couldn’t have been ‘tired’
first child free night in two years.
just rolled over.

I honestly could’ve cried on the drive on the way back home on Sunday.

we’ve been together 16 years & although I don’t think sex is the be all & end all.
I do think it’s an important part.

as my friend said “you may as well live your sister at this point”

where do I go with this? I love her & love my little family life but she has zero interest in sex. Zero.
I don’t want to think that I’m going to go
My whole life without sex.

5 times in 6 years?! I'd be gone.

I mean your options are either talk to her, see if she wants to work on it (have you asked her?) and go from there, OR, decide this relationship isn't fulfilling you and walk away. Life is too short!

Yes we’ve spoken several times.
no times has she stated wether she actually wants sex. Just excuses to why we’re not.

I couldn’t imagine walking out of a 16 year relationship & seeing my children everyday due to lack of sex.?

I know my options are limited I’d just want some more views.

appreciate the reply

Are you intimate in other ways, kisses and cuddles? If you are then try believing her that she is tired, how can you share the load?

Okay, so she hasn't told you the real reason by the sounds of things. Not suggesting you'd be walking out on your kids purely due to a lack of sex - but if she knows it means a lot to you, and doesn't seem to want to do anything about it, are you sure she hasn't already checked out? Sounds like you guys need to sit down with a third party who can perhaps nudge the conversation in ways that you'd both benefit from.

Firstly we're not guys.

You promised not to elongate your post but by the end of it you'd forgotten 4 years of your 20 (or was it 16?) year relationship.

What is it with men coming into a parenting site to whinge about your sex lives? What do you expect us to do, are we meant to say something that will magically make your wife want you again?

Sounds like you're already bitching to a mate about your wife so what do you need from us?

Yes. You are going to have to have a heartfelt conversation.

It may be that she has decided that she's got her 2 kids and couldn't care less if she never had sex again but in a monogamous relationship that just isn't fair to not discuss that with the other person.

Or there is something else going on for her, feels unsupported etc tired etc and you can do what you can to help rectify that.

But at 36 you can't go on like this.
I speak from experience and I didn't make the right choice when I was in the same situation as you.

X

Tell her that a relationship without sex is almost a friendship- ask if this is how she views you now?

I think you’ve been very patient tbh

Sadly your options are not looking good

OP, I’ve been in the same situation, except it was my ex who never wanted sex. We had many talks, things didn’t improve, I eventually ended the relationship.

It doesn’t seem like your wife will want to start having sex again anytime soon. Only you can make the decision regarding the future of your marriage.

Things may improve when your children are older, they may not.

Typical hateful response to a male poster. “Guys” is often used as a unisex term, as I’m sure you’re well aware.

Hi,

I’m really sorry if for some reason I have offended you. The relationship is 20 years long. No idea why I wrote 16, think I was thinking of the age we got together.
wasn’t bitching to a friend either. I was opening up to him as men are encouraged to talk nowadays.

i was hoping for a perspective from the otherside. A women’s view on this. Someone who doesn’t know either of us personally who can be totally non biased & brutally honest in their replies.

Hey,
thanks for your reply.

Now & again but generally it’s me who initiates this.

I share the workload as evenly as I can.
I get up with the kids, make breakfast & lunches before the school run.
I also do the bath times & bedtime routines & clean as & when I can.
I wish I could do more but I work 50 hrs per week so I’m not always at home a lot

Do you not get sick of men plopping into this site with this one very specific issue? I don't have a problem with men per se and if they're participating across the site as part of the community, but so many are just here to help us fix their broken sex appliance.

Either that or they're hoping she'll read it and the subsequent pile-on they're hoping for.

She’d probably rather not think about it. If you don’t want sex you try to avoid it as much as possible. Tbh a handful of times over years is telling you something. She’s making excuses, presumably to avoid saying ‘I don’t care if I ever have sex again but I love you and I don’t want you to leave.’

I think suggest couples counselling - and book it yourself. I don’t think that she can realistically expect to stop having sex with a guy in his 30s with a normal sex drive and have the same marriage.

If your youngest is 2, she may very well just be 'touched out'. Caring constantly for little kids is really physical - lots of carrying, cuddling, being prodded and poked. Is she still breastfeeding? For some women, the thought of any additional physical contact is just massively unappealing when you're in that stage.

Honest communication is key. And 'paying into' your relationship 'account' without the expectation of anything (i.e. sex) in return. Just doing nice stuff, not being critical of each other, little gestures, etc, can really help. As having regular honest chats about how things are for you both and being honest about any resentments. If she's doing the lions' share of the child rearing and you're off having a life at work, there's likely some resentment going on there too.

