Would these changes in my husband make others feel suspicious too?

[Saddaughter999]

Am I being paranoid, or does this sound like something is going on?
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two children (8 and 3).
Like most couples, we've had our ups and downs, but I'd have described our marriage as fairly stable until last winter.
He started working closely with a woman on his team, and almost immediately he was mentioning her constantly after work. I jokingly referred to her as his "work wife" and assumed it was just because she was new and they'd become friends.
Then in January he suddenly decided to start going to the gym every morning before work. This was completely out of character because he's never been interested in the gym before, but I thought maybe he'd just decided to get fitter.
In March my whole world fell apart. I developed health problems, my father died unexpectedly abroad, and there was a huge amount of family drama afterwards. I was completely consumed by everything that was happening and honestly wasn't paying much attention to anything else.
Looking back now, I've started noticing things that make me uncomfortable.
Around the middle of June I thought his perfume smelled different. I have ongoing nose and throat problems, so I wasn't sure if I was imagining it.
At the beginning of July I discovered he'd secretly started smoking. He admitted it when I asked and now smokes openly at home.
What's strange is that he's also gone from constantly talking positively about this female colleague to suddenly saying only negative things about her, which almost feels forced.
Over the last couple of weeks I've noticed other changes too. He keeps going upstairs for no obvious reason. He's become very protective of his phone. One day I walked into the kitchen without him hearing me and when he realised I was there, his hands actually shook as if I'd caught him doing something.
Yesterday he randomly announced, "I'm not going to the gym tomorrow." I hadn't asked, so I replied, "Why are you telling me? It doesn't affect me." It just felt like a strange thing to say out of nowhere.
He then spent the whole evening on his phone playing games and barely spoke to me.
Our sex life has changed as well. He used to have a very high sex drive, but now he often struggles to get or maintain an erection, and sex takes much longer than it used to.
Individually, I know none of these things prove anything. Together, though, they have left me wondering whether I'm missing something.
Does this sound like normal midlife changes and I'm reading too much into it, or would these changes make you suspicious too?

Thought so.
Any signs that his gym gear and towel are ever used by the time he returns home from “the gym/OW flat’ and work ?

If he is nervous you could bluff him. Sit him down and tell him you are giving him once chance to come clean and if he doesn’t take it then the trust is gone. Then ask if he has anything he wants to tell you. Just wait it out. Don’t try and cover for the uncomfortable silences or redirection. Sounds like he’s close to breaking anyway so probably will be relived to get it off his conscience.

As that would be illegal, if he found out he could use that against her

Well, if he’s not having an affair, then that’s his plug. It’s usually one or the other. The smoking, the secrecy about his phone.

Is his industry prone to drug use?

Yes you could call his bluff. Say you have had a phone call and this is his one chance. Say ‘you damn well know what I am talking about - tell me when you are ready to talk’ and walk away if he starts saying ‘who, what, when’ . But this depends on your ability to stay calm and not crack first. If you crack first he will know you are onto him and lie better going forward.

But ultimately cheats are liars and cheats lie a lot about so many things. And sadly they lie so much they end up believing their own lies. The first person we lie to is ourself.

Kalms won't work, he is a tall, 110kg guy 😁🤣you made me smile, unfortunately this is not an option

I don't think he's on drugs.

Do you have a friend who could look her up on social media or Linkedin?

You know you know.

I guess you'll drive yourself crazy wanting confirmation and proof. You'll probably find it eventually and he'll deny it. Or you won't find it and he'll deny it. Either way you are looking for evidence to prove what you already know, and why?

You could get to the same endpoint sooner by just telling him you know and see what he says. If he tries to dig in just say it's a secret and your sources are sworn to secrecy.

The main thing is where do you go from there? If you have your evidence does that change anything? My guess is it probably won't because you'll need to save money and sort work etc to work out how to separate.

So maybe just move straight to planning to separate. Check out of the relationship and stop driving yourself mad looking for proof. Focus on saving up or doing what you need to do to leave. Keep your dignity.

BTW on the phone thing usually if you do wrong fingerprint or face a bunch of times it defaults to a passcode no? And that should be easy enough to guess.

What's going on here? Drug him with kalms? Get into his phone? OP, you don't trust him. That's enough information for you to make your decision .

