20 years together & now zero intimacy.

[HumsWhileHePees]

Guys,

I’ll try & not elongate this & keep it short.
partner & I have been together 20 years, together since 16 childhood sweethearts. We’re now both 36. 2 gorgeous kids & overall a fantastic relationship. It’s built on trust, loyalty & honesty & an a great fairly balanced home life.

there’s 1 issue though that’s seems to be putting a little strain on things is our intimacy… I’m talking within the last 6 years possibly 3 maybe 4 times 5 absolutely maximum. 2 of which our kids were conceived.
I have not put any pressure at all on her. My youngest is 2 & we haven’t had sex since his conception.

we have had chats were I state that I miss that side of the relationship & at first she said that she was scared of getting pregnant again as two kids is hard enough. I agreed & I got a vasectomy…. Unfortunately nothing changed.
I don’t want to keep trying it on as I’m getting a little bit dejected when she says she’s tired etc.

our last chat 10 weeks ago she said that due to her having the kids all day while I’m at work. Sex is the last thing on her mind. Fair enough, it is hard I agree.

however, on Saturday attended a wedding out in the Cotswolds, full spa treatment for her in the day, beautiful day - few glasses of wine, come the end of the night.

nothing. She just turned over & doom scrolled TikTok.

she couldn’t have been ‘tired’
first child free night in two years.
just rolled over.

I honestly could’ve cried on the drive on the way back home on Sunday.

we’ve been together 16 years & although I don’t think sex is the be all & end all.
I do think it’s an important part.

as my friend said “you may as well live your sister at this point”

where do I go with this? I love her & love my little family life but she has zero interest in sex. Zero.
I don’t want to think that I’m going to go
My whole life without sex.

It won't get better. Anything you do will never be enough, and she clearly couldn't care less about your happiness.

Your options are to put up with it, leave, or have an affair. None of those are good, and the last two will probably mean the loss of the relationship you currently have with your children - a high price to pay for finding a better relationship.

I agree with you. I don't understand the sarcastic, rude replies. It's a bit pathetic to be honest

He already talked to other men about her, though? It's right there in the OP.

Every single one of these is the same. Man comes here complaining about lack of 'intimacy'. Claims relationship is otherwise fabulous. Claims does loads round the house. Then mask slips, does what he can around his (important man) job, can't believe she didn't want sex with him after she had one, single day away from the children. The only thing missing from lack-of-'intimacy'-bingo is that you keep yourself trim with regular gym attendance and your pals confirm you're hot stuff.

Erm as a woman I find it very odd. Me and dh are both 38 and have been together since 17 married at 18 have several children from age 2-16 and intimacy, cuddles,kisses,holding hands all of it hasn't got less. Deeper and more meaningful as the years have gone by. I sahm and he works but more than shares the load when home and we always made time for each other even while kids were babies each day once they were asleep etc...I adore my dh and i would be pretty worried if the life your describing was mine for so long

Other men?

I spoke to one man.

my best friend since childhood, the best man at my wedding, where have you made the assumption of that I’m speaking to multiple men from?

why do you think so bad of me?

OP I wouldn't engage that poster, unfortunately there is a small minority here who have had bad experiences in their relationships and subsequently hate all men. You'll never please them and there is no point trying to.

As other posters have said, I think you need a proper conversation about this because your dw is completely refusing to engage. I would arrange and book a relationship counselling session, tell her when and where it is happening, and take it from there.

Does your wife realise how unhappy this is making you?

Would she engage in couples therapy?

It seems, like others have said the options are:

1.Put up with it - soul destroying...

1. Leave-problems living apart from your kids

3.Have an affair - potentially marriage ending.

The 4th Alternative and one which I think may run if your wife agrees..?

A respectful open relationship. Where she knows and agrees to that you develop a physical relationship elsewhere.. But in a very boundaried way.

Many peiole do do this..but for obvious reasons keep it quiet.

In a different lifetime I worked with people in relationship difficulty.

OP

Please ignore the negative posters

There are safe places to talk about this online but it's not here in general. You will have a mix and the angry responses can be off-putting.

DeadBedrooms on Reddit will feel safe (not always good for advice but to feel less alone)
DrPsychMom has some good articles on lack of sex, Responsive Desire and is very open about sex in general. She has a podcast and a good male audience

Yes this can be solved but it involves you both becoming very vulnerable with each other which is easier said than done. The pain will have to build up to crisis point and one or both of you will need to burst probably. Sounds like you are the one going in that direction but she won't be oblivious to your pain, more likely simply unaware of the extent of it and how to solve it without compromising herself.

The clue is some very painful honesty on both side

Good luck. ❤️

I dont know if this helps as my husband and I are intimate more regularly. However we have not been for some time.
I am SO touched out by raising the children that when theyre finally in bed, the last thing i want is to be touched so on a night away I cannot wait to be left alone. We recently went away for 2 nights and I did not want sex the 1st night. I wanted complete relaxation and no pressure to be anything for anyone. Night 2 we did as I was finally relaxed. If my husband was booking a night away to try get it, id be instantly turned off. Do something nice for sake of it.
Your wife needs a longer break, no pressure. Another example. My husband would offer me a massage aka try it on after. I was so fed up with the alterior motives. On the occasions he gave me a massage purely cause he wanted me to relax, I initiated sex.
I do think in general a relationship cannot survive without sex unless both want that. Youre not unreasonable to want intimacy. What does your wife say when you ask her? Does she miss that side? Are you intimate in other ways?

