Page 5 | I really don't know what to do re separation and move - what should I do?

ecologist111444 · 2026-07-27T09:24:32+00:00

Hi all, I could really do with some advice. I am 48, m, and currently going through a separation having been together since 2003, married since 2012. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter together. There is been no intimacy or sex in the marriage for over 4 years. I was born in London but went to school in Bristol (11-18). My sister lives in Bristol with her husband and kids and I have two very good friends who live on the fringes of Bristol. My parents live about 40 minutes away. I also have cousins/uncles in Bristol but we're not that close. My daughter was born in London and goes to school here. We have a good social network and friends but I have no close friends. My wife is German and her mum lives in Germany, we also have friends in Germany. I have not felt 'settled' in London for some time. There are times I love being here but others I don't. It still feels like a transient place to me and I still find it overwhelming at times. I have always said Bristol is the only city I would consider moving to if I were to move from London. At my age I'm also worried about a career move if I leave it much longer. If I were to move I clearly wouldn't see my daughter as often, possibly only every fortnight or so which would be horrendous. I guess I'm looking to hear from people who have been through this and to understand what this might actually look like if I did make the move.

MujeresLibres · 28/07/2026 01:03

ecologist111444 · 27/07/2026 17:07

@MujeresLibres thanks for your message. So he just sees them on weekends presumably? That must be very difficult for everybody?

He sees them one weekend a month and has another younger child in his new relationship. To be fair, he has a demanding job as well, but I cannot imagine making the same choices myself. The kids have needed counselling.

Original poster

ecologist111444 · 28/07/2026 09:05

@cloudtreecarpet thanks for your message and the points that you raise. I am not going to move to Bristol. I will stay in London close to my daughter and ex-wife. I do not want to destroy the fantastic relationship I have with her.

OP posts:

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2026 09:40

ecologist111444 · 28/07/2026 09:05

@cloudtreecarpet thanks for your message and the points that you raise. I am not going to move to Bristol. I will stay in London close to my daughter and ex-wife. I do not want to destroy the fantastic relationship I have with her.

I'm glad you have seen sense.

Your daughter's childhood has to come first because it's the only one she will ever have.

Five years is not that much to an adult but it's a going to be a hugely important five years for her so if you can be available for that long, until she is 18, you won't regret it.

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2026 09:41

Ps and beyond 18 of course but by then she might be planning to go to University so would cope better if you were to move out of London.

raspberryrisotto · 28/07/2026 09:56

I hear you, but the kids come first. I only have a 30 min difference between DP and I but our kids (who are all teens) come first. We decided that we will not live together for the foreseeable future and we have managed to sync our child free weekends. It’s actually really nice, we focus on the kids and then spend our time together.

focus on your daughter. Spend your child free time in your new relationship. The next few years will fly by and then you can consider moving to Bristol.

The kids always have to come first.

MageKing · 28/07/2026 10:09

Could I make an alternative suggestion? If you were happy to travel up to London a minimum of fortnightly, why not spend more time in Bristol even as you remain based in London? As you're separated now, you won't be with your DD every day, so you could go down there every second weekend or work from there a few days a fortnight (if you can work from home), staying with family and friends when your DD is with your exW.

Allows you to create that lifestyle and that network in Bristol, ahead of moving down there in a few years while still creating and maintaining a home home for yourself and your DD in London. And over time, your DD might come down with you to spend time with her family in Bristol etc, and that will be good too so that as she gets older and more independent and you do eventually move, she already has some sort of network or understanding of the city.

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2026 11:29

MageKing · 28/07/2026 10:09

Could I make an alternative suggestion? If you were happy to travel up to London a minimum of fortnightly, why not spend more time in Bristol even as you remain based in London? As you're separated now, you won't be with your DD every day, so you could go down there every second weekend or work from there a few days a fortnight (if you can work from home), staying with family and friends when your DD is with your exW.

Allows you to create that lifestyle and that network in Bristol, ahead of moving down there in a few years while still creating and maintaining a home home for yourself and your DD in London. And over time, your DD might come down with you to spend time with her family in Bristol etc, and that will be good too so that as she gets older and more independent and you do eventually move, she already has some sort of network or understanding of the city.

Absolutely - if any travelling or incontinence is involved it should be the OP doing it, not the child.

Naurrr · 28/07/2026 11:55

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2026 11:29

Absolutely - if any travelling or incontinence is involved it should be the OP doing it, not the child.

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Incontinence (I know what you meant)

nc42day · 28/07/2026 12:05

MageKing · 28/07/2026 10:09

Could I make an alternative suggestion? If you were happy to travel up to London a minimum of fortnightly, why not spend more time in Bristol even as you remain based in London? As you're separated now, you won't be with your DD every day, so you could go down there every second weekend or work from there a few days a fortnight (if you can work from home), staying with family and friends when your DD is with your exW.

Allows you to create that lifestyle and that network in Bristol, ahead of moving down there in a few years while still creating and maintaining a home home for yourself and your DD in London. And over time, your DD might come down with you to spend time with her family in Bristol etc, and that will be good too so that as she gets older and more independent and you do eventually move, she already has some sort of network or understanding of the city.

Absolutely. If the Bristol London journey is no big deal to you, then it's you that should be doing it in order to improve your social life if that's your current goal. Rather than asking her to do this and wrecking her social life before it's even got started. This is such a key time. You do that hard work so she doesn't have to. That is your role as father to a child.

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2026 12:30

Naurrr · 28/07/2026 11:55

Incontinence (I know what you meant)

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Oops, "inconvenience" that should say! 😳

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2026 12:34

nc42day · 28/07/2026 12:05

Absolutely. If the Bristol London journey is no big deal to you, then it's you that should be doing it in order to improve your social life if that's your current goal. Rather than asking her to do this and wrecking her social life before it's even got started. This is such a key time. You do that hard work so she doesn't have to. That is your role as father to a child.

Edited

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If only more parents (usually dads) who leave the family home could understand that idea of the hard work and inconvenience being theirs, then there would be way more happy, well adjusted children out there.