How to cope with daughters ocd on holiday?

[AnotherNcagain]

Hi all, can anyone give me some tips for helping my older daughter on holiday with her ocd. My younger daughter broke down crying last week saying she was worried about my older daughter and I arguing on holiday. Ages 15 and 20 respectively. My plan is to avoid any triggers for her unhelpful thoughts but I know they will still come. We are sharing a room which makes it more intense. However it’s a luxury resort so I couldn’t afford a second room. Plan is that when we get back she sees a psychologist, I have already contacted a few. I don’t know what I want from this thread, a bit of advice and a handhold I guess …

I meant in my first post this morning that I don’t know how I will get her to agree to see a medical healthcare professional.

I might be really out of order here but do you need to answer if she calls? If she is with her dad? What would happen if you didn’t respond?

She will keep calling or she will start calling younger dd. It won’t stop unless we turn our phones off. My brother said the same to me yesterday but recently she’s started talking about “ ending it all” so it’s hard not to pick up, I have said before to her if she does it I will call an ambulance for her.

It’s all out of hand now isn’t it? Out of control.

I have re read your whole thread this morning and understand how desperate you must feel, particularly around the idea of her talking about “ending it all” that must be terrifying.
But it’s very surprising to me that a 20 year old isn’t wanting to sort out her own treatment. Who has decided she has OCD?

She’s said she has an ocd and her actions confirm that. She has intrusive thoughts. But the more I get feedback on this post , it looks like the ocd maybe a symptom of autism..

She won’t get help as it’s easier to make me the cure, my doing what she wants and ending my relationship with my partner.

I can’t sleep so I should get up and work in case something happens later. I know I will feel like a zombie later and want to sleep during work hours. Sometimes I take a 15 min Power nap to get me through. I feel awful, she must feel so awful too :(

Does she call her dad non stop?

My advice is to ignore her and let the 20 year old work out what she is going to do about her own difficult emotions and thoughts, but I totally understand that as her mum you don’t feel you can do that. I really do.
So please believe me when I say, I hope today is an ok day, sending you love and please try and look after yourself and your younger daughter.

Hi op. I have no personal experience of ocd specifically but I have an autistic daughter and things can become incredibly tense on holiday. She also ruminates and over thinks and I spend hours of my life as her sounding board. My only and best advice to you is to roll with the punches. You'll know yourself no matter what or how you prepare, whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. That one scenario that hasn't so much as occurred to you will be the one that arises and the thing is you will find a way to deal with it. I had my own version of it on holiday recently. It came out of thy blue and in the blink of an eye things went from being a successful and calm holiday to be me being the emotional punching bag for a stream of issues that had been building up without me realising. It lasted an entire day and I was broken by the end of it. I have a new mantra I've been trying to instil in my daughter but I've actually also started using on myself - "you can do hard things". And I did do the hard thing, and you will too if a situation arises. Nothing but best wishes for your break, it might surprise you and be completely uneventful in the best possible way 🤞

@IceCave sorry to hear you have gone through it too. Holiday was actually uneventful and lovely. We are back home now and things just get worse day to day. Thank you for your message, I know I will get through it just feeling very low.

She’s meant to be going on holiday with her dad next week but said she won’t now as she’s had a big fallout with him. My partner booked a break away for us as I only go away if I know she’s on holiday too as I have to go in secret from her. I think it will be straw that broke camels back if I cancel on my partner.

it’s just all a mess. People must regret reading all of this as it gets worse and worse.

@AnotherNcagain. I've just read your updates, sorry I didn't realise you were back and were having more issues. I do think there's possibly something wider than ocd and the intrusive thoughts might be a symptom of that rather than the diagnosis itself. I know when my dd had her asd assessment there were many over lapping features (full disclosure the outcome of my dd's assessment was inconclusive, literally "we don't think she's autistic but she might be ". I waited 4 years for that!).

Apologies if you've already been asked and answered this, but are you seeing anyone yourself? I saw a psychologist for many years (initially for post natal depression actually but many years later was back with her once difficulties with dd started to emerge) and I found it immensely helpful. Expensive but worth it.

