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Relationships

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Did he cross my boundaries despite saying he just got carried away?

149 replies

SofiaJessica4 · 18/07/2026 23:57

I'm a woman in my late 30s and have been dating a guy for a few weeks, and getting pretty close with lots of feelings involved. On our fifth date, he came to my home for dinner and we ended up in my lounge making out.

I'd explicitly stated before previously that I wanted to wait for sex, I'd said that on the day too, and when we started cuddling/kissing. I said I was open to messing around but no more. At one point he was touching me and I got quite overwhelmed, and had to stop as I was on the point of crying (I have some trauma around sex and sensory issues which he knows).

Around this time he took most of my clothes off, and I didn't understand why as sex was not on the table. Anyway, after I'd calmed down from my overwhelm episode, I gave him a hug, lying on top of him but not moving. I then realised he was trying to go for PIV by stealth without me knowing what was going on, when I got off him immediately. I was pretty shocked by what he was doing to be honest.

I'm not in contact with him now, but we had a discussion the next day and he said lines were blurred and he got carried away. He does have ADHD. I think he knew what he was doing and was chancing it. Especially as I'd been practically in tears 5 minutes earlier, I felt it was clear I didn't want to have sex but was happy to touch a bit but no more.

I find his attitudes around sex quite odd to be honest as he said he needs intimacy to "be reciprocal" ie we're either doing full sex, or nothing - but he didn't communicate this beforehand - and also he said some weird stuff about wanting sex 'to prove I liked him'.

I have autism and I get confused when words and actions misalign. His actions to me say, he's unsafe and he intended to cross my boundaries, but his words say different. Would appreciate some input as I'm getting stuck in my head on it. Obviously there's what I think happened, what he thinks and then reality, but the cognitive dissonance is real right now

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 19/07/2026 02:59

You do not owe anyone sex for any reason. To me, that comment about sex to prove something is enough not to date this guy. On top of that you are not comfortable with what happened, and very understandably, too .
Don't see him again.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 03:07

OtterlyAstounding · 19/07/2026 02:49

He crossed boundaries, he's unsafe to be around, and he's not able to be trusted.

His reaction to you being triggered by trauma, and distressed, was to strip you naked and try to have sex with you, despite you clearly stating you weren't consenting to sex. Whether he got 'carried away' or not, he knew you were upset and non-consenting, and his reaction should have been concern and empathy, not the pursuit of his own sexual pleasure. It's also attempted rape. Don't see him again.

Entirely separately to that, while you do seem to have stated your boundaries clearly, I think you may need to work on actually holding them in the moment, to protect yourself against boundary-crossers like this man. Not because you should be blamed for his behaviour, or because you're at fault, but to help protect yourself against men like this.

You sound very passive, from what you've said. When he began to take your clothes off, why did you cooperate? If it was fear of how he'd react if you tried to stop him, I totally understand that and don't blame you at all – but if you were just confused and cooperative, then I think in future relationships it would be better to have a rule of 'no clothes off unless I choose to take them off' cemented in your head beforehand.

Him trying to take your clothes off when you were distressed should have instinctively pinged a red flag for you in your head, and the fact that it didn't means you need to deliberately establish that red flag connection. When you're distressed and triggered, a man should be blatantly retreating sexually, deescalating the situation and offering platonic comfort.

I'm sorry he behaved that way. Definitely don't see him again.

Him trying to take your clothes off when you were distressed should have instinctively pinged a red flag for you in your head, and the fact that it didn't means you need to deliberately establish that red flag connection.

Yeah, autism sucks in that respect.

  • When overwhelmed, we can lose awareness of what is happening physically. I've lost awareness of being thirsty, needing the loo, being hungry. Sometimes, I even stop breathing for a bit.
  • We spend our lives being forced to ignore feelings of discomfort caused by other people being present. We are sent to school when we know that we face bullying, even beatings, and are unable to articulate our fears at that age, so we learn that spending time around people who seek to hurt us is normal. We have to go to work despite public transport sometimes containing sexual harassers and more often containing the kind of people who treat ASBOs like medals of honour, and hence being a demon-infested hellscape for an autistic woman. When someone we should feel relaxed and safe around makes us feel afraid, that fear just feels like everyday normality. Especially when you consider that we often have to mask around our own families, so there aren't any people on earth other than pets that we feel truly relaxed and safe around.

When you're distressed and triggered, a man should be blatantly retreating sexually, deescalating the situation and offering platonic comfort.

