I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

Well I still think you are over reacting. I would try and calm down there only so much support a person can give without being exhausted by it and if you thank him by going on a rampage for such a small blip you may find that support start to dwindle. He’s apologised let it go.

Your poor partner, after supporting you all that time. It was someone you hardly know, he didn't go into detail to protect you. I don't see what he's done wrong. And you chastised him in front of everyone. You're angry, but kindly, I think you need to apologise to him.

How did it even come up in the conversation?

They both commented that it was busy, the man said something about school being out and there being a lot of teachers there celebrating the end of term.

My partner asked if he were a teacher. He said no but worked in a school and that was my partner's contribution In response. The man hadn't asked anything about me at all.

I understand how strongly you’re feeling, it comes across very clearly, OP.
I think you should tell him forcefully how very unhappy you are with what he has done and that you do not want him to discuss your situation with other people at all.
(And I think some PPs here are also minimising. You are entitled to feel how you do.)

I don't want him to discuss it with other people. God knows what he has told other people that I am completely unaware of.

I understand why you are angry but in normal circumstances you’d maybe be a bit short with dh and he’d apologise and next day it would be fine. In your current circumstances everything feels hard and the anger is an emotional outlet for more than the single incident.

I had an awful 18 months when my work went through a merger - bullying was so bad and I went from being highly regarded and respected by the ceo and his team a new exec team coming in who were told shit about me that wasn’t true. All my advocates were made redundant or bullied out so I was on my own. I stayed for 3 reasons - 1. To pay the bills; 2. Because I refused to let them destroy my hard earned career; 3. I had just started a masters course funded by my employer

I’m still there but a couple of things I’ve done to move forward that may be helpful:
My work was my identity - I had to change my mindset on that and find who I am beyond work.
The course was my saviour - I got a distinction so it took time by I proved myself on paper that I’m good enough. I needed that reminder.

If it’s possible, take time to rest and recover then dust yourself off and find your new you. Maybe consider a course so you can regain your confidence. The regular marks and feedback (at a time I don’t nothing from work other than bitching behind my back and paranoia that turned out to be justified) was really valuable in rebuilding my confidence.

I’ve had to prove myself from scratch and it’s hard and very unfair. I did nothing wrong other than be a threat through competence to others.

I would agree lines re how you want to speak about work (and tell dh). Something like “op had a great career at x but is taking time out to reassess and do something new.” would be my choice. Don’t let the shit situation affect your relationship. They don’t get to destroy that too. Sending mumsnetty flowers 💐

Sorry OP, but you come across as completely unhinged.
If I was your partner I’d probably be rethinking my life choices after such a reaction.

You are clearly very angry but don’t serve it to your partner. You are homing in on something minuscule - the person he was speaking to probably forgot the conversation in a second.
Your partner is probably burnt out, too. Give him a break if he’s been supporting you through all this, is also exhausted, and is treading on eggshells around your hyper vigilance.
And I’m not being cruel to you, I’ve been where you are and it’s awful.
Your mind is so sensitised it’s going to move from one ‘wrong’ to the next one, looking for further evidence of poor treatment. If you are not careful you could drive people away and you don’t deserve that.
You have been through a terrible time but your partner is a separate person. I started to improve when I realised that what happened to me was awful, but other have their own lives, life is shit at times, but the world keeps turning.
Becoming bitter and defensive drives people away.

You're massively overreacting. Unless you think your DP was deliberately being malicious, then at worst it's a case of him saying something awkward when put on the spot – mentioning your situation because it was foremost in his mind. We've all said awkward, ill-advised things before, I'm sure.

I can also imagine the person might have asked why he was out, and he just said the truth – that it was your last day at x, where you did y, so you were having drinks with two colleagues. (Edited after one of your update comments)

If he has been absolutely amazing throughout it all and after one small throw away comment said whilst making chit chat you're this upset, i don't think you're being fair at all
If he'd have told him the real reason you'd have been up in arms he was telling your business no doubt.
You're not thinking rationally or clearly.

she doesn’t sound unhinged. She’s clearly gone through an awful time and is feeling fragile. She’s human and her anger is misdirected due to the build upto of her situation. People struggling to cope in hard situations doesn’t make them “unhinged”! Can you just take a second and imagine being in a dark place and someone saying that to you?! God I hate mn sometimes.

TeenLifeMum

Thank you.

I don't care if he tells.people that I am a _. That's small talk but to glibly refer to something that has been so utterly traumatic on a day that was already very upsetting just made it worse.

This wasn't someone he was seeking support from, or someone who cared about me. He didn't need to say anything but he did so for what?

I'm a very private person and so is he. He doesn't share anything about himself even for the sake of small talk.

Im sorry that happened to you. I'd imagine the feelings I have are very similar to what you experienced.

I do have plans to go into something related but not identical and do another masters degree. But at the moment, I'm still devastated and still cried this morning whilst making a cup of tea for no reason at all.

Perhaps the man asked what does your wife do? And that’s why he responded oh she used to be a x. Rather than she doesn’t do anything. It’s hard to come up with a suitable response when you’re put on the spot.
I think you’re directing your anger at the wrong person

I didn't come up in covnersation 🙄

She does. And yes, I can imagine being in a bad and desperate place. That does not justify treating others in such a way at all and she needs to cop on before she destroys her private life by overreacting like this.

The world does not revolve around one person alone, and the OP needs to pause and remember that other people’s feelings matter just as much as her own.

Loose lips sink ships.

I’d be cautious what I share with him in future.

Is it worth ending things with him over? No. You’re hurt over the situation but don’t make him the target of your anger.

Tbf, of he'd said it was last day at workplace and we were out celebrating that would have been fine.

It was the reductive way he gave out very personal and actually untrue information about me. I wasn't even let go. I chose to leave but the circumstances that led to that decision were horrific. I just couldn't take it anymore.

It wasn't true on either count.

I am still a _ and I wasn't let go. I probably should have made that clear sooner!

You sound raw and unhappy, and looking for someone to hurt and blame. What he did was not ideal but he does not deserve the wall of upset that you are directing at him. Have some perspective.

I've explained the conversation they had.

You’re clearly having some very big feelings here.
I’d tell him that you’re feeling in a lot of pain about the situation still so you need him not to speak about it with others in future.
But I agree you’re directing your anger at the wrong person here and if you’re not careful with how you manage your emotions then you’re going to have even further stress and upheaval to deal with

He made a mistake, a pretty small one in the general scheme of things. Stop focusing on that - why he said it etc. sometimes people do things like that and then wonder why.
There is no huge harm done here by your partner. He is also under stress, too.
Act as a team now, and stop nitpicking for evidence that he’s also the enemy.
Stop placing so much importance on whatever label it is. It matters to you and that’s it. Other people really aren’t that interested.
You’ve been badly treated elsewhere - that’s why you are upset and in tears.
It will take time to process but stop micro managing something that’s already happened and doesn’t matter anyway.

Don’t ruin a whole relationship over a phrase he used making small talk with a virtual stranger

It was social chitchat. As others have said, don't let this destroy your relationship. When you're feeling calmer, tell him why you're upset and what you'd like him to say in future .

YABVU, but you cannot recognise it. Your overreaction and the way you are obsessing over your supportive partner's explanation to a stranger is a form of paranoia. The paranoia could be the result of stress and depression. You cannot police everything your partner says. You need some help from a therapist to get you out of this dark place.