The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@MsJinks you so deserve MrT. What do you mean about "I'm just sitting in the garden"?

@Sunshineontheway I always like the sound of a viking!

@MrFlintstone no I will no longer consider long distance, too exhausting!

@Thiswillbefun what do you see now about your XH that told you about his character?

So very early on he’d mooted a Wednesday potentially but it didn’t get followed up - to clear it up I text to say guess it wasn’t happening and it’s ok I was doing something else now. He said I was welcome to go round he was in the garden 👀 I just said haha idk what to say to that but maintained I had other plans anyhow! He couldn’t apologise enough and rushed to establish a further date.

it was all and nothing really - though anxiety making at the time lol - guess I stuck to a boundary, but I also wasn’t my usual passive aggressive self lol - just clear and ok about it - I told him to stop apologising after 2-3 times as it had gone. I’m glad I made that boundary though tbh as once upon a time I’d have called it out but still gone around!

Oh yes I remember.

Good boundary. I may have done similar by not taking a call after the planned time. I only called Planescrash on that after the fourth or fifth time in a row.

Big mistake!

Oof hand hold please.

Four months of dating Mr Singer has just come to an end. Things were going okay and I really liked him but he was quite nonchalant. We did message daily and both initiated but sometimes his messages were more statements than questions.

Anyway we had a conversation about mutual effort in general etc about six weeks ago because I felt it wasn’t balanced and we agreed to continue (we’ve been exclusive since about 2 months and he asked me to be his girlfriend).

He had mentioned recently about coming to visit me while I’m away on holiday with my kids and family. I felt this was too soon and if I’m honest like he wouldn’t have reciprocated that with me the other way around (he only suggested it because he is childfree for two weeks) so I said no but that I did want to make plans together.

it’s me that’s confirmed our plans for the next three weekends and it was his birthday last week and I bought him a thoughtful gift then arranged a date doing mini golf and dinner for us which I paid for.

Ive changed my childcare arrangements to match his and I had arranged for my children to be looked after to spend an extra two days with him when his son is away. in comparison he hasn’t made any changes to his schedule etc

Theres been an ongoing theme of him also talking about his ex all the time, just in general conversations etc. (they split up six years ago and he hasn’t dated anyone beyond four months since then)

On Tuesday he messaged saying he would call me Wednesday after work. He didn’t. Then he messaged at 9.30pm saying oops he forgot. I was really cross and sent a message back saying I can’t always be the one checking plans and if he doesn’t have the time or energy for this I totally get it because we are all busy but if so let’s just call it. He replied saying he was confused and was going to sleep on it.

We had a too and fro yesterday which basically said he thinks I’m unfair and he has matched my effort then after an exchange of more messages he ended it saying we aren’t compatible.

I think you definitely have and it’ll stick - these boundaries are so simple when we look objectively at them - but pretty hard at the time. Proper progress - amazing.

I’m ridiculously pleased with myself with mine - I’m bloody 60 and never navigated one so clearly without any arsiness - hopefully I can maintain this approach now lol - we will see!

My nicest daughter did ridiculous lift giving to her now ex on first date and 2nd one - tbh the expectations were set there - tbf for both of them and why would he think differently? I kept thinking of that relationship when sorting ‘in the garden’ lol, but it wasn’t my usual style and tbf Gemini assisted my texts to remain moderate and myself not to look desperate ha!

Best of luck with Beered 💗

Ohh @Betsy95- that’s so disappointing - I’m sorry.

It certainly sounds like you were doing all the heavy lifting there - you need a partner who can share it - not another child.

But it’s so disappointing I know - ait on your hands and post in here or draft texts just to you (don’t send to him), talk to AI - and most of all be kind to you and do nice things for you 💗

I’m really resisting the urge to message him and just say let’s fix this. But this has been an ongoing issue and I’m really upset by how he’s behaved this week.

Do I just let it go?

Boundaries are something that I was not great at during my marriage so it is good to reflect here in your experiences.
My exh cheated on me for a year, I took him back then 5 years later he 'couldn't do it anymore'. There were massive red flags really early on, which I ignored, or out down to inadequacies in myself. Oh how we live and learn 😍

Delurking again - just split with on/off bloke - it’s been the last 2 years and great fun but OMG I ignored too many 🚩

So I’m back in the game over again. Have had 2 dates with Mr DHL - lovely but he’s just starting his divorce and although I find him really attractive I just don’t want to rip his clothes off 😳

@Betsy95 I totally get where you’re coming from. I had similar with my ex - always me sorting out when we could see each other and having to wait until his ex had decided when he could see his daughter. Men!!

