Am I being unfair about an overinvolved mother-in-law and grandmother?

[FortyandFemale]

Mother-in-laws! Does yours sound like this??

Ok so I know this will be controversial as most people would love a hands on “grandma” but let’s say you didn’t.. try and see my point of view.

Shes basically too much-I have a son (4) and a newborn. Since my son was born my MIL had been very present, visiting once a week bringing presents/sweets at every visit. Obviously letting him have them without running it by us first! It did become too much so we told her and she visited a little less.
I dont dislike her but she’s intrusive at times & im not a people person tbh so feel suffocated with the constant visits etc.

The main issue I have is how she is with my son , when she looks after him at her house or even when we visit she showers him with new crafts/toys things to do all the time. It’s like summer camp at her house! She never says no, nothing is off bounds at her house, she doesn’t stick to any sort of routine - she invites friends round when our son is there (presumably to show him off) of course when he’s at home with us he thinks we should be the same as “grandma” demanding us to spend endless time doing crafts or playing like she does which just isn’t always possible. She was a school teacher so I think a lot of it is from that.

The worst part is when she asks “him” not me if he would like to stay at grandmas overnight-it’s totally undermining me as she knows I’m not too comfortable with this and have said before.
I have a 3 month old daughter now too and she’s even going on about when she goes for a sleepover 🙈

How do I deal with this situation? I suffer with anxiety and I am very overprotective of my children and what kind of people are influencing their behaviour etc. it’s difficult as her parenting style / morals etc are very different to mine so we definitely clash on that but ultimately I’m his mum so she should respect that. Right?

What do you think OPs background is?

She sounds lovely and your issues are yours.

4yo is old enough for a sleepover and gives you a break.

I’d love a mother in law like this if I’m honest

I think children can quickly accept that the things they do with grandparents are ‘treats’ and not always to be expected at home. That’s part of the fun of grandparents!

Children understand this. It can be a bit galling when GPs get to do the good things and have the fun while you are the one setting boundaries and being the bad cop but you need to be mature enough to take this on the chin and focus on what might enhance your children's lives in the long run.

Do not begrudge your son this fun time and attention.

Just tell MIL that you would rather she brought something other than sweets and that you would rather she talked with you about the idea of sleepovers instead of setting up expectations with your son that perhaps you are not happy with. But to be honest he is quite old enough for a sleepover and I am willing to bet he would have a ball. Why do you want to deny him this? What do you have against it? - as long as you say no sweets or whatever it is you do not want to happen, then I see no problem.

I am a grandma and my GC have things that they do with me that they do not do at home. My house is full of art and craft materials and musical opportunities and they love it - it is simply what they do at grandma's place and my DDs are delighted that I take the trouble and time to do this when they themselves are so very busy with work. There are also treats that they do not get at home - but my DDs know about this as I have asked and they think it's great - e.g. when I used to pick them up from school once a week there was always a little Freddie Frog chocolate bar to be found in the glove compartment - a little weekly treat that became a ritual. And even after they started school, on arrival at my place after school they would settle down for a short while with a favourite TV programme and a "milky bottle" - they were far too old for it of course, but they knew it was a bit of a jokey thing, a comfort after a busy week and much looked forward to.

They have grown out of a lot of this now but I continue have a good relationship with them all and they know that I am always there for them.

Why would you want to deny your chidlren this extra relationship in their lives, from which they learn that people do things differently but can till get along?

If this MIL were a hard bitch, a cruel woman or someone with values deeply at odds with your own then that is a different matter. But it sounds as though she is simply a kind woman with something positive to add to your children's lives.

Giving him sweets and inviting him for sleepovers without asking you first and making sure you’re ok with it is overstepping.

On every other count YABVVU. A loving, involved grandmother who spends time genuinely connecting with her grandson and helping him develop through crafts and activities is about as good as it gets, OP, and visiting once a week doesn’t sound overbearing.

It’s up to you and your DH to set the rules for your children, of course, but curtailing their healthy, loving extended family relationships because of your own anxiety and introversion is unfair on everyone but you.

Having family members you can trust to protect and look after your children is invaluable, as you may come to appreciate as they grow.

I suffer with anxiety and I am very overprotective of my children and what kind of people are influencing their behaviour etc. it’s difficult as her parenting style / morals etc are very different to mine so we definitely clash on that but ultimately I’m his mum so she should respect that.
@FortyandFemale

1. What medical help have you sought for your mental health problems? It seems like to me you're spiralling & projecting your anxiety on to this situation. You've just had a new born so you're in the danger zone for PND.

1. You say your morals don't align with your mil yet you married her son, who she brought up according to her moral code. So is your dh not acceptable either and does he have any say in how your joint children are brought up? You sound quite controlling to me rather than anxious.

2b. You're also a mother to a son who might one day have a partner who might also have a v different moral code to you. A little self awareness and perspective might help your tunnel vision.

3.Do your parents get a free pass and is it just your mil that you detest?

