Am I being silly to feel hurt by my SIL

[Overthinkeratalltimes]

For context I have 3 sisters in law, and I’m married to their younger brother. 2 live in Australia and 1 in the UK.

My MIL has a big birthday this year and to celebrate she wanted all the family to go on a big holiday together in Scotland. While we’re there one of my SILs happens to have a special birthday coming up too. So my parents in law messaged my husband and other SILs to ask that they organise something for her and they would provide a £500 budget to cover costs.

Cue to my husband and his sisters trying to organise it. He came up with loads of ideas that he thought his sister would enjoy and that everyone could be a part of. However his sisters, as they tend to do, said no to each thing. They’ve stated they think it should be siblings only but that the morning they’ve planned females only spa day and then lunch at a restaurant still females only.

my husband is fine not with going to the spa day, but both him and I were upset when he was told that they’ve booked the spa day and lunch only for my MIL and all the sisters. I’m not invited and I’m the only female left.

i kind of understand that perhaps they want it to be a family only. But I was sad because I’ve been part of their family for over 10 years and we get on well. Also we’re all on holiday together so I have to be with them and act normal the rest of the holiday. For that part of the day, it means it will be me and all their spouses looking after all the children at soft play.

do you think I should say something or am I overreacting to this?

So over the top! No need for drama, of course she doesn’t need to rethink her place in the family - just realise that the sister bond is stronger than the SIL bond - just a fact. Why shouldn’t they have some mum and sisters time?

@Sandytoesies my MIL and FIL go out to Australia every year and live with my SIL for 3 months and the two sisters out there live down the road from each other so they see each other then.

also just to clarify, my MIL wanted her main day to be everyone including grandkids so we’ve got a separate event day on the holiday for her. This post is about a surprise day for my SIL to celebrate her.

Maybe don’t go on the family holiday. Or, if you do decide to go, book yourself a spa day while they’re all off doing their own thing, or find another activity for you and DH to enjoy together. Alternatively, spend the time doing something special with just your children as a family. My in-laws are the same—I’m technically part of the family, but I don’t belong. Sometimes it’s better to make your own plans and memories rather than waiting to be included.

What I mean is that you can choose how you feel to an extent. You can feel a bit sad, feel sad for you dh and grumble to each other but think - all the sisters & mum are rarely together, it’ll be nice for them, put on a smile and crack on with the hol OR take offence, let them know and risk permanently damaging the relationship and spoiling the holiday. Personally I think you’d be better to suck it up.

I think that is really poor of them to leave you out. I mean what’s the reason for that? Definitely do not do childcare for them.

Sorry if this has been clarified upthread, but are any of the children yours? If not, that day is for you and DH to take yourselves off for a lovely time somewhere! Leave the dads supervising their own children!

Don’t go. Well weird IMO. Normal to arrange stuff with immediate family but not while you’re all on holiday together, stay at home.

I can see both sides, but really they are spending one single morning together as siblings & their mum on a longer trip where you’re part of every other bit so I think you’re blowing it out of proportion.

I can sort of see both sides. If this is an isolated incident perhaps give them the benefit of the doubt this time. You will feel better about it if you can.

This is horrible.
At best, they have been thoughtless and at worst, deliberately mean.
im assuming both DH and FIL are excluded from the spa day and lunch too but at least that’s both of them. Being the only female excluded feels hurtful. I understand their reasoning -female, nuclear family-but it’s tone deaf and insensitive.
how is the relationship otherwise? Does it feel circumstantial or malicious?
At least you know exactly where you fit within the family. And did babysitting the kids.
I agree with posters suggesting you take your little family out of the day x

Absolutely this! I understand why you feel hurt, and you absolutely must not do the childcare. Do you have children? Even if you do, have a family day out together not the soft play with the ones that need babysat (nb they do not need babysat anyway as they will still be with one of their parents).

You're not overreacting. You are right to be hurt that, after 10 years, they don't regard you as part of their female tribe.

So now you know.

Pull back. DH does all the birthdays, Christmas presents, social contact and arrangements from now on.

If you get on that well with MIL, tell her how hurt/upset/miffed you are to be excluded and see how she reacts.

It is really bad behaviour on their part.

She bloody does need to rethink her place.

They are signalling - you're not family.

Good to know when MIL needs lifts to hospital when she gets old.

Younare struggling to relate because the female tribe here are exckuding you.

A thought experiment - if you were to announce that you'll be skipping soft-play duties to go and do something on your own.... I wonder whether the lovely SILs actually trust the blokes to handle the kids without you there.

Thanks everyone, just to confirm for those who asked, yes, I have 2 children and there will be 6 in total on the holiday.

my DH prefers to take the kids on outings rather than to soft play but was made to feel bad by his sisters when he said that, because they want the cousins who are long distance to spend all their time doing activities together.

I think it’s extremely insensitive of them. Hope you’re ok.

Oh, that is rich!

The long-distance cousins are to spend time together. But not the womenfolk.

Well they don’t get to decide this.

They have made their plans and excluded you and your husband, so this is the perfect day for you to do something you and your children will enjoy, as a nuclear family. You definitely don’t need to be default woman figure for all 6 children at the hell that is soft play.

They can decide how they spend their time, and SIL can choose who she spends her birthday with - and I can see the logic in mum and her daughters, in many ways - but they don’t get to decide what you do in their absence. They can’t have it all ways.

I honestly think it's ok for three sisters who live far apart to have a spa morning together.

The unkind bit is not inviting their younger brother to the lunch. How big is the age gap - is he not really one of their peers?

That's really mean - not just leaving you out, but using you for childcare while they go and enjoy themselves.

This!

It's rude to the brother because he should be celebrating with his parents, but as his wife, you're part of the family too, so yes, everyone should be doing stuff together. If the sisters want just them on a spa day, they shouldn't be calling that a family birthday, when you and your husband have to pay a fortune in travel and be unpaid babysitters!

I may be in the minority but I don’t consider my ILs my family and would have no issue with their having a family only spa morning. It’s not like it’s a big party and you’re the only one not invited.

It’s 2 subsections of a group - female, and family of origin. It’s not personal, any more than it’s personal when you catch up with your work friends and don’t invite your mum friends.

You can take your kids somewhere other than the soft play though - you’re not obliged to be with the wider group then!

They're mean.

There is also no way I would be wasting a day of holiday in Scotland sitting in a soft play centre!

I'd be focusing on her son being left out, personally. I wouldn't have a problem with spouses not attending, but planning a day that their brother can't be part of, is mean.

Why have you made this OP about yourself, rather than him?