Would these changes in my husband make others feel suspicious too?

[Saddaughter999]

Am I being paranoid, or does this sound like something is going on?
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two children (8 and 3).
Like most couples, we've had our ups and downs, but I'd have described our marriage as fairly stable until last winter.
He started working closely with a woman on his team, and almost immediately he was mentioning her constantly after work. I jokingly referred to her as his "work wife" and assumed it was just because she was new and they'd become friends.
Then in January he suddenly decided to start going to the gym every morning before work. This was completely out of character because he's never been interested in the gym before, but I thought maybe he'd just decided to get fitter.
In March my whole world fell apart. I developed health problems, my father died unexpectedly abroad, and there was a huge amount of family drama afterwards. I was completely consumed by everything that was happening and honestly wasn't paying much attention to anything else.
Looking back now, I've started noticing things that make me uncomfortable.
Around the middle of June I thought his perfume smelled different. I have ongoing nose and throat problems, so I wasn't sure if I was imagining it.
At the beginning of July I discovered he'd secretly started smoking. He admitted it when I asked and now smokes openly at home.
What's strange is that he's also gone from constantly talking positively about this female colleague to suddenly saying only negative things about her, which almost feels forced.
Over the last couple of weeks I've noticed other changes too. He keeps going upstairs for no obvious reason. He's become very protective of his phone. One day I walked into the kitchen without him hearing me and when he realised I was there, his hands actually shook as if I'd caught him doing something.
Yesterday he randomly announced, "I'm not going to the gym tomorrow." I hadn't asked, so I replied, "Why are you telling me? It doesn't affect me." It just felt like a strange thing to say out of nowhere.
He then spent the whole evening on his phone playing games and barely spoke to me.
Our sex life has changed as well. He used to have a very high sex drive, but now he often struggles to get or maintain an erection, and sex takes much longer than it used to.
Individually, I know none of these things prove anything. Together, though, they have left me wondering whether I'm missing something.
Does this sound like normal midlife changes and I'm reading too much into it, or would these changes make you suspicious too?

You’ve enough cause for suspicion. Demand access to his phone and look through it.

100% something going on.

Do you know any of his coworkers?

Hire a car for a week, park it nearby and when he says he is off to the gym follow his car and see where it leads you.

Ask him what he does at the gym. If he is going he would be proud to tell you what he does there. I do think he's having an affair and there are many reasons why he might be nervous: she's given him an ultimatum to leave you/her partner has found out. Do pple think the best thing to do is confront him or do some digging instead?

Sudden interest in the gym. Mentionitis. Protective over phone. Change in attitude towards partner. Happening over the same time frame.

All hallmarks of an affair.

Same. He was going to her house on the way to work not doing the sport he claimed.

A friend of mine put a tracker on her xh car and found he was meeting her parking near a fairly isolated cemetery (!!!) before work / precisely as s quiet place for car shenanigans /so seems like really mornings are prime cheating times…
Don’t do the tracker as it is illegal.

Is there a gps address thingy in his car?
Can you check the most frequent journeys @Saddaughter999
Do his gym clothes smell like a daily gym use? Has laundry washing increased?

If he goes with a gym bag, remove the shorts and see if he mentions it or even notices.

One thing I do know from experience, the man can be cruel with putdowns and digs and body shaming comments. It is because, in his head, he is being unfaithful to the new woman by being with you.

Do you have a 'find your phone' family plan? That might work.

Agreed. Considering he works early shift, post work or lunchtime meetings seem far more likely for an affair.
The gym is/was possibly genuine in the hope of making himself more appealing, but he's just been fannying about when he's there.

His behaviour is more akin to a love sick teenager - unrequited, maybe even become a bit obsessive. It's possible he's been pestering this woman, maybe inappropriate comments/behaviour, and as a result he's being subject to disciplinary.
I've worked (NHS) alongside men on two different occasions who were having disciplinary letters (for inappropriate behaviour) sent to their base, so their wife didn't find out.

