Am I being unfair about an overinvolved mother-in-law and grandmother?

[FortyandFemale]

Mother-in-laws! Does yours sound like this??

Ok so I know this will be controversial as most people would love a hands on “grandma” but let’s say you didn’t.. try and see my point of view.

Shes basically too much-I have a son (4) and a newborn. Since my son was born my MIL had been very present, visiting once a week bringing presents/sweets at every visit. Obviously letting him have them without running it by us first! It did become too much so we told her and she visited a little less.
I dont dislike her but she’s intrusive at times & im not a people person tbh so feel suffocated with the constant visits etc.

The main issue I have is how she is with my son , when she looks after him at her house or even when we visit she showers him with new crafts/toys things to do all the time. It’s like summer camp at her house! She never says no, nothing is off bounds at her house, she doesn’t stick to any sort of routine - she invites friends round when our son is there (presumably to show him off) of course when he’s at home with us he thinks we should be the same as “grandma” demanding us to spend endless time doing crafts or playing like she does which just isn’t always possible. She was a school teacher so I think a lot of it is from that.

The worst part is when she asks “him” not me if he would like to stay at grandmas overnight-it’s totally undermining me as she knows I’m not too comfortable with this and have said before.
I have a 3 month old daughter now too and she’s even going on about when she goes for a sleepover 🙈

How do I deal with this situation? I suffer with anxiety and I am very overprotective of my children and what kind of people are influencing their behaviour etc. it’s difficult as her parenting style / morals etc are very different to mine so we definitely clash on that but ultimately I’m his mum so she should respect that. Right?

the beauty of grandparents is that it is very hard for them to spoil a child. They swoop in for a bit, lavish attention, and then disappear. Grandparents get to be fun and games. They don’t need to follow routines except to the extent that deviating upsets the child.

As long as she follows your rules about safety and any major guidelines, let your children have fun.

I think if she has the times and inclination (and energy) to do crafts and activities with your DS then I think that’s lovely. Don’t compare it to home though - she’ll have 6 days to tidy up/recover and you have DS every day!
Please don’t feel bad about not doing what she does with your DS. That’s what good grandparents do! Be glad he has a lovely relationship with her.

It's kinda what grandma's do. This is someone else really import in your child's life who loves them. It's hard cause it's your baby and you instinctively want to keep them to yourself. It's made worse by the fact that you don't really like her. The one thing I would do is address her asking the child if he wants to stay over. Her son should speak to her about this and tell her not to do it again.

I’m with you OP, once a week would be too much for me. She needs to respect your boundaries. You are a family of 4, not 5. You shouldn’t feel like she is trying to parent too, or making decisions that should be made by you. MILs need to learn to respect boundaries.

Where is MIL trying to parent?

MILs need to learn to respect boundaries.

And some DILs need to learn empathy.

Address the importance of asking you about sleepovers, but other than that enjoy having a grandparent to your children who wants to be there for them. Enjoy the free time these sleepovers give you, and treasure your dear MIL - she raised your DH and taught endless school children during her career.

My mum and dad were fantastic DGP’s but I had to pay my MIL to babysit (once in a blue moon) and any treats at their house were also paid for by me / DH. My DC don’t know half the story about their DF’s parents but as adults they don’t speak about them in the glowing terms that they use for the ones who were there for them.

Most of all, get your anxiety seen to, as you are coming across as a bit neurotic (might just be hormones), but this “issue” you speak about makes you sound as though YABVVU.

I would consider myself on the over protective side but playing games and doing crafts with your son once a week isn’t quite an evil picture that you seem to see it as. You don’t like it because you feel guilty that you don’t have the time/energy/desire to do that. Let him have a loving relationship with his grandmother - ask her to tone down the sweets, say no to sleepovers and use some of the time you currently spend cataloguing her offences doing something nice with your child.

How often does she look after him at her house, as well as visiting you weekly.

Is your husband / her son at home with you when she visits weekly - he ought to be he is her son.

Who is inviting her to visit weekly - she is invited and not taking it upon herself just to turn up ?

Craft is sooooooo boring, think yourself lucky you don't have to do it at home.

Sleepovers - why. How on earth did that start, he is so young.
Did you need her to babysit or something.

Crafts sound fabulous. No boundaries sound trickier, but given your attitude to crafts it is hard to tell if you’re being even a tiny bit accurate about ‘no boundaries’, which is the opposite of the ex school teacher vibe you say she brings. My aunt was a schoolteacher and we went for sleepovers and love her very much. There were very very much boundaries!!!
a 4yo should be able to have occasional sleepovers at the grandparents. You can allow that say twice a year without allowing it for the 3mo who is too young. You really need to reset the resentment here. Visiting once a week sounds fine too.

I am going to say this kindly as I recognise myself a little bit in your posts, as someone who struggled with debilitating post-partum anxiety.

It really made me feel like any difference of opinion or a different approach between myself and my in-laws was an attack on me, a way in which I was inadequate as a mother (a bit like the crafts/lavishing attention thing you mention) , and I would project that outwards by being defensive and trying to regain some control by having “boundaries” that were completely unecessary.

As my mental fog cleared up (it took a few years to be honest and I wish I had sought help sooner), and I got better, I realised some of the stuff I had said and done had been downright ridiculous. But I didn’t have that perspective at the time. That is not to say you can’t ask her to give him fewer sweets and to not get his hopes up regarding sleepovers, but I would relax on the other bits. My own DM is lovely with my daughter but to be honest she can herself get distracted, be on her phone, put the TV on too much - I would love it if she was as present as your MIL is! But I appreciate their relationship for what it is and as long as my DD isn’t harmed, I would never seek to curtail her relationships with either grandma.

You might appreciate the help as well! I used to be so anxious about sleepovers etc too but once I made an effort with my MIL, not only has my relationship with her improved massively and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with her even one on one, but my DD’s life has been enriched way more than it was when I had a strict list of boundaries for my in-laws to adhere to, which was really just a way for me to still feel in control of my parenting and life.

I don’t normally comment but saw myself in this a bit and didn’t want to read and run!

I, too, am agog at MIL's morals!

Well, it looks as if OP has stropped off so I suppose we'll never discover the truth about MIL's morals. I hate it when that happens.

She sounds very much like how a grandparent should be. Treats and fun and a lack of usual boundaries enforced at home. Its different if a GP is proding daily daycare when a routine is needed, but weekly visits should be “granny”. My MIL is a bit like this and an ex teacher and my kids adore her. Its about their relationship with her, not mine, so i live and let live.

My FIL on the other hand is way too strict and tries to parent them like he parented my DH (think victorian era discipline, clip around the ear, constant lectures). Kids give him a wide berth and now they are older dodge visits when they can. Granny however, they love to visit!

I would say kindly, unclench on the sweets and activities and have a quiet word to remind her to check first before asking for sleepovers.

I think you need to stand your ground OP. If you say her parenting style/morals are different to your own. They are your children and what you say should go. I'd ask her to limit the sweets and have a conversation with her about directly asking your 4 year old if he'd like to stay over. Ask her to run it by you first. She sounds a bit over-bearing, if well meaning. I think it is good to have her in your children's lives (they will love doing arts/crafts and having attention from their grandma) but you need to set a few boundaries with her.
Ultimately, they are your children and I suspect there are other things about her that you have not mentioned here that make you feel a bit uncomfortable.