Am I being silly to feel hurt by my SIL

[Overthinkeratalltimes]

For context I have 3 sisters in law, and I’m married to their younger brother. 2 live in Australia and 1 in the UK.

My MIL has a big birthday this year and to celebrate she wanted all the family to go on a big holiday together in Scotland. While we’re there one of my SILs happens to have a special birthday coming up too. So my parents in law messaged my husband and other SILs to ask that they organise something for her and they would provide a £500 budget to cover costs.

Cue to my husband and his sisters trying to organise it. He came up with loads of ideas that he thought his sister would enjoy and that everyone could be a part of. However his sisters, as they tend to do, said no to each thing. They’ve stated they think it should be siblings only but that the morning they’ve planned females only spa day and then lunch at a restaurant still females only.

my husband is fine not with going to the spa day, but both him and I were upset when he was told that they’ve booked the spa day and lunch only for my MIL and all the sisters. I’m not invited and I’m the only female left.

i kind of understand that perhaps they want it to be a family only. But I was sad because I’ve been part of their family for over 10 years and we get on well. Also we’re all on holiday together so I have to be with them and act normal the rest of the holiday. For that part of the day, it means it will be me and all their spouses looking after all the children at soft play.

do you think I should say something or am I overreacting to this?

You're overreacting, especially as they live on the other side of the world and don't get to catch up much. You're there for the rest of the time, just let them have their spa morning.

That is so mean. What an insensitive group they are. I’m so sorry you’re going to have to put up with this $hit.

Id be rethinking my relationship with them.

Tbh this wouldn't bother me at all.

I’d be hurt. You are family and have been for many years. This is nasty.

Although having to spend the day at soft play WOULD.

I think it’s very unkind. I can’t imagine doing such a thing. I’m so sorry, it’s not nice.

Bloody hell how rude of them! Do not look after anyone’s kids at soft play! You and dh arrange that day out somewhere totally different, perhaps an activity you both like, and don’t rush back either, make a whole day of it and go out for a nice dinner too.

Don't go on the holiday at all. You aren't their default baby sitter.

I think I’d be more upset that they’ve planned something that excludes your husband (who is part of the family), than that you aren’t invited. It sounds like all the other spouses (their partners) are being left out, so that’s fine, but why have they gone girls only and excluded their brother. IMO that’s where it gets unpleasant.

They’re rude! Very rude!

So they’re excluding their brother from the birthday things, too? That the parents have provided a £500 contribution towards?

Yep, that sounds bonkers and ill-mannered.

I wouldn’t be very impressed at all if I had been left out like this and even more annoyed at being left in charge of kids at soft play. I have sisters that I love but I wouldn’t dream of leaving out my sister in law in this situation.

Definitely don’t end up looking after all the kids at soft play (unless they are just yours?)! Plan something nice to do for yourself and let them sort out their own childcare!

Do you have siblings OP?

@Anxioustealady yes I have 3 siblings as well.
I’m from a family that has been brought up in a way that we’re inclusive all the time. We do still do female only and male only things from time to time, but the invites always include SILs and BILs respectively.

it’s maybe why I’m struggling to relate

I'd be rethinking the holiday tbh. Why waste your time where you're not wanted?

I'd probably stay home. What is the point in going?

Get dh to text his mum “Spa sounds fun but clearly you weren’t planning to me when you chose that amongst yourselves! I think I’ll use my share of the £500 to take dw and the kids out for lunch. Dw will have earned it after roughing it at the soft play with the dads and the kids!”

I don't think I'd be bothered, tbh. I can see that they are probably wanting Mum and her DDs to catch up, particularly as 2 are in Australia.

That said, I'm not default childcare. I'd take myself off for the day and have a wander round a castle/bookshop/sit and have a nice lunch to myself if you are up in Scotland on holiday. There are lots of places to go if you are in the central belt. I'd happily leave the blokes babysitting and have a free day!

I don't think I'd say anything, you've got to face a holiday with them and it's not worth making it anymore awkward. Your DH should have said something as soon as he heard about it really, it didn't need to be confrontational just "you seem to have forgotten about my wife, I'm sure you didn't mean to leave out one of the women in the family".
I can completely understand why you're hurt, it's not silly at all.

All my siblings are the same sex so I can't really relate. I can understand why they want to spend time just them without their husbands, especially as they live so far apart.

I think they are a bit mean leaving their brother out though, men can enjoy spas.

I really wouldn't take it personally, it's about them wanting time together just them, not about you.

I wouldn’t mind - it’ll be nice for them, mum & her girls, very special. A DIL isn’t the same and I would think it was a snub. The only person who I think might feel a bit sad is your dh.

It’s not personal - imo you shouldn’t say anything that might take the shine off the day for them. They must have incredibly few chances to have just them - and your MIL may feel like there won’t be many more chances.

Very upsetting id be rethinking my place in the family You say you get on but clearly the others do not feel the same way

what does mil think about the arrangements?

@pimplebum my MIL doesn’t know the plans yet.

but I get on very well with my MIL - she confides in me the problems of my SILs and we regularly go out just the two of us so I doubt she would mind me there.