I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

He wasn't looking for support. He was engaging in idle chit chat with a near stranger.

The man could have asked why your group was there, you partner briefly explained and came back to join you. He sounds like he's been very understanding and supportive, it's a shame you're taking things out on him.

It may be you that has been through the situation bit he has also been through it with you, the impact on him sound huge too, I bet it is was the only thing on his mind on Friday.
You have him to off load to, who d9es he have to talk to?

You need to calm the fuck down.

Quite sad that your whole identity appears to be your occupation.

If her behaviour shown on this thread is anything to go by I will take those bullying allegations with a pinch of salt.

It’s not often that you see such level of self centre.

I get it op.

If you strip it all back your DP told an almost stranger, unsolicited, that you were sacked AND are no longer an XYZ, which of course would be very hurtful given what you've been through. It feels very offhand.

You are massively missing my point. It's about how you are talking about someone who loves you, who you (presumably) love, who has been nothing but supportive to you and your colleagues throughout a hugely traumatic time for you.

I never said that 'chit chat' was support.

Do you know that for sure? Maybe after the pressure valve situation of the past 18 months, that chit chat was a moment of decompressing for him?

But look, it’s pretty obvious that anything anyone says on this thread that isn’t in agreement with you right now isn’t going to make a blind bit of difference so go be angry with him still and see where the cards land. But don’t be surprised if he’s equally upset with you after publicly calling him out in front of the very friends he’s tried, along with you, to support throughout this.

Okay, so maybe he doesn't understand. Maybe his job isn't his identity in the same way, or maybe he just can't understand it as he's experiencing it all from a different position.

But given that he has apparently supported you (and your colleagues) without fail for 18 months, I think you're catastrophising massively to feel as though it means you don't matter to him. I think many pp are right when they say it seems like you're transferring your anger onto him, and are (understandably) much too sensitive.

You need to take a breath and pause, and ask yourself how much this ill-advised comment to a random person actually matters in the overall tapestry of your relationship.

Ok, so he fucked up.

But this is a man who by the sounds of it has been absolutely wonderful to you for the past 18 months, a lifeline, someone who's basically kept you going. And he's supported not just you, but your friends too.

And all that's wiped away because of one small fuck up? You're incandescently angry at him because in the moment, (probably after a couple of drinks given you were out commiserating), he made a misjudgement.

I get that you're annoyed at him, but this is a not replacing the toilet roll level of misdemeanour surely. It's not like he's cheated, or punched anyone, or shared your deepest darkest secrets to someone who will use them to hurt you.

He had a conversation, and said something a little stupid.

Is that not forgivable given the man he has proven himself to be over the last year and a half?

Kindly, get over it.
In the grand scheme of everything, this non incident is nothing but the tiniest blip compared to everything you have been through. But look how much you’re focusing on it. Has he been there through the last 18 months? Has it impacted your home life and he has stood up and held it together for you? Has he listened day and night and every step of the way through your 18 months nightmare? If the answer is yes to those then allow him this one tiny mistake.
It was an idle thing to say on his part but stop making it out to be this huge betrayal which it is not.

I don't think he needs a 5 second summary to give to strangers in the pub who don't need to knpw anything at all about me.

Especially when they haven't asked!

Should a virtual stranger ask anything I future about what I do for a living, he can jsut say, "Oh, she's a _," and leave it at that

Why do they need to know specific details of my current circumstances. This man isn't a friend or even a close acquaintance. My partner couldn't even rather his name. And yet still said this.

He hadn't asked why we were out, what we were celebrating or what I did for a living. It was just my partner's response to a comment about the place being busy because it was full of teachers celebrating the end of term.

That's it. The bloke was a bit pissed becaise he'd been there for a couple of hours already. He wasn't offering support.

You are being very unfair towards a supportive partner. You have already expressed your anger in public towards him, so I think he has got the message. Your situation is likely to be top of your partner’s mind at the moment, and that will have made it a bit like a John Cleese “don’t mention the war” thing - it came out when he didn’t mean or want it to, then he had to quickly find a way to minimise it and shut it down so that the relative stranger didn’t ask any more questions about it. You know your partner doesn’t actually minimise your situation in his own mind, because he has lived through it with you and supported you throughout - the very magnitude of it and how much it is dominating his life and thoughts is apparent in the fact he referred to it. I think, rather than attacking your partner, you need to reflect a bit more on the impact your situation has had on both of you, rather than attacking your own support base. Wait until you have calmed down before you raise it with him again.

Yes

Have you even told him he must never talk about this ever again, to anyone?
Yes it's traumatic to you but it doesn't mean it has to be silenced.

Think if someone died how traumatic it is for their loved ones, they would still be asked about it or they would bring it up in conversation about life.

I think you are being extremely unreasonable to someone who has supported you well, you need to move on from the toxic workplace.

Let’s get this into perspective. Not to minimise your utter devastation, but let’s put that firmly where it belongs, with the employer. Not with your partner, who has been so supportive when it really mattered. And not with this random guy, who was possibly just asking what you do for a living, and not in any way invested. Your partner was right to shut the conversation down asap. It is not his place to disclose very personal details about this situation, or make random guy understand. There’s a time and a place. It’s a case of damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t, don’t you think? What would you have liked him to have said to this person who doesn’t matter to you? Your anger is misplaced.

Your choice to leave seems to be expressed differently by him, as these are two different things. . It seems that's what is tricky. So are you concerned that ' They let her go' would become a story rather than 'I resigned'? I can see that'd be worrying generally. Maybe as a previous poster suggested, discuss wording calmly with him but more importantly maybe talk with a union or Acas as if you have these worries about your ongoing employment situation.

absolutely!

Your partner will also be off-kilter and upset on your behalf. Sometimes when people are stressed they blurt out stuff, lack tact, or overshare, especially if you are not in your usual setting, or with your usual people.

Please don't be angry with him, especially if he has been supportive of you so far.

OP - the vast majority of the thread are (mostly) gently and sensitively acknowledging your hurt, but also telling you that you are being unreasonable to your partner.

You aren’t listening, which is also understandable as you are emotional, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Would you like people tell you what you want to hear, because MN is not the place for that kind of conversation.

I wish you well.

Thank you.

I haven't taken it out on him. I was cross at the time but we had a good night and a laugh with my friends. Yesterday, I was exhausted and slept most of the day. I didn't drink alcohol becaise I was too tired and too fragile.

I haven't said anything since and I've been normal but I am still cross about it inside.

It just felt so.dismisive and I felt humiliated that that was how he had described me.

You are not taking in what people are saying. This guy is an almost stranger so who cares. Maybe your partner was on the spot and trying to make conversation. It sounds like he has been very supportive so you need to move on from a sentence said to someone neither of you really know. It isn't the end of the world.

Maybe the person asked what you do and your husband was put on the spot and oversimplified.

I don't think you are keeping things in proportion . He was aware how much it meant to you and it was always going to be difficult to say anything at all by the sounds of it. Maybe you need to calm down a bit

And it's understandable you're disappointed he brought it up, but that's a totally different thing to be angry about from what your first raised.

You are angry and upset about the work situation. You have said you couldn't have got through the last 18 months without your husband. Don't now make this drive a wedge between you.

This