I really don't know what to do re separation and move - what should I do?

[ecologist111444]

Hi all,
I could really do with some advice. I am 48, m, and currently going through a separation having been together since 2003, married since 2012. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter together. There is been no intimacy or sex in the marriage for over 4 years.

I was born in London but went to school in Bristol (11-18). My sister lives in Bristol with her husband and kids and I have two very good friends who live on the fringes of Bristol. My parents live about 40 minutes away. I also have cousins/uncles in Bristol but we're not that close.

My daughter was born in London and goes to school here. We have a good social network and friends but I have no close friends. My wife is German and her mum lives in Germany, we also have friends in Germany.

I have not felt 'settled' in London for some time. There are times I love being here but others I don't. It still feels like a transient place to me and I still find it overwhelming at times. I have always said Bristol is the only city I would consider moving to if I were to move from London. At my age I'm also worried about a career move if I leave it much longer. If I were to move I clearly wouldn't see my daughter as often, possibly only every fortnight or so which would be horrendous.

I guess I'm looking to hear from people who have been through this and to understand what this might actually look like if I did make the move.

London to Bristol is a long way for a 13 year old to travel alone, obviously!

I've only ever noticed on those threads that the replies say the child shouldn't be removed from their father and their entire lives, the father should get a preventative steps order, as any bare minimum decent parent would do.

Go and be happy means abandoning his child.

I have a 13yo dd and would not be willing for her to travel from London to Bristol by herself, probably on a Friday evening and Sunday evening. I don’t know many parents that would be happy with that, to be honest.

Once the decision is made to separate you have a responsibility to make the separation as easy as possible on any children. That means prioritising their needs over your own, which is what her mum will be doing. Moving away to be closer to someone that you’re not even in a relationship with is the very opposite of that.

I’m stunned at the selfishness of this.
Moving so far away and expecting your DD to travel to see you at her inconvenience, I can’t see a teenager wanting to do this, they want to spend time with their friends.

If you do put your own wants and desires above parenting your DD don’t expect her to be jumping through hoops to spend time with you.

Her life is in London. The likelihood that she will want to spend her weekends in Bristol where she doesn't have her friends during her teen years are quite slim. If you throw in a new partner with 2 kids the chances are just about nil. She also sounds like she is playing sports on multiple teams, she won't have much free time during the weekends even if you do come and see her every now and then.

If you move away, it will affect your relationship with your DD negatively. That's for certain. Stay for another 4-5 years and leave dating for when you are actually properly separated and have set up your own home.

I understand why you like the idea of moving to Bristol but the reality is that it will adversely affect your daughter. It will probably hit you much harder than you realise to go from being an involved parent to an absent one. She will soon start going out with friends and to parties and will be really upset if she has to miss one to go to Bristol - I still remember being upset at missing the school disco 45 years ago! I think it would be best to wait until she's going to uni & coild be anywhere in the country. In the meantime, could you look for a job with a company with offices in/near Bristol so that you could transfer when the time comes?

@Snoken thanks. You're totally right. I really needed to hear an outsiders perspective on this. I can remember my Dad receiving a promotion at work when I was about 13 and living in Bristol whereby he went up to London on a Sunday evening coming back on a Thursday/Friday. I hated it and I have always struggled on Sunday evenings ever since.

@Snoken thanks. You're totally right. I really needed to hear an outsiders perspective on this. I can remember my Dad receiving a promotion at work when I was about 13 and living in Bristol whereby he went up to London on a Sunday evening coming back on a Thursday/Friday. I hated it and I have always struggled on Sunday evenings ever since.

@Myfridgeiscool you're right this is all selfish. Now is not the time to put my needs first.

OP would probably be happy with that because then it would make no difference if he lives in London or Bristol. It would be the perfect excuse really.

@zurigo thanks. I'm really sorry to hear that but glad that you are closer now with your Dad. I have no intention on being a shit father to my daughter.

@malefields @ComtesseDeSpair my wife has actually asked me if I would give her permission to do that, and I said no I couldn't. I mean, Bristol is closer than Germany of course but I think that the principle remains the same i.e. moving away and not being on hand.

Just move to Bristol and let your daughter get on with her life.

Be honest that you can’t be fucked with the mundane responsibilities of parenting anymore, and are chiefly concerned with pleasing yourself from here on out. Let your daughter know if she needs anything from day to day she can go to her mum.

And then leave her alone. Don’t guilt trip her into making your new girlfriend feel part of the family, don’t wheel her out periodically at family events or to work experience at your office to show people what a great dad you are, don’t moan to her as you get older about how she never calls or visits and how disappointed you are that she’s let her mother turn her against you.

Do what you want but don’t kid yourself about what you're doing. Don’t make your daughter carry your guilt for you. Don’t be the textbook whiny defensive divorced dad who wants to have his cake and be a victim too.

Why only once a fortnight? Me and my ex have 50/50 shared cared and neither of us would even consider moving away.

"Hopefully"? Yikes. I hope your daughter hasn't yet picked up that you don't really give a shit about her.

Yep. There you have it. Putting his sex life before his child.

Bingo.

Why is there suddenly an influx of deadbeat dads posting on MN?

So you won’t let your wife move to where she would have support as a single parent, but you think it’s perfectly reasonable to leave her with 90% of the parenting task while you move too far away to be of any practical use?

But that doesn’t make it right.
I can’t understand why anyone on this planet would choose to move and risk being around much less for their own children.
I am bound in a small town because I split up with exh when DD was one. She is now 8. Until the day she wants leave the nest, I will never take her away from her dad even though he is an actual arsehole.
Wait till your child is no longer a child and then move.
I could bet money on what those children who you said turned out fine would say if they were actually asked about how they felt having a parent who didn’t bother seeing them until every other weekend

@Jellycatspyjamas thanks. You're totally right it's not reasonable at all.

Although this is rather direct its 100% correct.

You are doing it from your own view point to justify the move to Bristol. No teen will be on the bus to see their Dad. She will want to be out with her friends, want a lift to xxx and staying in London will enable her to do this on her own.

She will gain confidence and all sorts by staying in London.

I dont live there now but was brought up there and it was fab.

This nails it.

You're absolutely right OP that lots of couples split and then one party moves away. It sounds like what you're hoping for is for people to respond that you could move away and feel settled (thus meeting your needs), but not negatively impact on your relationship with your daughter. When you said your friend's children have turned out "remarkably normal" that doesn't acknowledge any maintained relationship with their father (and if we're being honest is presumably more a reflection of how well their primary parent has done in holding everything - which I assume is their mother).

I think we can all connect with how hard it feels for you to think you'd be happier somewhere else, but given your daughter is at a key transitional age I can't imagine many wouldn't be saying put her needs above yours for the next few years (or go ahead and move... but you have no right to be surprised or disappointed if she quickly decides that as you'd be actively choosing not to be a regular part of her life that she no longer wishes to be a part of yours).

Jut read the rest of the thread... god -the move is for you! Just you...

It's good that you came here to get feedback and even better that you've reconsidered.

But really, I shake my head that you were literally wanting to move 100 miles away from your young teenager just so you could get closer to a woman you are having sex with.