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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did he cross my boundaries despite saying he just got carried away?

149 replies

SofiaJessica4 · 18/07/2026 23:57

I'm a woman in my late 30s and have been dating a guy for a few weeks, and getting pretty close with lots of feelings involved. On our fifth date, he came to my home for dinner and we ended up in my lounge making out.

I'd explicitly stated before previously that I wanted to wait for sex, I'd said that on the day too, and when we started cuddling/kissing. I said I was open to messing around but no more. At one point he was touching me and I got quite overwhelmed, and had to stop as I was on the point of crying (I have some trauma around sex and sensory issues which he knows).

Around this time he took most of my clothes off, and I didn't understand why as sex was not on the table. Anyway, after I'd calmed down from my overwhelm episode, I gave him a hug, lying on top of him but not moving. I then realised he was trying to go for PIV by stealth without me knowing what was going on, when I got off him immediately. I was pretty shocked by what he was doing to be honest.

I'm not in contact with him now, but we had a discussion the next day and he said lines were blurred and he got carried away. He does have ADHD. I think he knew what he was doing and was chancing it. Especially as I'd been practically in tears 5 minutes earlier, I felt it was clear I didn't want to have sex but was happy to touch a bit but no more.

I find his attitudes around sex quite odd to be honest as he said he needs intimacy to "be reciprocal" ie we're either doing full sex, or nothing - but he didn't communicate this beforehand - and also he said some weird stuff about wanting sex 'to prove I liked him'.

I have autism and I get confused when words and actions misalign. His actions to me say, he's unsafe and he intended to cross my boundaries, but his words say different. Would appreciate some input as I'm getting stuck in my head on it. Obviously there's what I think happened, what he thinks and then reality, but the cognitive dissonance is real right now

OP posts:
ginasevern · 19/07/2026 11:21

@SofiaJessica4 "So I don't know what is 'normal' for ADHDers or for that matter neurotypical men"

They're both very capable of pushing their luck OP. It's what men do. Especially if you've had a hot and heavy petting session, and then end up naked on top of them.

MsPrufrockk · 19/07/2026 12:40

You're right, he's NOT safe, and you've made the right decision to stop seeing him. I'm sorry this happened to you x

Sparrowsandbudgies · 19/07/2026 12:52

I am saying this really kindly - as another woman who has autism- but if you have such issues around sex that it makes you cry maybe you need to completely step back from it for a while anyway? Sex should be pleasurable and make you happy. If you’re experiencing trauma / sensory overload etc that brings you to tears that’s a sign that it’s not right for you, and if it’s never right for you that’s fine too. I am 45 now and when I look back I think I spent far too many years of my life trying to appease and please men by having sex and sexual contact that I didn’t actually want.

HereIsWhatIKnow · 19/07/2026 13:02

He pushed it.
Do not see him again.
ADHD includes impulsivity but not trying to slip it into a woman who said No.
Awkward blokes or not, I think I'd rather date another aspie/autistic on the spectrum, who won't push their luck. Although I think the majority of men sadly do this, ND or not, so you have been lucky with your choice of long term partners. Colour me cynical.
You deserve someone who hears what you are saying rather than pretending to.

Hallywally · 19/07/2026 13:12

Having ADHD doesn’t make a man more likely to be a rapist or not understand consent, what a weak excuse and offensive to the many non-rapist ND men.

ScrollingLeaves · 19/07/2026 13:38

peaceatnight · 19/07/2026 09:06

This is not a safe man in either his words or actions. He is coercing you with his words ( that you need to have sex to prove you like him, that women don’t need to be believed when they want to have sex too early on). And with his actions, such as taking your clothes off when you are clear you don’t want sex, and after you have been crying.

You should be proud of yourself to maintaining your boundaries. Quite a few young women would feel so pressured and coerced that they would had sex they did not want. This may be why he says women say they don’t want sex early on but then do have sex. It’s because he did not accept their ‘No’ and kept pushing at their boundaries.

Do not see this man again. He doesn’t respect women and does not respect you.

Quite a few young women would feel so pressured and coerced that they would had sex they did not want. This may be why he says women say they don’t want sex early on but then do have sex. It’s because he did not accept their ‘No’ and kept pushing at their boundaries.

Just exactly what I thought.

It is anything but an excuse in reality.

ScrollingLeaves · 19/07/2026 13:40

Etheelle · 19/07/2026 09:07

There’s not a jury in the land that’d convict him if he’d raped you.

You need to reflect on your own actions and boundaries, for your own safety and wellbeing.

You are in law supposed to be able to withdraw consent at any stage.

Justanopinionnothingmore · 19/07/2026 13:49

Wtf does adhd have to do with this? Are we now being labeled as sex pests now too???

No he is a man who pushed your boundaries!

GoddammitPrincess · 19/07/2026 14:01

Dear god this thread has shocked me! It’s her fault as the man misunderstood as she was lying naked!!??