1. What was your relationship like with your own grandparents?

Edited to sort out wonky numbering

Yes, I’d say you’re being unfair and it’s due to your anxiety. The staying over and not asking you is unfair though, as I think that’s manipulative on her part, but it sounds like she’s feeling restricted and wants to be a good grandmother

I’m a grandma, the best part of being a grandma is having time to do crafts / baking / gardening / parks / playing hairdressers or doctors. I can do my housework and other life stuff when they go home so I can give them my 100% attention when they are here. We do go out as well and see other extended family and they have met some of my friends, of course they are always with me and I don’t leave them with anyone else, unless it’s an organised activity ( which I would always check with their parents first). I understand that parents don’t have the luxury of always being able to give constant attention and it’s not some sort of competition, I was the same when my children were small, guess what, my boys loved going to my mum and dads and being “spoilt” with attention they also spent many happy times with my in-laws in their countryside home, and back when I was a child me and my siblings also had a wonderful relationship with one set of grandparents ( the other set lived hundreds of miles away) so we are just repeating a lovely family pattern.
They will naturally grow out of wanting to spend time at grandmas so we enjoy it while we can.
My grandkids are not overly fond of sweets so I always have loads of nice fruit in with no limits as long as they eat their meals.
I’m with you on the asking about sleepovers I would only ever discuss this with their parents.

Apart from the sweets, encouraging him to craft and visiting once a week is brilliant.

My mum was that lovely Grandma and I am now that lovely Grandma!
I was so appreciative towards my Mum for being so caring as is my daughter and SIL.
The other Grandma is brilliant as well and my daughter is so glad that her children have such caring Grandparents. Try and loosen up and if necessary maybe speak to GP incase it’s PP blues .
Edited to say that two of my good friends see my grandchildren regularly when they are here or if I am taking them on a day out. Adult company is great for me if I have the children all day,extra eyes arms etc and my grandchildren enjoy their company .

I'd knock the constant sweets and asking him if he wants to sleep over on the head. But the playing and crafts and attention is all good.

MIL really shouldn't be making judgements about OP's level of "quality attention" towards the children based on one weekly visit.

I was ready to hate her (I have an over-bearing DM), but she sounds great. Can’t believe you’re complaining about her crafting with him. Would you rather they just watched devices? Maybe you need to address your anxiety, rather than create issues with your MIL.

Yeah, the MIL isn’t the problem here.

she doesn’t stick to any sort of routine - she invites friends round

So what? Why is that a problem? Sounds completely normal.

she showers him with new crafts/toys things to do all the time. It’s like summer camp at her house!

Again, so what? She sounds like an amazing grandma.

I suffer with anxiety and I am very overprotective of my children and what kind of people are influencing their behaviour etc

Yeah, that much is obvious.

OP, if you’re anxious about your son having a nice time with his grandma, who does lovely things with him, you need some sort of therapy.

morals etc are very different to mine

How are they different? And what impact is it having on your son? He’s just playing and doing crafts with her ffs, not attending an indoctrination camp.

There’s not actually anything to suggest that she is making those judgements, though, is there? That was pure speculation.

Your mother in law sounds awesome, you just need to establish your boundaries with her in terms of asking him about staying before checking with you etc.

what you can’t do is say that she should be less fun with him because otherwise you have to be more present. He will learn that grandma is fun and he gets to do tonnes of things there that he can’t at home and it will allow them to bond. My mum was super chill with my son compared to me and my sister, that’s how it works…

Once a week is not constant?!

I feel awful now for always having activities at my house!

We don't do sweets without asking and sleepovers are when parents agree but the rest sounds lovely.

What does your husband think about his mum's behaviour, particularly the constant supply of sweets and her asking your son if he wants to have a sleepover without checking with you and your husband first?

Granny’s privilege is to spoil their grandchildren.
She should ask you about sleeping over though.

But accept the spoiling.

Your children will not expect mum and dad to do the same. Not at all. They know the difference.

Tell your DH to deal with it . He does his people , you do yours .

Her giving sweets and offering sleep overs without asking is poor.

But only one thing in all that you’ve mentioned is known to have a detrimental impact on children and that’s your anxiety. Maternal anxiety is linked to host of issues for children. It’s also likely a significant driver of your lack of comfort with your MiL’s involvement.

is your anxiety long standing or just since you had the DC? Or is it just because you’ve recently given birth (a spike in anxiety post birth is normal but should resolve quickly. If your anxiety is not a blip related to childbirth this should be your priority here. Once you tackle that you’ll have a clearer view of things.

in the meantime, though, have DH be the point person with DC and MiL, he could take them (or just DC1 if you aren’t ready to be apart from DC2, yet) round every weekend to give you a break.

You think once a week for a MIL to see HER SONS children is ‘too much’. How often does your mother see them? WTF is wrong with you? Some people would kill to have lovely grandparents. I hope my son never meets a woman like you

She sounds great, we have a “what happens at granny’s, stays at granny’s” rule. It’s perfect normal for the parent that let you have one Polo for highnoons and holidays will now fill your beloved with sugar at the drop of a hat!

Jesus, mothers of sons really can’t do anything right at all. Could you ever imagine a father having an issue with the mums mother about this? Give the woman a break, grandparents spoil their grandchildren. She shouldn’t ask him to stay though so you should address that