Successful reconciliation stories after cheating

[Strawberrina]

Hi Mumsnetters,

My husband had an affair with a younger work colleague in 2024. We reconciled and are working through things and fixing our marriage. I have read many stories here on Mumsnet of married couples reconciling after one of them had an affair, but then eventually deciding to separate for various reasons. Please share with me successful reconciliation stories.

The trouble is @Strawberrina the fact he is still playing this people pleasing, conflict avoidant game is a huge red flag, it’s probably some of the faults that got him into the affair. He should be setting clearer boundaries, she should be NOTHING to him. But that is not the message he is sending to her. You are still not safe while he prioritises his needs to play the good guy over your emotional safety.

OMG The level of denial is unreal!!!! Yes, yes of course he is fully committed to your marriage and working in proximity to her despite swearing this wouldn’t happen will only strengthen your spousal bond!!

jesus, why post, if you refuse to listen???

@Sunshinemoonlightboogie I do agree with your post. But what's the solution? Divorce? Separation?

As the child of parents who did stay together, I would say that it destroyed my childhood and my siblings. I didn't 'know' anything about it at the time, but when I found out as an adult, it explained so much.

Our mum was consumed by it and it caused very strange and unhealthy behaviour, not the behaviour I would ever want to model for my impressionable and vulnerable daughters.

You are probably not protecting or maintaining their childhood by staying in tge way that you imagine.

I would recommend a clean break so that you can focus on your children.

Yes to both

I agree a separation, instigated by you, would allow you to clear your mind and also sharpen his priorities. There are currently no consequences for him just carrying on as he is.

I suspect you’re afraid to separate because you fear being alone, or driving him into her arms.

Perhaps there’s a bit of a triangle at the moment. You can collapse it by stepping off it. Even if the worst case scenario transpired and he did go to her, they wouldn’t last five minutes. She sounds awful.

Take your power and ask him to leave. You’re in a more powerful position than it feels to you right now.

Oh op. There’s aren’t many stories because it doesn’t happen often. You can cling on for however long, but the damage is done. He’ll likely do it again because he knows he can, he’ll just be cleverer about covering his tracks. I probably said this last time, but the best thing you can do is raise your bar, develop some self esteem and get rid. The effort you must be expending, and stress etc you must be dealing with, can’t be good for anyone’s health long-term.

FWIW @Strawberrina I chose separation in the hope we could repair, as I believed my husband needed to feel the loss of me and his family unit. That was when he started to understand the pain he’d caused and stop prioritising himself. It was a risk but it was a risk I took, knowing that I would rather be on my own, than suffer feeling unsafe with a unremorseful husband. The statement ‘you have to be prepared to lose the marriage to save a marriage’ is very apt.

@Strawberrina wanting to hold your family together is not a bad thing, despite the views on MN, and some of us can process and move on from affairs and have happy marriages and family units but it ALWAYS involves the cheat moving heaven and earth to ensure the betrayed feels safe and working hard to rebuild trust.

You don’t have this yet, you remain unsafe until he stops thinking of himself and how he views himself rather than helping you heal.

Hope that makes sense!

@Dahliadaily Thanks for your advice. She is manipulative (yet DH previously admitted to loving her) and he is weak - quite a combination.
Your comment about a triangle is spot-on, even though it's only two of us at the moment.

In what way is the OW manipulative? It sounds like you’re listening to a one sided story here.

Please understand that the OW didn’t wreck your marriage, your husband did.
She’s no loyalty or commitment to you so this shouldn’t be about her but about how you can move on from your husbands actions.

I think you are torturing yourself trying to keep this marriage going and sometimes it’s the fear of the unknown that keeps us going.

Step away from trying to fix things and take time to focus on yourself. Do you still want to be at this stage this time next year or do you want to start a new life for yourself where you don’t have to wonder where your husband is every time he’s out of the house.
Infidelity knocks your confidence to the very core but you can take back control of your life c

I bet she is. They always are. But it isn’t love. If it was love, he would have left. It’s infatuation, limerence, whatever and the only cure is zero contact of any form.

