How to cope with daughters ocd on holiday?

[AnotherNcagain]

Hi all, can anyone give me some tips for helping my older daughter on holiday with her ocd. My younger daughter broke down crying last week saying she was worried about my older daughter and I arguing on holiday. Ages 15 and 20 respectively. My plan is to avoid any triggers for her unhelpful thoughts but I know they will still come. We are sharing a room which makes it more intense. However it’s a luxury resort so I couldn’t afford a second room. Plan is that when we get back she sees a psychologist, I have already contacted a few. I don’t know what I want from this thread, a bit of advice and a handhold I guess …

My older brother had OCD and I recognise so much of what you say. I say had it’s has you can’t cure it. It’s strange that she has had a diagnosis and no treatment plan? Family therapy is usually offered. I think you need to set some ground rules for your older DD. Also pre plan some time each day to go out with 15 yo and allow 20yo space alone. I think pre planned discussion and expectations so it doesn’t become the 20 yo running the show. She need support but you can’t allow it to take over. What is you plan if you have a day out planned and she is a “bad day”? Do you abandon it? So plan it around expectations of you and your DD. She copes 90% of the time when not living with you (although I imagine you ar remote supporting her ) so have a plan a b c on how you as a family will cope. I think you need to be very well planned and say we are doing x at y time. do you want to come? If she tries to embroil a lengthy offloading session she has to learn to self manage the thoughts. I’d you can postpone it for 15 minutes not hours. I’d also suggest headspace sleep casts for relaxation and breathing has really helped me over the last year.

I'm not sure, to be honest. And I wouldn't want to suggest something like stopping reassurance, suddenly, all together, because a trained psychotherapist is the only one who can really guide you. We went via Bupa, but did have a long wait. If you are able to pay privately, maybe you'd be able to get some sessions booked in the near future? Ours has always been online which makes things nice and flexible, as long as you have a laptop and a good WiFi connection. I encourage my daughter to challenge her thought process when she begins to spiral. It all boils down to a huge amount of anxiety, and her trying to control it. Rather than reassuring her, could you suggest you and her do some breathing or meditation exercises together until she feels less anxious, rather than talking about the intrusive thoughts?

Dd 20 has intrusive thoughts and they were worse at stressful times like exams. She’s also very academic but gets stuck and feels she can’t work enough. I took her to a therapist thinking it was ocd but therapist said more likely autism and adhd. The thoughts are anxiety driven. Anyway it helps to identify where her comfortable spaces and things are. Know what stresses her out so she can prepare for it. Dd is very moody first day of holiday because of the change. Low demand helps, don’t feel disappointed if she’s taking a while to get into the holiday. Re thoughts, think of them as unwanted visitors. They keep knocking on the door and the more you try and stop them coming in the more they push. So you let them in and they stand there saying the same thing over and over. So you give them an allotted time where they can come and talk and then off they go again. Ie when she gets a thought she has to save it for ‘worry time’ which can be half an hour a day. Then you talk at that time but the rest of the time she gently puts off the thoughts and works on something distracting.

I mean if it’s causing this much anxiety just don’t take her is the obvious answer I would say. I wouldn’t be entertaining this. What if she has a mental health crisis abroad?? Think worst case scenario and work back. What impact would this have on you and your other daughter?

I would go with you other daughter and have a good time and then address the issues and hopefully in the future you can plan a less stressful trip together If appropriate.

Theres no way I would even entertain this.

@Besidemyselfwithworry I think when you actually have a child with a mental health problem, you don’t have a choice about whether you “entertain” it. I wouldn’t leave her behind right now. My parents used to be my back up but my dad’s fallen ill this year and I am the parent. In hindsight maybe I shouldn’t have booked it but we fly this morning and I have to hope and try for the best outcome.

@Bonsaibaby thank you, this is really helpful and a concept I can introduce to her about “ worry time”. And I have thought when I look back at when she was little that maybe it was adhd/ autism at the root. We’ve already discussed today will be a low key day and indeed most of them will be. She wants us to do a day out and explore the area but we will see. She usually loves being away but I know this years a bit diffferent. I go with a heavy heart and feel I could have managed the situation better.i was dubious about having surgery while she has been in intense trauma but I had no choice as there was risk to life. My ex is useless and his answer is “ tough love” which in neither kind or helpful.

Thanks to everyone that’s replied from the bottom of my heart. I really needed an inside perspective and I appreciate every response. I am going to reread it in a few days and do a plan of action. I’ve already emailed a few psychologists so I hope I get a response while I am away. There are a few things I can instil when my dd gets these thoughts on holiday.. we’ve agreed she will go over her thoughts when her younger sister is doing am activity so she isn’t burdened with something heavy. I don’t have support for this in real life so I’ve just tried to do the best I can. Thanks again.

When you get the medical appointment, might be worth clarifying if the thoughts are OCD or autistic rumination. The latter would be things she’s unable to resolve in her head, so the thoughts keep coming back. They can be quite obtrusive.

Does she have any tricks for blocking these thoughts when they arrive? Audio books/music? Something like puzzles/sudoko / reading that she can focus her brain on so it’s not running on it’s ‘search function’.

Good luck, all of you.

Depends. My OCD would go crazy in budget although I agree with needing your own space.

I’m mot trying to have a dig at you, but why has it taken so long to even consider getting treatment for her? Why doesn’t she seek or consider treatment herself? We are talking about a 20 year old adult, but your descriptions of her make it sound like she is 5 years younger.

I wish you all the best for your holiday, but maybe have a think if you might have been enabling her. You even opened this thread to ask for coping strategies to keep the calm..

We have struggled for years to access useful treatment for a relative.
Have found this organisation and am pleased with the support.

https://www.integrativecentreforocd.co.uk/

Who diagnosed her and why has she had no input for on services as a result? It’s shocking that it has ruined the past 6 months of her life and she hasn’t got any help. I understand there are waiting lists for therapy but no medication in the meantime isn’t acceptable.

The incidence of diagnosed OCD is higher in autistic people than it is in the general population too though.
In any case I agree it might be worth considering whether she could be neurodivergent OP.

I hope you all have a lovely holiday.

To answer an important question, she has refused treatment until crisis point, We are both against medication and she needs a diagnosis. There is no official diagnosis as such and yes I do think she’s possibly autistic. I would prefer we go down the cbt route but realise if she does have adhd that meds will be unavoidable.

My daughter has been spoilt since birth so has always had things done for her. Partly because she’s always been adored and spoilt by both sets of grandparents. She is I lovable girl though I haven’t made her sound like one,Partly also I have over compensated as her dad is very harsh with her. He’s unable to cope if someone says no to him in. General and yes I’ve enabled her at points to keep the peace. But I agree, I have to organise her for instance book doctors apps and I am authorised by her to do things like this in her behalf as she’s an adult. She is very messy and careless and always late. It does bring us all down ands she fails to recognise the pressure she puts on others

Yesterday went really well on our first day of holiday: Only as the end of the day she had a thought and we went over it very quickly (5 mins). She was satisfied and then went to sleep. She”s been very busy with her camera and we swam and enjoyed yesyerday. Today she will do archery as well as the beach and tonight take part in a Latin American dance night . I think it’s been good for her. I’m not stupid enough to think she’s been “ cured” but I do think it’s a bit of respite for her and us. I will persist to seek private medical care when we are back.