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Relationships

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20 years together & now zero intimacy.

108 replies

HumsWhileHePees · 27/07/2026 22:01

Guys,

I’ll try & not elongate this & keep it short.
partner & I have been together 20 years, together since 16 childhood sweethearts. We’re now both 36. 2 gorgeous kids & overall a fantastic relationship. It’s built on trust, loyalty & honesty & an a great fairly balanced home life.

there’s 1 issue though that’s seems to be putting a little strain on things is our intimacy… I’m talking within the last 6 years possibly 3 maybe 4 times 5 absolutely maximum. 2 of which our kids were conceived.
I have not put any pressure at all on her. My youngest is 2 & we haven’t had sex since his conception.

we have had chats were I state that I miss that side of the relationship & at first she said that she was scared of getting pregnant again as two kids is hard enough. I agreed & I got a vasectomy…. Unfortunately nothing changed.
I don’t want to keep trying it on as I’m getting a little bit dejected when she says she’s tired etc.

our last chat 10 weeks ago she said that due to her having the kids all day while I’m at work. Sex is the last thing on her mind. Fair enough, it is hard I agree.

however, on Saturday attended a wedding out in the Cotswolds, full spa treatment for her in the day, beautiful day - few glasses of wine, come the end of the night.

nothing. She just turned over & doom scrolled TikTok.

she couldn’t have been ‘tired’
first child free night in two years.
just rolled over.

I honestly could’ve cried on the drive on the way back home on Sunday.

we’ve been together 16 years & although I don’t think sex is the be all & end all.
I do think it’s an important part.

as my friend said “you may as well live your sister at this point”

where do I go with this? I love her & love my little family life but she has zero interest in sex. Zero.
I don’t want to think that I’m going to go
My whole life without sex.

OP posts:
UjNev · 30/07/2026 20:15

Thisistyresome · 30/07/2026 18:14

Well, I do consider being a rapist something serious that should not be devalued by people throwing it around as an insult. If you disagree, fine, but that doesn’t change my opinion.

You call it drivel, yet you don’t try and address any of the point made.

Should people lie about what others have said? Is that acceptable? There were multiple posts saying responding “I didn’t say that” but addressing those lies bothers you…

As for suggesting people should not be facilitating other people having unnecessary or harmful medical treatment, I’m sorry that position offends you but it is a fairly regular position.

If you think criticising lies and really weird behaviour “ruins” a thread I think you may want to explain why?

Sorry, I didn't make myself clear! I meant the person you quoted, not you.

Mackerelfillets · 30/07/2026 20:58

Female here. I have been with DH for 26 years. We had 3 kids and there were times when I was too tired for sex but never a time during that period where we never had sex. I fear your relationship may have run its course. To never want sex pre menopause when previously you had plenty? No desire to be intimate in anyway, no spontaneous cuddles or touches? If you really can't see your whole life without sex (and I don't blame you) serious conversations need to be had. To keep my sex life alive during menopause I do take testosterone gel as well as HRT patches. Maybe a trip to the GP/counselling if she wants to stay together.

researchers3 · 30/07/2026 21:08

MilkBreadToiletroll · 28/07/2026 07:44

Ester Perel writes about sex in long term relationships. Might be worth having a look at some of her books/podcasts.

Ester Perel is bloody awful. Affair apologist.

mama913 · 30/07/2026 21:16

Contrary to some of the responses here, I actually totally sympathise.

similar situation, but married for 8, together for 14 years and my husband is not interested in sex.

as you say, life is not all about sex but it’s almost soul destroying when there’s little to no affection.

I can’t give you any advice, I’m sorry, but thought I’d share the sentiment.

whatever it is that you find works, do share.

FrauPaige · 30/07/2026 21:44

@HumsWhileHePees I'm afraid she is not interested in you romantically anymore. It seems that you've been doing your best to rekindle intimacy by being helpful, accommodating, understanding, and creating as frictionless a home life as possible for her. This is very decent of you, but that won't rekindle the spark. It's gone, and fully extinguished.

The only way to recommence a romantic relationship with her is to start again from the beginning. Zero expectations. Take sex off the cards for a year. Participate in family life, but never attempt romance. Get your swagger back. Don't neglect the home, but start hobbies - running in the morning, reconnecting with friends. Master something. When you are at the point where other women are starting to approach you, there is a chance that your wife will too.

And if she doesn't, then you will be in the right frame of mind to leave knowing that you are simply doing what she desired but couldn't bring herself to ask you to do.

maxslice · 31/07/2026 03:50

Couples counseling?

CountBoscoTheSecondsWife · 31/07/2026 09:17

This sounds very difficult OP. 2 things stood out to me:

  1. I'm glad you came to your senses re the one night away. To say she couldn't have been tired as there were no stresses on that one single day was crazy when you're in the trenches with young children.
  2. I think it's really really unusual that the period of practically zero sex included when your children were conceived. I think most women who are trying to conceive will want sex every day or second day during their fertile phases. The fact that she didn't want it even then would really concern me and I agree with others that hopefully counselling could help that reason come to light. It is possible that she just really doesn't like sex at all - that's what it sounds like to me.
duvet · 31/07/2026 12:11

It can be difficult when the kids are younger, looking back wish we'd had a lock on the bedroom door sooner - that definitely would've helped me relax more. Also might be worth your wife reading one of Emily Nagoskis books on intimacy - it can be helpful - it helped me realise that you cant always 'wait' until you're in the mood. Good luck!!

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