Definitely not.
He didn't helped me at all. I got a call on Sunday morning that my dad passed away and I'm the only one responsible. Had to rely on my extended family to help organise the funeral. I didn't ask him for money. I borrowed from different family members and repaid them from my overtime. He didn't even offer his support or going abroad together. He was even moaning that he'll need to stay with kids 3 days alone in UK (he was probably upset he can't meet her ). I was in situation when my 12 year old sister (from dad's relationship with other women after my parents divorced) was left on the street and my husband said "there is no way I could take her to UK, I don't like her". I didn't even consider taking her but I simply wanted to do everything I can to support a teenager who lost his father and home.

I am alone in UK, I don't have anyone to follow him,etc. I have 2 friends who are extremely busy with their lives and have problems too. It's simply not an option for me.

I would definitely follow him. Ask lots of difficult questions about the gym. Tell him you were going to join too and suggest you went together. Turn up unexpectedly to his workplace at lunchtime. Make him squirm for a bit and then openly confront him. Definitely someone else. She has either dumped him, she is pregnant or he thinks he is covering his tracks by making negative comments about her. Stupid man. Get rid in your good time.

I simply can't do it, we swap shifts as our youngest is not at nursery. I would literally need to follow him/turn up at the gym with my child. No family in UK.

Also ,I don't believe any person would have energy for this-he works from 7am. We live in London zone 4, his gym and workplace-zone 1. He wakes up at 4:30am, at gym at 5am (gym works 24/7, I checked). 5 days a week, he even travelled to central London twice "for gym" during his one week holidays.

Maybe he's sad.
Maybe he wanted you to need him more and ask for assistance with Dad's funeral.
It is a bit weird that you didn't need him at the funeral.

I think he might just have felt revitalised with gym and extra attention. It could be simple flattery.
Maybe he misses you both having more exciting outings. Take some risky adventures together. Compliment him.

How does he behave?

Just fucking ask him.

I think your behaviour is weird. I want to see your phone for a few hours, tell me the passwords now.

If he refuses or takes it away to "cleanse" then you know.

Yes, ask.
And find a way to accompany him, or meet him half way through gym. Tell him you might drop in for a breakfast coffee some time.
And do it.
You can travel with pram and baby and have an enjoyable coffee date begining at gym.
Do some errands near his work. Does your kid need a flu shot?

I’d be suspicious, I don’t know how you can prove it without looking at his profile phone though.
Maybe track his location when he goes out to see if he is telling the truth about his whereabouts.

It also sounds like an affair that's finished and he's processing it.

This - my husband does the gym daily and the kit is disgusting and needs washing daily.
keep a beady eye OP, check pockets for receipts, if he ever leaves his phone unlocked get on it, quiz him on things he has told you afew days later to see if he trips up. He will slip up at some point if he’s cheating.

His behaviour is now nervy yes ? either she wants more/threatened to tell you/pregnant ..
Bide your time but use it to get your ducks in a row. Imo he is def cheated/cheating.

Tmi but have you noticed manky pants?

Yeah he's definitely hiding something. Another woman or major life event, you need to find out.

Maybe he's just an inconsiderate knob who is having an affair. Why should it be all about him when the OP lost her father?

A long time ago, my (now long ago) ex acted in an identical way. He became ridiculously happy out of nowhere, constant stupid grin on his face, and in his case he took up snooker as opposed to the gym.

Turned out he had met someone else and was going out with their respective groups of friends to play snooker and hang out while they got to know each other.

As with you, he stopped having sex with me, and then later became really grumpy. That turned out to be because they (temporarily) ended it. Was soon back on though. He didn't want to be with me even after it ended yet again but no way would I have trusted him again.

I am not one for "there's someone else" but in your case it does sound like it. I'm so sorry.

Only read op’s posts but definitely suspicions, and an emotional affair, if not more. However, the new change could be because either it’s progressed, and he’s feeling extra guilty, or they’ve had an arguement or something has happened, and it’s finished.