Am I being unfair about an overinvolved mother-in-law and grandmother?

[FortyandFemale]

Mother-in-laws! Does yours sound like this??

Ok so I know this will be controversial as most people would love a hands on “grandma” but let’s say you didn’t.. try and see my point of view.

Shes basically too much-I have a son (4) and a newborn. Since my son was born my MIL had been very present, visiting once a week bringing presents/sweets at every visit. Obviously letting him have them without running it by us first! It did become too much so we told her and she visited a little less.
I dont dislike her but she’s intrusive at times & im not a people person tbh so feel suffocated with the constant visits etc.

The main issue I have is how she is with my son , when she looks after him at her house or even when we visit she showers him with new crafts/toys things to do all the time. It’s like summer camp at her house! She never says no, nothing is off bounds at her house, she doesn’t stick to any sort of routine - she invites friends round when our son is there (presumably to show him off) of course when he’s at home with us he thinks we should be the same as “grandma” demanding us to spend endless time doing crafts or playing like she does which just isn’t always possible. She was a school teacher so I think a lot of it is from that.

The worst part is when she asks “him” not me if he would like to stay at grandmas overnight-it’s totally undermining me as she knows I’m not too comfortable with this and have said before.
I have a 3 month old daughter now too and she’s even going on about when she goes for a sleepover 🙈

How do I deal with this situation? I suffer with anxiety and I am very overprotective of my children and what kind of people are influencing their behaviour etc. it’s difficult as her parenting style / morals etc are very different to mine so we definitely clash on that but ultimately I’m his mum so she should respect that. Right?

Once a week wouldn't meet my definition of constant.

How often do you see your parents? Assuming they are local

Sorry but as MILs go this one sounds pretty good, thank her for taking on the doing craft thing - kids love it and there's nothing wrong with saying no to your kid if you don’t want to do something - it won’t harm them and may in fact be a valuable lesson.

not giving them sweets and asking them about sleepovers without clearing with you first - irritating but easily addressed with a conversation.

Let grandma’s grandma - they can add good things to a child’s life!

She shouldn't be asking your son directly if he wants to sleepover - that's undermining and unfair.

But I can't see the problem with the rest of it...spending time doing things with him* and being a bit overindulgent is normal grandparent stuff - just hold your boundries firm at home and he'll get the picture. Having a good relationship with his grandma will be so beneficial to him - don't pass your anxieties on to him.

• I wonder if she thinks you don't give him enough quality attention - maybe being distracted on your phone etc. & she's compensating. Not accusing you personally but this happens in my family. Also once a teacher always a teacher!

She sounds like a lovely grandmother. I really can’t see the problem here. I wish my MIL had been more involved.

What’s wrong with her morals?

agree with PPs. I think children can quickly accept that the things they do with grandparents are ‘treats’ and not always to be expected at home. That’s part of the fun of grandparents! I have fond memories of being spoilt with sweets by grandparents, but I didn’t get lots of sweets at home.

Sounds like you are both just completely different people. I am a teacher too and when my gd came over l always had crafts ready as that is my comfort place and meant she was happy and occupied. I think that part is fine as better than letting him watch TV all the time.
But l hate the grandmas looking for sleepovers so could you get your dh to say to his Mum when he is alone with her that you both are not into sleepovers. Saying that l really appreciated my own Mom taking my dc if we had a wedding or something to attend so just say for now in case you do need her later on.
If she was coming over everyday l would lose the will to live but once a week seems normal enough. Does she come when your dh is there as really its him who should be entertaining her.
Try and see what help she can be to you with your new baby and focus on that bit as a helpful Gran can be a godsend while caring for a new born.

you sound hard work OP, she seems a lovely Grandma

You need to both be the parents so if she brings sweets and you don’t want him to have them say firmly ‘let’s put these away you can have a few after tea’
At her house I’d say as long as he’s safe and have fun she should do what she wants. At your house stick to routines and boundaries.
If she asks him to sleep over say to her ‘please don’t ask dgs it’s dh and my decision and we bc will discuss it later. ‘
How often she visits is up to you I wouldn’t say once a week is excessive, does she discuss in advance or just turn up?
id expect dh to take the lead and speak to her when needed.

I am a grandma and have lots of activities for my grandsons to do at my house. I see nothing wrong with that. I would probably not ask them directly if they wanted to come for a sleepover but all you have to do is tell him, not tonight and deal with the disappointment. I think you sound quite rigid and hard work.

I would find weekly visits from my MIL a bit much too OP. However it does sound like she means well. Crack down on the sweets though - as a teacher she should know better!

