20 years together & now zero intimacy.

[HumsWhileHePees]

Guys,

I’ll try & not elongate this & keep it short.
partner & I have been together 20 years, together since 16 childhood sweethearts. We’re now both 36. 2 gorgeous kids & overall a fantastic relationship. It’s built on trust, loyalty & honesty & an a great fairly balanced home life.

there’s 1 issue though that’s seems to be putting a little strain on things is our intimacy… I’m talking within the last 6 years possibly 3 maybe 4 times 5 absolutely maximum. 2 of which our kids were conceived.
I have not put any pressure at all on her. My youngest is 2 & we haven’t had sex since his conception.

we have had chats were I state that I miss that side of the relationship & at first she said that she was scared of getting pregnant again as two kids is hard enough. I agreed & I got a vasectomy…. Unfortunately nothing changed.
I don’t want to keep trying it on as I’m getting a little bit dejected when she says she’s tired etc.

our last chat 10 weeks ago she said that due to her having the kids all day while I’m at work. Sex is the last thing on her mind. Fair enough, it is hard I agree.

however, on Saturday attended a wedding out in the Cotswolds, full spa treatment for her in the day, beautiful day - few glasses of wine, come the end of the night.

nothing. She just turned over & doom scrolled TikTok.

she couldn’t have been ‘tired’
first child free night in two years.
just rolled over.

I honestly could’ve cried on the drive on the way back home on Sunday.

we’ve been together 16 years & although I don’t think sex is the be all & end all.
I do think it’s an important part.

as my friend said “you may as well live your sister at this point”

where do I go with this? I love her & love my little family life but she has zero interest in sex. Zero.
I don’t want to think that I’m going to go
My whole life without sex.

It could be:

• Awful birth experience/recovery
• Pain during sex
• Change in her body from becoming a mum
• Not feeling good enough
• Mental health - anxiety depression etc
• Medication side effects
• Hormonal changes
• Children’s daily needs/behaviour
• Mental load of looking after a home, children, wider family
• Lack of intimate role modelling - did her parents show a loving supportive relationship?
• Financial worries
• Work worries

(The list could go on but these spring to mind)

Being overwhelmed and overloaded with any of the above leads to wanting to escape and switch off.

Also in my experience parenthood changes you as a person. Whereas before I only had myself to think about and felt the freedom of that, becoming a parent was a totally different ball game. I never got to switch off. And I felt constantly alert as to whether I was parenting right - judgement was everywhere.

What to do about it? I would suggest talking to her without placing blame on her as in it’s her issue and her problem to solve, and that if it carries on you’ll split up as some have suggested. You could ask her to try couples counselling so you can both look at how to improve the relationship and communication between you. If she doesn’t want to do that, then go by yourself and talk it through with someone else who’s trained and impartial.

It’ll take much more than one night away and a spa day to sort it out.

however, on Saturday attended a wedding out in the Cotswolds, full spa treatment for her in the day, beautiful day - few glasses of wine, come the end of the night.
nothing. She just turned over & doom scrolled TikTok.
she couldn’t have been ‘tired’
first child free night in two years.
just rolled over.

That approach was never, ever going to work.
From her point of view, she knew the expectation of sex was there, and she was dreading it all day.

How about getting a regular evening baby sitter, once a week if you can afford it, and going on 'dates' to reconnect with her as a person. Don't expect or ask for sex after at least the first 15 or 20 dates. Just enjoy her company. Tell her each time before you go out that you will not be asking for sex after the date.
One thing that sex therapists do is forbid the couple from having sex. It takes the pressure off. She needs to feel safe with you knowing there is no pressure.

You working 50 hours a week will most definitely not be helping the marriage. She is probably lonely and missing you, not missing sex with you. You need to change jobs or find a way to cut your hours to no more than 40 hours at most. Then prioritise quality time with her, without sex.

I definitely recommend going for marriage counselling.

The only thing you can do is ask her. What can I do to help you? She says she's tired, sometimes the help were recieving isn't the help we need. You might be better swapping chores around. Buys some vitamins for the both of you and the kids. She could be tired because of a deficiency. My DS is nearly 2 and I found out during this pregnancy that blood tests taken when I was pregnant with him I was anaemic and still am.

Is a babysitter an option? Can you find a local service? You need more time together to connect. Women need to feel connected before sex usually, whereas men need sex to connect. When I barely see DH I lose my sex drive very quickly.

Could you buy her something nice, tell her she's beautiful more, alot of women in this rut tend to say that affection without the desire for sex really helps. If every time you kiss her you're trying for sex, or you only kiss her when hoping for sex then it just feels like pressure.

Sex wasn't likely to happen on your first child free night in years. You were expecting it, she will have felt that pressure, and pressure just kills the sex drive.