Yes, this. This is what I was failing to articulate when I asked what kind of man takes your clothes off when you are crying.

MysteryParcel · 19/07/2026 03:37

OtterlyAstounding · 19/07/2026 02:49

He crossed boundaries, he's unsafe to be around, and he's not able to be trusted.

His reaction to you being triggered by trauma, and distressed, was to strip you naked and try to have sex with you, despite you clearly stating you weren't consenting to sex. Whether he got 'carried away' or not, he knew you were upset and non-consenting, and his reaction should have been concern and empathy, not the pursuit of his own sexual pleasure. It's also attempted rape. Don't see him again.

Entirely separately to that, while you do seem to have stated your boundaries clearly, I think you may need to work on actually holding them in the moment, to protect yourself against boundary-crossers like this man. Not because you should be blamed for his behaviour, or because you're at fault, but to help protect yourself against men like this.

You sound very passive, from what you've said. When he began to take your clothes off, why did you cooperate? If it was fear of how he'd react if you tried to stop him, I totally understand that and don't blame you at all – but if you were just confused and cooperative, then I think in future relationships it would be better to have a rule of 'no clothes off unless I choose to take them off' cemented in your head beforehand.

Him trying to take your clothes off when you were distressed should have instinctively pinged a red flag for you in your head, and the fact that it didn't means you need to deliberately establish that red flag connection. When you're distressed and triggered, a man should be blatantly retreating sexually, deescalating the situation and offering platonic comfort.

I'm sorry he behaved that way. Definitely don't see him again.

When you're distressed and triggered, a man should be blatantly retreating sexually, deescalating the situation and offering platonic comfort.

From what OP said he did though, she says:

Anyway, after I'd calmed down from my overwhelm episode, I gave him a hug, lying on top of him but not moving.

So it seems he had retreated and AFTER OP had calmed down (we don’t know how much time had elapsed or if it was apparent OP was still in distress), SHE then lay on top of him naked; to be honest I can see why he thought she might have been initiating things again. The fact OP felt comfortable enough to do that makes me think he did handle her episode well.

RoseField1 · 19/07/2026 04:48

SofiaJessica4 · 19/07/2026 02:16

@NuffSaidSam yes that's right when I said stop he did, this is where I'm confused about his actions, whether he was genuinely confused, or if knew he was knowingly crossing a boundary. He said something to me like "women often say they won't have sex early on, or 'I make a man wait' but then reality is different". I didn't know that was a thing. I have no idea how other women / and men - are as I've mostly only had relationships with autistic awkward men who would be too scared to push anything with anyone. So I don't know what is 'normal' for ADHDers or for that matter neurotypical men

Edited

Please stop connecting his behaviour to ADHD. It's quite offensive. He crossed your boundaries because he's a man who doesn't respect boundaries. Nothing to do with being ND.

RoseField1 · 19/07/2026 04:49

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 03:07

Him trying to take your clothes off when you were distressed should have instinctively pinged a red flag for you in your head, and the fact that it didn't means you need to deliberately establish that red flag connection.

Yeah, autism sucks in that respect.

  • When overwhelmed, we can lose awareness of what is happening physically. I've lost awareness of being thirsty, needing the loo, being hungry. Sometimes, I even stop breathing for a bit.
  • We spend our lives being forced to ignore feelings of discomfort caused by other people being present. We are sent to school when we know that we face bullying, even beatings, and are unable to articulate our fears at that age, so we learn that spending time around people who seek to hurt us is normal. We have to go to work despite public transport sometimes containing sexual harassers and more often containing the kind of people who treat ASBOs like medals of honour, and hence being a demon-infested hellscape for an autistic woman. When someone we should feel relaxed and safe around makes us feel afraid, that fear just feels like everyday normality. Especially when you consider that we often have to mask around our own families, so there aren't any people on earth other than pets that we feel truly relaxed and safe around.

When you're distressed and triggered, a man should be blatantly retreating sexually, deescalating the situation and offering platonic comfort.

Yes, this. This is what I was failing to articulate when I asked what kind of man takes your clothes off when you are crying.

She's said several times that the clothes did not come off while she was crying. Just pointing that out for accuracy.

Undercookedby10 · 19/07/2026 05:35

Contrarymary30 · 19/07/2026 00:15

I think you should not have let him take your clothes off or lay on top of him half naked . Very mixed messages from you . You probably should not see him again .

What the fuck is wrong with you? And women shouldn't wear short skirts because they're asking for it???

