I really don't know what to do re separation and move - what should I do?

[ecologist111444]

Hi all,
I could really do with some advice. I am 48, m, and currently going through a separation having been together since 2003, married since 2012. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter together. There is been no intimacy or sex in the marriage for over 4 years.

I was born in London but went to school in Bristol (11-18). My sister lives in Bristol with her husband and kids and I have two very good friends who live on the fringes of Bristol. My parents live about 40 minutes away. I also have cousins/uncles in Bristol but we're not that close.

My daughter was born in London and goes to school here. We have a good social network and friends but I have no close friends. My wife is German and her mum lives in Germany, we also have friends in Germany.

I have not felt 'settled' in London for some time. There are times I love being here but others I don't. It still feels like a transient place to me and I still find it overwhelming at times. I have always said Bristol is the only city I would consider moving to if I were to move from London. At my age I'm also worried about a career move if I leave it much longer. If I were to move I clearly wouldn't see my daughter as often, possibly only every fortnight or so which would be horrendous.

I guess I'm looking to hear from people who have been through this and to understand what this might actually look like if I did make the move.

You really expect a teen to spend every second weekend travelling instead of being with her friends? She'll probably do it twice before refusing. Are you prepared to go to London instead, and pay for a hotel room, for the next five years?

What happens if your wife wants to move and only see sproglet twice a month?

EDIT
I have also met someone else who is based in Cornwal (near Devon) who makes me happy who has two kids and has just divorced as well.

Ohhhh... so it's not about your original family at all! You are ditching your natural child for another man's family. FFS

Hi @ecologist111444
i agree with the majority of this thread.

Be present in London for your daughter. 13 onwards gets trickier and parent child relationship can really change. It's more background/ snatched/ focused around their friends and your time is often giving lifts, or being there when you least expect it but when they want to talk. And if you're not, that's when it plummets. Be present for your 50% of the time in her city.

Use your free time to travel to Bristol, test it out and move when she's older.

It's not long and you can still see your new partner on your free time.

My kids have turned out well as they have an awesome mum who is always there for them and who has massively overcompensated.

That doesn’t change that their relationship with their dad has dwindled to an uncle/mate relationship. That he only sees them on their best behaviour as they don’t want to risk losing him completely so aren’t their normal relaxed selves.

It has damaged their self esteem their dad chose other things over them. They do describe feeling they mustn’t have been good enough for him to stay. They do see him as a massive disappointment as a father. They don’t ever ask him for help or share much of their personal lives with him. It’s very superficial even though they still love him and want him in their lives they feel very conflicted about him. They don’t have the same close easy relationship with him they have with me. They aren’t a family unit. They are people who spend time together.

If you don’t want a long distance relationship with your new partner why would your dc want a long distance relationship with you. These things aren’t easy and teens especially don’t want their parents lives imposing on theirs.

They will probably be most upset about you being in a step parent role to someone else’s children and feel you are replacing them and they should probably have counselling if you go ahead with it.

Sorry it will upset some people, but that is some men for you. They can just move on when things come to an end. Makes me sick.

@WinterBlues26 I know that this makes me sound so selfish, I totally understand that. I have seen that there is another thread on here, the sexless marriage one, where parents are really struggling between their happiness and the upset that a separation/divorce will cause. I don't think that any of this is simple, and it is hard to take a step back from things sometimes when you are right in the middle of them.

Prioritise your daughter, exactly like your wife will.
Or take your daughter with you…why is it down to your wife to do the next 5 years of parenting (which in my opinion are the hardest years)?

It does happen a lot yes. It happens a lot that fathers move, to suit their own wishes and wants, away from their children upon divorce.

The reason that the children you know in this set up have been successful and emotionally "normal" (how you can gague their feelings about their absent father's I'm not sure) is because they have had another stable parent who has made up the shortfall the absent father has created, and consistently put the children first.

I have also met someone else who is based in Cornwal (near Devon) who makes me happy who has two kids and has just divorced as well.

I double down on my don't fuck it up comment, because if she knows you're selfishly moving away from her to live closer to someone else's children, and leaving her behind you certainly will.

Don’t risk your relationship with your DD over a new girlfriend who may not even last the distance.

You might have an amicable relationship with your ex-wife now, but I really doubt that’s going to remain so when you propose leaving her with the majority of the care for your DD all month with just a couple of fun visits for you.

@nc42day you're totally right, they have had a stable parent who has put the children first. Thanks for your other comments as well, they have really hit home to be honest.

Your posts are me, me me. What type of area you fancy moving to, the new girlfriend, sex, friends.

The only important thing is your child. Your wants are not relevant to her.

So... you want to massively disrupt her life AND do it for the sake of another woman and her children?

Yes, this is astonishingly selfish.