You have young kids. It's a hard time to get your sex life back. So focus on connection, focus on staying close, giving affection without expectation, making her feel attractive and desired and once the kids are in school and not climbing all over her all the time she can start finding her sex drive again.

If your relationship is otherwise good I wouldn't throw it away with young kids over sex. Just focus on not completely losing eachother during this period.

And you could talk this through with her, agree to take the pressure off sex but stay intimate and connected.

Ignore her - she’s clearly a man hater,

How is your relationship otherwise? Do you get on with each other laugh, joke, do you talk to each other about stuff thats not the kids etc? Is there touch that isn’t about sex, like a cuddle on the sofa while watching a movie etc? I find that if there isn’t much non sexual touch I would be much less keen on sex.

I also think posters are being unfair, our sex life took a nose dive and it was really distressing from me because I felt really rejected all the time. It is emotionally painful to feel like your spouse has zero desire for you.

“however, on Saturday attended a wedding out in the Cotswolds, full spa treatment for her in the day, beautiful day - few glasses of wine, come the end of the night.
nothing. She just turned over & doom scrolled TikTok.”

Game over. I cannot think of many better aphrodisiacs than spa day and wedding in the Cotswolds.

You have two options, leave this union, or come to terms with the fact you are never having sex again. This woman has no sexual interest in you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The fact you’ve put up with this for six years is insane. You must really love this woman.

There's a good substack and youtube video called: Do you not like sex or do you just not like patriarchal sex?

I would check that out. Women usually only want sex worth having.

I think she may have checked out. She has every right to never want it again, and you have every right as a youngish man not to commit to that.

Have your drives always matched? Not to be rude, but if she is not getting anything from it, it can be more hassle than it's worth and she doesn't know how to tell you. It could be a lot of reasons, and you need to have an open and frank conversation where she needs to tell you exactly why she doesn't want to.

It's then on you to decide what you want to do, the resentment will probably creep in at some point.

OP, I hope you’re still here and reading replies. I am one who took a long time to recover post birth. This was physically due to birth injuries and mentally with the huge mental lode of motherhood, the relentless intensity of it all and never, ever being able to relax and switch off day or night. Your body is alien to you after childbirth and if you lack family support (as we did) it takes a long time to pick yourself up and start to feel human again as you literally have no time for self care. We had 2 non-sleeping babies and feeding issues with both that took us to our physical and mental limit. What women go through in pregnancy and childbirth is life changing although I know of many who had easier times with it, sadly many others who had it worse and are still living with the fallout. I am one who never fully recovered and the emotional/ mental trauma leaves scars no one sees.

2 years old for your youngest is still very very young, they are basically ‘walking babies’ at this point. For my DH and I we found the most intensive and stressful years were between 1- 3 years old as the baby becomes mobile but not safety aware and the stress of having to be on it at all times to safeguard them is real, also infant illnesses come thick and fast, DH and I were ill a lot and we had to manage the elder DC and their needs and work too. Your wife has so much to cope with and needs your love, compassion and support more than ever.

Put sex aside and please think how your wife experienced pregnancy and childbirth. Particularly if there was any trauma involved. Hormones play a big part - did she breastfeed or is still breastfeeding? You can actively detach from sexual touch during this time as a subconscious primal self preservation response to avoid further pregnancy. This makes sense when you think about what our bodies have to endure, I love my DH but remember not wanting him anywhere near me as far a sex went when I was nursing, also delirious with sleep deprivation and trying to cope with 24/7 motherhood and high levels of stress and exhaustion.

Hey all (not guys)

I'm definitely still here, I’ve been quietly reading all your comments with interest throughout the day at work they’ve admittedly been an eye opener at times.

I do see now in hindsight (such a fickle mistress I know) that perhaps expecting intimacy after a spa & wedding was a little naive. I think I was more confused & upset that she just decided to turn over. If she didn’t want it that’s fine but just tell me.

we’ve got a fantastic relationship & as I say a great balance of the housework & kids. I also encourage her to go out often or I’ll take the kids out on a weekend so she can just have some downtime. Watching trashy tv, I do love sitting down at the table on an evening where we can speak about the day together. On paper, the marriage is … perfect. But it’s just missing the physical side.

she does take on the lions share of house work & watching the kids which I genuinely wish I could do more but I do work. One comment mentioned potentially moving jobs but I’m an operations director in the security industry. It’s a position that I’ve worked for since I was 18 slumming it on the doors of nightclubs. We’re in a privileged position financially so I doubt even she would want me to move roles. But it’s something I could keep an eye on.

I think couples therapy may be the last option. It’s certainly cropped up numerous times on here & I came for advice so I shall take it. If that fails then… well decisions will need to be made but no one can say that I didn’t try.