I also completely understand how you're feeling right now. The stress is unreal. The eggshells. The gratitude for what feels like crumbs. The constant weighing up of every situation trying to stay 6 steps ahead so as to avoid "disaster". I also had a very senior and high pressure job until very recently and everything combined was just too much for any human being to handle. For me the stress, the constant vigilance (and now the peri bloody menopause!) is highly debilitating. I guess I just want you to know you're not alone

I don’t think you should cancel your holiday. I would tell her that you and DD are blocking her temporarily and her dad needs to be her point of contact during your trip.

It must be an incredibly difficult situation but she isn’t going to take accountability until she has no choice. 💐

So sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you had a good holiday but it sounds like things have got worse.

My DS (22) has OCD of a similar nature although he rarely voices the thoughts to me he does his reassurance in his own head and has little rituals in to calm him down - thankfully they don’t involve me.

It’s much worse when he stressed - he’s just graduated and emotionally getting him through the degree was tough. We had many a day when he’d phone constantly - he’d sometimes get annoyed, I’d sometimes get annoyed because he wouldn’t listen to reason.

With friends/family he’s very engaging, everyone loves him & he is extremely personable (has been since babyhood), but he was a challenging child who couldn’t regulate his emotions.

He also thinks he knows best (professionals have suggested he may be ND - it’s pretty obvious to me now - I wish I’d pursued this when he was younger but then I thought he can’t be coz he’s popular and clever!!). He doesn’t want meds and has never really engaged w therapy properly- my eldest now said she felt pushed out when younger as we were always dealing w her brother.

i feel I’ve waffled now but I just wanted to express solidarity. I do think there’s overlap re autism and OCD. Many ND individuals have MH issues. DS has also had a couple of psychosis episodes which were extremely scary for us. He got swift help for that and it was amazing, but the OCD continues.

This, please don’t cancel your holiday.
and Don’t hide it either.
ask her why is it ok for her to go on holiday but not you?
what next, she stops allowing you any friends or to work, but she can still live her life?

Hi OP

firstly, huge sympathy for the current state of play. My youngest DD (now 28) was diagnosed with OCD, GAD and depression in her mid teens. She was self harming and had suicidal ideation. We accessed help from a child & adolescent psychiatrist at a local Priory and she did ‘recover’ and manages a regular life (uni, partner, job, mortgage, dog) nowadays but has to tightly manage her life!

for her, the OCD was the hardest thing, as other posters have said, it can’t be cured but it can be controlled. She had very successful art therapy, OCD focussed CBT and SSRIs for the depression. The OCD gets more heightened during times of stress, still.

as a parent, the hardest bit was to constantly be trying to work out if there was a crisis that she needed support in managing, or if it was a situation that she needed to work on herself. The compulsions were usually when we were advised to step in (back door being locked at night was a specific one, I’d let her go up and down the stairs checking up
to 15 times and then I would step in ‘darling of course the back door is locked, I will check as you know I wouldn’t leave it open over night’ as we’d agreed this) but there was a significant amount of time where the emotional weather, for want of a better word, in the household was controlled by her. We had also been really let down by CAMHS and it was hellish getting her to the Priory to ‘see another person who won’t believe me’ but as she was 14, we managed. With your adult DD it might be harder. Is there another adult who she is close to and trusts who could talk to her about diagnosis and treatment?

you know that this is highly unlikely to be about your partner, this is her current fixation and explanation and it’s likely that it you did break up the focus would move to something/someone else. You also need support and a place to offload as living with someone going through this is a hellscape. does school have any pastoral care that could be offered to younger DD? My elder DD found it useful to have someone outside the family unit that she could really vent to about her frustration with younger DDs diagnosis and behaviors!

as an aside younger DD has been diagnosed with AuADHD in adulthood, I think there can be some co-morbidity of these conditions.

I’m sending you all strength, it’s very difficult for you all.

Sounds really tough.

She sounds like she could be in a mental health crisis, and if she’s at risk of harming herself she should be admitted as an inpatient into hospital.

