How to cope with daughters ocd on holiday?

[AnotherNcagain]

Hi all, can anyone give me some tips for helping my older daughter on holiday with her ocd. My younger daughter broke down crying last week saying she was worried about my older daughter and I arguing on holiday. Ages 15 and 20 respectively. My plan is to avoid any triggers for her unhelpful thoughts but I know they will still come. We are sharing a room which makes it more intense. However it’s a luxury resort so I couldn’t afford a second room. Plan is that when we get back she sees a psychologist, I have already contacted a few. I don’t know what I want from this thread, a bit of advice and a handhold I guess …

In what ways does she suffer from OCD? And what do you argue about?

Im sure you know more than me but if she truly has OCD there is no point arguing about her behaviour as she won’t be able to stop it.

She has repetitive intrusive thoughts. I don’t think I put it well … we may agrue about other stuff like if she is getting angry or bullying with younger dd. As the adult I need to step in . I do sit and talk to her for hours about her intrusive thoughts, I don’t get angry about that. I just feel sad and desperate I suppose. And very alone as can’t talk to my limited friends about this.

It would be really good to hear from people who suffer from ocd to just get some insight.

I have OCD. I’d say, yes, support your dd to get some treatment and therapy, but also she’s an adult now. She should be guiding this, perhaps with help financially from you. But your younger dd is not an adult. I would be prioritising her. Make time for her 1 to 1. Take her away solo next time. Don’t ruin the last few holidays of her childhood pandering to your older one. She would be my focus and she’s at quite a delicate age right now.

@mindutopia thanks for your reply. Yes my older dd has said she wants to see someone and we have discussed treatment. I will pay for it plus we have private healthcare.
I do see what you mean re taking younger dd away next year alone. She is my day to day main focus as older dd only lives with me about 10% of the year . So she gets alot of my attention and the house is peaceful. But yes next year I don’t think I will take dd1 away as I’m paying for it all. I don’t mind, I just want her to have a bit of respite from her thoughts as she loves the ocean :(

It's so hard to manage the needs of both daughters - you sound like a lovely mum who is doing her best. Try and reassure your younger daughter that you will stay calm and suggest a walk on the beach or something if you need a break from each other.

MIND has some strategies here to try and manage intrusive thoughts - don't know if they would be helpful for your older daughter but thought I'd share it in case there's anything useful in there

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/self-care-for-ocd/

@whippersnapper55 thank you , I will have a read tonight. The wider issue is my daughter is really disorganised, and it all falls oN me to to organise things in her behalf or she’ll call me with a problem and I have to drop everything. I feel in edge as I’m always waiting for something to “happen”. I had an operation about 2 months ago, I’m recovering well and I wish things she could help like being more organised, that she would do to save me the stress. She’s very academically accomplished and has as really strong group of school friends. I just couldn’t tell any friends about this so I’m offloading here and probably going off at a tangent now :(

I had it in my teens but it mostly revolved around germaphobia and I did everything I could to keep its severity hidden from my family so I don’t really know how to tell you to manage it with her. But i would have been very uncomfortable having to share bathrooms or bedrooms with someone. And holidays made it double as bad. Stress makes it ten times worse and obviously, unfamiliar environments where normal safekeeping processes can’t be done.

Definitely get her into therapy when she gets home.

Thank you @Sodthesystem . She’s ok with germs ect and it’s more repetitive intrusive thoughts. She feels better if she goes over it with me at least 5 times to help it go away.

Does she want to go on holidays with you? How does she feel about going somewhere unfamiliar? What mental health support has she has so far? Can she contact them whilst away if needed?

I have OCD and have had intrusive thoughts. Keeping positively occupied is important, as letting the thoughts turn over in your head while you try to reason with them/negotiate with them, doesn't help, it just turns into ruminating and that ruins days, weeks then months and so on. I attend online support groups which I really recommend. Download the NOCD app full of self help tools. Get the book, Break Free From OCD. Journal, music, podcasts all for distractions and healthy processing. It's a balance of creating space to talk about the OCD in a constructive way, without those talks becoming unboundaried - I wondered if discussing it for hours is maybe a bit much, even though you mean well ❤️ my hard earned experience has taught me to give it space, but not too much space. Otherwise it can turn into a condition that takes over not only their day but yours too.