I always sleep naked and if partner tried to initiate sex and I don’t want it and say no. THEY STOP!

And we will spend the night both naked! Just because you’re naked doesn’t mean they have a right to sex because that’s what “men are like”. Only bad men are like this.

You are well rid OP. Block and move on.

mumumental · 19/07/2026 14:20

PinkEasterbunny · 19/07/2026 10:55

Be careful, I agreed with a comment like this a few hours ago, but it got deleted

Yes but I did make clear that his behaviour was not excusable. If it hadn’t been stopped it would have been rape. However to lie naked on top of him to “fool around “ probably wasn’t wise. That said, the thread is probably a reverse.

pikkumyy77 · 19/07/2026 14:23

SofiaJessica4 · 19/07/2026 00:43

@Lesina Im not crying rape. for one we didn't have sex. I think, and I've told him, that I believe he chanced it, and crossed a line. For me, it felt unsafe and I feel uncomfortable with what happened. I am trying to sort through if he meant to chance it, or if it was a genuine confusion. Perhaps it shouldn't matter to me, but somehow his intent does matter.

I would expect a discussion at a minimum around contraception before sleeping with someone and even possibly STI screening if it was without protection. So for me this situation was way out of my comfort zone.

It was unsafe and he is unsafe. Just end it. He will not change and suddenly respect your boundaries and needs.

MonicaMone · 19/07/2026 14:46

Terrible, I wouldn't see him again...

Mischance · 19/07/2026 15:16

Around this time he took most of my clothes off, and I didn't understand why as sex was not on the table.
If a man starts taking your clothes off against your wishes you send him packing.

Ooofbananas · 19/07/2026 16:02

Haven’t rtft but when you’re feeling a bit stronger, have a little reflection about that bout of sensory overwhelm you experienced.

I’m autistic and my body knows stuff before my brain, and particularly my social brain catches up. I’ve had moments like that with men, and particularly around sex and I very much thought it was a “me thing”.

But then I met dh, and not once, in 22 years has my body gone into a shutdown with him. When I think back, now, it’s so obvious to me that my body was warning me about the others.

In one of those situations, I was able to see, with therapy, years later that I was actually in the middle of a rape situation when the shutdown started. I had just missed some red flags that probably would have been obvious to others. I got a bit weird, tried to mask it, tried to be “ok”. He disregarded what we’d discussed, ignored my no’s, and then leveraged my awkwardness to take further advantage.

DH is just a different sort of person - a decent man who has never blurred any lines or tried to seduce me or push his luck. No means no, and he gets that completely. He’s not turned on by forcing himself on women. He loves consensual, mutually enjoyable sex.

Listen to your body op.

NewDogOwner · 19/07/2026 16:09

He is an unsafe person. Think carefully about how your clothes came off.

Pieandchips999 · 19/07/2026 18:23

What an awful situation made worse by how much blame and criticism on here you are getting for what was literally an attempted rape. ADHD is no excuse for that. He was trying to sneak in and do a sexual act you didn't consent to. He stopped because you caught him. His creepy suggestion that women often say no when they mean yes as well as his behaviour indicates he has form for this. I would not see him again and slow down the dating so you feel safe

dancehysterical22 · 19/07/2026 20:40

Esmeraldathe3rd · 19/07/2026 00:32

He undressed and tried to have sex with a crying woman that had told him she didn't want to have sex? Yup perfectly normal behaviour from a safe and decent man. 🤨

He has ADHD tho 🤷🤦🏻‍♀️

Victorius19 · 19/07/2026 20:51

OP it was far too soon to put yourself into a vulnerable position with him. And he's showed you that he can't be trusted. Please don't see him again, and when you meet someone else, go a lot slower. You don't know someone at all in 5 dates to be naked and vulnerable around them when you've had issues in the past.

Slow down, and enjoy getting to know someone before putting your trust in them.

ChristmasRager · 19/07/2026 20:52

You are definitely not overreacting

PyschodelicSoup · 19/07/2026 20:59

ScrollingLeaves · 19/07/2026 01:00

wanting sex 'to prove I liked him'

Make that remark the last remark of his you ever hear.

I had a relationship with a man who thought along these lines and had a similar scenario to yours. I ignored these red flags and very much regretted it given the relationship that followed. What you've described is not right or healthy and is a clear sign of who he is and how he thinks.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 23:22

GarlicEverywhere · 19/07/2026 05:53

He said something to me like "women often say they won't have sex early on, or 'I make a man wait' but then reality is different". I didn't know that was a thing.

I don't know whether this will make sense to you or, perhaps, feel like too much to take in. If I'm not explaining well, perhaps others will be better able.

What he's describing is simply that women sometimes change our minds. We're free to do so.

We can go from 'No sex' to 'Sex, please!' if we wish.
Importantly, we can also go from 'Yes, now' to 'No, stop'.

The person we're with has just the same rights. A change in consent should always be respected.