OtterlyAstounding · 19/07/2026 05:36

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/07/2026 03:07

Him trying to take your clothes off when you were distressed should have instinctively pinged a red flag for you in your head, and the fact that it didn't means you need to deliberately establish that red flag connection.

Yeah, autism sucks in that respect.

  • When overwhelmed, we can lose awareness of what is happening physically. I've lost awareness of being thirsty, needing the loo, being hungry. Sometimes, I even stop breathing for a bit.
  • We spend our lives being forced to ignore feelings of discomfort caused by other people being present. We are sent to school when we know that we face bullying, even beatings, and are unable to articulate our fears at that age, so we learn that spending time around people who seek to hurt us is normal. We have to go to work despite public transport sometimes containing sexual harassers and more often containing the kind of people who treat ASBOs like medals of honour, and hence being a demon-infested hellscape for an autistic woman. When someone we should feel relaxed and safe around makes us feel afraid, that fear just feels like everyday normality. Especially when you consider that we often have to mask around our own families, so there aren't any people on earth other than pets that we feel truly relaxed and safe around.

When you're distressed and triggered, a man should be blatantly retreating sexually, deescalating the situation and offering platonic comfort.

Yes, this. This is what I was failing to articulate when I asked what kind of man takes your clothes off when you are crying.

Absolutely – as someone with autism, I think it's why we need to establish these things in our heads consciously beforehand, otherwise we can be very 'deer in the headlights'. It's a minefield, really, and you sum it all up really well.

OtterlyAstounding · 19/07/2026 05:43

MysteryParcel · 19/07/2026 03:37

When you're distressed and triggered, a man should be blatantly retreating sexually, deescalating the situation and offering platonic comfort.

From what OP said he did though, she says:

Anyway, after I'd calmed down from my overwhelm episode, I gave him a hug, lying on top of him but not moving.

So it seems he had retreated and AFTER OP had calmed down (we don’t know how much time had elapsed or if it was apparent OP was still in distress), SHE then lay on top of him naked; to be honest I can see why he thought she might have been initiating things again. The fact OP felt comfortable enough to do that makes me think he did handle her episode well.

Edited

Ah, right, I missed that! Thanks for the correction.

That's possible (that he handled it well), or it's possible that due to her trauma reaction, she was still just in a very passive state. It's hard to know.

I agree that if she was actively participating in the process of getting naked and chose to lie on top of him, then it wasn't unreasonable for him to think that it was okay to resume sexual touching and kissing... but NOT penetrative sex, as she had explicitly told him that was off the table. If he wanted to escalate to that, then he needed to verbally ASK for consent.

GarlicEverywhere · 19/07/2026 05:53

SofiaJessica4 · 19/07/2026 02:16

@NuffSaidSam yes that's right when I said stop he did, this is where I'm confused about his actions, whether he was genuinely confused, or if knew he was knowingly crossing a boundary. He said something to me like "women often say they won't have sex early on, or 'I make a man wait' but then reality is different". I didn't know that was a thing. I have no idea how other women / and men - are as I've mostly only had relationships with autistic awkward men who would be too scared to push anything with anyone. So I don't know what is 'normal' for ADHDers or for that matter neurotypical men

Edited

He said something to me like "women often say they won't have sex early on, or 'I make a man wait' but then reality is different". I didn't know that was a thing.

I don't know whether this will make sense to you or, perhaps, feel like too much to take in. If I'm not explaining well, perhaps others will be better able.

What he's describing is simply that women sometimes change our minds. We're free to do so.

We can go from 'No sex' to 'Sex, please!' if we wish.
Importantly, we can also go from 'Yes, now' to 'No, stop'.

The person we're with has just the same rights. A change in consent should always be respected.

A lot of people - especially men - fail to recognise women's full agency. They see women as sexual gatekeepers. The man, in this framework, is trying to get sex from the woman. If she doesn't consent, it's because she wants something in return.

Maybe (he thinks) she wants dinner, a relationship, or just to make his life difficult by exerting power. The point is that he earns a right to penetrate her, and she should grant it as his reward.

The idea of a woman either wanting or not wanting sex - or sex with him, or at that time - features nowhere in this picture. She is merely a warm hole putting obstacles in his way.

Men who think like this have very little concept of female desire, let alone the real meaning of sexual consent - which is enthusiastic, ongoing participation.

As well as the phrases you've quoted above, they use terms like prick-tease, cock-blocker, mixed messages, and 'no means maybe'.