Remember, you've got needs yourselves as family members of someone affected by OCD. Look after your own wellbeing ❤️ I say this with kindness, this condition can be so much for others to deal with as well as the person who has it. In time you'll all find ways to balance supporting her mental health without compromising your own. Respect and empathy runs both ways and she will need to find ways of self care and coping techniques that empower her to look after herself. Yes she'll probably always need some help - but with support she'll learn to manage better without resorting to things like bullying which is definitely not ok. If she feels triggered, she could try to just remove herself to somewhere quiet and do a grounding exercise, the NOCD app is useful for me to easily reach for when I feel triggered.
You got this, the OCD online community via OCD UK and OCD Action were absolute gamechangers for me managing my condition. They have some support for loved ones too xx

Obviously too late for this time, but in future I think you might have an easier time if you prioritise having more space over luxury. My daughter is autistic and really benefits from her own space so we do budget accommodation with more rooms so she can escape when she needs to. And yes - your teenager deserves some space too.

My daughter is having psychotherapy for intrusive thoughts OCD. It is important not to keep reassuring or going over things with her because it gives the thoughts space, or makes them into something bigger; almost like confirming to her, albeit inadvertently, that the thoughts must mean something bad. The CBT therapy will encourage her to try and let her thoughts pass and not give them space, whilst sitting with the anxiety that might cause in the short term, until she learns that nothing bad will happen, ergo rewiring her thought process.

Obviously, in the short term, that might not help. You do need a trained professional, but it will be as much about you not reassuring her, as it will be about her not seeking reassurance.

I wish you all the best. There is hope. My daughter is already so much better. For your holiday, keeping things light and keeping her distracted with activities might help. I know my daughter always struggles when she's in a new situation. It can be hard work to stop her from spiralling, but breathing, meditation, using methods to stop overthinking loops all help. I hope you all manage to get some rest on holiday 😊.

In what ways is she bullying the 15yo?

Offload away, it's good to get it off your chest! I hope your recovery continues to go well and you enjoy some peaceful times on your holiday. Sending hugs 💐

She will try a force her to do stuff she doesn’t want to do or get very angry and aggressive if they argue . I know that’s not part of ocd and even if it is, my little one should not have to put up with it .

@Stayeduptoolateagain your post is really helpful. My dd wants to go over things with me over and over again. How would you recommend I stop at one time? I can’t wait for her to get help, it’s such a heavy emotional load for her and me. I know on holiday she will join activities like archery or darts and she always meets young people and will hand out so I am hoping she does this. I feel as it’s uni holidays she’s been pretty vacant and it’s allowed these thoughts space to eat away an her.

@jellyfish798 thank you, this is so helpful, I am going to check these out when I get a free moment on holiday. It’s so good to hear from someone that’s suffered from ocd and come out the other end. My DD’s last 6 months of her first year at uni have been ruined ocd. I was wondering if she would even pass the year but she missed a first by 4%. I often think ocd takes hold of the most intelligent. My ex bil also has ocd :(
I will signpost these resources to my daughter once we get back or on holiday if I need to.

She might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist first OP…or someplace that has a team of professionals iyswim.
I say this because a psychiatrist can prescribe medication and a psychologist can’t.
SSRI medication is known to help with OCD.
CBT is also known to help, but sometimes you need the meds too for a while.

What type of things is she wanting the 15yo to do and how does her anger and agression look?
it’s good you’re not pandering to her and protecting your younger child

At 20 it would be easier for everyone involved to book somewhere cheaper & give her her own room. My DS is 20, his little sister 10. He is very laid back & amenable but he does need his own space (and so do I TBH!). Just makes life more pleasant for everyone.

I have OCD and had a lot of intrusive thoughts as a teenager. I found writing my intrusive thoughts down helpful and then writing next to them my reassurances e.g. if my thought was 'The hotel might go on fire' my assurances might be 'The room has a fire alarm, I have checked out the fire exits'.

I have had OCD since childhood, mainly introduce thoughts. My DS15 has it too in a different way. We’ve both tried therapies and I’ve had medication in the past. One thing that really helps is talking the intrusive thought through in the moment with someone you trust (eg. with you). Never act frustrated with her because believe me she is even more frustrated and needs to know you have the time and compassion to help her and that she’s not a burden. If it helps, I have found ways to live with the OCD and have built a successful career, happily married and my son is doing well at school. OCD can be debilitating at times but it doesn’t have to rule your life or define you. I hope this helps and your DD can find a way to navigate this 🌷

I’ll be booking a villa or apartment next time. I made a very rash decision and books only 10 days ago! The girls loved the place as it’s a spa resort but I do get what you are saying and I agree, we all need our space!

Hopefully you find a way to cope and I hope you all have a lovely holiday.