You can call your local mental health health crisis unit, or take her to A&E, and if she refuses the other options are to call an ambulance or even the police for support.

When a relative was similar to this at one point due to their behaviour we had to call the police who assisted us and were helpful in getting support. It turned out that she had some sort of mental health breakdown. In patient support treated them and gave a plan of action with community care.

Another relative had years of consistently being up and down with mental health and then after thoughts of self harm - even saying their going to end it all - a trip to A&E, in patient support then medication and GP support.

You really need external help. Your daughter’s crisis is affecting you all, and especially because she has expressed thoughts of hurting herself.

OP, I know you said you and DD didn’t want meds, but SSRIs do help with OCD. It may be time to reconsider, but of course she will need to agree which is probably the most difficult bit.

I’ve just had an upsetting call from my brother, he knows about the issues and suedyed splitting with my partner so my daughter is not upset as he said this wasn’t a problem before I started dating. However I reminded him I had lots of other issues with her like me being beaten up by her and her being unable to sleep so I had to put her to bed until she was 14. I mean I actually had to lie down with her and if I moved to leave her room she would wake up: I’m trying to get in contact with a psychologist. He also told me not to go on holiday if my daughter is threatening to harm herself :( which is a big worry.

I had extremely similar with my daughter, violence towards me and her dad and brother and i had to stay with her until shr wemt to sleep until she was 15. It only stopped because she was hospitalised for MH because of the suidical ideation.

My DD had a diagnosis of ADHD at age 6 and a diagnosis of autism at age 18. She also has significant MH problems. She sounds much less'able' than your daughter.

You brother is wrong. This has nothing to do with your partner. It is just what she's fixated on now.

I wish I could remember the poster whose DD was also v controlling who was posting here recently.

Please go and see your GP, you are under a lot of pressure. Go on the holiday.

If you have time or the stremgth look up EUPD and see if that rimgs any bells.

You can support her but you need boundaries.

Honestly @Spanglemum02 I am reading your post and crying. So much resonates here, I really did not expect this level of support and people having experience of going through the same thing. I spoke to my mum and she echoed what my brother said and says my daughter got traumatised as once my daughter called me when she was 15 and I wasn’t home. My mum believes when I don’t have the kids, I should be at home on standby if they need me. Of course where ever they are if there is an emergency I’ll go to them but it’s very extreme what she’s saying. I just feel alone and I can’t stop crying.

I will look up what you suggested. I really feel bad as I wasn’t aware of all these things plus my ex was abusive so I was always giving into her to avoid him getting angry and then that would go on for hours too.

There are more of us thsn you might think. Can you take sick leave from work and see GP.?

Do your brother and mum seriously think you have caused all this? You haven't.

As a PP said have you tried saying 'you can do hard things' .

When does she go back to university?
Remember, autism is a life long condition though OCD can be overcome. You can't 'cure ', nor can you live your life on standby. You love your daughters but you are entitled to a life too. Their Dad isn't sitting around on standby i take it?

I don’t want to take any time off work as I had a staggered return when I was taken ill which was about 1.5 weeks off sick then a month off after my operation. It’s not a UK company so even though legally I have a UK contract compliant with UK law, the company has a different attitude towards sickness. I would not know what to say if I went to the GP. I don’t want tablets for anxiety but prob need them for bp. I am paying for DD’s accommodation so that’s like paying my mortgage out twice so I have no money for therapy but I know I need it badly. I have found a psychologist who seems really good and does sessions with the parents separately. It’s £150 per session. I want to get my daughter on board and see her and if she likes her I will dip into savings.

My mum and brother make me feel depressed with what they say. It’s my lunch break so I will have a quick nap as I didn’t sleep last night. I have a meeting later and have to present and really don’t want to today.

I don’t know if I mentioned up thread but the majority of her exam results from her first year at uni were either firsts or 2.1. She manages to hyper focus and I think it might be a trait of autism. I don’t know. But it’s like there’s two versions of her - one the outside world sees that’s charming and engaging and one we see at home which is angry, controlling and sometimes violent. I feel so bad for her.