I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

But surely that must be 99% caused by the overall 18 month situation and minimally by this one specific interaction?

As I and other have suggested, I think you need to find a way to separate your anger from the situation and also find a new version of yourself that means your recent job history doesn't define you

Haha me too! I’m watching three at once.

I don't even know how to begin talking about how I actually feel about any of it or how it's made me feel about myself.

Are you talking about the situation in general or just him, because it really does feel like you're conflating the two.

If it's him, then based on what you've said throughout the day, I do have doubts your relationship will survive your anger. So, you have a choice, talk to him today and start to let go of it, or keep storing it up until you explode and say something far worse than what he did in the pub that you won't be able to take back.

Chinese one or western ones?

To be honest I don't think it makes a difference, if it's consuming you this extent, you have a massive problem.

so what? Really grab yourself and give yourself a shake. If you don’t think your partner loves you and supports you and respects you then you should leave him. If you can accept this was just a brain fart of a social interaction then you have to get past it.

Is that what this is all about. Deep down you think that the last 18 months of support on his end were for show and what he really thinks is you were fired and are no longer of any value in your old identity? So whatever happened in that conversation was, in some sense, his real thought?

That would be very hard. Do you not trust him anymore?

I want to be allowed to grieve and heal in peace without worrying that he is rattling off overly simplistic and inaccurate versions of a traumatic situation to strangers in the absence of anything else to say and that i might overhear it.

I haven't mentioned a word of any of it to him since Friday. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Chinese ones on Viki and IQiyi plus the odd Netflix like Pursuit of Jade.

The situation in general.

Sorry OP but from the sounds of it he is a great partner who cares about you and has supported you. I think you are still very traumatised by what happened to you and néed support with mental health because you are taking your anger out on him. He was pro ably trying to be discreet because as you said neither of you really know this man he was talking to. Have a chat with him but go easy.

I’m watching Story of Yanxi Palace (YouTube). So I’m bowing out of the thread for tonight but will probably pop in tomorrow to see if OP has forgiven or sent dp to the lions. Enjoy your drama.

Oh and to add, having been through similar situation myself I think I can gather what you used to do or the career you were in. It is rife with bullying and completely destroys people's mental health so please take care and get help if it gets too much. X

Oh and to add, having been through similar situation myself I think I can gather what you used to do or the career you were in. It is rife with bullying and completely destroys people's mental health so please take care and get help if it gets too much. X

That's good it's not just him, but you still need to talk to him asap or the anger you feel at the situation in general, which has been compounded by his mistake, will continue to consume you until you explode at him, and I fear that once you let rip, you won't be able to stop.

My father was terminated as CEO from a company he founded. I remember watching him have to put together the pieces of his ego afterwards. Part of that process is thinking through your own narrative—maybe even writing it out—so you can figure out how to account for it to others in a way that doesn’t destroy your own ego.

Your dp’s (stupid) statement must feel like a hole in a bsloon. You are inside the balloon and he just llet the air out casually, while you are trying to patch the tears and achieve some peace.

Ok that’s real and reasonable. Try to have a non destructive conversation with him about how you want to preserve privacy and control your story. This is a perfectly reasonable thing for you to ask especially if you know him to be garrulous or guileless. He may need some suggestions of things to say “I don’t realy know the ins and outs so you should ask her” is a good place to start.

Im afraid you sound really highly strung and trying to police your boyfriends conversations, telling him off in public is not on. I wonder if you are this sensitive and difficult, if that contributed to you being managed out of your job.

Ok, but it happened. The world hasn't stopped spinning on its axis, no one died. You still need to grieve and heal; this event won't prevent you from doing so, unless you prevent it from happening. This is the choice you have to make now. Yes, you could have done without this additional headache of this, but you are where you are.

Go and have a talk with your partner. It's likely he has also suffered seeing you suffer. You are a team, closing him off and shutting him out won't help.

You should probably apologise to your partner. Giving a brief overview of something that has dominated your life and probably hid for over a year and had resulted in them bumping into one another was perfectly socially acceptable.

You've massively overreacted and told him off in front of friends.

Having a bad time doesn't entitle you to act like a douche.

On the one hand OP you have every reason to be upset & to grieve the loss of a job you loved.

On the other hand focusing in on your partner & this ridiculous over reaction is making you sound absolutely neurotic. If you need help with counselling please go ahead & organise it before the whole situation escalates to the point of losing the man who has supported you for 18 months.

bloody hell OP, the fact that he’s mentioned this to a stranger in passing shows just how much it’s affected him. As you say he’s been great throughout, so do not underestimate the emotional toll it’s taken on him to see how much you are suffering and he’s tried his best to support. As others have said, you are massively overreacting (understandable due to circumstances) but you need to take a breath

You want to control what he says to random people in random social interactions. It has to be to your semantic liking or you will be consumed with rage.

You can't control him and you currently can't control yourself. You lashed out at him publicly over a remark that the person receiving it likely forgot a moment later. You've made this minor moment a hill to die on from the sounds of it. You've substituted that moment for your 18 months of shit at the job.

Will being angry and shitty to him bring you justice or any kind of compensation? No.

You're doing to him what was done to you.

Absolutely. Several PP have mentioned this.

Interesting that in all her replies, OP hasn’t once acknowledged that her behaviour was poor. She’s ignored every poster who pointed this out.

I remember once saying to an Accountant friend that he wasn’t an Accountant at the moment as he was unemployed. He was really thrown by that and said he felt that he was an Accountant regardless of his employment status. I realised then that professions are different to my own professional identity. I’m only a my job title if someone employs me to be one but I now understand that for teachers, nurses, architects etc. their professional identity isn’t dependent on this. I understood once it was explained. Perhaps you just need to have this same chat with your partner? If he does a different type of job to you it may not be obvious to him that you’d see it this way.

Thank you.

Yes, he can be both garrulous and guileless. He won't have meant any harm by it but he also doesn't always consider what he is saying or the impact or wisdom of it.

OP you are being unreasonable by having your identity so shaped by a job.