Am I being unfair about an overinvolved mother-in-law and grandmother?

[FortyandFemale]

Mother-in-laws! Does yours sound like this??

Ok so I know this will be controversial as most people would love a hands on “grandma” but let’s say you didn’t.. try and see my point of view.

Shes basically too much-I have a son (4) and a newborn. Since my son was born my MIL had been very present, visiting once a week bringing presents/sweets at every visit. Obviously letting him have them without running it by us first! It did become too much so we told her and she visited a little less.
I dont dislike her but she’s intrusive at times & im not a people person tbh so feel suffocated with the constant visits etc.

The main issue I have is how she is with my son , when she looks after him at her house or even when we visit she showers him with new crafts/toys things to do all the time. It’s like summer camp at her house! She never says no, nothing is off bounds at her house, she doesn’t stick to any sort of routine - she invites friends round when our son is there (presumably to show him off) of course when he’s at home with us he thinks we should be the same as “grandma” demanding us to spend endless time doing crafts or playing like she does which just isn’t always possible. She was a school teacher so I think a lot of it is from that.

The worst part is when she asks “him” not me if he would like to stay at grandmas overnight-it’s totally undermining me as she knows I’m not too comfortable with this and have said before.
I have a 3 month old daughter now too and she’s even going on about when she goes for a sleepover 🙈

How do I deal with this situation? I suffer with anxiety and I am very overprotective of my children and what kind of people are influencing their behaviour etc. it’s difficult as her parenting style / morals etc are very different to mine so we definitely clash on that but ultimately I’m his mum so she should respect that. Right?

I think you are being absolutely ridiculous about the crafts thing. Would you want a grandma that just sticks him in front of the tv? Also, regardless of her giving him constant attention and keeping him occupied (God forbid!), children always want their parents attention and for them to do things with them. That is normal behaviour and unlikely a result of you MIL 'indulging' him with crafts.

My 4 year old knows that what he gets a grans house is not what he gets at home and doesn’t even try asking 😅. Honestly getting spoiled by grandparents is my childhood highlight and ideally becoming my sons as well. I do have boundaries I’m strict with (which have gotten smaller since he’s gotten bigger) but other that they there house their rules

I’m afraid YABU. So: you don’t want your DS to do lovely, enjoyable things with his Grandma, a trained teacher, because it makes him want to do lovely enjoyable things with you too? Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds? (I’m assuming she isn’t spoiling him by spending a lot of money on new toys every week.)

You or your DH can tell her you don’t want her to give him sweets or talk about staying overnight without clearing it with you first, but the rest of it is just daft. You can encourage your DS to know that time he spends with Grandma is special, and different from his everyday life. He is old enough to understand and cope with that. A visit once a week for a few hours doesn’t seem to me like too much.

Did this thread not go the way you expected @FortyandFemale?

I’m usually team parents as I have the worlds worst in laws but honestly here I do think you’re being a wee bit ridiculous.

Should she ask parents when she gives sweets? Yes if it’s more than one treat.
Should she ask the kid directly for sleep overs? No. She should ask you.

Everything else I’d shrug it off.
Once a week is not too much. As long as she treats the kids equally then I wouldn’t be making a big thing, just a quiet word about the above is all that’s needed.

Your MIL is hands on, visits once a week, provides activities and snacks. When you ask her to calm it on the sweets it sounded like she listened and reduced the amount she brought.

She wants to do sleepovers and I would ask her to make sure she’s checking with you first.

What morals are you referring to? Maybe theres more to this than you wrote?

Don't like the "is yours the same" as if women should all be identikit-reminds me of a slimy boss from my first job who suggested all young women were too emotional at that time of the month.
All middle-age/older women are individuals. Some are very caring and involved with family, some want nothing to do with any grandkids they might have.

My ex mil never once sat and played games / crafts or jigsaws with my dc. My mum was constantly doing these things and reading and buying magazines for them. Guess which grandma they have the best relationship with?

Unclench and stop being so controlling. She sounds like a lovely granny.

This is so sad, you’ve not once thought how your Son feels, only about how you feel… I loved my Nan and have such fond memories growing up, we would spend so much time with her.

You come across very bitter, did you not have involved grandparents growing up I take it? It’s such a precious time, please do not deny your children that.

She loves your son and he loves her. Once a week isnt excessive. I dont see a problem here. Let them see each other. Are you jealous of their relationship?

I always thought the best hit about it being a nan is being able to spoil the GC as you’ve done the hard work raising their parents!