Be prepared for the possibility that they are keeping in touch. The in-person meetings are most unhelpful.

Make a move today towards legal or physical separation. Take everything he says with a massive pinch of salt. DO NOT engage with any hand-wringing “in love with two women” bullshit. If he pulls any of that, tell him you’ve have your fill and to it’s time for him to leave.
Make a lovely plan. Today. A day out or little break with a friend or child. A solo holiday. Stop waiting and start living. He’ll get his shit together eventually and in the meantime you deserve the very best life and any and all treats, purchases and experiences you’ve put on hold.

As my dear friend said, “it wasn’t until I told him to just fuck off that he really chose the marriage”.

@Dahliadaily "the only cure is zero contact of any form" - that's why I'm dreading her coming back to our town (if that even happens). DH and I have made a lot of progress in the last year and a half. This has to be some sort of a joke.
I will definitely make a plan in the next few days once work becomes a bit less hectic.

I have HUGE issues with describing a woman as ‘manipulative’ and a man as ‘weak’, you are removing responsibility and personal agency from him. He is not weak, he is self serving and entitled and I’d argue abusive to engage in an affair.

You think you’re very good at giving him consequences and that you’ve ripped him off his pedestal. Your language says you have not.

You say there are only two of you in this triangle. Again that is NOT true, his chat with her very recently at the conference and knowledge that she may be moving back makes it clear she is still very present and his constant efforts to paint himself as the good guy are putting you at risk of further pain. Painting himself as the good guy is also a horrendous, it’s a huge red flag for a cheat it’s actually a narcissistic trait as it’s about protecting HIS ego.

You need to separate and be prepared to lose this marriage to save it. If that’s really what you want.

Forgive me for being a bit hazy on timescales etc. I did try to skim your previous threads.
what has your husband done to date to reconcile? Is he still admitting to feelings for her? Feelings of confusion?
If so, you have to completely withdraw because there’s no sense to be had from people still in the fog.
if reconciliation is proceeding badly because he’s grappling with shame / depression then again, he has to sort himself out.
None of this is your responsibility. None of it.

I’m sorry but my personal experience is that if you break a glass and glue it back together you will always be able to see the cracks and it will never be the same again, i’ve given second chances and the betrayal sits there like an annoying little twat in the back of your mind rearing it’s ugly head when you least expect it.

For me i got it all wrong because she did it again a couple of years later, maybe forgiveness just sends out the wrong message and they assume they can get away with it again. I hate that feeling of betrayal that makes you feel physically sick for months so i would never forgive again. Betrayal isn’t accidental it’s calculated.

@Dahliadaily I don't want to share too much in case it's outing. No feelings of confusion expressed by him, he is certain that he wants to stay married to me and has no intention of leaving me. I know some posters will probably start commenting that I can't trust a word he says etc. as he has betrayed me before and therefore can't be trusted. He's still admitting to having feelings for her though.

Maybe, just maybe he wants to stay married to you and has no intention of leaving is because it actually suits him.
Separation is a difficult painful process and by him staying in the marriage - despite the obvious warning statement that he still has feelings for her - it actually suits his lifestyle rather than facing the upheaval of having to move out and more than likely into rented accommodation.

Please get your ducks in a row and keep one step ahead of him. It’s only a matter of time that the affair will rekindle Don’t put yourself through the torture of this. You deserve better.

OP, some marriages never recover, but some go on to be very happy - more so than before. It can take time, but if both sides are committed to making it work, and can rediscover what they liked and loved about one another, then the realisation that they don't want to split up, that they've seen the alternatives and want to keep their family intact can be very bonding.

Infidelity is sometimes just careless opportunity, sometimes the reflection of hopeless incompatibility/or deep selfishness on one person's part. Only you will know what it feels like in your case. But if you find you're both committed to trying again, anything is possible. You're absolutely not doomed to a weaker, sadder relationship.

