How to cope with daughters ocd on holiday?

[AnotherNcagain]

Hi all, can anyone give me some tips for helping my older daughter on holiday with her ocd. My younger daughter broke down crying last week saying she was worried about my older daughter and I arguing on holiday. Ages 15 and 20 respectively. My plan is to avoid any triggers for her unhelpful thoughts but I know they will still come. We are sharing a room which makes it more intense. However it’s a luxury resort so I couldn’t afford a second room. Plan is that when we get back she sees a psychologist, I have already contacted a few. I don’t know what I want from this thread, a bit of advice and a handhold I guess …

Sending love and support. Sounds really tough. I think you absolutely have to prioritise your boundaries and your own wellbeing. Don’t let her illness control your life. So go on holiday with your DP. Turn your phone off when you need to. Protect your younger dd when she needs it. The more you try and placate your older daughter the worse her demands will become.

This is a really good article by Mind on how to help someone with OCD:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/for-friends-and-family/

@spinningplatez thank you, I had a read. I don’t know how to not reassure her though, Mind tells us not to but doesn’t advise how.

I didn’t contact her today but she messaged me around 5pm. It’s her birthday tomorrow. We were meant to go to the beach but it’s too long a drive with younger daughter sick. They are travelling next week with their dad so she needs to be well. It wasn’t well received, I offered lots of alternatives. BTW she’s 20 tomorrow, so it’s not like are not celebrating a milestone properly. I had to change the ages a bit but at this point don’t care if it’s outing. Feel totally drained and thankful for a few peaceful hours.

Hi OP - so sorry to hear this has all happened. Long reply so no rush, enjoy your much needed chill time and read this when you're ready ❤️

As I've mentioned, I have OCD too and from experience, here's my advice: don't start what WILL become a lifelong habit of giving in every time she claims to feel triggered and claims to have found the 1 thing that will fix it. OCD generally begins much earlier than the timeline she has suggested - this was almost certainly on the cards way before her teens. And it can have many roots, which she's yet to properly explore in therapy, and no matter what, it rarely roots in one person. And there is no 1 thing you can do to get better - recovery is a multi layered process and a long journey. She will not get better just because you leave your partner, that's guaranteed. No therapist would endorse this.

I know it sounds harsh. But I've known many fellow OCD sufferers in my time and tbh, when we're in the thick of things, we can desperately reach for something to stop the anxiety and it can fall into controlling behaviour. It comes from wanting to control our space completely - an impossible and isolating goal - but if you give in to this and leave your partner, then it will just move onto other things you or others do. Such as: don't drive that route, don't make noises in the house, don't hang out with that person, don't buy this, don't use this.

What she can't see right now is that OCD evolves and finds new ways to trigger the anxiety and thus continues a cycle of obsessional thoughts, physical or mental compulsions, desperate attempts to "cure" by extreme controlling of the environment. I'm fortunate that mine tends not to gravitate towards actually controlling other ppl specifically but I'm aware I'm still a handful in other ways when I'm unwell.

OCD UK and OCD Action both have the support for family and friends. They will advise you not to enable her by giving into such demands. It doesn't help. What DOES work: ERP (exposure response prevention therapy. The above charities will tell you both more about it. Trust me when I tell you, if you give up your partner you will begin a cycle where she'll rely on others completely to help her cope, but she needs to learn to do this for herself, and ERP, support groups and self help tools will empower her to do this. It's a work in progress, for her and for you as family.

If your family once again tell you to end your relationship to fix this, tell them what I've said, from someone very involved in the OCD community who has NEVER seen someone get better by putting the responsibility for recovery on others. She's 20, an adult, and has to take ownership of her recovery. When she gets better, she will be grateful you didn't enable her, because the momentary relief would simply be replaced by a new compulsion/obsession. It's the nature of the beast unfortunately. But recovery and learning to handle it IS possible and there's real support to help her do it.

It is a terrible illness, but you are not alone x

I meant go to the GP and tell them what you told us. I know you don't want tale meds but they can help.

Does her Dad contribute to university costs?

@jellyfish798 thank you so much and I know you are right. I have told my daughter several times that if I split with my partner, she will find something else:(
Your explaination is so helpful, I really appreciate it and I didn’t expect this level of kindness from all you lovely people on this thread. I will reread it over and over I think and let it sink in. I thought everyone would tell me to leave my partner so I was bracing for a pile on as I carry so much guilt and shame over this. I will definitely look up the resources you suggested. Thank you for being so open and I am glad you can cope with this cruel illness x

@Spanglemum02 do you mean I should try get meds for myself or dd?

Her dad pays her uni fees and driving lessons and she gets a £400 allowance for living costs from my father. Both grand mothers have paid for her braces. She is also a maths tutor so she works 4-5 hours a week from her bedroom doing this online. I do think if she worked this summer that she would have less time to let the ocd over come her. Her dad earns way more than me as idea was I sacrificed my career so he was main bread winner. I do have a good job but he’s probably taking home £50k more than me. I really do need therapy though. I look 10 years older right now. I struggle to look forward to anything as I don’t know when I’ll get a phone call.

I just meant to have a chat to them. Offload. You hace said you don't want meds.

@Spanglemum02 I may do that, I just don’t want to waste their time or for them to think that. How is life now that your DD has help? I still feel at times my daughter has the maturity of a 12 year old yet she’s very able at booking city breaks and is a great tutor. It’s like when she’s with family, her behavior just regresses.

