Successful reconciliation stories after cheating

[Strawberrina]

Hi Mumsnetters,

My husband had an affair with a younger work colleague in 2024. We reconciled and are working through things and fixing our marriage. I have read many stories here on Mumsnet of married couples reconciling after one of them had an affair, but then eventually deciding to separate for various reasons. Please share with me successful reconciliation stories.

@RubyQueues He isn't working with the AP anymore, she moved to a different town a fair distance away from ours. I did post updates about that.

Hi @aSpanielintheworks thank you for your comment.
May I ask how you found out about the affair? Did your DH confess? Did he cut all contact with the OW?

I do believe a few couples can reconcile well. But it’s rare. I think the traits that allow someone to cheat or betray their own spoken wedding vows are not the same traits needed to reconcile well.

One question. You are posting on here (possibly more than once) in an attempt to get assistance and positive stories. You are using chunks of your time/effort/brain power on this matter. Where is he posting? How much time is he spending on seeking good news stories, guidance on how to have the qualities and values he said he had (but didn’t really) on why he chose to become a liar. Chose to become an abuser who put his wife at risk if ptsd and STDs.

Are you or he putting more time and effort in?

I believe a lot of marriages split at 4-5 years because then the betrayed are in a better place and they realise the dude (dud) across the table has poor personality traits and poor values. It’s hard to respect someone who lies and sneaks about behind the bike shed like a 14 year old with a packet of benson and hedges and his best mates girlfriend.

What exactly is he doing op to fix this?

I wish you well - this wasn’t your fault and it sucks you are in this position.

@Flowersandthorns dont be hard on yourself.

I respect anyone who sticks by what they think is right while going through a traumatic time. I respect someone who tries to fix something they didn’t break. I also respect people who walk away.

Being injured /abused by someone who purports to have your back is exceptionally traumatic.

Find a way to rewrite your narrative. You stayed maybe because you like to see the best in people you love. Or you stayed because you valued the family or your child’s security.

I assume you did the best you could with the info you had and the situation you were thrown in despite being in an emotionally vulnerable place and maybe trying to keep yourself together while juggling a job and kids . You came out the other end.

Eckhart Tolles material is worth reading. It’s not about cheating specifically but about Dark periods and how it can change us. In fact he says the Dark Night of the Soul was meant for you. Maybe to fix something that needed fixing. He is also on YouTube.

Rewrite your story. You did the best you could in a shit situation, you lived to tell the tale and maybe help someone in the future?

What good came from it?

Sorry op a bit off topic but it may help you too. Especially the bits where he talks about internal monologues etc.

My exH had an affair and although I didn’t see it coming and was still madly in love with him I ended the marriage as I realised that there’s no relationship without trust.

Yes people can learn to rebuild trust and it does happen in some relationships but I knew deep down that if we had worked through it I would have spent a lifetime wondering where he was and who he was with and I didn’t want that life.

It was a very difficult period of my life but I met someone else and remarried and I wouldn’t change my life for anything. I trust my dh and we love and respect each other.

I know that you’re asking for success stories but sometimes life doesn’t always go to plan and we’re faced with challenges but I look back now and realise my first marriage ended because we weren’t meant to be together.

Be kind to yourself x

My husband had an affair after we had been together for 7 years, it was a quick seemingly meaningless affair, I found out, he finished with her and begged to come back. I forgave him, it was hard but we moved on, and for 16 years it was great, then he got depressed because of a few things all building up, job pressure, child leaving home, my menopause, so turned away from him, yes, you’ve guessed it. Another affair, only I caught this one when it was in its infancy so he was totally besotted, he left me and moved in with her after a week. It obviously went tits up for him, I mean he moved in with her before they even really knew each other, or before they’d even slept together, she didn’t know about his erm, issues. They were done and over within weeks.

My point is, even after 16yrs his default in times of stress was to look for validation in someone else. If you get replies like “I don’t know why I did it” then how on earth can he stop himself from doing it again? He needs therapy to know why and to change habits, you can’t simply go back, you have to rebuild.

I’m not saying I regret those 16 years between affairs, I had some amazing times and I’ll treasure the memories I have forever, but many are tainted now and I wish he’d just let me go the first time.

@Strawberrina it depends what you mean by ‘successful’. If you consider ‘not divorced, both a bit miserable and adult DC who don’t speak to you’ to be a success story then one of my relatives has managed it!

