I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

Ok, look, I'm talking from the point of view of: 'Used to be a teacher' (and that's because I'm a teacher and understand how all consuming the profession is and how toxic some workplaces can be).

I should imagine there's a period of loss, confusion and grief. While your partner has been supportive, you seem upset about their glib description. Careers like teaching are a huge part of someone's identity. It's not easy to hear that you used to be something in the midst of you feeling like nothing. I believe it might take some time for you to figure out who you are away from the job. This is very scary.

It's often said that anger is the other side of fear. You possibly have to reach deep here and consider that your anger is just a way of you avoiding your fear. If you keep allowing the anger to be your internal monologue, then you'll drive away the person who can help you with your fear.

Finally, if it was teaching, the education support line (open 24/7) are very non judgemental and can help you think things through.

Sorry you're going through this.

You’re angry and not listening to people. I understand why but you’re not in a place to hear things you don’t like right now

Im sorry pp's (and your DP) are missing your point op. I thought it was pretty clear and I completely understand your anger here.

If it’s been so horrible for you for 18 months and he has supported you through it then it will also have greatly affected him and be part of his personal life. It will have been top of his mind so when small talk happened it just came out. It’s not just about you.

This.

I think youre traumatised and not thinking clearly - I know how you feel, I've also come out of a job feeling totally shellshocked before. Your partner sounds like a good, supportive person. He has summarised to a relative stranger, rather than going into details - I think this was actually the right thing to do, anything less light-touch would probably have invited some questions that you/he would not have wanted to answer. I think you are displacing all your anger and hurt about the job on to this one minor exchange. Don't do that, you don't need to blow the rest of your life up.

I completely agree.

OP thinks the world revolves around her and this man has literally been her biggest support for months, he says one thing wrong when put on the spot and she embarrasses him in front of her friends.
And what’s even worse is that she’s not begging him for forgiveness and saying she was in the wrong - she still thinks he’s in the wrong.

I don’t think I could forgive this behaviour.

It sounds like you are grieving the loss of the part of your identity linked to the role. Anger at unwanted identity descriptors can be intense. If you can sit with the anger (maybe squeeze something or punch a pillow to try to express it?) you might be able to let the sadness, hopelessness etc out too. The words your husband used will be triggering on two fronts - used to be implies you no longer are, and let go trivialises traumatic events.
If you give yourself the space and grace to grieve, you might be able to place the anger where it needs to go. You sound heartbroken xxx

I think that’s a very balanced post.

Please think of having some counselling to work through your feelings so you don’t have to hit out at others. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with you but that you’ve been deeply and painfully hurt and it would be helpful to unpack that and process it with a professional.

I've had a similar work situation, and I have now left, and I would be furious if this was framed as "they let me go" by my DP, even though in some ways it could be seen in that light

You are being VVVV unreasonable. He has been your rock for 18 months, and now you're picking at a two minute conversation he had outside the pub. You are angry because of what's happened to you at work. You need a channel for this anger, and your Partner is in the firing line. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember all of the support you've had for 18 months. EIGHTEEN months. Jeez, he sounds like an absolute saint to support you for such a long time. Not sure I could do it, tbh.

Thank you.

He could have just said, "Oh, my partner is a _". There was no need to give anything else. In fact, he didn't need to say anything about me.

He could have left me out of the whole exchange.

Was it the fact he ‘said anything at all’ or ‘the reductive way he gave out very personal and actually untrue information about me’??

You’re looking to be angry at him because it’s cathartic after everything you’ve been through. But he was being reductive to spare the details you don’t want him sharing, so youre being VU to throw that at him.

Fair enough if you don’t want him mentioning you at all, but your over reaction to that very minor infraction is too much. Focus on healing, not creating more drama!

I am sorry for what you have gone through. I think it would be a good idea to seek some therapy. Your partner has done nothing wrong. Have you unleashed this anger onto him? I am worried you will destroy what sounds like an important supportive relationship in your life. And worried for him - you do sound very angry, unfairly so.