She doesn't physically lash out any mpre bit she self harms and can be verbally abusive. Yesterday she thought we woudn't get somewhere in time and was kicking thr inside of the car.

She is NEET at the moment. She has more insight now but is still very disorganised.

She disnt dinish school but got sone qualifications with EOTAS tutors.

I used to get the kicking of my drivers seat when I was driving when she was younger @Spanglemum02 so I have every sympathy . My dd has stopped being violent with me and turning tables over or pouring drinks on the floor. She still has an explosive temper though. She is awful at time keeping and very disorganised. Yes I get the verbal abuse alot too.

Another example of how controlling my daughter is. She called me half an hour ago and her dad’s partner is going over to stay. She doesn’t want it but I’ve tried to placate her and said her grandma is there so she should just enjoy her time and block out the unwanted visitor. The partner is my exes affair partner but from my side I don’t care as he was abusive to me and I am over it and she’s welcome to him. She knows my kids since they were little so she’s happy to do things for them and genuinely likes them . My daughter lost it with me as I refused to call her dad and say his partner can’t come over because of daughter. She then called younger daughter trying to draw her in, she was on speaker phone so I told her she was an adult and should not be drawing her sister into these things. I ended up being called a whore and to fuck offf several times. Its constantly like this, I could be having a good day or have plans and the I have to deal with her, she is like a volcano erupting. I don’t even know why I am posting but I suppose it’s some kind of outlet for me to just vent.

She had a lovely birthday yesterday btw and couldn’t thank me enough. It was a peaceful and fun day but now back to the usual shit.

Keep venting.

For starters, you (or DD) can't tell ex who he can invite to his house. Like you said, she can talk to her grandma if she doesn't want to speak to the partner.

My advice is to keepcthings short and sweet and repeat as necessary e.g
"It must be diffcult that (partner) will be there. I cannot control who Dad has at his house. Grandma is there also and you can talk to her. That's my advice". Don't placate or over explain.
With the abusive language you either ignore it and don't respond OR you say "I'm ending the call because you're being abusove". And end the call.

Her behaviour is coming from extreme anxiety but she needs to learn to manage it and not expect you to sort everything. Does she do this when she is at university? If not she must have some strategies she uses there.

I find it easier to have these conversations via messages because it gives you more control.

Have you ever read up on emotional unstable personality disorder? This sounds a lot like that!

What I'm trying to say is that you can empathise with her and validate her feelings of not wanting the partner there but you can't do much about it. Therefore you don't need to have a long involved conversation about it.

@Spanglemum02 thank you and I hope your weekend is going ok? At uni she’d called me a few times at 3am and I’ve nearly jumped out of my skin. One time it was because she had a bad cold and another time it was terror from her ocd. Yes you are right, I shouldn’t placate her as much as I do. I’ve got used to it as I’ve always been pressured by my mum to placate her , which is very unhelpful.

She had managed to calm down after that as 30 mins late my ex called. I thought it was to say that she was out of control however he called to see if he could pick up dd2, who is still sick ( as it’s his weekend). My older daughter was heard in the background and was fine and they were Enroute to the shops. I am glad she made the right choice and curbed her upset / anxiety.

I have not heard of this but she is very emotionally unstable. I will have a read. This thread has been a real eye opener and huge resource to me. Thank you x

Sorry to hear about this OP. She is leaning on you too heavily and also she will need to learn that she doesn't get a free pass to the disrespectful language whether she has mental health or not. Yes ppl get elevated, frustrated, lash out, but this happens a lot less if they start investing in their own recovery and get into good routines. Speaking to you like this is only going to alienate you and name calling/controlling behaviours don't contribute to recovery. Even if you called him and he agreed not to have his partner there, this would only offer temporary relief. So in future I would lean into that when she makes that kind of unreasonable demand: something like "I want to help you but if we do that the OCD will only latch onto something else, so let's focus on what else you can do to feel better".
I don't get much of an empowerment vibe from her - she sounds like she very much goes into child mode and then kicks off when she doesn't get enabled. You wouldn't be helping her if you did, and your mum's 'placating' her is frankly just putting the burden of recovery on you, placating and enabling are often the same thing and do no good in the long term. Your mum's strategy will build a pattern of 'win the battle, lose the war'. If any loved ones suggest what is clearly enabling behaviours, simply say you've been talking to real ppl with OCD and this is what they advised you not to do, as it will make her worse. End of.

Daughter needs to learn for herself and for you that leaning so much on one person is not a support network, even though you do an AMAZING job supporting her, you are one person.

For practical advice here's what my support network looks like and how I use it:

1. Two monthly support groups, lasting 2hrs each. If I'm well enough, I'll just do 1 group, and I'll go whether I 'need it' or not.

2. 2 helplines stored on my phone: CALM and SHOUT. this means I can get neutral support and don't lean too much on 1 person, these services are there to help ppl.

3. NOCD app and wellbeing apps of choice on my phone (Calm app for example) to help me through little bumps through the day, I can reach for them when I need. Grounding exercises are important and if she writes them off, she's missing out. They do help.

4. 1-1 therapy which I attend periodically, not on a timetable as such, rather I arrange it when I'm going through a rough patch or when there's an aspect of my OCD I'd like to pre-emptively work on. This year, I've arranged weekly 1-1 privately for 12 weeks.

Journalling and self care throughout ❤️ my family and partner are great but for their sake and my own I do these steps so that I don't need everything from them - the peer support from ppl with the condition is a true game changer x