I really don't know what to do re separation and move - what should I do?

[ecologist111444]

Hi all,
I could really do with some advice. I am 48, m, and currently going through a separation having been together since 2003, married since 2012. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter together. There is been no intimacy or sex in the marriage for over 4 years.

I was born in London but went to school in Bristol (11-18). My sister lives in Bristol with her husband and kids and I have two very good friends who live on the fringes of Bristol. My parents live about 40 minutes away. I also have cousins/uncles in Bristol but we're not that close.

My daughter was born in London and goes to school here. We have a good social network and friends but I have no close friends. My wife is German and her mum lives in Germany, we also have friends in Germany.

I have not felt 'settled' in London for some time. There are times I love being here but others I don't. It still feels like a transient place to me and I still find it overwhelming at times. I have always said Bristol is the only city I would consider moving to if I were to move from London. At my age I'm also worried about a career move if I leave it much longer. If I were to move I clearly wouldn't see my daughter as often, possibly only every fortnight or so which would be horrendous.

I guess I'm looking to hear from people who have been through this and to understand what this might actually look like if I did make the move.

Surely as your daughter has only a few years of childhood left you would remain in London for those and move once she becomes an adult.

Buy in Bristol. It’s not too long a train journey. She can get the FlixBus or you can to save money. Then when she’s at uni age she can choose between two cities with really good uni’s. I bet she’d love a house in a different city to crash in and have nights out.

If you move, you'd be opting out of parenting your child, only visiting her how many days a month?

@Naurrr I honestly haven't got that far in my thinking, but probably once a fortnight and hopefully she would come to see me as well.

If you move to Bristol, you are not putting your daughter first. It’s as simple as that.

@Buscake plenty of couples split and the one partner moves. I have friend who moved from Oxford to London and the kids stayed with the mum in Oxford and he saw the kids on weekends. The kids have turned out remarkably normal.

I think I would stay in London until your DD is at least 16. It really does make a difference being physically close and available and it being easy for her to travel between the two houses. You have one DC and she has one childhood, I would honestly want to be as physically present in my DC's life as possible. Don't forget you're only going to be with her part-time from now on, so I would prioritise that for the next few years until she is grown. Once she's at college or uni or wherever though, IMO you're free to move wherever you want. If she goes to uni, the chances are that she will move away from London too and even if she stays, Bristol is an easy journey by train or bus.

13 is a difficult age. Don’t make it even harder for her. You have to make it easy for her to spend time with both parents, so don’t move away until she has finished sixth form.

If you move she may soon opt out of visiting you as she will start to want to do things with friends at weekends, or have sports commitments, so will not want to be away. So you may not see her from one month to the next.

She will not be able to travel by herself at that age, so you will have to drive to collect her and bring her back to your house on a Friday evening, and then do the return journey on a Sunday evening. I doubt your ex would do any of those long journeys (as it is you choosing to move away). It would be awful for you - and for her.

If you move away this could damage your relationship with her for a very long time, as she may see it as she is a very low priority for you.

I have not been through this myself, but have friends and relatives who have.

So you moving from London to Bristol and seeing your daughter twice a month and ‘hoping’ she’ll come and see you is prioritising her?

If you've never had a teenager before and you can't remember being one, 13 is on the cusp of not wanting to spend the weekend on a National Express to Bristol while your mates all hang out in London.

You'll travel to London every other weekend to see her and she will be wanting to be with her mates, not sitting in a Pizza Express with you.

Suck it up for another five years in London, if you move away from her your relationship will deteriorate, you will not have chosen her, and you'll make the separation much more stressful for her than it needs to be.

If Bristol to London is such an easy breeze then you do it, in order to see your family and friends and get out of London more regularly.

Don't fuck it up.

If you have a choice why would you chose to live away from your daughter? Why would you choose to only see her once a fortnight, and realistically probably less? Why would you opt out of being a part of her day to day life?

You would choose to see your child two days a month, did I read that right? And you'd expect her to give up her free time to travel to visit you?

I'm speechless.

