Successful reconciliation stories after cheating

[Strawberrina]

Hi Mumsnetters,

My husband had an affair with a younger work colleague in 2024. We reconciled and are working through things and fixing our marriage. I have read many stories here on Mumsnet of married couples reconciling after one of them had an affair, but then eventually deciding to separate for various reasons. Please share with me successful reconciliation stories.

She’ll still be one point of this triangle OP, whether you are aware of it or not. He won’t necessarily tell you if he still has feelings for her. In fact, he very likely wouldn’t.

Emotions, usually quite strong ones, come with affairs. It’s extremely naive of you (and some other posters on this thread) to say she should mean “nothing” to him now. It’s not that simple and the feelings will linger for a while, sometimes a long while, especially if this person is denied to them.

No cheating partner will willingly admit they still have feelings for their AP, especially if they are trying to keep the primary relationship together. Feelings don’t just disappear though.

I see. Well at least he’s being honest. Although that may be “prep work” for leaving you for her if she does move back.

While he still has feelings, he’s always going to be a flight risk.

And loving an affair partner does not always mean they will leave. Leaving is really, really hard for many reasons - financial, family, friends etc.

‘Declaring feelings’ when you’ve chosen to stay with your wife, isn’t about being honest. It’s about holding onto your sense of ego, he believes he’s a good person, who got caught up in a terrible situation, where he had to make some self sacrificing decisions to stay with his family rather than be with his soulmate, his true love. It enables him to maintain his star crossed lovers narrative and that is very problematic for reconciliation as it is still ALL ABOUT HIM. This is cognitive dissonance in action.

He gets to play the sad sausage caught between his family commitments and the love of his life while continuing to cause pain to his wife.

There is ZERO remorse in this man.

Sending hugs. Then comes the worse if we complain, rather than move on quietly, the bitter label comes.

I thought about it and decided I’d rather be perceived as bitter than actually become bitter.

This! I tried to forgive but I never forgot and once the trust is broken it’s very hard to move forward. Four years of trying to reconcile and the resentment just got worse - by the time I left I actually hated the man I married.. sadly I realised the way I’d been treated was absolutely disgusting. I’m now four years on - life is far better and I still can’t stand the sight of him. I wish you well l, I really do. But from personal experience it’s very hard to ever recover.

What does this man have, or do, that would make you sacrifice yourself in this way?

He is making an utter fool of you and you are accepting it. Why?

Do you love yourself, at all?

Why don’t you think you deserve better than this?

It's a complicated situation to say the least! It is true that I cannot control what other people do, I can only control my own actions. He knows very well that if he cheats on me again, that would be the end. No more chances.

When I found out about my husband’s affair, I confronted him and asked him to leave. After a few minutes I hesitated and seemed to back off, I was floundering, I couldn’t think straight. I asked him to stay. He said “you’ve always said no second chances, so why?” And then he pulled a little questioning face. I have never been so hurt in all my life. He used my forgiveness and boundaries after the first time to get me to finish with him. The forgiveness he’d begged for, the forgiveness he’d always told me had made him love me more, the strength he’d told me amazed him, he threw it in my face and used it to get out of our marriage. He mocked, not directly, but oh yes, that’s what it was, he mocked me for what I’d thought was my best quality, my loyalty. My forgiveness and my boundaries were belittled in one sentence. I struggled for months over that.

Boundaries alone won’t stop them, they need to work on why they did it, or they won’t be able to stop themselves the next time. I don’t believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”, but I believe “once a cheat, untreated, always a cheat”, the cycle can be broken but not if they don’t take massive steps to do it.