I let my mum and dad get on with it. They raised 3 of us. My dies died a few years ago when my ds was 17 and my nephew was 11 and won’t get to meet my brothers baby due in a few months.

DS just always knew nans rules were different.

However I will aged about 5 my mum realised for herself how much giving him everything had set herself up and reined it in a bit 🤣

Just remember she raised the son who you love and wanted to spend your life with and have children with.

Not liking the replies @FortyandFemale ?

Odd that you've dropped and run.

I would just say directly we dont do sleepovers, or maybe when you're older. As long as youre happy to stick by this when you want a child free night out!

I remember reading an article/ letter a while back-not sure if it was on here or not- about a MIL/grandma situation similar to that described here. The children adored her but their mother (the DIL) found her ‘too much’ and had tried to curtail visits, gifts etc. Then grandma died quite suddenly. The children of course were devastated and with their grief mother realised that all the things that had irritated her had just been expressions of the mutual love between grandma and the children. Surely their are no limits on giving and receiving love?

My dad used to be like that with our kids (he died a few years ago). My children even used to call him grandad chocolate 😂 if the kids had been poorly or something had happened, it would be even worse - several comics, sweets, chocolate. I remember telling him to not do it as much and maybe bring yoghurts or fruit instead. I also thought it must be expensive for him. It hurt him and I felt awful. It was his love language though- to give presents and watch how happy they were when they received them.
Please just let granny spoil her grandchildren and you can help them after - extra brush of teeth, plan a high energy activity afterwards if they’re high on sugar or, chill time if they need help to regulate again.
what I would give for my kids to be spoiled by grandad chocolate now! 😔 it’s even become a thing in my house - I promised my dad I’d spoil them when they were sick. I love remembering him that way (and so do my children).

And she’s giving you space to be with your newborn daughter whilst ensuring that your son doesn’t feel he’s being pushed out or ignored… he’s having fun at grandma’s
Because with the best will in the world, newborns ARE time consuming
And he’s not just watching tv there; he’s doing crafts
Grandma sounds amazing!!

She sounds great with the activities! She's not sitting him in front of a screen. Of course it is fun.

Kids start to learn that different settings have different rules- as he is 4 this is a reasonable time to learn e.g. school different from home

Re the sweets: could you address this with her and give her options that you approve of?

This also gives you a break to focus on your baby?

I agree with you OP. She sounds like an absolute nightmare. Please send her to me and I will gladly take her off your hands.

I feel so sorry for your MIL. She clearly wants to be involved in your children's lives and all you can do is whinge about all the great stuff she does with your DS.

Frankly you should rejoice in the fact she wants to help. Honestly, I find your attitude absolutely baffling.

Love a grandma and mil like this all our kids adore and love to stay over and that's the whole point they get to be spoilt and have fun. Even our youngest twins now 4 were staying from age 1, nothing better than a big supportive, loving family for kids to have to rely on and our olders 13-17 there grandparents both sides are literally there sounding boards with schools stuff etc and they still stay to best friends to

My dad was like this with my kids. He took them everywhere from random shopping trips to train and bus rides hours away, spent hours playing with them rather than dumping them in front of the tv. They loved sleeping over at grandparents house. @FortyandFemale this could become another safe space for your kids, another person in their lives who loves them so deeply and will be of great support to you WHEN you need it (we all do at some stage). Once a week is not excessive, my MIL and mum used to come round more than once a day at one point.
Step back and see your MIL as what she seems to be; a loving, caring grandmother. Don’t deprive your children of that, it’s such a special relationship that not everyone gets to have.

Can he not have a sleepover at grandma’s? I used to love that at a kid, my DDs love sleepovers at my parents too. It would give you a break every couple of months.
I agree the baby is a bit young but can’t see the problem with a 4 year old especially if he wants to

Nothing that you’ve described sounds too bad to me, other than asking DS directly about sleepovers. All I would say to her is that you’d prefer she run it by you or OH first in case you have to say no and he’s disappointed.
Weekly visits is not ‘constant’ by any stretch of the imagination.
The fact she’s so involved and wants to keep DS busy and having fun when she sees him sounds wonderful to me. It doesn’t mean you have to do the same, at that level of intensity. Obviously you have the baby to care for too, and caring for them full time is obviously a lot less energy sapping than the few hours or whatever she has him, clearly you’re not gonna being no crafts and full on activities all the time. It’s ok to say no, mummy has to do this or this. Presumably you do play with him for a period of time each day, even if it’s only short, so you can tell him you’ll paint after lunch or once the baby is napping or whatever.

Where are you OP??