So your son adores his grandma? Loosen the rope. You can have routines, don’t ruin something lovely. All my kids love their grandparents, I had a ‘their home, their rules’ approach. Guess what, they’re all fine.

She does crafts with him!? The bitch!

The visits to grandma sound so good for your son. How lucky that he gets lots of 1-1 time to do crafts with someone who used to educate children for a living. How lucky that he is so loved.

The little niggles like the sweets etc can be sorted with a conversation. You need to have a serious moment of self reflection, do you want to restrict MIL's access to your grandson because you think she is behaving badly, or is her hands on approach is making you feel inferior or possibly jealous?

No mate, this is you. You’re the problem here.

A four year old understands perfectly that what goes at grandma’s house won’t be allowed at home. Unless she’s plying him with vodka whilst watching porn, giving him something he’s allergic to, or smoking and swearing like a trooper, you suck it up.

Overnights with a baby are the hill to die on if you don’t want to be separated (I wouldn’t) but the rest of it sounds like YABU

Yes, to be blunt YABU. Your MIL sounds like she wants a loving and involved relationship with her grandson and he will benefit so much from that. Chill out OP and count your blessings your son has this strong relationship. You can tell her to hold back on the sweets but the rest of it sounds like you are being over anxious and controlling.

I wouldn’t like her offering him sweets without checking and I wouldn’t like her asking him to come visit or stay over instead of me, or talking about my 3m old staying over. I wouldn’t love the constant stream of strangers when my dc were over there either tbh.
keeping him busy and not saying no at her house is good grandma stuff though I think.

I think you can ask her directly not to ask him. And to ask you about sweets.
or you can have her visit less and babysit less if it’s really bothering you.

Sounds like my parents were with mine. They are fab grandparents, it’s great my children had the opportunity to have that relationship with them. I never had that.

Grandparents are there to spoil them, I’d advise you loosen up a bit!

I'd create a regular visit once a week. Your ds will learn that Friday afternoons are with his gran. Let her do all the arts and crafts they want, why would you stop that? It's all good.

Ask her to limit sugar as it stops him sleeping/bad for teeth etc, but give her free rein with the games and creative stuff.

Enjoy your afternoons alone with your little one. Relax.

Sorry op but she sounds lovely. You can’t blame her for your child wanting to play at home with you all the time. Some children are like that. My dd could not entertain herself at all, she always wanted to be doing an activity with a grown up whereas ds would be happy playing by himself.
You could get dh to tell her that she has to run sleepovers by you first before offering them to dc, but apart from that I really can’t see what she’s doing wrong. Once a week visit doesn’t sound like it’s too much either.
would you feel the same if it was your mum that was in MILs position?

Sorry but you’re being ridiculous if that’s all you’re complaining about.

It’s not all about you. It’s also about your children. I have such wonderful memories of my grandparents doing the kind of things you’re moaning about. My parents would more likely have flown than done arts and crafts with us. But it’s the kind of thing that takes time and effort and you’re often too busy and worn down as the parents (although mine couldn’t be arsed really at all and thought good parenting was taking us to sit in a pub garden with a coke).

My granddad used to pot plants with us or do a stamp collecting book or look at old coins. It doesn’t matter what it was the fact that it was different things to what I did with my parents and it was the time they devoted to me that was important.

To be honest if you’re so obviously showing your disapproval to the woman then I’m not surprised she asks your son rather than you if he’d like to come round.

Do you ever go and visit her? It sounds like you want her to disappear altogether! And what about your husband? Doesn’t he want his mother to be involved with his kids? Or doesn’t he get a say?

Unless there’s a massive drip feed I would say you’re being unreasonable. Look if there are particular things like the sweets thing then get your husband to ask her not to give them sweets but you can’t expect her not to exist.

I would give sweets directly to my DIL if I bought them, which I wouldn't.

Except for that @FortyandFemale be very glad you aren't my DIL. You sound very ungrateful. I'd have bitten my MIL's and mum's hands off, for that sort of help and support.

She sounds wounderful. Your son is very lucky child.

Aww she sounds like my Mum, she was the best Nannie I could have wished for to my daughter.
She’s overstepped by directly asking your son if he wants a sleepover though so I’d ask her to always come to your first (away from him) with requests like that.

Your son will greatly benefit from having someone in his life who says yes to everything, gives him 100% undivided attention. Parents can’t do that, we have to provide boundaries and rules, grandparents can be the crazy ones with no rules and extra sweets and love.
Your children will learn there are different expectations in different houses.
As long as he is safe at his grandma’s house and she adheres to your rules that are absolute (no bedtime past 9pm for example).

You say her morals don’t align with yours-what do you mean?