Your friend who discarded his kids to be a weekend parent and leave the day to day raising of his kids to their mother-that's appalling.

@Naurrr this happens a lot, although I know the ideal is 50:50 but is just isn't always practicable. The children I know in this set-up have been really successful and are emotionally normal. I think a lot of it depends upon the relationship between the parents. I would hopefully see her more than twice a month.

You have to put your daughter first. Which means being a available for:

Parents evenings
School events
Looking after her when she's ill and her Mum is not a available
Lifts back from friends' events in the evening

Her social life / life outside the home is about to become incredibly important to her. She will NOT want to be in Bristol at the weekend if a party, activity or a club is happening at home in London on the weekend. You would have to travel to her. Normal parenting of teenagers does not involve jist hanging out at home like it does with smaller children (who do actually still want playdates etc.anyway) Parenting of teenagers involves snatched conversations as they pass through from bedroom to the front door via the kitchen.- or bring their mates back to raid your fridge.

Yeah, quite often men get to choose to be deadbeats, just because it's normal doesn't mean it's acceptable at all.
What will you do if the mother opts out, too?

What's more important to you:

a) hopefully feeling "settled" in a city you haven't actually lived in since you were a teenager,

b) your relationship with your daughter?

Sorry OP.
It’s clear you want people to say moving away from your young daughter to Bristol is fine.
Most people aren’t going to say that because it isn’t fine.
You can prioritise your daughter or prioritise yourself. Your choice.

How involved are you in your dd's life? because if it seems no big deal to sudenly only be around 2 days a fortnight, then you're already not really a very present dad are you?

To be a real parent, it's not about spending time together on the weekends, it's about day to day engagment. Knowing who ttheir friends and teachers are. Being there to pick them up spontaneously from a friend's house, and chatting int he car on the way home, or getting takeout on a Wednesday or kmowing they're nervous for that football match.

If you're doing those things currently, moving to Bristol is a terrible idea.

If you're not... well, you're already a par time parent and therefore it probably will be fine if your dd just sees you as more of a kind, fun uncle, than a part of their day to day life.

As a pp upthread said, why can’t you start to spend more time with friends and family in Bristol during the weekends that you don’t have your daughter, while remaining in London until she leaves sixth form? That way you can fully get a feeling for whether a permanent move to Bristol would suit. Or you could see whether you could develop more of a social life in London, on your child-free weekends.. join a club, or similar? That might help you feel a bit more ‘grounded’. You will probably find that you are yearning for the feeling you had during your teenage years - maybe you were much more active socially then, and had a better network, rather than necessarily the place itself?

Hi @MageKing I'm doing all of this and then some including coaching her hockey team for the past 5 years and cricket team. I am a real parent. I have two divorced dad friends who aren't at all like that and as you say, are more of a fun uncle type. It would therefore be a huge, massive change to not have that.

But, I have been soooo unhappy for the last 5/6 years or so. My wife and I both accept that things are finished and I think that we will have a good relationship together going forward as co-parents. I have also met someone else who is based in Cornwal (near Devon) who makes me happy who has two kids and has just divorced as well.

Bristol is not set in stone, there aren't many people in real life I can talk to about this at the moment and so I was really just wanting to guage reactions.

Hi @FeelingOldOldOld thanks. I have found as I have got older that London is just too big for me. I want to live somewhere that is smaller, but still a city. All of my social group here in London are very, very career focussed and most work in very high paying roles in the city, whereas I don't.

You’ve made two identical posts why?

I answered on the other. You’re selfish

I don’t understand why you would move away from your daughter. Is she not more important than any connections you have in Bristol, not as worthy of your time. She’s a child with no choice over whether you separate or where she lives, or where you live. As her parent your first duty is to her, whether you’re with her mum or not. Stay close until she’s old enough to make a similar choice.

I have also met someone else who is based in Cornwal (near Devon) who makes me happy who has two kids and has just divorced as well.

Gotcha. So it's less to do with Bristol being the place you've always dreamed of living, and more to do with the new fling.

Of course there’s someone else - throwing over your kids because you’ve got a better offer is never a good look.