I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

I think you need to focus on being able to start processing your feelings in a way that is safe. You sound like you need a break, all this grief and anger and shame and distress is eating away at you. Are you able to look at getting away, anywhere where you can start to work through this, let yourself cry this out, go and scream in a field or a quiet resort abroad where you can get some rest and lie by a pool.

Because she is not interested in anything but her own ego. I honestly pity the poor partner.

'The wisdom of it?' Fucking hell, it was a two minute conversation with someone in a bar.

I'm gaining more and more sympathy for the man the more you go on! This poor man has withstood 18 months of this - I'm out after a few posts.

Let this ruin your life if you want to, and you do seem rather set on it; let it turn you into someome who is (if this isn't your factory settings) self-obsessed and bitter and push away the people who have supported you. Your former employer won't give a flying fuck, the only person you're hurting ultimately with this performance is yourself.

so move past it. he's probably messed up big time but he can't turn the clock back.

yes you have every right to be annoyed and angry but I feel it is way ott especially after all the support he has given you.

you keep repeating what has upset you but the fact remains it's done now, he probably regrets it but are you just going to continue to bring it up?

Ooh this was a fascinating read thanks. Do you think there’s a limit to how much time someone can remain in the inner circle and then what happens if the supporter on the outside goes into crisis themselves? In my own experiences, when the supporting person goes into crisis the relationship with the person inside becomes unsustainable.

I asked him not to share my private business with strangers especially as he'd said things that werent true.

That was it. The exchange lasted seconds.

Absolutely fine for him to say something that wasn't true about me to a stranger but not at all fine for me to ask him not to.

Tough love coming.

Oh for goodness' sake! You said he has been wonderfully supportive all through your awful experience. Now you say "I feel I don’t matter to him". That is ridiculous and I think deep down you must know it’s ridiculous but are directing your understandable anger at your DP just because he’s accessible.

You are being totally unreasonable. The very worst he might have done is phrase something clumsily. Be careful he doesn’t get fed up with it. He has feelings too.

Does he matter to you? Because the way you have spoken about someone who has supported you for 18 months (which is no small thing!) is very unkind.

OP, you have been contributing to and engaging with this thread for most of the day. Whatever the rights and wrongs of what your DH said, that’s not healthy for you. Gently, step away now - focus on something else. This level of rumination isn’t helping you.

So he had a brief conversation, you called him out briefly in response. Why wasn't that the end of it?

LTB

Have you ever considered how hard it is to watch someone you love be treated like sh*t and not be able to protect them. You have to hold it together for them, to be there for them, but it doesn't mean it doesn't impact them and maybe he mentioned it because he was explaining why you were all out together, consoling each other. Maybe he needed to say it out loud to someone who would understand how it affects him too, without wanting to minimise your feelings.

I think you are hurt and feel marginalised and are deflecting this onto him and from your own description, you have every right to be upset and erased, but not with him.

Get a grip

no harm done - he knows now what to say , now you have briefed him

now get the therapy you desperately need need and go easy on the oh

Life will go on with or without a professional label. It hurts, yes. But life can be beautiful again and joyful

It was but because I feel so hurt and overwhelmed by the whole experience, i'm struggling to separate it. I said I knew it was the situation more than him in my op.

But, as usual, some people have bothered to read and understand and I've taken on board what they have said while others have nothing better to do on a Sunday than bait so I've ignored them.

But I can't move on from it (the situation in general) at the moment. I don't know where to start. I felt let down by him when i was feeling my most vulnerable whilst also trying my best to have a nice evening with him and my friends when all I really wanted to do was go to bed. I'd forced myself out to salvage something positive from the day. None of us spoke about it until he did.

@SoAngryAboutThis potentially he is feeling like your situation has taken over his life, so it was at the front of his mind.
Kindly, please try not to objectify yourself through your work; you are more than a job title.

Again, i agree with everything you have said but he didn't say it to someone who would understand how it affected him too.

He said it to a man we don't really know, who'd been drinking for a couple of hours who has absolutely no interest in me or my partner and wasn't even listening. I'd have no problem with him discussing his experience of it with someome who would understand how it affected him too. But that's not what happened.

I do understand all of that too. Thank you.

I think you do but you can’t see it right now. You aren’t in a good place and that’s fine. But other people such as on MNs can see the situation more objectively or have been there and come through it.

It’s unlikely it hasn’t taken anything out of your DP to support you these past 18 months. Which is what partners are for to a point, but it’s not to be taken for granted. So I’d let it go. You’ve already said what you had to say about it, now leave it.

Erm, sorry to point this out, but neither do you!

It may be a while before you can even start to move on from the situation in general, and you may need to accept it will change you as a person going forward and that you'll never quite view or enjoy work in the same way again because of the experience. But for the sake of your relationship with a man who, by your admission, has been your rock for the past 18 months, has been loving and supportive and has stepped up for your friends too, you really, really need to separate the two asap.

Maybe not tonight, because I think you probably need to step away from the thread now, but you should sit him down and tell him that his conversation with the acquaintance has been playing on your mind and you need assurance going forward that he won't inaccurately reduce your experience to a cheap payoff line and that you don't want him discussing it at all. Be calm, be kind, be clear. I'm sure he will understand.

But let your anger continue to simmer, you risk losing a really good thing in your life at a time when good things must feel sparse.

@SoAngryAboutThis I don’t think this thread is helping you now. It’s just fuelling your anger - either people agree with you and it justifies how you’re feeling, or people disagree and you get more angry explaining why they’re wrong.

You’re angry. You’re on edge. You’re constantly on the verge of tears. Your DP isn’t going to be able to make that go away now, because he can’t take back what he said 2 days ago, and he can’t change what’s happened in the last 18 months.

What do you want, and what do you need, to be able to move on?

I have also had to endure family members sharing extremely sensitive information about me, in my case medical, as idle chit chat. Again, people who are very supportive otherwise. And I also felt overwhelmed with hurt, as you do. It becomes a focal point and person for all the hurt that is really about the Big Thing.

You know that's really what you're hurt about. The big deal thing, not what he said in the pub.

But you need to tell him. How you see yourself and identify, still, and what is and isn't fair game to tell outside immediate family. You think this should be blindingly obvious. So did I. But apparently it isn't to people we love. So we just have to tell them.

Its not always about who you say it to, but being able to say it out loud without offending anyone, and so in these circumstances, he picked the right person to say it to.

You re angry, feeling erased and there is nothing he can do about it, but you won't help anyone by turning on him, you will just make it worse even if you do feel it was a bad judgement call. Give him a break and direct your anger elsewhere. It sounds like he has stuck with you during a very difficult time and that support will continue so he is allowed to vent too and venting to someone whose opinion you do not value, will unlikely see for a while and will not recall, is someone he can vent to without fear of repercussion, unless you are the repercussion???

I think when you have calmed down you should talk to him and ask why he felt it necessary to share your personal private information with a virtual stranger? Ask how he would react if you were to do the same? If he has been supportive generally I would hesitate to blow this up into a huge fight as that won’t help you. He should not have disclosed it. I would also stress that as well as sharing this info it was untrue as you still are a .. and you left of your own accord so they did not let you go. If he is going to broadcast your private info it should at least be accurate.