I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

She doesn’t want to be less angry with her dp. She’s deliberately feeding her anger by not responding to a single post about her forgiving her dp but adding posts where she can go on and on about the same gripe. No idea what her end game is, maybe to drive her dp away or just making him suffer forever more, who knows. One thing is certain and that is OP does not want to move on and have harmony at home. I’ve lost patience with her now and all sympathies are with the dp.

This. He supported you when it mattered by all accounts. Maybe it's tine to let it go and focus on the present and future

If DH says you are a xxx then people will follow up and ask where you work, that’s how small talk works. And if you currently aren’t a xxx that will then need explaining. Tell DH how you want it phrased in casual chat eg my DW was a xxx but she’s taking a career break right now. It sounds like you are in denial that you don’t currently do the job you did, but you still need a clear and simple way to answer the question - what do you do?

So what? It happened, for whatever reason, and he apologised. It's done.

What do you want to happen next?

I know, I feel sorry for the DP now

That is irrelevant. It's not what I posted about.

And that is the exact problem. Because I wasn't fired. Again, that is my point. He misrepresented something he had no reason to disclose to this stranger, who will have drawn the same conclusion as you.

I mean, there are people posting on here drawing inaccurate conclusions about what happened based on his inaccurate summary; assuming I've deliberately missed out some crucial information because it doesn't make sense he'd say something otherwise; and, at the same time telling me I'm over reacting when there are a lot of people proving exactly why it is that i am bothered.

It sounds like your work situation has been stressful but that may have impacted both of you in different ways. In passing conversation maybe dh was struggling with what to say but knew not to say to much and it came across clumsy. However I don’t think he did anything wrong when you consider the bigger picture. I think you need to take time to consider the situation and stress and make time for you.

You've repeated the same points so many times here I can only imagine how much grief your partner is getting. His indiscretion is obviously unforgivable. Do the poor guy a favour and dump him.

But who cares what this random man whose name you don’t even know thinks?

And why are you exempted from caring whether or not you humiliated your DP by having a go at him in front of people you both actually know and spend time with.

This man will have forgotten that conversation in two seconds. You are very important in your world, not in his.
As my mate told me once when I was going through similar: Petula, I love you but when you go over old ground again I drift off and think about what’s for tea.
As for giving him a dressing down in front of your friends, if he started a thread on here I can guarantee it would be called a emotional abuse after all the support he’s given.
Honestly, people out there especially in public car parks don’t give a shit about the ins and outs of life. Especially a stranger’s.
Yes but he shouldn’t have said it.
Honestly, I feel sorry for this guy after all he’s done for you.
He must be absolutely worn out.

When , or if, you see this person again, you can explain it exactly as you wish it had been said. I doubt this guy has given it much thought however.

Very few people have passed comment on the job etc (and who cares about randoms online), most people have expressed empathy for your partner and told you to let it go. But you refuse to engage with that. Because you want to rant about your DP.

The reason posters keep mentioning this specific part is because you're fixating on it while blithely ignoring the context and expecting them to do the same and they won't, because they can see the situation for what it was.

Early in the thread you stated that the acquaintance mentioned there were lots of teachers in the pub, and then you made it sound like that was the segue to your DP mentioning you.

They both commented that it was busy, the man said something about school being out and there being a lot of teachers there celebrating the end of term.
My partner asked if he were a teacher. He said no but worked in a school and that was my partner's contribution In response. The man hadn't asked anything about me at all.

No, he hadn't asked directly about you, but can't you see that you being brought up wasn't apropos of nothing? They were discussing teachers and you are one, apparently. It's called finding common ground in conversation, when you mention something relatable to what another person has said. Yes, your DP was daft to mention you being let go, but you're being disingenuous to suggest his remark came out of nowhere.

In the spirit of moving on, have you tried talking to him today?

God, it'a depressing when ai demonstrates more undersranding and humanity than some (not all) actual humans.

He’s been an amazing support to you and your colleagues.

You’re taking your fury and disappointment out on the wrong person. Poor bastard.

