Am I being unfair about an overinvolved mother-in-law and grandmother?

[FortyandFemale]

Mother-in-laws! Does yours sound like this??

Ok so I know this will be controversial as most people would love a hands on “grandma” but let’s say you didn’t.. try and see my point of view.

Shes basically too much-I have a son (4) and a newborn. Since my son was born my MIL had been very present, visiting once a week bringing presents/sweets at every visit. Obviously letting him have them without running it by us first! It did become too much so we told her and she visited a little less.
I dont dislike her but she’s intrusive at times & im not a people person tbh so feel suffocated with the constant visits etc.

The main issue I have is how she is with my son , when she looks after him at her house or even when we visit she showers him with new crafts/toys things to do all the time. It’s like summer camp at her house! She never says no, nothing is off bounds at her house, she doesn’t stick to any sort of routine - she invites friends round when our son is there (presumably to show him off) of course when he’s at home with us he thinks we should be the same as “grandma” demanding us to spend endless time doing crafts or playing like she does which just isn’t always possible. She was a school teacher so I think a lot of it is from that.

The worst part is when she asks “him” not me if he would like to stay at grandmas overnight-it’s totally undermining me as she knows I’m not too comfortable with this and have said before.
I have a 3 month old daughter now too and she’s even going on about when she goes for a sleepover 🙈

How do I deal with this situation? I suffer with anxiety and I am very overprotective of my children and what kind of people are influencing their behaviour etc. it’s difficult as her parenting style / morals etc are very different to mine so we definitely clash on that but ultimately I’m his mum so she should respect that. Right?

A new craft or something while minding a young child at her house seems reasonable and a nice thing to do surely?
You sound completely unreasonable and like you don’t want your son to have a nice time there because you don’t like your MIL. Moaning because she has friends over to her own home and you don’t??
She sounds like a very engaged and active grand parent and your son is luckily to have her in his life

Your literally complaining that she will sit and do crafts with him, that’s time away from screens, great for development and he obviously enjoys it.

raisin a family is a marathon not a sprint, you have no clue what course the track will take or what you will navigate over the next 20 years. You have a grandma your children love, who is highly capable of caring for them, I’d strongly suggest you don’t burn those bridges. Who knows what the future holds.

I honestly cant stand women like you , the children are not just yours they are your husbands aswell which means his family are just as important as yours !

Wow, she sounds amazing - I'll have her if you don't want her 😂

Seriously though, it sounds like a fairly typical (and lovely!) grandparent relationship. They put in the work with their own children and I think it's lovely they get to reap the rewards and just do the lovely bits with their grandchildren (without the oarental responsibility).

Children are brilliant at understanding that different setrings have different rules and routines. For example, my kids understand that they can bum around in their pj's watching TV at home, but not at school! If yours hasn't grasped this yet, it will come, hang in there.

FYI - my MIL literally runs a sweet shop so I lost the sugar battle a long time ago, it's now a running joke that it's great at Grandma's because it's sugar on tap and unlimited screen time whilst she works. They're there about once a week, have a gorgeous relationship with her and doesn't seem to be affecting their health as I'm so on the ball with it the rest of the time. I need, and am very grateful for, the help so it's in my interest to just let these things slide. Her house, her rules!

I was interested in the 'different morals' comment too. In what way? Is she not a good person generally? I wouldn't want my child to spend formative time with someone who was racist/ dropped litter/stepped on insects/shoplifted etc. But I guess her own DS turned out ok if you married him?

Once a week isn’t much at all - that’s how often my MIL comes over, and I feel like I barely see her!

My mum loves all the arts and crafts stuff, which is fine by me. My children quickly learnt that that sort of thing is my mum’s domain. That way I can focus on things I love to do with them like going for walks, reading, and music. If your child is asking for things you don’t want to do, just say no? I don’t understand the issue!

Your MIL sounds great to be honest. I would be annoyed by the sleepover and sweets stuff too, but again that’s easily rectified - again, just say no. Problem solved!