FGS don't move away from your only DC when she's 13 so you can be near your new girlfriend and her kids! My dad did that and was a great stepfather to his stepkids - they loved him to bits! But he was a shit father to his two actual DC. He and I are close now, but we were virtually estranged for about 25 years, because he left us. He chose her and her kids over his own kids. And it took him a bloody long time to realise what he'd done and apologise and then step up and be present again in our lives. Don't make that mistake. Some people don't live long enough to make amends.

Sounds like you already made your mind up 🤷‍♀️

I'm sure you'd love not to come across as being selfish but you are so you do.

Ending a marriage is always going to be hard on the children. Ending the marriage and moving to the other side of the country so your new girlfriend is within a convenient distance is going to make it so much harder.

But your question isn't about separation/divorce, it's about abandoning your child for someone else's children. And that is NOT okay.

You're asking your wife to do all the heavy lifting, and remain stable and present for your daughter, through her teenager years, while you head off into the sunset to play daddy to strangers' children.

There's a lot of clear space between 50;50 being ideal but not always practical and fucking off and seeing her once a month if you're lucky. Aim for as close as possible then.

Stop thinking with your pants, and engage your brain and your empathy. She's your child, you've got a limited time and one shot to get this right. Don't leave the responsibility of trying to make up for your shortcomings at the doorstep of her mother.

@WinterBlues26 thanks. She isn't my girlfriend as such and I would never, ever abandon my daughter for someone else's children.

You sound like you have been a present Dad and part of your DR'S everyday life. So what you are suggesting is that at a time she will feel immensely vulnerable because you are splitting up and moving out of the family home, possibly she will have to as well? You rip those pillars of stability away too. You won't coach her team. You won't see her in the week. You dump everything on your wife and say that your daughters needs are entirely for her to sort out because you fancy someone else.

Nice parenting.

Be honest and say you want to move closer to your relationship/potential relationship.

You should stay living near your child to support her though her parents divorcing and her teen years. You absolutely shouldn’t opt out of being a proper parent and move away for any reason really. Once she’s an adult you could move and luckily that’s not too far away. She needs you close by even if you don’t have her 50/50, it’s totally understandable to end your marriage if you are unhappy, but once you have completely altered your kids entire lives to make you and your wife happier, you should put your focus into making sure your kid ends up happy too. This doesn’t happen if you think every other weekend with a commute is acceptable.

Playing daddy twice a month for two half days and a night IS abandoning her.

I would not make a choice to prioritise myself over my only DC when they are aged 13.

I appreciate that in some circumstances people have no choice and need to move for family support / childcare or have been unable to secure a job in their current location .
You are prioritising your own wishes and needs over your daughter’s if you do so . Yes some DC may be able to cope with this change , but the teenage years are the most tricky in some ways - when exams / your DC is going through puberty / asserting their independence / navigating young adulthood / more pressures at school / with friendship groups .

This is a very challenging time over the next five years so I would avoid any other disruptions / changes for my child that are avoidable .

As others have said , a lot of teenagers won’t want to spend as much time with their parents . Even if that is not the case currently , this may change . They are very much in their own bubble and the vast majority will not take into account wanting to make a parent happy .

The most important thing you can do for a teenager is to show them that you are present and are available when they need you . This won’t always conveniently slot into every second weekend and as already detailed some of the most meaningful chats are when you are giving them lifts .

Your daughter may not want to spend weekends away from her home city as she will miss out on social occasions occurring at the weekend . It is very difficult to make a teenager do something they don’t want to and the courts will be unlikely to enforce a strict second weekend pattern if your DC isn’t willing to do this .

I think you have to appreciate that your DC is going through a period of immense change and growth physically / emotionally / socially and what may work when she is 13 may not work when she is 14/15 etc .
I be am not sure if your job is office based and there is the possibility of you looking for jobs in Bristol while still living in London and being able to work from home some of the time in London and commuting to Bristol on other days ?

It seems however that you are uncertain about where you want to live and also have a newish relationship , so maybe now isn’t the time to make a move .

You could also look to making a short term move within London to find somewhere that may make you feel more settled but not too far away from your daughter .

You should move. If this was a gender reverse people would say the same. Women move kids away from dads all the time, to be near family, to live somewhere cheaper, sometimes even to another country - and people don’t care. Your ex may take her to Germany at some point. Go and be happy.

What would you say if your ex wife announced she was going to move back to Germany to be near her family and wanted DD to remain living with you whilst planning to to fly back once or twice a month to see her? Would you think it was the right thing for DD? You probably haven’t even thought about it, because you know fine well that she’d never even think about doing that - so ask yourself why that is, and whether anything changes because you’re proposing the same.

Why on earth can’t she travel by herself at 13?!