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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

517 replies

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 10:55

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

OP posts:
Sunseaandtea · 19/07/2026 21:04

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 20:28

It was but because I feel so hurt and overwhelmed by the whole experience, i'm struggling to separate it. I said I knew it was the situation more than him in my op.

But, as usual, some people have bothered to read and understand and I've taken on board what they have said while others have nothing better to do on a Sunday than bait so I've ignored them.

But I can't move on from it (the situation in general) at the moment. I don't know where to start. I felt let down by him when i was feeling my most vulnerable whilst also trying my best to have a nice evening with him and my friends when all I really wanted to do was go to bed. I'd forced myself out to salvage something positive from the day. None of us spoke about it until he did.

Show quote history

On the contrary OP, the vast majority of advice in this thread has been excellent. Sadly it's often the case when posters genuinely reply with the intentions of helping, if the original poster doesn't agree with the replies they are deemed to be goady or as you said they have nothing better to do on a Sunday. You either take on board the advice from countless posters who agree or you close your ears & make your own mind up. You are perfectly entitled to feel like that but please don't assume we are always wrong.

gotmyselfintoapickle · 19/07/2026 21:07

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 19:23

Thank you.

Yes, he can be both garrulous and guileless. He won't have meant any harm by it but he also doesn't always consider what he is saying or the impact or wisdom of it.

Show quote history

He won't have meant any harm by it but he also doesn't always consider what he is saying or the impact or wisdom of it.

Clearly you are very upset but if I were you I would try focus on this. It sounds like he misspoke without thinking rather than maliciously gossiping about you.

I’m sorry you are going though such a rough time.

Sereine · 19/07/2026 21:14

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 12:58

I needed to.process how I feel. Work out what of it is reasonable and what is not and find a way of telling him I don't want him to discuss my personal information with strangers.

I don't want to upset him because he has been supportive, I don't want to he angry and I acknowledged in my op that some of my anger is at the situation.

But if he is genuinely supportive, then he should also understand I don't want it shared with strangers in the pub and, tbh, I'm surprised he'd need to be told that.

I wouldn't do it to him.because I'd understand it was inappropriate without him explaining that to me beforehand.

Show quote history

He's apologised. He's demonstrated that he knows he was in the wrong.

What else do you want from him, given that he cannot make this unhappen? Can you not accept that no-one is infallible, he made a mistake, it happens to the best of us. Have you never made a stupid mistake,OP?

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2026 21:15

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 11:12

He can make small talk.about his own personal stuff then. In the unlikely event this man had asked about me, he could.have just said, "Oh, she's fine."

Or he can overshare his own personal life. But he doesn't. Because its private.

I agree with you.

He had no need to mention any of it.

I can see why you're upset

pictoosh · 19/07/2026 21:19

I imagine his own involvement, focus and stress over the situation leaked out while he was talking to this man.

needastrongone · 19/07/2026 21:24

I agree with the last few posts, and said so earlier, this thread is now only serving the purpose of you ruminating on the issue. Please - step away, breathe, sleep if you can but this thread isn’t helping you OP. Take some space away from it and your thoughts.

MauveLibrary · 19/07/2026 21:30

In terms of what would be immediately supportive measures for you OP, I think very gently you need to step away from this thread tonight and try to settle into bed and get some sleep. It might also be an idea to see your doctor as they may be able to prescribe supportive medication to help get you through this very rough patch.

Give yourself a few days to rest properly before you start to think about next steps and give yourself time to process this. Have a break if you can and if finances allow..you sound like you desperately need some time and space to decompress.

crazeekat · 19/07/2026 21:41

You are overreacting massively and your partner is minimising what’s happened to protect you.
im not downgrading your experience but it’s happened and it’s not your partners fault, you are taking on your anger out on him and you will
be in for a sharp shock if her then reacts badly to your behaviour.
you owe him a massive apology and a thank you for the support he has given you already because if you have been this heightened and triggered the way you sound on this post then that man has some patience listening to this all this time.
yes it’s shit and yes you need some support but you’re picking on the wrong guy.

Sereine · 19/07/2026 21:47

I think the explanation for this lies in your description of your partner as garrulous and guileless. He was chatting to this man, your situation was at the forefront of your partner's brain, the words were effectively out of his mouth before he could stop them. It was probably the realisation that he shouldn't have said anything which made him misrepresent the facts, he just wanted to shut the conversation down before the other man started asking questions.

OP, I had a moderately similar experience in relation to employment a few years ago. I knew that I was going to be lying awake all night churning everything round in my head, and what I found helpful was getting out my laptop and noting down everything that had happened, everything that had led up to it, all the bloody stupid things my employers had done because they were such shit employers and such bad businessmen (inevitably, the business collapsed not long afterwards).. I suppose in a way it was therapeutic, as if I was telling it all to someone else. After that I was able to sleep, I think because I felt I had been able to sort it all out to at least some extent. You might like to try something similar.