Yep, 100% an affair. I went through similar with my ExH, he started leaving for work at 6am and returning later and later. Also suddenly started taking the dog out for walks late at night. I had a gut feeling something was going on. He became nasty and aggressive towards me, and I kept thinking "what if I'm wrong". Wish I had listened to my gut feeling. Very nearly destroyed me at the time. 5 years on I'm much happier, focussed on self improvement and rebuilt a life much better than he ever could have imagined.

Then it’s an affair, OP. Sorry you’re going through this.

I’d try to make peace with the fact that his behaviour is showing you what he thinks of you, and start acting accordingly to give yourself the best outcome for when you are ready to leave. Forcing his hand now won’t benefit you, your kids or your stepsister. He doesn’t sound that smart, so start outmanoeuvring him to your advantage. If he thinks you are blissfully unaware, he won’t be panicked into shafting you.

And as to that, if you plan to move back to your home country eventually, how would that work if he remains here, would he be ok with them going? What would you do if your sister’s grandmother died in the near future? That’s what you need to be focusing on now, getting strategies in place for what you want for your next phase of life. You sound young, kind and intelligent, you can, and will, have a fulfilling life without him.

Best of luck OP

This is what I was thinking. Private time to chat away from the family home but near enough to not raise suspicion.

My friend worked out her DH was cheating when he suddenly started walking the dog every evening. He’d never shown any interest in the dog or walking beforehand. He was having smoochy chats on his phone with the OW.

Stop trying to break into his phone and ask him if you can view it.

If I was worried about what my husband was doing on his phone and I asked calmly for reassurance and to see his phone he would be disappointed I suspect, but he would give me it without hesitation.

When you ask and he refuses to put your mind at ease you will have your evidence. A partner with nothing to hide would be comfortable in making you feel reassured and in showing their innocence.

They may not be happy about it, I wouldn’t be, but I would still give my husband my phone if he asked, it would just be followed by a serious conversation about how it isn’t ok to ask again as I would have now proven myself.

But if you ask yours and he refuses, then you make it clear you are taking this to mean there is something to hide and you no longer feel comfortable in the marriage, then he still refuses, what more evidence do you need.

OP this sounds very much like an affair. As others have said, it could be that she’s given him an ultimatum and he’s stressed now that it’s all becoming real, it could be that it ended, or it could be that it was simply an infatuation on his side and he’s been rejected.

I would be careful about using a tracker. For example, apple phones can detect AirTags, so if there’s one in the vicinity it will flag up on their phone.

Generally you should be able to tell from his reaction to asking to see his phone. I had a situation with my husband and he went nuts, outright refused and said I was breaching his privacy. After arguing and then not speaking, but still being in the same room, I said the only way to resolve and reassure me was to cooperate, so he agreed. He didn’t get chance to take his phone off somewhere first. I went through it and found nothing (other than some excessive spending which we had previously clashed over).
The point is, even if someone is very private and doesn’t agree with what you’re asking for, if they care about your relationship they should want to reassure you.

The main thing that stands out for me though is that he refused to let your little sister live with you. I understand that it must be a difficult situation, potentially having to take in a child who you don’t know, but she is your family and it’s not like you don’t already have kids. It makes me question the kind of person he is. But it could be due to an affair that he doesn’t want any more complications

That is an excellent idea, I’m up for it so if anyone in the south east needs my services, let me know

Oooh I’m in! 😀

Good point from PP regarding smoking being excellent escape time for him to message the OW in private. The phone thing is weird too, DH and I know one another’s passcodes and always have. Not to snoop, just because it’s practical when out and about e.g use my phone for maps, music in the car etc.

Obviously don’t drug him with sleeping pills or anything insane. If he is jittery enough to take up smoking through nerves, definitely call his bluff and ask to see his phone. Even if he denies, it’s fairly typical to read when someone is lying.

My ExH did exactly this too. The dog had an Apple AirTag on his collar and he’d be parked up for hours!

Yeah… cherchez le femme

You can get a tracker for £7 from Amazon just put it in the bottom of his gym bag (hidden) then remove when you know 4.1 4.1 out of 5 stars(175)

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😂

Do you have a update op?