A lot of people - especially men - fail to recognise women's full agency. They see women as sexual gatekeepers. The man, in this framework, is trying to get sex from the woman. If she doesn't consent, it's because she wants something in return.

Maybe (he thinks) she wants dinner, a relationship, or just to make his life difficult by exerting power. The point is that he earns a right to penetrate her, and she should grant it as his reward.

The idea of a woman either wanting or not wanting sex - or sex with him, or at that time - features nowhere in this picture. She is merely a warm hole putting obstacles in his way.

Men who think like this have very little concept of female desire, let alone the real meaning of sexual consent - which is enthusiastic, ongoing participation.

As well as the phrases you've quoted above, they use terms like prick-tease, cock-blocker, mixed messages, and 'no means maybe'.

These are all low-key rapist expressions. They don't automatically mean the man is a rapist. But almost every rapist has used these terms to express his feelings that women somehow owe him access to their bodies.

Going forward, I'd advise using your words very clearly. If you can't find words at any point, take this as a sign of overwhelm and call a decisive halt to proceedings.

If you're with a man who uses any of these phrases, back off. They demonstrate a sense of entitlement to penetrative sex and, just as importantly, a lack of respect for female agency.

Edited

This is actually a really good point.

He said something to me like "women often say they won't have sex early on, or 'I make a man wait' but then reality is different". I didn't know that was a thing.

So, there's the "face value" meaning and the subtextual meaning. The face value, as Garlic explained, is that we can sometimes change our minds if we feel comfortable enough with someone.

The subtext is that he expects that you will change your mind. The hints, that I didn't spot on first reading, are "often" instead of "sometimes" and his failure to acknowledge that consent can also be revoked. His statement also exists within a misogynist culture in which women are demonised for wanting sex. In such a culture, a woman's "no" sometimes is a face-saving "playing hard to get" in order for her to have sex without being seen as promiscuous. This leads to men expecting no to mean "maybe" instead of taking it as the complete sentence and final answer that it should always be taken as. When Garlic talked about "no means maybe", it's this aspect rape culture that she's talking about.

The subtext makes that statement a red flag for any woman, and particularly an autistic woman who will communicate using the face values of words. It's all rather "I know you want it" from that Robin Thicke song and a man who acts like he knows your mind better than you do is a dangerous man.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 23:28

OneAmberGoose · 19/07/2026 08:31

She lay on top of the bloke… naked…! Surely it’s a clothes on and leave situation if she was so incredibly distressed?! Very blurred lines. I think OP needs to work out what she wants before putting herself into a situation like this again.

She wanted a hug after a meltdown. Do you think she was thinking about things like clothes at that time?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 23:29

Contrarymary30 · 19/07/2026 08:38

Women have agency . I don't need to tell them .

You and your husband are responsible for teaching your sons to respect women's decisions.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 23:39

Blondiebeachbabe · 19/07/2026 10:00

I'm sorry you are upset, and of course no should mean no. BUT...... I do wish women would stop being so naive about the nature of men, and how giving mixed signals will mean that the lines get blurred.

At the end of the day, you invited a man into your home and allowed him to remove all of your clothes, until you were naked. You also allowed him to touch you intimately. You may have been saying no to sex, but your actions looked like the game might be on, with you wanting to appear as if you were saying no, but getting carried away. The lines were so blurred that you couldn't even see them anymore. I would say that what he did next is no surprise to me, but maybe that's because I'm old and cynical?

Yes, you should be able to trust that a man would keep asking "can I?", at each step, but that's not how men are wired. It's like putting a fox into the chicken coup, and trusting that the fox won't try to eat the chicken, because you told him not to.

I love men, I have a lovely husband and a lovely son, but let's not kid ourselves - they are sexually wired in a very different way to women.

I would stop inviting men back to your home, stop getting naked with men until you are ready to have sex, and read The Scorpion and the Frog fairy tale.

I'm sure that some people will say that this is victim blaming, but the only way to keep yourself safe, is to not place yourself in harm's way. We shouldn't have to think like this, but as women, we absolutely must.

It's like putting a fox into the chicken coup, and trusting that the fox won't try to eat the chicken, because you told him not to.

Comparing men and women to foxes and chickens?

Any discussion of date rape always brings out the misandrists who think that men are animals with raging instincts and not human beings with agency.

I can testify that when a man doesn't want sex, wrapping yourself around him naked won't change his mind. They are not compelled by instinct to fuck any naked woman present and women are not responsible for men ignoring a no.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 23:41

Etheelle · 19/07/2026 10:09

What kind of a woman lays naked on top of a man who’s sexually aroused, when she doesn’t want to have sex?

If he’d raped her, he’d be in the wrong, of course, but there are many points at which she could have stopped the situation. OP has incredibly poor boundaries and judgement and as a result is feeling unhappy. For her own benefit she needs to stop acting so stupidly.

One who is upset and wants a hug whilst happening to already be naked?