Am I being silly to feel hurt by my SIL

[Overthinkeratalltimes]

For context I have 3 sisters in law, and I’m married to their younger brother. 2 live in Australia and 1 in the UK.

My MIL has a big birthday this year and to celebrate she wanted all the family to go on a big holiday together in Scotland. While we’re there one of my SILs happens to have a special birthday coming up too. So my parents in law messaged my husband and other SILs to ask that they organise something for her and they would provide a £500 budget to cover costs.

Cue to my husband and his sisters trying to organise it. He came up with loads of ideas that he thought his sister would enjoy and that everyone could be a part of. However his sisters, as they tend to do, said no to each thing. They’ve stated they think it should be siblings only but that the morning they’ve planned females only spa day and then lunch at a restaurant still females only.

my husband is fine not with going to the spa day, but both him and I were upset when he was told that they’ve booked the spa day and lunch only for my MIL and all the sisters. I’m not invited and I’m the only female left.

i kind of understand that perhaps they want it to be a family only. But I was sad because I’ve been part of their family for over 10 years and we get on well. Also we’re all on holiday together so I have to be with them and act normal the rest of the holiday. For that part of the day, it means it will be me and all their spouses looking after all the children at soft play.

do you think I should say something or am I overreacting to this?

Totally agree! The sibling bond is unique, I really think it’s fine for them to take a bit of time out of the holiday for this. The only person who might reasonably feel sad is the dh, who is the excluded sibling. I’m fond of my in laws but spending time with ‘just us’ (ie siblings and parents) is so very rare and special that when it happens it’s a chance to reminisce and get nostalgic. It’s perfectly reasonable for sisters to be closer to each other than they are to their in-laws - don’t begrudge them this, even if it is a bit tactless.

That’s so mean

I wouldn't be offended but I wouldn't be looking after kids either. If it's women's day off, I'd be booking myself a separate activity, not unpaid babysitting. Although it also depends on my general relationship with them. If they are generally nice and all, I wouldn't begrudge them a siblings day.

I think it’s really unkind of them tbh and I would be hurt in your situation too

I'd roll my eyes at this because the sisters sound like hard work, rejecting all the inclusive ideas and insisting on certain things being "family only" or "women only" on a holiday that everyone's still expected to go on. The massive family holiday sounds like a nightmare to me so I'd be looking for an excuse not to go, frankly. Work, deadlines, you know how it is.

I wouldn't feel hurt though. You can't make people want to include you. You get on with them but you don't actually know them that well - understandable given that they live abroad. I'd be hurt if someone I thought was a really close friend excluded me but being married to their brother doesn't automatically confer that sort of closeness. (This would also mean I'd feel zero guilt about pulling out of the holiday.)

I have 3 sons all with 2 children and married to lovely girls. One living abroad. We would never exclude any of them. We consider ourselves one big family as they all do.
I think it was really thoughtless of them to exclude you.

I think that’s a dick move and I’d be absolutely buggered if I let them dictate what I did with my own children in their absence! Absolutely not…

Extremely over dramatic reaction.

No, just recognising your own worth, and recalibrating a relationship or two in response to events

"Extreme" would be going NC. "Drama" would be causing an argument. Not sending a birthday card is really not very extreme of dramatic at all

So their brother is not invited either? Why is your mil going along with this as she’s the one paying

I agree with this. Its really rude to exclude you and I think it definitely means you and your little family are free to spend that day doing something just for yourselves. This isn’t like a wedding invitation to a work friend where you are lucky to get invited to the evening. This os being invited as family to attend a multi day event and then being relegated to the role of outsider.

Another who thinks it is a selfish decision and very divisive. You should organise something with your husband and children for that day. The respective partners can be responsible for their own children. The sisters should not be organising something for the female members of the group and deliberately excluding one.

Whatever happens now with the spa day there is no going back. They have already made their position clear and you would feel uncomfortable tagging along knowing their thinking.
There is a name for their behaviour in Irish 'mé féiner' but I cannot think of any equivalent on English. It means someone who only thinks of themselves, their own agenda and feck everyone else.

The spouses can manage the soft play. You and your DH do a day out somewhere else that you would like to do.
They really shouldn't have booted both of you out.
Is there a birthday dinner planned for everyone for the evening?

I think it’s more hurtful to your husband that he was excluded than you, he’s the only sibling left out.

Having said that, if that’s how the others want to spend their time, you don’t really get a say. Just like they don’t get a say in what you do with your day. Take DH and your kids and go out and have a great time - the cousins will have plenty of time on the holiday to connect. It sounds like SILs want to use you as the default woman caretaker - do not let them assign you that role.

I wouldn't care about not being on the spa day with them - they sound awful,
BUT I wouldn't be free childcare for their kids whilst they excluded me. I would plan a day with my husband and let the kids actual dads look after them

And you’re not wrong about that. This is unacceptable. It will stand out as being very obvious and humiliating. Your dh should definitely not be ok with this.

For that part of the day, it means it will be me and all their spouses looking after all the children at soft play.

You and your husband should plan something to do together (and your kids if you have any) on the spa/lunch day. Don’t look after their children!!

That’s rubbish of them, leave the husbands to mind the children and do something nice for yourself.

I can sort of understand why they want just their blood relatives, but I also very much understand why it hurts.

It’s just the way it is. Forgive but do not forget, because this is how they think of you.

Agreed. This wouldn't bother me at all, but I'd be very sad for him!

Hi op that’s shitty behaviour but it’s done now let them have their family day together then you are your dh and kids do your own thing they can’t have it both ways it’s your holiday as well. Fuck them being so mean.

I don’t think I’d want to go to a spa day with the three sisters if they couldn’t be arsed to invite me.

I would be taking my kids out of the day with my DH. Fuck the soft play, they don’t get to remove themselves from the itinerary to do secret things they haven’t invited anyone else on AND decide what everyone else is doing! Just say no.

I think mother daughter time is fine. Expecting you to watch their kids at soft play is not, you’re not the baby sitter for their nice days out.

They might prefer that OP but as they are buggering off to a spa day and not including you then they don’t get to have a say. You and your DH and your kids can do what you like. If they don’t like it then they shouldn’t have been so nasty. If they raise it again your DHs response is ‘that’s nice but it doesn’t work for us and as you’ve not included X on the spa day we’re taking a family day to ourselves thanks’. I really hate stuff like this. So you’d be the only woman with 6 kids?! What are their husbands like when it comes to looking after their own kids or are you just expected to be the unpaid nanny? If you do get on really well with your MiL I’d tell her your hurt. That’s just really nasty

My DB’s fabulous and lovely wife would be the SIL in this scenario. Like hell would me, my sister and mum go off for a spa day and leave her out, to look after the DCs. She’s not the bloody nanny. She’s a valued member of the family and more importantly puts up with my equally lovely brother. She’s a gem and we adore her.

They’ve made their point, you can make yours.