It's not your fault, but please seek help. Everyone is saying the same thing, which is rare on Mumsnet. Please try to listen. X

Yes, I agree. Her DP not only supported her but also her colleagues. While going through any form of trauma or upset over a long period obviously has most impact on the person concerned it can also heavily impact loved ones doing all the supporting. I've been there for three years and counting, got the t-shirt, and I was mentally and emotionally done in after two years and I'm now on my third and have had a few meltdowns myself. Unfortunately no one is there to support me, the supporter. Fortunately my partner understands that it takes a toll on me too.

When I bump into an acquaintance and hsve to make small talk the amount of shit that comes out of my mouth that I regret after is unbelievable. Cut him some slack 🙂

I totally get that it’s all raw and you’re extremely upset and overwhelmed by everything but I think you’re being unreasonable to your partner. We hurt those closest to us.
Yes, maybe his comment to the acquaintance might have been a bit clumsy but blimey, you need to give the guy a break. He’s been supporting you. Be thankful for that.

@SoAngryAboutThis , I know you’ve responded to @TeenLifeMum’s helpful and understanding post upthread, but please please also take note of what she said at the end of it, because honestly I think she’s spot on:

Don’t let the shit situation affect your relationship. They don’t get to destroy that too

YABVU

You are projecting.
Get a therapist for your issues.

You are over reacting and I can quite see why. You are probably completely burnt out and on your last nerve. Focus on the ongoing support he has given during a horrible period of time rather than one incident.

Okay maybe it wasn’t the best thing to say but can I just say that it can be incredibly draining to support a partner through a big crisis and I hope you have considered how your career-devastation has impacted on him too.

I think whether or not you should be angry, and how you talk to him, depend on asking yourself a few questions.

Do you think he cares about the situation, and your feelings? Do you think he intended to be reductive and inaccurate? Do you believe he wanted to hurt you? Is he the kind of person where it's possible that, when talking to a distant acquaintance, he just blurted something out to fill the silence?

If he's usually a fantastic partner, I'd think this just a matter of people being flawed and messing up sometimes, and it doesn't help to leap down each other's throat over it.

I think your best course of action, if he's been extremely supportive through the entire, painful saga, is to apologise for chewing him out in front of everyone, but reiterate that you feel really hurt that he spoke about what happened to a casual acquaintance, and framed it as the untrue 'let go' – tell him that it just hit a raw nerve for you, which was why you reacted that way. That gives him a chance to reflect and explain, and apologise himself. And hopefully, that'll be the issue sorted.

I completely understand why you feel angry and hurt. But please look at this one thoughtless comment and compare it to all the love and support your DP has given you over the last 18months. Please forgive him and move on. You are understandably upset at the moment but don’t let what has happened in your professional life also ruin your relationship.

I think you are wrongly redirecting your anger at your partner. Isn’t it likely that the person asked him “What’s the occasion?” as to why he was at that particular pub and your DP just gave a simple but truthful answer? Don’t let this one incident destroy your relationship when your DP has been so supportive these past 18 months.

Edited to add: I see you’ve outlined their chat now. Still think you are overreacting and could end up pushing away the person who has supported you throughout.

I’ve been in your position. I felt lost. Emotional. Uncertain of who I am, whether I no longer deserved to be who I thought I was, etc.

It’s a great, seeping wound in your being at the moment, and has been for 18 months. I’m sorry.

Take a breath. You know you don’t want to ditch your relationship over this, so you are doubly conflicted about part of you wanting to rage and scream at his insensitivity while also knowing he isn’t actually insensitive.
So Take a breath. Cry angrily in the shower. Have a stiff drink if that’s appropriate for you.

Then come up with a phrase that explains how hurt and undermined you felt BUT you know you need to find a way to manage it. That you need to come up with a phrase together that he can use which won’t be like jabbing a needle in your sorest places.

Something like ‘She’s had a dreadful time at work, but she’s a survivor and already planning her next steps.’.

Work with him to defuse this hand grenade you’re both living with. 💐