No two people parent a child in the exact same way, even when they are married to each other. A different approach with Grandma is fine. Kids understand these things. She probably does the activities SHE enjoys with him and they may be very different to what you do - it doesn't matter.

As for asking him before you, you need to assert yourself and ask her not to do this. She may not realise she's doing it or that it annoys you. You can just explain calmly when he is out of earshot. So many issues seem to be about lack of clear communication - I'm talking generally here!

It can be annoying having other adults involved with your child- but focus on the overall benefits - to him, to you. We can't change others, we can accept their quirks if they bring value to our lives.

She sounds like a lovely involved granny and you need to appreciate her good points.

I'm a grandma. I have stacks of toys and craft activities at my house. When my DGDs visit we have a ball. And sleepovers are a joy.

I revel in this stage where Grandma's house is somewhere they're excited to visit. It'll be no time at all before they'll want to be on their phones or seeing their friends rather than visiting grandma.

Fortunately my DD and son in law have a positive attitude to all this and also do crafts and stuff with the girls. I don't really get what you're uncomfortable with.

You’re being really unfair. Maybe it’s your anxiety and not wanting people around but for your kids’ sake you might want to get over yourself

Children are brilliant at understanding that different setrings have different rules and routines.

Yep. If anything I'm probably firmer about quite a few things than my DD is. I love it when my eldest GD reminds her parents of Grandma's rules when the whole family is here!

That's standard granny behaviour.......leave the woman alone and appreciate the fact your children have people in their lives who care about them.
You complaining about her sitting with him doing arts and crafts is just ridiculous.......if this is a jealousy/ guilt thing because you no longer have the time now you have another child then get over yourself.

God, who would want to be a MIL?! Here is a present Grandparent who is making an effort with her grandchild and this is the way you are talking about her!

Grannies have been spoiling their grandkids since the begining of time, that's a perk of the job!

I absolutely LOVE that my MIL does crafts with my children as I absolutely hate crafts and the mess so it works for us both that they get to do crafts at grandma’s house. Likewise my mum bakes with my children which I also love as it ticks that box. As for them expecting it at yours - you just explain that’s what they do at Grandmas. When theh go to school they will be aware that they do different things at home to at school?!

she shouldn’t ask your child directly about a sleepover but the rest sounds lovely.

You, or ideally her son, tell her clearly that she must ask you before giving sweets or asking him to stay over. If she doesn't, the answer will always be no.

I think you need to relax about the activities though. You can't really complain that he has too much fun with his grandma. Doing crafts and activities is beneficial to him, concentrate on challenging things that are actual issues.

If you can't/don't want to do the same kinds of things with him at home, explain that that's a Granny's house activity 🤷‍♀️

You said it yourself, you’re too overprotective. Overprotective parents harm their children. Get help for your anxiety and don’t let it ruin their lives.

@FortyandFemale how are her morals different from yours?

She sounds amazing. You are lucky to have her.

I don’t think she means ‘morals’ I think OP may be from a different educational background and ‘class’… if Grandma was a teacher. OP feels threatened by it and doesn’t understand this is ‘normal’ behaviour from someone of Grandma’s background and upbringing. I’m trying to be polite here.

Exactly how my mum is with the DC. They’re 5 and 2 but they know it’s very much only at my mum’s house they have that much freedom. They’re know not to expect it at home.

I agree she shouldn't ask your son if he wants to sleep over or give him sweets if she's not cleared it with you first. But I don't think the rest is untoward. Children can learn that different rules apply in different contexts.

I think many 4yos will want you to play with them, especially when a new sibling has arrived

Are you currently on maternity leave so around more than usual

Sweets and asking for sleepovers directly are things I would be working on (or getting your partner to work on). Where are they in this scenario?

How much are your parents involved?

Your MIL sounds great. How nice for your son to have a gran who wants to see him regularly and do fun activities with him. Relationships with extended family can do so, so much good for a child's wellbeing and development.

Yes @FortyandFemale can you elaborate on MILS dodgy morals?