Successful reconciliation stories after cheating

[Strawberrina]

Hi Mumsnetters,

My husband had an affair with a younger work colleague in 2024. We reconciled and are working through things and fixing our marriage. I have read many stories here on Mumsnet of married couples reconciling after one of them had an affair, but then eventually deciding to separate for various reasons. Please share with me successful reconciliation stories.

Sorry OP but no matter how many, if any, stories you get about successful reconciliation after cheating and betrayal you get that doesn't mean it's going to be the same in your relationship.

I agree with the other poster - it depends on the couple, both sides, How much work they are willing to do.But primarily, in the initial stages, the Cheater themselves recognising actually what they have done, the gaslighting, lying, betrayal, the huge damage to the spouse. And then understanding their whys, their reasons. Being completely truthful, absolute truth and every question you have answered fully.
Surviving Infidelity is a complete and fantastic resource, a forum based site with the unfaithful, the betrayed, those that reconcile and those that don't. With resources from books, experienced users on what steps to take. It's quite staggering to read that the majority of chesters follow a remarkably similar "playlist". Helps you realise it's not you, it's THEM. Just hearing other people's stories makes you realise you aren't alone, and support from others is huge.

Good luck and I feel your pain x

Trust is like glass, once its broken is near impossible to put back together. Look, for you it might work out and it might be different, but im prepared to bet that somewhere down the line itll break again.

Life will not be the same again and the weight of this you will carry forever. Honestly.

I did it. Over years (I mean at least 4-5 years) I struggled. Really struggled.

We did couples therapy. It opened up some shit for him and gave him food for thought. I ended up getting therapy for myself. The latter was by far more helpful to me.

We are 10 years from it. He is a different person. I don’t know if that’s age or the bipolar medication, or a mix of both. I trust him more now.

But, given my time again, maybe I would have fucked off out of it. That’s a good chunk of my life thrown at that trauma.

I wouldn’t recommend staying to be fair. I’ve taken one for the team to be able to say that.

Women can forgive and forget but they never forget what they’ve forgiven
You will literally just be kicking the can up the road and it might be that that works for you. You know if you’ve got two toddlers and he’s cheating maybe that’s not the time to go once they’re at school maybe it is.
Only you can weigh that up

@Thatsthebottomline Thank you for your comment. But, how can you be prepared to bet without knowing my situation fully?

Because your situation doesn’t matter.
What matters is that? The trust in your relationship has been broken? Otherwise, he hasn’t cheated or you haven’t cheated. It’s not cheating unless it’s a problem for one of you which we’ve established it is and therefore it’s a problem. It’s not going away ever

I’ll have a go?

I think it’s because all situations are basically the same. Children, no children, toddlers, adults, rich, poor, black, white, at the heart of it all the stories involve a man who chose not to communicate his thoughts, chose to remain in the relationship, chose to start a ‘thing’ with someone else.

Change the details, you've got different wallpaper, different hobbies, the man has shirts from a different shop, whatever. It’s the same basic story. And trying to pretend your story is different is like trying to say Eastenders is different from Coronation Street. The details, yes. The basic stories? The same.

Not the person you're replying to but I'd bet the same, and I don't think knowing the situation fully would change that.

He cheated, he broke the relationship. He dropped the vase and it smashed on the floor. Yes, you can glue the pieces back together again, but that doesn't mean it's fixed. The fault lines are still there, and one day it'll crack along those same fault lines.

I watched my parents try and repair their marriage after my Dad's (first) affair. And for a while it worked OK, but it was never the same. It was fragile, and all it took was one sharp knock to break it along those fault lines all over again.

I've seen the same thing in countless relationships since. You can get back to something resembling normality, but you won't get the original relationship back. You're left with something different. Fragile, chipped, brittle, weak.

Good luck OP, genuinely.

And actually, what usually happens is that the cheating part leaves the one that that’s forgiven them
They can’t look themselves in the mirror every day knowing what they’ve done done and being constantly reminded every time they look in the face of the person that they’ve cheated on that they’re not a good person so the easiest thing to do in the world is to remove themselves from that scenario and completely rewrite history to make themselves look better and to make them be able to live live with themselves.

Came here to say this. My husband had actually ended his affair about 6 months before I found out. Conveniently he had forgiven himself, decided to be a better husband and to take it to the grave. Once I found out about it though he couldn’t stand it. I think he hated the fact that he had lost control of the narrative and he hated that I saw him as flawed. Eventually he was unwilling or unable to do what was required to reconcile and we split about 6 months later.