Talk to older couples and you'll find many who had crises or doubts in their marriage at some point, which were rarely public but were resolved. Most who stayed together marvel at how foolish they would have been to leave.

i hope it works out for you.

I think it is clearly OP that you love your H very much. It is ok that you are not ready to leave.

I think you don’t need to force yourself to make decision right now. But you do need to just focus on yourself, rather than the reconciliation, or him. Focus solely on yourself. You can decide when you are ready. Nobody else can give you any answer.

Best of luck OP.

I still love my exH and wish I could have done things differently during reconciliation, I wish I had taken more time, to just let things be, rather than anxiously trying to make decision and trying to make sure reconciliation works etc.

He gave up our marriage pretty quickly, and his AP also is divorcing.

If I had only focus on taking care myself, I’d definitely come out less hurt and stronger; perhaps there may even be chance for our marriage.

I invested too much thoughts and mental energy, into reconciliation, trying to understand him etc, that when it all ended, I was so so broken and barely surviving.

So, don’t need to rush to decide, just let it be for a while. Take care of yourself first and try not to think about the affair.

This thread is sad to read.

I have been betrayed. I lost years of my life trying to heal the hurt, pain, shock and grief that he caused. Then the post-separation abuse quite literally nearly killed me.

Even if you leave, happiness is difficult to find. When someone you love and trust betrays you, it doesn't just mess up your relationship, it actually affects your whole ability to trust others, full stop.
So even future relationships are difficult, because you then struggle to trust/relax or let anyone in, for fear of being hurt and let-down again.

I stand by my stance, that cheating on someone you claim to love is the cruelest thing you can do to another human.
It might sound dramatic, but his betrayal destroyed me so profoundly that I am literally only still here because of my children.

I didn't stay with him and I still have a long way to go to heal the wound he caused.

My advice would be: go to therapy, individually, for yourself firstly.
It is crucial you have a safe space to work things out.

Me too.
And I didn't realise how abusive it was. The post-separation abuse was horrendous and nearly killed me.

My biggest regret was not getting a restraining order. I'd have saved myself a ton of stress and pain, but I was so traumatised by him that I was just stuck in survival mode and too scared because of the trauma bonding.

He stole years of my life and I was so angry when I had that realisation. But in my situation, I was totally trauma-bonded and trapped with emotional abuse.

Absolutely this
its not just the hurt from cheating its the emotional immaturity,betrayal and DARVO

Look up Chumplady @Strawberrina
The Cheaters Script is identical in every case
They likely have strong Narcissistic traits and will go to great lengths to deny what they did was wrong and its your fault -not enough sex, affection blah blah
They never ever wonder if you are exhausted and how they can do their fair share though to make you less tired -no
" they are sorry, they regret it"
It didnt stop them at the time, did it
What they mean is " sorry I got caught" because being exposed damages their fragile ego as a perfect person

Just bin him off

@Strawberrina your reconciliation is false your husband is NOT remorseful.

• he claims he has feelings for OW and discusses this with you
• he has met up with her recently and discussed her plans
• She is due to move back to your town
• He prioritises holding onto his sense of self as a good guy over your healing, the I have feelings for her is part of this and it’s utterly abusive
• You yourself are minimising his actions as ‘weak man’ and hers as ‘manipulative’

You are in a precarious position and I can guarantee this affair will start up again when she is in closer proximity.

I get you don’t want to listen but I am reconciled, I do know what is required for successful reconciliation and your husband is falling FAR short. Not sure if this book has been suggested but ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ Shirley glass will help you see the lack of remorse he is showing and it might help you set boundaries that wake him up.

I know you think I’m being hard but I have been you. I’ve been there. And I know your current state will only lead to further harm for you.

This! Of course he wants to stay married to you, he still gets to have his cake and eat it!! He’s still in contact with the OW who he admits having feelings for!

Where’s his incentive to stop cheating, he knows you won’t leave him no matter what he does?!