I really don't know what to do re separation and move - what should I do?

[ecologist111444]

Hi all,
I could really do with some advice. I am 48, m, and currently going through a separation having been together since 2003, married since 2012. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter together. There is been no intimacy or sex in the marriage for over 4 years.

I was born in London but went to school in Bristol (11-18). My sister lives in Bristol with her husband and kids and I have two very good friends who live on the fringes of Bristol. My parents live about 40 minutes away. I also have cousins/uncles in Bristol but we're not that close.

My daughter was born in London and goes to school here. We have a good social network and friends but I have no close friends. My wife is German and her mum lives in Germany, we also have friends in Germany.

I have not felt 'settled' in London for some time. There are times I love being here but others I don't. It still feels like a transient place to me and I still find it overwhelming at times. I have always said Bristol is the only city I would consider moving to if I were to move from London. At my age I'm also worried about a career move if I leave it much longer. If I were to move I clearly wouldn't see my daughter as often, possibly only every fortnight or so which would be horrendous.

I guess I'm looking to hear from people who have been through this and to understand what this might actually look like if I did make the move.

@mummabubs thanks. You're totally right, it is the primary parent - the mum - that has held everything together. And of course, I only hear one side of it.

As you rightly say, the choice to move away would probably bring about choices in terms of how active a part I would have in my daughter's life.

@MsPrufrockk because living in London has never felt permanent. My wife is from Germany and I grew up in Bristol and so it was always the midway point. She is a lawyer and has always loved London and wouldn't live anywhere else in the UK. I think it's easier if you're both from the same country at least.......

I would also consider that any woman worth moving away from your child for, wouldn't accept that happening in the first place.

I wouldn’t have thought living back to London is ideal then. Bristol is near to your daughter, and a bit nearer to Devon, to see your new GF.

How is Bristol near his daughter?

Give the man a fucking medal.
Jesus wept.

If you move away and leave your wife to do the vast majority of parenting, you're a crap parent. It really is as simple as that.

Not me, but my BIL has made a similar move from London. He sees very little of his 3 children now. I would suggest staying until your DD finishes full-time education and then re-evaluating.

@MujeresLibres thanks for your message. So he just sees them on weekends presumably? That must be very difficult for everybody?

I just can't comprehend you even thinking about moving so far from your child. Just because 'other (shit) dads do it', why would you want to see her so little? My son's dad was a shit partner and is still a knob, but he has an amazing relationship with our son and would never dream of moving away - and I'm sure if I tried to move with our son (which I wouldn't), he'd fight me in court! He's there for all our son's school performances, sports matches, important meetings, the thought of being an absent dad just because other men are would never cross his mind.

When we separated my ex moved three hours away. Coincidentally he was exploring a new relationship with an old friend in that area. But wouldn’t admit that. It was all about being in the country and how much the DC would love visiting and his retirement forever place and cheaper housing etc etc.
They hate visiting him.

So really you want to be nearer to the New Romantic interest! I’m sorry but you have a 13 year old daughter. I would rather die than live miles away from my child/children. The concept of moving away from my children is so bizarre that I would not even have it as an option. I would be far more unhappy only seeing g my children twice per month than living away from my home city. I would like to add that I am living in UK and not from here. I know you don’t want to hear this, and I know you think you are father of the year, and I know you think you are not a typical selfish man - but you are all those things. Also how would you know if the children of other divorced couples are ok and normal? Most adults would find it difficult to spot issues in a romantic relationship caused by difficult childhoods, let alone seeing a friends offspring and making the assumption that the parents divorce had no impact - very bizarre

I would live in the shittest house in the shittest ever town if I meant I could stay with my child. I can’t fathom a parent who would make a different decision.

I’ve been both the parent and child in this situation.

As a teenager, the travelling between cities meant that I couldn’t commit to weekend hobbies, and struggled to get a part time job.

As a parent I decided to do the opposite, stayed till my child was a young adult and have now moved.

