Am I being silly to feel hurt by my SIL

[Overthinkeratalltimes]

For context I have 3 sisters in law, and I’m married to their younger brother. 2 live in Australia and 1 in the UK.

My MIL has a big birthday this year and to celebrate she wanted all the family to go on a big holiday together in Scotland. While we’re there one of my SILs happens to have a special birthday coming up too. So my parents in law messaged my husband and other SILs to ask that they organise something for her and they would provide a £500 budget to cover costs.

Cue to my husband and his sisters trying to organise it. He came up with loads of ideas that he thought his sister would enjoy and that everyone could be a part of. However his sisters, as they tend to do, said no to each thing. They’ve stated they think it should be siblings only but that the morning they’ve planned females only spa day and then lunch at a restaurant still females only.

my husband is fine not with going to the spa day, but both him and I were upset when he was told that they’ve booked the spa day and lunch only for my MIL and all the sisters. I’m not invited and I’m the only female left.

i kind of understand that perhaps they want it to be a family only. But I was sad because I’ve been part of their family for over 10 years and we get on well. Also we’re all on holiday together so I have to be with them and act normal the rest of the holiday. For that part of the day, it means it will be me and all their spouses looking after all the children at soft play.

do you think I should say something or am I overreacting to this?

That’s so mean of them!! Neither dhs or my family would ever ever do this. Your dh should either take the kids and book you something or say no way you’re all horrible to do this while we’re all in holiday and exclude my wife as the only other woman, we are going out for the day and you can look after your own children. I don’t owe anyone an amazing birthday while they are being mean to my wife.

And ‘but we want the cousins to hang around’ gets a ‘maybe when you’re not being so bitchy to my wife with your massive neon fucking banner that she doesn’t belong in the family it would be nice for the cousins to hang out but not while you are. We won’t be at the soft play helping your husbands look after your children.’

This is very mean spirited.
You sound lovely so I know you will get on with the holiday and hold no grudges.

I think your MIL will be sad at your exclusion. If I were her, I would want to swap with you.

As for what the rest of the family does while they are soaking, your DH needs to think up something better than soft play. Hope you all enjoy water slides or a zoo and I hope your DH tells his sisters how mean they are.

I'd be pissed off at not being included in the 500 quid spend if I were DH.
He should ask for a portion of it for a pub lunch. Works out at 100 quid per sibling and MIL. He should ask for his 100 so he can go get a massage and a pint or something

I wouldn’t say a thing, but also I wouldn’t invest emotionally in them anymore either.

They can explain to MIL and their sister why you and your husband have been excluded. Make it very clear it was their choice and they booked it.

Definitely go and do something you want for the day as a family. They can moan and bitch and “want” all they want. Tough titties. They made their own plans , you’re making your own plans.

The BIL will be watching their own kids at soft play. That’s what it says in the OP.

i think it’s perfectly sensible for the OP and her husband to take their own kids out for the day seeing as they aren’t invited to the spa or lunch. If I was the DH, I’d tell my parents you were doing that and that the sisters had excluded both of you from the birthday plans.

This.

Sounds to me like they want a female there to babysit their kids, because they don't trust the Dads.

I agree with this. I also think that you should have a nice day out yourself, rather than go to soft play. Leave the men to it & treat yourself.

Sorry though as it’s not nice how they’re treating you.

I’d kill to go on a weekend away with my mum and sister and reminisce about childhood stuff etc so I kind of get it but also get it must sting, but I do think family should get a chance to have fun together without having to explain to another person that there was a time when x, y or z happened or we had this aunty Mary etc etc.

Book yourself into the spa and sit and read your book while giving them daggers?

Do not go to soft play!

They can’t make you go to soft play-just don’t go.

I’d get your husband to speak to your father in law about the plans and what you will be doing that day instead

Will father in law be at soft play with the dads and rest of the grandchildren?? Presume he’s not invited to the spa!

You're overreacting, and being totally unreasonable setting up two threads, without cross-referencing them yourself.

Your DH would be justified in feeling left out, as the only sibling not invited.

But, on the other hand, you & he see his mother regularly. Two of his sisters don't - they live half a world away. Let them spend some time with their mother, FFS.

i kind of understand that perhaps they want it to be a family only. But I was sad because I’ve been part of their family for over 10 years and we get on well.

So if you feel part of the family, @Overthinkeratalltimes , you should have some empathy for the sisters' desire to get together with their mother, as two of them live 12,000 miles away.

If you really were as close to them all as you say, you'd be PLEASED for them to have this opportunity to have some relaxed time.

Instead, you're only thinking of yourself. And you're not really even thinking about your DH, who is being left out of a sibling get together.

I think your DH is being totally excluded (and shafted) by his sister's and that your "exclusion" from the spa and lunch sits secondary to that.
In my mind, it would not be an improvement for him to still be excluded and you to be invited along. Either it should be all the immediate family, or all the adults, or everyone on the holiday.
I think you feeling left out is centring yourself.
Has he had a lifetime of being left on the sidelines?

OP, I get it. I have spent the last 3 decades with a MIL who has told me to my face that I am not blood, not family and a SIL who relishes in and laughs along at her comments.

In my 20's I was confused why they treated me like that. I tried hard to get them to see what a great person I am.
In my 30's I kept the peace for the sake of my DH and DC, their only DGC
In my 40's I distanced myself and dropped the rope resulting in seeing very little of them. This upset and annoyed them and now they hate me even more!
Now in my 50's, when I see them on our LC relationship, I challenge every comment, every snide look, any disrespectful action and my attitude is "bring it on, you will get it back with shovel loads".

Yes, of course they are entitled to see their mum on their own on a spa day etc. etc. However, would you treat your SIL like that? No you wouldn't. We do not treat my brother's wives like that. No way!

When the crunch came, they showed you that you are not really family, you are OK, but you are not blood, just someone who their DB is married to. You are dispensable. The question is what do you do with this information?

The nuclear option is to go NC, screw them, totally drop the rope. Or, set yourself up with decades of heartache being made to feel like the bottom rung on their family ladder.

As a happy medium I suggest an assertive compromise where you say, "Have a great family time at the Spa. We are on holiday too, so we won't be spending our holiday time babysitting and at a soft play. We can do that anytime. We are going to XXX castle/ climb this Monroe/ see some Highland Games with our DC. Enjoy!" The bit that gets me the most in your thread is your SIL's saying they want the cousins to play together as they are family. Who the hell are they to dictate terms when they are off at a spa and excluding people.

I used to do this with my MIL/SIL. I cannot control what they do, or how they treat me, but I can control my reaction to it. So my answer would be that they may be able to exclude me, but they don't get to control my time whilst they are doing it. I am not waiting around waiting for them to throw me a fish.

Also, you have a DH problem. My DH's family has massive politics in it, and my MIL and SIL play games with people. I refuse to entertain them, or be a walk on part in it. I have my own thread about Christmas and how my MIL plays Christmas chicken with my DH and I. This year I am just not inviting them.

I suggest you take a couple of steps back from your in-laws. If you are not family enough to be included in a girls day out, on holiday, you are not family enough to host Christmas in your house/ pick out nice presents for your DH's family/ babysit their kids/ go out of your way for any of them.

Let your DH do it all from now on and in the meantime grow a pair of balls.