These are all low-key rapist expressions. They don't automatically mean the man is a rapist. But almost every rapist has used these terms to express his feelings that women somehow owe him access to their bodies.

Going forward, I'd advise using your words very clearly. If you can't find words at any point, take this as a sign of overwhelm and call a decisive halt to proceedings.

If you're with a man who uses any of these phrases, back off. They demonstrate a sense of entitlement to penetrative sex and, just as importantly, a lack of respect for female agency.

ChalkOutlines · 19/07/2026 06:18

His actions and words do align though. Both are drip , drip , drip towards the same goal. His comments about having sex to prove you like them, women say no but don’t mean it etc. are all about boundary pushing. Just like his actions.

Esmeraldathe3rd · 19/07/2026 07:57

This reply has been deleted

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Spotted the man.
Not fighting back while you're in a distressed state is not consent.
Consent has to be ENTHUSIASTIC. Not an absence of "no". despite that, she had said no. Clearly. Multiple time. She had said she did not want to have sex. Then she became distressed and wasn't able to assert her boundaries. The no still stands. He crossed boundaries he knew.

If someone says they don't want to have sex with you, then they get drunk and allow you to have sex with them. You've raped them. They said no when they were able to make the decision. Just because they didn't fight you off when they were incapacitated doesn't mean they consented. It means you took advantage of a woman unable to defend herself and raped her. Even if she was still conscious, even if she participated, a drunk yes does not change a sober no. Silence does not change a no. Especially when the person is in a distressed state.

Most women don't fight back during rape. Either they're unable to or they're too afraid to. So they "allow" the rape. It's still rape.

And men know this. It's easy. But their entitlement to sex is so much more important. It's not rape if she can't prove it right.

hahabahbag · 19/07/2026 08:03

As grown adults it’s common to go further than originally planned, but you do need to not only say no but not continue behaviour that could be misconstrued as consent. In the future with another relationship do not allow clothes to be removed, and actually I would not be doing dates in your home at that stage until you are more comfortable - I only invited my now dh to my home when I was ready

Esmeraldathe3rd · 19/07/2026 08:03

SofiaJessica4 · 19/07/2026 02:16

@NuffSaidSam yes that's right when I said stop he did, this is where I'm confused about his actions, whether he was genuinely confused, or if knew he was knowingly crossing a boundary. He said something to me like "women often say they won't have sex early on, or 'I make a man wait' but then reality is different". I didn't know that was a thing. I have no idea how other women / and men - are as I've mostly only had relationships with autistic awkward men who would be too scared to push anything with anyone. So I don't know what is 'normal' for ADHDers or for that matter neurotypical men

Edited

If I was quietly taking money out of your purse, but stopped when you caught me. Was I still trying to steal from you? If you hadn't stopped me would I have stolen from you? Would that have been ok?

PinkEasterbunny · 19/07/2026 08:06

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Absolutely this.

FrenchBunionSoup · 19/07/2026 08:11

To me, someone saying they don't want sex but is "open to messing around" means everything short of full sex, including being naked, oral, rubbing angainst each other etc. I would definitely not use that phrase again if you want to set a clear and different boundary.

I am not entirely clear from what you have written as to whether he was actually trying to insert himself (which would be over the boundary that you set), or was rubbing his penis against your vulva (which is still within what I would understand by messing around).

But either way, you definitely shouldn't see each other again.

Chocolateteapot8 · 19/07/2026 08:14

The victim blaming on this thread is disgusting.

Thundertoast · 19/07/2026 08:19

SofiaJessica4 · 19/07/2026 00:43

@Lesina Im not crying rape. for one we didn't have sex. I think, and I've told him, that I believe he chanced it, and crossed a line. For me, it felt unsafe and I feel uncomfortable with what happened. I am trying to sort through if he meant to chance it, or if it was a genuine confusion. Perhaps it shouldn't matter to me, but somehow his intent does matter.

I would expect a discussion at a minimum around contraception before sleeping with someone and even possibly STI screening if it was without protection. So for me this situation was way out of my comfort zone.

Just want to say one thing here - for future reference, when its someone you have just met and are casually dating, you should keep using barrier contraception until the relationship is serious and you know them s lot better. Its not safe to trust someone you've only known a few weeks and arent monogamous with, even if they do say they have been screened, as they could be clean at last test, but sleeping with other people and pick up an STI while things progress. People do lie about this and its good to stay cautious. Any good person would understand.