Couples counselling might help. You should, then, be able to find out the real reason she doesn't want sex. I don't believe it's cos she's tired. It could be hormonal. But there's something and imo you need to get to the bottom of it. See a therapist together

I'd couch it that the lack of physical togetherness, cuddles etc .....is effecting the marriage badly and you want to work it out. Don't fixate on sex

I agree with this poster op, these are the options.

Also see a marriage counsellor who specialises in intimacy.

Your wife needs to know how important this is for you. Agree that without any sex you are housemates who do childcare together.

Maybe an open relationship is the way forwards if that would be acceptable to your wife.... good luck!

My DH and I are similar ages and also have been together since we were 16, with two DC aged 7 and 10.

We stopped having regular sex for 2 years after our eldest was born, despite my DH initiating I would always reject him. I wasn’t tired or struggling I actually loved maternity leave it was the happiest most relaxed time of my life.

But my body had changed during pregnancy, and I was a dress size bigger, I felt disgusting and didn’t want my DH to touch me. My DH still complimented me etc but I’d convinced myself he was just saying I looked nice as that’s what he’s supposed to say. I’d convinced myself that he didn’t really want to have sex with me, and when he started to go longer and longer between initiating this sort of confirmed it for me.

We had a night away when DD was 2, he initiated and whilst we started to have sex, I wasn’t a very enthusiastic participant as I had low confidence. He stopped shortly after starting and actually cried, and said that he could tell I didn’t want to have sex. We had an honest conversation and I realised that I needed to sort my body confidence issues or it could end our relationship.

I had counselling to go through why my self worth is so tied to looking a certain way and it really helped. We started having regular sex again shortly after the trip away.

I think you should try couples counselling as none of us here will know what your wife is thinking. My DH had no idea what I was feeling as I didn’t want to talk to him about it.

Sorry to hear this OP. No sex in a relationship is a huge issue and would be a deal breaker for me.

Only your wife knows why she does not want to have sex with you and it isn’t fair for her to keep you in the dark. I would start with saying you love her and want to be with her but the relationship is on the rocks so you want to attend relationship counselling.

If your wife refuses to attend then she isn’t interested in fixing this. I hope she does agree and you can work through whatever the problem is but you can’t just drift through life hoping this will fix itself. It won’t.

What are you both actually doing to build connection?
There is a lot of complaining in your post but nothing detailing what you have been doing to rebuild a deeper connection with your wife post children?
Lack of sex is often a symptom of missing emotional intimacy in a relationship.

Why so hateful? Almost all posts on mumsnet are asking for advice from strangers regarding people they don’t know. I’m a woman and I think sex 5 times in 6 years is not great for a relationship if both persons haven’t decided for it to be that way. I think his post seems respectful, genuinely asking for advice and opinions.

Yet I didn't see any constructive advice or opinions from you. What do you think OP should be doing to get his wife to have sex with him?

I’m sure you already know that sex is very different from men and women. Higher testosterone levels mean men are generally up for sex more often and without the need for much emotional intimacy beforehand. For many women it’s the exact opposite, she most likely feels the pressure building, I’m sure at the wedding/spa she was constantly thinking you’d ask her for sex, she most likely didn’t fully relax. If it was just one night away it probably wasn’t enough for her to switch off from home life completely and get in the mood. Having small children I really hard work, it can be mentally draining where you feel you just can’t do anything more then whet you’re doing for the children.

does she work? Does she have hobbies/friends? Maybe she’s so wrapped up in being a great mum that along the way she’s lost a bit of herself? The relaxed fun part?

She already told him it's because she's wrapped up in looking after the kids, it was in the first post. Clearly he's not satisfied with that explanation.

Ester Perel writes about sex in long term relationships. Might be worth having a look at some of her books/podcasts.

Most 36 years olds, in a romantic relationship, would not be remotely satisfied with having sex around once every 18 months in the last 5 years.

Why do you seem so annoyed about it though? Most people I know would not be happy with sex 5 times in 6 years. Even when you’re wrapped up in the kids you can talk about it. She could say more clearly that she doesn’t fancy him anymore or that she’s depressed, or that she just has no libido right now. I’d be incredibly upset if my dh showed no interest in sex with me, I’d feel very rejected and most likely presume he didn’t fancy me or love me anymore. The OP has a right to wonder what may be wrong in his relationship and I think women will know more than men as to the reasons it may be, hence him asking here. So maybe if you can’t understand this poster or their questions then move onto another post where you can help.

How old is your eldest child? Was the sex already a rare occurrence before they were conceived?

There are a lot of assumptions being made on here about your relationship and how your wife feels, which isn't particularly helpful.

It takes the willingness of both partners to communicate openly about any issues in a relationship. If one isn't going to open up then it's dead in the water. You need to establish whether or not your DW is willing to listen to how you feel without defensiveness or shutting the conversation down.

OP, some people have very low sex drives, yiur wife could be one of those. I would talk to her to see if she’s willing to see a doctor as coukd potentially be something hormonal that can be looked at. Would be such a shame not to try and solve this as you otherwise appear to be a close couple.

Having gone through this (I am the woman), I don't see it getting better to be brutal.
He tried, I tried, but all my desire died in my late 30s and never came back.
And no, I wasn't "touched out", mental load, etc. - more a combination of menopause I guess and depression.