Am I being silly to feel hurt by my SIL

[Overthinkeratalltimes]

For context I have 3 sisters in law, and I’m married to their younger brother. 2 live in Australia and 1 in the UK.

My MIL has a big birthday this year and to celebrate she wanted all the family to go on a big holiday together in Scotland. While we’re there one of my SILs happens to have a special birthday coming up too. So my parents in law messaged my husband and other SILs to ask that they organise something for her and they would provide a £500 budget to cover costs.

Cue to my husband and his sisters trying to organise it. He came up with loads of ideas that he thought his sister would enjoy and that everyone could be a part of. However his sisters, as they tend to do, said no to each thing. They’ve stated they think it should be siblings only but that the morning they’ve planned females only spa day and then lunch at a restaurant still females only.

my husband is fine not with going to the spa day, but both him and I were upset when he was told that they’ve booked the spa day and lunch only for my MIL and all the sisters. I’m not invited and I’m the only female left.

i kind of understand that perhaps they want it to be a family only. But I was sad because I’ve been part of their family for over 10 years and we get on well. Also we’re all on holiday together so I have to be with them and act normal the rest of the holiday. For that part of the day, it means it will be me and all their spouses looking after all the children at soft play.

do you think I should say something or am I overreacting to this?

They’re dicks

Your OH is upset about not being included in the lunch so I think it would be best for him to say that he‘s using the Mother and Daughters Spa Day as an opportunity to take his own family out for the day. He doesn’t need to say he‘s hurt or offended.

Just you and dh do your own thing..spell out you aren't on holiday to provide free childcare.. cheeky fuckers

You've dodged a bullet - you really don't want to spend a day with these women!
I feel for your dh though - he's a sibling and should be at the lunch - I suspect your mil is not going to be happy that these selfish bitches have excluded one of her kids! Make sure that you drop into conversation with mil that dh's ideas were all rejected and that he would have loved to be included!

It really is of no consequence that the sil's want when it comes to what you and Dh and your kids do on that day. If you gave and go yo soft play, you might as well have 'doormat' tattoed on your forehead. You and Dh need to find your voices and do what suits you. Their husbands are more than capable of watching their own kids!

I think I would be hurt too.

Dont go to the soft play. Totally agree to go out for the day as a nuclear family. Lessons learned here. They will need you yet..

It is mean that they have excluded you OP- but you are a SIL to them and not a DSis - so unfortunately they are going to treat you differently (and I know how much that hurts). You absolutely do not need to provide them with childcare for their outing though. Your family unit has been treated differently to the others as yours if the only one where a parent is not going on the spa day, so I think you would be within your right to say that you will be spending the day as a family on an outing and you will catch up during the evening meal. No one can think that is unreasonable (and there will be 3 other adults to look after the other kids), and if they do it shows that they just want you to look after their kids whilst they are in a spa.

There's nothing you can do about it. But they are bloody awful. Take yourself of for the day. Be noticeably back later than them so they realise. Hopefully your central and can go round shops or if you dont kids, go to a couple of cocktail bars with hubby. Noway would I be just sat there waiting on them coming back. As you're the only Dil, its shocking leaving you out.

@Overthinkeratalltimes
Didn't know you'd applied for the post of a personal nanny!
They quite simply are horrible women who like to "gang up" whenever they can under the guise of loving sisters
Refuse the kiddy gig
If it were me
I honestly wouldn't go at all to be ignored like that
And if asked
Let it be known why
Getting the feeling that MIL isn't always in the know as much as she thinks

Can you and dh head off for the day and do something nice? Why do ye have to stick around?

Well I would ignore that and go out as a 4 that day, enjoy the day. Book up a special treat for thw four of you.

Surely excluding and then dictating what you do doesn't sit right?!

I think it’s quite mean and thoughtless actually. It’s one thing if they openly told you they just wanted blood family. That would have felt shit but at least they were honest. This feels worse.

you are not over reacting how rude! Bet they want you for childcare ... make a point of not going to the soft play book yourself somewhere nice

If they'd come to you with a viable explanation for excluding you I'd say let it go but they haven't so all you can do is assume the decision is mean spirited.

I'd make sure MIL knows you were never invited and book yourself something else to do that day. Otherwise you'll likely get stuck with all of the kids because, well, men!

A spot of shopping, lunch and a mani/pedi would work for me.

My DH prefers to take the kids on outings rather than to soft play but was made to feel bad by his sisters when he said that, because they want the cousins who are long distance to spend all their time doing activities together.

They're used to getting their own way, huh?

I wouldn't be too worked up about this. Let the SIL's spouses look after the S/BIL's children during the spa day and you and DH go and do something nice with your children during that time. If this is more than one day holiday the cousins will get more opportunities to do activities & frankly I'm not sure I could have sold - soft play with your cousins from the far side of the world to my DC. Let them do as they please , but I think asking you and Dh to help look after their children is not something you should feel guilty for declining.

How incredibly thoughtless of them. For a number of reasons- firstly as they have excluded their brother from the plans, despite their mother giving a sum of money for them all to celebrate together, secondly because you’ll all be on holiday together and it will feel very obvious that you’ve been left out, and thirdly because they should be far more magnanimous and invite you too. I’ve done a couple of things over the years with DP’s family that have been ‘girls’ events - it’s always his aunts, mum, sister, and they of course invite me too! I would be hurt in your position and absolutely reconsider going.

Going to spas is not my thing so I'd be relieved to not have to go but it's pretty excluding behaviour towards their brother.

Is he the scapegoat of the family? Toxic families often have a golden child, a useful child, and a scapegoat child. These are roles that are assigned by the parents and/or older siblings, and they are toxic.

Families with such patterns don't play fair. They prioritise certain members and treat others poorly with a lot of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). They're also often enmeshed, gossip, and full of drama.

It's best to keep them at arms length to avoid their rubbishy behaviour.

I had an IL family just like this, and don't regret withdrawing myself from them. Later the kids and h did the same, after they were the subject of similar excluding behaviour. Life got a lot simpler after that.

You don't get on as well as you think you do, if this is how they treat you after 10 years.

Their behaviour is telling you, all you need to know about how they feel about you.

Yes it's a bit mean. Why don't you, DH and your children go on a day out together and leave the rest of them to it.

I'll be interested in hearing their parents reaction to the sisters organizing a girl's only celebration with the money they provided.

She does though. And it sound like her MIL does too.

I’d be more upset for your DH who is an actual sibling but not included. I imagine your MIL thought that £500 would provide for a nice birthday lunch or fancy picnic somewhere scenic which would have been perfect and entirely inclusive. Instead, she is spending a whole half a day of precious family time away from the grandkids she rarely gets to see. I can’t imagine she’ll be thrilled by this plan.

In your shoes I’d be very clear about not babysitting. Since you have the morning clear you’ve the opportunity to do something different. The only problem is that you’re going to have to find a way to stay up to them - and that sounds like it’s going to be tricky.

I think the "cousins...... doing activities together" is more about @Overthinkeratalltimes providing the free childcare.

The soft play/ baby sitting is rude and I'd say no to that (why aren't the BIL watching their own kids?!?). The spa I can kind of understand, if the rest of the trip is all as one big group, perhaps they want to protect a little bit of time where it's just them and their mum? Maybe there is something they want to talk about that's v personal to one of them?