I do know of successful couples. They all have the same factors that the one who betrayed. Usually the husband. Undertook individual therapy that often is maintained lifelong by being in mensgroups or therapy in some capacity. They have a night and day change. They live completely differently lives after they exploded their lives. They learn skills they never had before. Very similar to recovering addicts. It becomes a every day choice and commitment. They live a very transparent life becoming open books to their partner.

The partner who didn't sign up for any of this unfortunately also has to do work and therapy. But the momentum and accountability is 100% led by the betrayer.

Unfortunately the couples I see where the betrayer is just doing lip service and expects the partner to just forget about it all after a certain point in time. Are not successful in staying together or if they do they aren't happy.

I think partners should look very honestly at observing the betrayer what work are they really doing. You will feel the difference in safety when someone is really doing the work.

@boohoo26 This was my situation and after 5 years he decided that he couldn't do it anymore. What a waste of 5 years! Given my time again I would have got our 5 years ago when I still had my self respect ..

You posted at length about this before and didn’t take any of the advice! Your husband has done nothing to prove he wants to reconcile or fix your marriage, he’s still working with the affair partner FFS!

You are just setting yourself up to be cheated on again, if he isn’t already back at it!

I have a colleague whose husband cheated on her. She was devastated, utterly in bits. They are still together because she didn't want to split up, so they just pretend it never happened. She's a very unhappy soul.

While I understand that in some cases reconciliation is possible, here’s my experience- cheated on me for several months with a younger work colleague, I chose to forgive and move on until a couple of years later when he decided to cheat on me with another work colleague and left to be with her. To be honest I think it’s probably very rare that there’s not either repeated cheating or massive resentment, probably both.

It can work. But only when the betraying partner puts everything they have into it. Every single day.

If he isn’t then there’s every chance the affair is still ongoing in some form or another.

You can only control your own actions but you may have more power here than you think. However scary this sounds, you should stop making any effort at all on the marriage and focus on yourself, your kids and friendships and your work. Get legal advice. Turn your back on him and make it clear that your priorities are now focussed elsewhere.

Nothing sharpens their mind more rapidly than believing they really do stand to lose everything.

Cheaters are very skilled at keeping two options in play.

Make yourself busy. Unavailable. Make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand. It’s not a game. This is no time for games. But if you take a break from reconciliation to focus on yourself, it will be good for you. If he’s genuine, he will understand. If you’re scared that by backing off you’ll encourage him into her arms, well you have your answer. Detach and survive.

Once the trust is gone it’s gone. Doesn’t matter what your story is - your husband has cheated and you’ll never forget. Set your bar higher and don’t waste your life

@SunflowerTed agreed! I wish 😀 had listened to all the sensible people on here years ago!

I hope you’re okay OP, it’s a rotten position he’s put you in and kindly, you’re better than this. Get out and move on while you’re still young enough. My parents reconciled after my dad’s first affair (that we know of), he was back at it with someone else almost straight away, this went on for 20 years before he was found out, by which stage my mum was in her seventies. She divorced him that time but she’ll never trust again and it’s ruined her retirement, it’s a cautionary tale.

I’m so sad to read there are no true stories of successful reconciliation.
Myself and DH are in recovery after his (emotional) affair with a work colleague just under a year ago.
We’ve had a separation, the fallout with our adult children, counselling and therapy, and brutal honesty from us both. We are like a broken crackle vase on the outside, but the inside is smooth and sealed.
We’ll never go back, we know that.
It still feels like early days but we love each other, we are better together than apart, and are both mutually trying to build something much stronger.
I do find also myself searching for people who have managed to put things right.

Because, statistically, it’s an improbability. I also don’t think you’d be here asking this question if reconciliation was going well.

Have you looked up the Surviving Infidelity forums?

@Strawberrina this is NOT the place for reconciliation advice. Your situation is complex as your husband still has professional contact (and chatted to her recently) with the OW and she is due to move back to your town. These are arguably red flags! Surviving infidelity is better suited to support you moving forward. There are fantastic posters on their reconciliation board. I would go there.

I read some of your posts on your other thread, your husband is a disgusting man.

His choices every day will be causing ongoing trauma to you, seek trauma therapy and focus on yourself, your future, health and joy.

Picture your own peaceful home, your adult kids visiting, days out, laughter, friendships, hobbies. Freedom and peace.

A friend of mine forgave her husband and they are still together 25 (mostly miserable for her) years later.

If it wasn’t for divorce being frowned upon in her religion I think she would have left.