Charlize43 · 19/07/2026 21:49

Terfarina · 19/07/2026 13:55

Yes, I too would dump my husband if he dared to tell anyone I am vegetarian and don’t like eggs

Show quote history

Wish I had a husband I could dump, but would definitely block him if he revealed that I ate 2 Pistachio Magnums this afternoon. Nobody needs to know what a pig I am.

Zippidydoodah · 19/07/2026 21:52

squirrelchops2 · 19/07/2026 10:59

You're totally burnt out and everything is heightened at the moment.

I think this, too. You’ll be going through a really intense phase of grief.

Feel better soon 💐

In time, you will heal. (Are you a teacher, by any chance?)

Zippidydoodah · 19/07/2026 21:52

Ah bugger. Didn’t realise there were 20 pages. Haven’t rtft 😳

Empress13 · 19/07/2026 21:55

Give him a break he was just simplifying your current status. I’m sure there was no malice meant. Would it not be helpful for you to get some counselling to help you deal with what happened to you

aberturret · 19/07/2026 21:56

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 19:04

I want to be allowed to grieve and heal in peace without worrying that he is rattling off overly simplistic and inaccurate versions of a traumatic situation to strangers in the absence of anything else to say and that i might overhear it.

I haven't mentioned a word of any of it to him since Friday. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Show quote history

So tell him that? (Calmly!)

Explain you weren’t keen on his explanation the other day. It made you feel like… If a similar situation comes up again you’d prefer he said nothing / prefer he said … he’s not a mind reader!

summitfever · 19/07/2026 22:06

He’s overgeneralised and overstepped with the conversation. However given how hyped you are about this I’m guessing he’s not had an easy 18 months either and was probably gassing off a bit. Who’s (allowed to be) supporting him? You seem very self absorbed, which I get, I’d be gutted too. But remember it’s hard supporting someone and it sounds like one wrong word and he’s been hung drawn and quartered.

hoopieghirl · 19/07/2026 22:25

You’re very angry about the situation and rightly so but tbh your anger is directed at the wrong target . I don’t think ypur partner did anything wrong.

pikkumyy77 · 19/07/2026 22:30

Snowcanwait · 19/07/2026 19:46

Ooh this was a fascinating read thanks. Do you think there’s a limit to how much time someone can remain in the inner circle and then what happens if the supporter on the outside goes into crisis themselves? In my own experiences, when the supporting person goes into crisis the relationship with the person inside becomes unsustainable.

Show quote history

Yes. You can see it here in the recent discussion of “clara” vs “steph”— in that thread lots of people described no longer being able to sustain the helper/carer role after some period of time. Can be long or short.

trainkeepsgoing · 19/07/2026 22:32

UAIBU xx

Eazygoing · 19/07/2026 23:15

This lady has been through hell. So many of you are just mean and nasty
She opens up about a long drawn out painful experience she went through and so many of you are , Oh, wait a moment while I just kick you in the guts while your down.

maybedomaybedont · 19/07/2026 23:21

I'm really struck by the number of people who are saying glibly that you can always get another job but good men are hard to come by. (Will nobody think of the poor good men!)

Some specific careers are genuinely rare and take years to build up. Relationships end all the time because people want to find better relationships that fit with their ambitions. And it's not wrong to want to be valued professionally, and treated fairly and with respect. We're not wrong for wanting better. Neither is it easy to change careers once established, especially not at the moment.

Also - people increasingly work in the same occupation as their partners. If the OP's partner is in the same profession, and still there, that would make it really painful.

EvieBB · 19/07/2026 23:26

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 10:55

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

Sorry but YABU.

Coco852 · 19/07/2026 23:30

I think your anger is misdirected

EvieBB · 19/07/2026 23:34

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2026 11:02

He was making small talk, probably inadvisable to discuss the work situation but maybe the other man brought it up.

Your pain about the whole thing is very clear and I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through but you know the rage and betrayal is about the work not your partner. He’s been consistently supportive and caring, don’t try and pick a fight because you want someone to lash out at. You’re sensitive and floundering, take a breath and don’t try and see attacks where there haven’t been any.

Exactly this

SpidersAreShitheads · 20/07/2026 01:01

SoAngryAboutThis · 19/07/2026 20:02

I asked him not to share my private business with strangers especially as he'd said things that werent true.

That was it. The exchange lasted seconds.

Absolutely fine for him to say something that wasn't true about me to a stranger but not at all fine for me to ask him not to.

Show quote history

That’s not what you suggested in your OP. You said:

”I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends.”

You were clear that you chewed him out. In front of friends.

Sorry OP, I don’t think that’s ok - not even a little bit.

And two wrongs don’t make a right. Even IF he was wrong, what you did was also poor - and most people would consider your behaviour worse.

The fact that you STILL can’t acknowledge that your behaviour was poor while simultaneously still being furious at him speaks volumes.

IStillHearTheWaves · 20/07/2026 07:43

Eazygoing · 19/07/2026 23:15

This lady has been through hell. So many of you are just mean and nasty
She opens up about a long drawn out painful experience she went through and so many of you are , Oh, wait a moment while I just kick you in the guts while your down.

Did you read the same thread as me?