ChocolateBiscuitsandaCuppa · 19/07/2026 08:19

Chocolateteapot8 · 19/07/2026 08:14

The victim blaming on this thread is disgusting.

It really is.

The number of people downplaying attempted rape, and CLEAR violation of clearly stated boundaries is mind-blowing. Not just @Lesina whose comments are repugnant.

OP - you did nothing wrong. Ignore anyone who says lines were blurred on both sides. You consented to what you consented to and no more. You were very clear that you did not want sex. He CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE to ignore that, cross your boundaries and then try and blame you.

Run far, far from this 'man'.

daisychain01 · 19/07/2026 08:24

ScrollingLeaves · 19/07/2026 01:31

Lying on top of him naked was a bad idea and blurred boundaries.,

You are missing the part where she said no sex though. No is no is no.

The point is that the OPs words and actions in that situation did not align. When words and actions are contradictory, it makes the situation very open to misinterpretation.

the OP has hopefully parted company from this man, but has hopefully gained insights from the situation as well, which is not to put herself in a situation that's so open to misinterpretation that a man uses it to his advantage.

we as adult women must always own and prioritise our personal safety and not totally rely on men to rescue us from danger because we know most of them won't. That's reality.

hididdlyho · 19/07/2026 08:28

He's a scumbag. You told him you didn't want sex ahead of anything happening, yet he took your clothes off when you were upset and asked to stop. You've told him you have trauma around sex, yet he still thought his behaviour was appropriate. He thought he could coerce you into having sex and didn't think to ask whether you'd changed your mind because presumably he knew your answer would be still be that you didn't want penetrative sex. Sadly some men (but thankfully not all) are like this.

It's sad how low some set the bar for a man's behaviour. If he can't control himself, why is he taking a woman's clothes off, when she's told him she doesn't consent to sex and has stopped reciprocating because she's upset? He's capable of taking himself off to the bathroom to sort himself out, rather than attempt to rape a woman. A decent man wouldn't even risk acting in a way which could blur the boundaries. If you genuinely care about someone and aren't just looking to get your end away, you'd be checking in with your partner that they're comfortable.

Speakeasier · 19/07/2026 08:30

@lesina Oh stop it. The OP is perfectly entitled to work through her feelings and get advice. And you don’t get to lay out some hierarchy of SA or blur the lines of consent. That’s what leads to rapists getting off: oh she was wearing a short skirt, made out with me, didn’t push him away. Yada, yada, yada.

Absolutely no way. You can be naked in bed with someone as a married woman and it doesn’t give your partner the right to have sex with you at will.

Having said that to protect yourself from men like this OP it’s really important to set your boundaries very clearly. If you feel uncomfortable being naked with him then don’t let him remove your clothes. Not because it’s implied consent but because some men are untrustworthy and will try and manipulate you into sex.

Never see him again. Someone who pushes boundaries will always push them in myriad ways.

OneAmberGoose · 19/07/2026 08:31

Undercookedby10 · 19/07/2026 05:35

What the fuck is wrong with you? And women shouldn't wear short skirts because they're asking for it???

Edited

She lay on top of the bloke… naked…! Surely it’s a clothes on and leave situation if she was so incredibly distressed?! Very blurred lines. I think OP needs to work out what she wants before putting herself into a situation like this again.

letsdoitforaweek · 19/07/2026 08:33

OP have you had counselling about your trauma? Before I healed from child SA I had a lot of fear and would let boys do anything they wanted to me.

I was scared of violence if I resisted, and also dissociated mentally, sort of went into an "off-line" state where I wasn't fully present in myself. I had absolutely no idea how to stop them, what I actually wanted (usually not to be touched at all), or that I was allowed to say no or how to do that.

Please do search for all the support you need, with the goal of being able to "stay with yourself" completely in these situations.

Contrarymary30 · 19/07/2026 08:38

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/07/2026 00:43

Then please tell them that when a woman says ‘no’ then it means ‘no’.

And not to undress crying/distressed women and confuse them.

Women have agency . I don't need to tell them .

AltitudeCheck · 19/07/2026 08:42

I think he chose to read the actions, clothes off and naked hugging, as a signal you wanted (or might be willing to be persuaded to do) more and yet ignored the very clear verbal message you had repeatedly given.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of men would do the same given their default is to want/ expect sex and to read and interpret 'yes' signals much more readily than 'no' signals. Even now, the idea that women and playing 'hard to get' or need persuading persists.