We have tip toed around it but the key word here is “shame.” OP is experiencing an enormous amount of shame, quite naturally, after having left this important workplace after 18 months of bullying and even being blanked by her boss (per report upthread) .

Shame is hard to evacuate. It comes to us from outside but it clings to us and needs to be lifted by mother/society/authorities. In OP’s mind her DP exposed her secret shame and secret fear (that the job ended, that she wasn’t valued, that the career identity is no longer hers) to an outsider thus widening the circle of shame.

This isn’t really something the DP did or didn’t do in a factual sense. Its a more or less emotional, passionate, incoherent, disorganized, feeling that OP has that this unmetabolized shameful rejection by work will become common knowledge.

It won’t, obviously, because mr pub guy doesn’t give a fuck. But OP also can’t accept that what is earth shattering to her is nothing to the wider world.

What do you actually want, OP? As that awful talk show host Dr Phil used to ask fixated guests - do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

If it's the former, keep engaging with the posts fuelling your sense of righteous anger and use this to forever beat your partner with a stick.

If it's the latter, forgive your partner, have a much needed break and get some professional help for the last traumatic year and a half.

I asked earlier, re your professional "identity" that you cling on to with such vehemence: What else are you?

In the absence of your work role, do you really just want to be just a self-absorbed egotist?

The problem is not what your DP said, the problem is your anger. Your anger is completely unjustified and your behaviour, driven by that emotion, is wrong. Your continued insistence on attacking a decent person for a single slightly imperfect phrasing is cruel, unfair, and bullying. You should not have had a go at him in front of your friends and if you are continuing to harangue him in your actual life in the way you are going on here, you are becoming abusive and you must stop this now.

You are now in the wrong. You need to see this. It's important to see how anyone gets here.

If you continue like this, you will become the bad guy in this story. It might feel preferable to be the bad guy in the end because at least the bad guy is in control of what is happening. It's a common consequence of being so badly hurt.

But you don't need your story to end this way. You can choose differently. You can stop demanding that innocent people carry the burden of wrongs done to you by others and you can stop punishing those close to you because the real perpetrators got away. You can choose differently, but these choices aren't open to you forever. Think carefully. Choose wisely, while you still can.

Good luck. Take care. x

it’s become too tedious now, on constant repeat. Threads where the OP just goes round in repetitive circles get too tedious for me. I’m going back to my Chinese drama, it’s a lot more engaging.

I agree with this - you're lashing out at your partner because you want to lash out at someone for all the hurt you've been through. Which is understandable.

But telling someone you were let go from your job (without going into the personal details) is fairly standard conversation for someone you don't know well. I don't think your partner has done anything particularly wrong!

However, I do understand your hurt. My DH was recently let go from his job (or forced out) after taking paternity leave, the only man to do so, and it has really stung. He's a high earner and fortunately he's secured another high earning job, but it's not the same sector or prestige as his last job and I still feel really bitter about what happened and how unfair it all is. He feels the same!

As my mate told me once when I was going through similar: Petula, I love you but when you go over old ground again I drift off and think about what’s for tea. and that is the mark of a true friend. Someone who will tell you the truth even if it’s not necessarily what you want to hear at the time.

I suspect the OP’s DP has empathy fatigue at this point, because some people are so take take take it’s exhausting to live with. And having supported her through eighteen months of this he’s now the one in the wrong over one sentence.

He would be wise to end the relationship at this point and find someone who actually appreciates him without having to make everything about herself.

And what if the person asked him about you?

Jesus, I really think you need to re-evaluate your life. Your previous employer has obviously treated you terribly, but you are allowing them to completely destroy your life - why give them such power? Is it really worth your physical, emotional and mental health (as it seems to have from what I've read here), and your relationships?

In the spirit of moving on, have you tried talking to him today?

No. I'm still exhausted and emotionally drained by it all.

I can't even think about it without crying (not Friday night just the whole sorry sitiation).

I don't even know how to begin talking about how I actually feel about any of it or how it's made me feel about myself.

We've just joked and chatted and laughed as usual. But all the while, I'm on the verge of tears and sitting with a huge pain inside me.

And what if the person asked him about you?

But he didn't.