I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

I completely understand your being angry, OP. I would be too.

But please bear this sentence in mind "I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him."

Try to cut him some slack and let it go. One slip up doesn't erase 1 and a half years of support and understanding.

Do you have a holiday booked?

As the threads goes on that’s more how it looks

OP, I get it.

You’re badly hurt by him but I think your emotions are massively heightened at the moment anyway.

He can’t take the words back so what should happen?

For yourself, I say let it go. There’s nothing to be won by going back over old ground.

When you feel emotionally ready, inform DP he isn’t to talk about anything so personal about you in the future. Let him know that by referring to you as a “used to be a X” is really hurtful and makes you feel less than.

Then let it go.

He screwed up. You’re upset but ultimately you have to move past this otherwise your relationship is going to be destroyed.

Agree, he may not fully understand but he has tried to be as supportive as he can. We can’t always understand what other people’s experiences really feel like and I think that’s especially true of work experiences, especially with all-encompassing and demanding jobs and workplace bullying.

He doesn’t have to understand the situation entirely as you do, to care and be supportive. But i think having been there for you for 18 months and heard all the details, he must know that what he said is not a true representation of what you’ve been through. That’s why I don’t think he said it because it’s what he actually thinks, but because he was chatting shallow shit with a near-stranger and awkwardly ventured onto the subject when he shouldn’t have/hadn’t been intending to.

I don't know if you are getting professional help to process the last 18 months, but this might a good time to get that ball in motion.

No one can say the right thing, or do the right thing 100% of the time. Your partner wasn't setting out to hurt you intentionally, he likely made a comment without thinking - in all likelihood, this other guy has probably a) forgotten what he said and b) doesn't care.

If he has been really supportive of you during all this time, I think you need to cut him some slack, because it has probably been difficult for him too. If you choose to confront him and repeatedly conduct a post-mortem about a single sentence, then as PP said, this will start to infect and fester in your personal life.

I supported DH through an awful and long witch hunt when he was a teacher. It was hideous and caused him untold stress to him. The stress for me was also really high as supporting someone through this stuff really takes it out of you, including the anger you feel on their behalf. As the supporting partner, you just have to suck it up.

if my DH had then lost it with me in front of friends in a pub because I’d miss-spoken I would’ve been devastated.

Cut the guy some slack, he made a misjudged throw away comment. While it is clear you have been through a lot remember he has as well as this issue as dominated and impacted on both your lives, not just yours. Being in a constant support role for someone else is mentally exhausting.

OP, he screwed up. He was insensitive and chose his words badly.

All we're saying is - he sounds like a good, caring partner overall. Don't blow this slip-up out of proportion.

I'd have understood if the man had asked what I do for a living and it had nust come out becaise he just hadn't formulated a response. But he didn't.

My partner didn't need to say anything about me at all.

He wasn't seeking support, he was dismissive about me to a virtual stranger who doesn't even remember my name.

The post that a lot of people are.missing is that he didn't need to find a 5 second summary or a way of saying it that would be acceptable.to me, he could just have not said anything. He wasn't asked a question.

He just minimised a very traumatic event that had culminated about 4 hours previously in a devastating way that he knew about. And on a night out that was supposed to be a bit of normality and fun after months of shit. And to he sitting and laughing with my friends and to partially overhear him talking about it to someone who is a virtual.stranger but not enough of a stranger that I'll never see him again...

He could just have said nothing at all. Nothing. And given me one night away from it all in peace where other people didn't know about it other than the friends who were there and who have also been both directly affected by the problems.

Your partner shouldn’t become the lightning rod for your anger with your former employer.
If it was teaching, hopefully the union can help in some way?

I totally understand where you are coming from. You don’t know this person, you ended up in emergency with severe stress
If that was me I would be angry too. He has seem the trauma you have been through. It’s not a topic for gossip or small talk

Your husband sounds like a supportive partner. It’s a moments lapse in judgement and it is good that you can express how angry this has made you He can’t take it back, will probably never do something like that again
For the sake of your mental and physical health I hope you can put it to the side and embrace the good things in your life
Maybe write down how angry you are and then burn it, or if you get the chance to go somewhere quiet scream it out ( not at him) , you need to release that anger for yourself to heal. I wish you all the best xx

Yes, he could have said nothing at all and that would have been better. He didn't, he made a mistake there. But not a massive mistake in the grand scheme of things. Forgive him OP.