I understand why my parents made the choices they did, and have let go of any resentment now, but it took a while.

What’s the relevance of mentioning the new person you’re dating?
How long has it been and what’s the future plan?
Have there been conversations about moving in together?

I’m just thinking if there is any chance of you moving in together in the near future then there would be no point in moving to Bristol.

Bristol is not that far away but I would struggle not seeing my 13yo for 2 weeks at a time.

Could you find a room share in London for a year and then see how you feel?

The older your DD is when you move, the easier it would be.

I read it as you would rather move closer to your new relationship and vaguely hope your DD travels to you rather than stay in london and travel yourself to your new relationship.

She’s your daughter too, if you do this then you probably won’t see much of her at all in the future.

If you move to Bristol now, you just won;t have the same relationship with your DD. You won't be on hand for the immediate things, for things that go wrong, to help her with her homework, to do things on a whim.
By all means move if you just want an EOW relationship, but know that will change your relationship forever. Just hang on for a few years.

However much I might feel I was a bit "over' London, the prospect of only seeing my 13 year old DD once or twice a month would make me infinitely more miserable. I can't fathom the decision to purposefully separate yourself from a school age child, and expect it not to affect them, or permanently alter your relationship with them, and how they feel about you.

There are plenty of other places I might like to explore living, lots of other potential life paths I might have taken and now will not, but that is the deal when you have children. If I wanted that I wouldn't have had children. What you want has to take a back seat and you can't move hours away from them yet, without it having a massively detrimental effect on them. Especially for a potential love interest.

Clearly the OP does not feel this way about his child 🤣 He isn’t bothered by the prospect of seeing her (hopefully!) 24 days a year.

He is also happy to model for his daughter that parenting is women’s work, that a man’s freedom to do whatever he likes is more important than his relationship with his child, and that, being female herself, she should expect nothing better than to be left holding the baby should she have a child of her own one day.

A tale as old as time.

Absolutely kidding yourself. You are allowed to move but be prepared to never have a close relationship with your daughter again and to always have a guilt following you around which will get worse as you age. You're welcome.

What does your separated wife think about this plan? Have you even discussed it with her yet?
Her life will be severely impacted by being a full time parent to your daughter while you get to explore a new relationship from your new home in Bristol
Have you considered that you will get all the freedom you like to move on and meet a new partner while your wife won't have that?
She won't have it because you won't have your daughter to stay very often at all and probably not regularly when your daughter's social life kicks in and she can't come.

It's not a fair split of responsibility at all let alone being super sh*t for your child.

If you want to ruin the relationship you have with your child then go ahead with this plan. Because that's 100% what you will do by moving and then throwing "dad's new friend" into the mix will be the final nail in the coffin.

I know it feels unfair but when you have children it's for life and you often have to make difficult decisions that can be tough on you when you make the right choice and put them first. But that's just how parenting works.
If it's done well of course.

It’s always the bloke isn’t it, who gets to live his single free life most of the time and pop in to visit the kid occasionally. Meanwhile the woman is stuck with the daily stress of actual parenting.

Exactly this!

Why should the OP's wife be the one to see their child through the upset of him moving & the separation, through the changes of puberty, through the stressful exam years??

In a lot of ways the hardest years are yet to come but, don't worry, mum will sort it all out while dad pursues his new relationship. 🙄🙄

It's a tale as old as time and just as clichéd.

Dad here, is absolutely no way on earth would I be moving away, the Dads who do by choice are just shit Disney dads who don't really give a toss about their kids.

I signed up to be a parent, it's not easy when you are splitting the parenting duties apart, but it's far easier to do when you live near each other & I think far far better for the kids.

If you want to make this divorce as easy on your daughter as possible, you and your ex will live in close proximity. Your daughter should not be wasting her time traveling between her two homes.

If you really want to move, the only legitimate way to do so is to convince your stbx and daughter to move too.