There's no 'other side' or uniquely female view on this.

Your wife doesn't want sex. Or she doesn't want sex with you. There could be a multitude of reasons, only she knows why.

I agree with others you need to have a proper chat with her - ask her what her thoughts are for the future and then see if you can live with that. I couldn’t be in a sexless marriage, but appreciate and respect that others can.

You did though write in your post:

however on Saturday attended a wedding out in the Cotswolds, full spa treatment for her in the day, beautiful day - few glasses of wine, come the end of the night.
nothing. She just turned over & doom scrolled TikTok.
she couldn’t have been ‘tired’
first child free night in two years.
just rolled over.

I am worried that you think one child free night in 2 years is enough to make her want sex!! and that she couldn’t possibly be tired because she had a massage and a glass of wine. I mean really???

Before the chat just double check that she has as much down time as you? she sees her friends (without the kids) as often as you do? when you are home you are doing housework/ kids stuff/ having a lie in each at the weekend? etc….. I am guessing from your post that this may be unequal.. if so I would start there with your conversation.

Hi,

yes understood. & apologies if this question gets rolled out like a revolving door! I rarely check this thread. I’m often found on the AIBU thread 😂

being honest - I know there’s isn’t uniquely female view deep down. I’m just clutching at straws as I don’t feel as if I have anywhere else to turn.

anyhow, thanks. Hope you have a good night

No, not at all. There are so many women on here who think it’s perfectly reasonable to ‘retire’ from sex when they’re still comparatively young, and expect their partners to accept it without complaint. There was a poster recently who posted about her DH having gone off sex, and mentioned all her friends thought she was being ridiculous and should count her blessings. I’m not surprised these men are hurt and frustrated, and if they want to get a female perspective here, so be it.

Even the stresses and strains of young children doesn’t really account for that little interest.
It may well be she doesnt fancy you but cant/wont admit it as divorce probably seems the worse option.

So i think the conversation needs to be about how she feels about the marriage and you need to be able to read between the lines - which is by no means a universal skill

Absolutely not.

as I have put above I take on a hell of a lot.
early morning.
long nights.
kids lunches.
house cleaning
food shops.
bedtime
bath time
meal planning
kids clothes buying
kids hair appointments.
housework etc

im not asking for praise. We’re a team & a good one at that.

sounds like tim took and social media is her downtime and escapism and that can be addictive.have a chat again but don't focus on lack of sex,focus more on little acts of kindness and flirting ye can re commence,kiss good bye,hello kiss,give each other compliments,hold hands watching tv, remember what ye had at the beginning....and work up to making more effort with one another..keep topic away from sex for the moment..it seems a little distant for the current situation ye are in...so take time..your family are speci so take time to work on this...

Some questions to consider (no expectation for you to answer here):
Are you intimate in ways that are not physical/sexual?
Do you talk about stuff beyond the day to day logistics?
What things make her happy?
What inspires her?
What makes her heart sing?
What are her fears?
What makes her laugh?
What might she like to learn?
Where might she like to travel?
Who is she beyond a mum and wife?
What makes her feel seen?

And all of the above for you too. Do you talk about these things?
Are you vulnerable with each other when you speak?

Unfortunately she has probably grown out of you or gone off you sexually.

4/5 times in 6 years is a sexless marriage and it won’t get better. You either accept it, spell it out to her what is at risk, or end it.

Female here.

I would find this untenable in my marriage, DH and I have been together a similar amount of years to you OP and we’re having conversations to make sure we carve out time if we go dry for more than about 2 weeks.

And whilst I know every marriage is different, this set up is clearly not working for you, and it is okay for you to acknowledge that fact. I personally also don’t think you should have to dance around your wife about it either, there are two people in a marriage and both have to be happy with the status quo. I think it’s highly unfair of her to expect you to stay in a sexless marriage if that’s not what you both want. You got to seriously talk to her, I wish I could advise how, because the last thing you want is pity sex, or thinking that she’s unwilling and just doing it because she doesn’t want to lose you, because that’s just as bad if not worse than no sex at all.

He sounds genuine to me and he wants a woman’s point of view rather than men’s. He sounds respectful and wants to sort his relationship out.
Talking about sex with other men is often a no no as they can be brash and insensitive ( and maybe he doesn’t want them to think badly of her)
I would hate to be in a sexless relationship, it must be soul destroying ( and I’m in my late 50’s) … and no masturbating is not a long term solution when you want to share that connection.