@FairyMaclary The biggest positive is that I can now moved forwards without any regret. He does not deserve me and on that I am now clear - the issue was him and not me. Ironically (or not) my youngest goes to uni this autumn so the family home would have shifted to just 2 of us anyway...I never had to do 'shared care' and my children didn't either.

Take your whole story to survivinginfidelity.com. That site is broadly pro-reconciliation but won't hesitate to tell you if you're failing to move towards it.

I completely agree with @moderate if you’re seeking reconciliation advice then MN is NOT the place.

Reconciliation is rare and long lasting reconciliation is even rarer. Once that precious vase is broken you will always see the cracks where you've tried to stick it back together. Every memory from your life together before the affair will be tainted too.

Yes, we did.

Very happy that we reconciled, although we have a different relationship, but for the better. It's hard work though and you both need to be prepared to put the work in.

As someone else mentioned, survivinginfidelity.com will give you a more balanced view than Mumsnet.

Your relationship will never be the same again. It won't, ever.
And I think you know this as the trust has gone and you are asking on here as you know you can't mend this.
So maybe you can reconcile. But you will always have that niggling doubt inside that will eventually eat away at you.

And the guilt and shame will eat away at him!!

Oh so he’s suddenly husband of the year and completely committed to reconciliation despite his failed promises to leave the workplace and set up his own company etc etc? And she’s suddenly not moving back to the town you all live in?!

Godspeed, it’s your life. I don’t know how you can stand being made such a fool of though! Where is your self-respect?!

@RubyQueues He's definitely not husband of the year and I never said he was.
Rumours have it that she is moving to our town next year. My husband spoke with her during the conference he recently attended and she confirmed it.
I do have self-respect, all I want is keep my family together. My husband is very remorseful about what had occurred.

Not that remorseful or he wouldn’t have spoken to her at the conference. He will do it again, with her too, not even another woman.

In contrast, when mine had an emotional affair during Covid (after his mum died), he changed his job, went to counselling, and on the 2 or 3 times their paths crossed by email (still at the same huge company) he showed me and checked he was ok to respond (I didn’t ask him to do that).

Mine moved out for a month, and spent every day working on himself and what he needed to do to get out of the depression. We are stronger than ever because we did the work, because HE did the work. Do I hate what he did? Absolutely! But he did the right things to fix it, and 5 years on we are happier than we were then.

Your husband (I’ve read the thread) does not give a shit, he is paying it lip service. He won’t change, he is showing you that in his actions. You’ll stay with him, clearly, but don’t come begging for positive stories just to make yourself feel like it can happen…yours is not doing the right things - please realise this.

On your previous thread you stated: "He says that he loves two women, but in different ways." I mean, you're fooling yourself. Your children are grown up and independent, there is no family to keep together in that sense. You want stories from people who made it work who are not remotely in the same situation as you, living with a man who says he also loves someone else and sees her every day. I think you are in deep, deep denial and I do genuinely feel sorry for you.

@Arlanymor As I've said, he doesn't see her every day. In fact, he doesn't see her at all as she moved away.
You must have missed my latest updates on that thread. Husband is committed to making our marriage work.

I must have - I think I gave up after a point. She's moved away but up thread you said that there are rumours she is moving back next year?

I think it has to be a completely fresh start or else this is just going over old ground - not least because this isn't a new thing, is it, it happened a while ago and you found out last year if I recall - but it is central to everything you are thinking about even now, which means there is so much stuff unresolved. He may say he is committed but actions speak louder than words and his actions are far more important than other people's stories about reconciliation.

You can still leave.

‘My husband spoke with her during the conference he recently attended and she confirmed it.’

I’m sorry but this is not the actions of a remorseful man. I am reconciled and my husband shut down ANY contact with the OW. If I thought he was chatting to her it would be over, immediately. The walls needed to be built around my marriage and contact with OW means your walls are still down. How on earth are you supposed to feel safe when he’s having lovely chats with her about her plans. No he is NOT remorseful. Remorseful would mean not even wanting to set eyes on her.

@Arlanymor Yep, moved away but may be moving back next year. And knowing her personality (from what DH told me), she will move back.
I think you are right about the completely fresh start.

‘And knowing her personality (from what DH told me), she will move back.’

SHE is not the problem. Your husband wanting to play the good guy, nice to everyone is!

@Sunshinemoonlightboogie Trust me, I know! I told him many times that he must stop playing the good guy.