So sorry my love.

Tell us your ick list or tell us if it's worth salvaging, or just know we're here with you 💜💜💜

I think if you message him and you open a dialogue that's completely fine.

IF the relationship has not got more minuses than pluses.

If you are just wanting to contact him to stop it hurting then it will hurt worse down the road.

Also - how will you feel if he ignores/blocks/has no wish to restart?

💜

Welcome home 😍

Okay Ick list:

• Bought me a mug with a Mouse on it but has an old FB status tagged to an ex with a similar mouse mug
• Talks about his last ex all the time
• Wears an Apple Watch so gets notifications of messages but only replies at set times for example after work.
• Lets me lead all the planning
• Wanted to meet my family and friends but didn’t do anything to incorporate me into his (I didn’t let him meet mine)
• Messages are statements not questions
• Very structured with checklists and schedules and it felt like he managed the relationship that way too as something to fit around his other things.
• Didnt make me feel prioritised
• Bit selfish in the bedroom
• Never suggested anything except dinner and overnights at his
• Kept initiating “space” during the arguments
• During the argument I said I was open to a discussion but it needed to rebalance things in terms of the effort, his response was he didn’t know how to do that.

Pros

• Semi thoughtful- would make me a coffee in the morning
• Did put effort into cooking at his etc
• Easy to talk to
• Felt quite relaxed around him

Good boundary setting! I need to get better at this.

If I am not actually interested in them it's easy, but just the first flicker of lust and all my carefully curated boundaries crumble into dust.......

Oh God, I am so sorry this has happened. Are you OK?

Are you SURE it's over? It sounds like he ended it somewhat in anger, and words spoken like that can often be taken back. IF you want them to be....

It does sound like he wasn't quite treating you like the prize you are, in various ways. So it may be that you will look back on this one day and feel it was very much for the best.

However, I am sure that makes very little difference to how you are feeling right now. Xxx

This is what I find - so hard to find someone I fancy!

I am really upset but equally I’m not okay with him just saying I’m “being unfair so we aren’t compatible.” I did put in heaps of effort and I just don’t feel like he reciprocated

A lot more cons than pros here. The ones that really stand out to me are:

• Constantly harping on about an ex. Honestly, if they still have feelings for another woman to the extent that they can't shut up about her, I think it's a worrying sign. The mouse mug thing would piss me off too - did he get a job lot of them?
• selfish in bed. Life is too short for shit sex, and if he is a bit lazy already, think of what he would be like two years in!

However, clearly there are pros too, and the heart wants what the heart wants. You know we will all support you whatever you decide. Xxx

I think your ick list sounds justified - and it's miles longer than the pros! The lack of planning/nights in sound pretty low effort.

@Betsy95 I’m so sorry to read this, I hope you’re okay.

@Nosdacariad thank you!!

Me too. I have had I think 12 first dates so far and wouldn't say I actively fancied any of them.....

I don't think the problem is me as such - I have been seeing loads of incredibly hot men from a distance while in Berlin, for example - I just don't seem to match with anyone I personally find sexy.

And it’s a nightmare! I went on a couple of dates with a lovely bloke, who is now a really good friend, and he ticked every box except that, I couldn’t have had sex with him! Funny, kind, generous, but he just wasn’t, in my eyes, shaggable 😭

For it too work, he would need to be willing to listen and compromise, I imagine.

I have just looked at your ick list again, and seen the thing about "initiating space".

My last two partners used to do this when we argued, and it drove me mad - I actually experienced it as a power play type move - and certainly a reluctance to actually deal with the issues and move forwards constructively......

But, take your time. There is no mad rush to decide what you want to do - it may be worth giving it a few days. See if you miss him, or whether in fact you experience a sense of relief..... Xxx

I’ve blocked him.

If I went back and said let’s try again and he said yes I’d just feel like I had put myself back into the role of carrying that too.

Am still a bit tearful though! And annoyed at myself for that.