No. He didn't. I've already explained the conversation.

Ok, OP, we get it now. He's a fucking bastard who said the most appalling unforgivable awful thing to a passing acquaintance of the both of you. You should obviously leave the bastard because that undoes all the good he's done in the last 18 months giving you and your colleagues unconditional support while you've probably given not one moment of thought about how it's impacted him, or anything he might have been going through himself as he probably wouldn't have told you so as to not add to your load. As you said earlier, you now can't trust him with anything.

Jesus, what an absolute shit he is.

Well, if you haven't made it a big deal but are bottling it up inside, then it might be best to talk about it, just to clarify things to avoid a repeat in the future.
A non-accusatory chat asking him to please not mention your employment situation to anyone in future, and also explaining calmly why the wording felt so dismissive to you.

Other than that, this seems like the sort of thing that you might need to just 'let go'. Being a little annoyed with him is reasonable, but being incredibly hurt and angry isn't.

He was slightly thoughtless whilst making conversation- He should say sorry, and you should both move on. But this feels like displacement- You're directing all your anger and hurt at him when he's been the constant support you so desperately needed over this last, terrible, period of your life.
I have been guilty of this myself- We can tend to lash out at those who we feel safe with, the ones we know are going to stick around. I'd take yourself off somewhere today and spend some time alone to really think about where your anger really stems from, because, kindly, he said one slightly insensitive (though accurate) thing, and you're overreacting.

You're being very unfair towards a man who has been nothing but supportive for 18 months. You don't need to speak to him again. You need to let it go. He did nothing wrong.

He probably wasn't sure how to describe you. If he goes around telling people that you are an x it leaves the possibility that they are going to use that as a conversation starter next time they meet you and start asking more in depth questions that you might find awkward. If you're willing to risk that and want him to refer to you as an x, then just let him know. It's fine to be mildly annoyed with him that he shared personal information about you when there was no need, but it should be mild annoyance not absolute fury that is being redirected from the whole situation.

It sounds like speaking to a therapist to work through everything that's happened could be good for you. I'm not sure that spending time on here trying to convince a pile of strangers that you're right to be so angry is helping you. You're just going over and over the incident that annoyed you in your head and dwelling on it. I'd suggest trying to channel your annoyance into something physical. Put some loud music on and have a really good clear out or go for a walk or something and try and forget about it for a while.

I'd have understood if the man had asked what I do for a living and it had nust come out becaise he just hadn't formulated a response. But he didn't.
My partner didn't need to say anything about me at all.

Ok, but he didn't. You can continue to focus on what he should have done, but the here and now is that he said something different.

So what do you want to happen? Do you want him to suffer, as you have? Do you want him to beg forgiveness, as you probably desire from your former employers?

Because the way it sounds is that he is now a target for you to direct all the injustice and anger you have suffered. This won't help you in the long-term and is extremely unfair on him, given the support he has provided.

I think you should step away from the thread op. You are not hearing what the majority of people are telling you and you just want to rant.

I totally understand where you are coming from. You don’t know this person, you ended up in emergency with severe stress
If that was me I would be angry too. He has seem the trauma you have been through. It’s not a topic for gossip or small talk

That's exactly it. Thank you for understanding..

He might have handled it better, but I think your own trauma at what happened is making it seem worse than he intended. It sounds like ir was just passing comment to fill chat with a stranger. Regardless, it’s happened and you can’t undo it so I guess you need to think whether it’s worth being so angry over.

Anger is a much easier emotion to feel than sadness and it’s a lot safer to feel angry with someone close to you than former colleagues. I think your brain has got you stuck on this resentment because you’ve got too much to handle emotionally right now. But it does sound like you might damage your relationship with a good partner if you can’t find a way to get past it, you sound like you’re gearing up for a massive showdown. I know it always sounds trivialising but seriously it might help to go for a long run, call a friend and take a long bath with some crap TV. Don’t lean into the compulsion to keep stewing, it won’t actually make you feel better once the moment of righteous rage has passed.

What do you want from this thread OP, because it’s clearly not people standing up for your DP! I think you’ll find it too hard to get past this one incident based on your latest comments, so do him a favour and dump him now, because it’s going to underpin every conversation and row you have going forward. What a shame though.

How about you show your partner this thread @SoAngryAboutThis as he can then read exactly how what he said last night made you feel and what you think of him? I'm sure that would make things very clear for him and he can take the necessary course of action?