I’m sorry OP, this is something that is not unusual. Sometimes the physical spark just vanishes, or dries up over time - especially after children. It is very unfortunate though, as I agree that I would not want to live in a sexless non-intimate marriage, not many people would. I would suggest cards-on-the-table conversations between the two of you; counselling; maybe sex therapy; but if she really doesn’t want to be intimate anymore, and this isn’t temporary, you will have a very difficult decision to make. Stay as a platonic couple to raise the children, or separate and co-parent but seek loving intimacy in another relationship. I wish you the best.

Honestly OP? just 2 years into having sex with my now ex i was doing it out of guilt and obligation because i got nothing out of it. We only saw each other 1 night a week due to semi long distance, so it was basically expected that we would have sex.
He wouldn't set the mood, wouldn't do foreplay, i'd just suddenly get informed he had a boner and was ready for sex. I was expected to just get to it, either start him with a bj or jump straight in, at zero arousal. Lube had to be used, and at best it was uncomfortable, often painful as my body wasn't prepared. He also wouldn't do anything but use his penis, no external stimulation etc, and once he finished it was all over.
Nothing about it was pleasurable for me, i felt used, got all the hassle and mess of sex with none of the benefits.
I wish i'd honestly just started saying no, til he was willing to make the effort to make it enjoyable to both of us, no more sex.

Are you sure your wife actually enjoys sex?

So, because your ex was crap in bed, you assume OP must be too? That’s quite a leap.

Not a fair comparison to OP’s situation at all.

They’ve got very young kids and he clearly loves her to bits. I think there’s a way through, though not knowing either of them I can’t say how.

Hey, sorry to hear this. I think you need to have a kid free evening (if someone can watch them), tell her that you love her but that you feel like you’ve lost your intimacy as a couple but be clear that the reason you’ve raised it is so you can understand from her perspective the reason why that’s happened. Then you can go from there. Good luck

"If that fails then… well decisions will need to be made but no one can say that I didn’t try."

Well, you can always tell her that if she doesn't put out, you're going to dump her. She's a SAHM, dependent on you financially. Mate, perfect leg spreading conditions!

OR you can realize she does NOT owe you sex. No matter that you're married, you've fucked thousands of times before, she doesn’t earn money and you do, or you really really really want it. She does NOT owe you access to her body, never ever.

Don't be a sex pest. Don't threaten or harry her, that makes you a POS coercive rapist. Don't do nice things for her because it might open her legs - you might as well spray napalm on what's left of her libido.

The lower libido person in any sexual relationship set the pace. You can talk about it in a non threatening way once but if it doesn't change, you have to accept it. Further attempts are you trying to force sexual access to another human's body, which is horrendous.

Acceptance means live with it. Or leave.

You haven't said how old the kids are .. Assuming you are sharing workloads fairly, ignoring any other mental or medical issues, I think it's not right that you're in this position..Yes to conversations, counselling, anything that might help her face up to it. When the sex dries up, it's hard to keep the relationship healthy. At your ages, it's not normal for the sex life to be non-existent. She needs to face up to it and you need to get her to see how it's making you feel. Best wishes

And ignore the posters who have an issue with a man asking the question. Their problem.

Man hater, eh? 😂

So far @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice is one of the few here who hasn't been spouting criminal rapey attitudes, AND she's given pretty good advice that will actually help OP, if he chooses to.listen.

You should check your internal misogyny, if you're a woman. If you're a man, why don't you troll reddit, it'll be more your crowd.

You know, you could have just scrolled on rather than unleash your bitterness on someone who is clearly struggling.

Sorry, I haven’t read all the response so apologies if this has been suggested.
Sexless relationships are horrible and I’m sorry that you are in this situation.

Do you and your DW share the house work, childcare and family administration equally after you come home from work in the evening? And do you share both of your earnings, pensions etc in an equitable way? She needs to be able to be ‘off work’ as well.

If not, you could work on that while also continuing to try and speak openly to your DW. You could for instance show her this thread. Good luck.

No she sounds vile and like she hates the op.

She doesn't owe him sex.

When they married, it did not mean he can fuck her when he wants. He doesn't own her vagina. SHE does, and she chooses who gets in or whether she wants to let anyone in.

Anything implying such rights over another human's body has the mentality of s dehumanising rapist.

Lots and LOTS of people here not understanding consent.

Literally no one has suggested OP’s wife owes him sex, or ever has to have sex with him again. Take your bile elsewhere.

Nah.

And people trotting out the man hater rubbish just expose their misogyny.

Op is a man on MN, one of the few sites for women. There are thousands of sites he can go to look for himpathy, the world is built to pander to men and their self absorption.

But he decided to come here, and he got pretty good advice from @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice .

By contrast, much of the other advice is telling him he has the right to coerce and force-fuck his wife. Which would not only make him a goddamned criminal who should go to jail, it would completely destroy any amicability between him and his wife.