Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

At 4 months it's supposed to be fun, exciting, butterflies, absolutely no way kids meeting/involved etc this sounds like way too much drama! I wouldn't advise you to walk....I'm telling you to run!

Come on now, who can be dealing with that much drama after that amount of time. The wanting to meet your children so soon would of been a big red flag for me. He's trying to rush into a committed relationship. This is supposed to be the fun stage not the is he a fucking lunatic stage.

Tell him you're not ready for a relationship and that he's not to contact you, that you need to work on some stuff about yourself. Then he's got no reason to fire back at you, wish him luck and delete him.

He's not the one!!! Good luck

Run like fuck.

If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.

Do you know whether this is true? It could be that he uses this excuse to justify his controlling behaviour . Also when he says he is anxious I would substitute the word enraged. I think anxiety (bad as it is) downplays his true feelings. Please let us know how you get on OP, I am worried for you.

personally run,

OP made a Claire’s Law request on 8th July.

Personally I think if someone feels the need to make a Claire's law request, then the relationship is already dead and buried due to the suspicions, etc.

Absolute bollocks.

You have minimized a ton of red flags really early on in this relationship. But the good point is you kind of see that you've lessened them and dismissed them and recognize his behaviours as potentially problematic and unhealthy. And you got proactive about those red flags when you put in your Clare's Law request. Here's a partial list of red flags I see right off and some of them are absolute deal breakers.

Red flag: still married, lives in shed at marital home. This is where you don't see him again.

Red flag: went to a course for domestic abusers. This hell no, you never see him again.

Red flag: high conflict ex. Do you want to bring his conflicts into your home with your children? The answer should be no.

Red Flag: wants relationship to move quickly. He's looking to cocklodge at yours.

Red flag: he wants your kids to meet way too quickly. He's not thinking what's best for your kids and his, he's looking to cocklodge. This would not be good for your kids. Your oldest already doesn't like him. This is a dump him too.

Red flag: jealous and trying to interfere with your co-parenting relationship. That's none of his business so early on. Another dump him.

Red flag: his attitude towards his older son. Not your issue at this point, but would be if you continued to see him.

Run to the hills as fast as you can

You've come to the right conclusion OP. Just the dungarees thing is enough to dump him, he sees you as a possession and his overall attitudes are unhealthy.

I hadn’t read this far but was already going to say run. But do it carefully. Be prepared for him to turn nasty. Have a plan in place.

I'm sorry my lovely but this is why he lives in a cabin in the garden.

You can do, and deserve so much better - good luck.

Please take care , your account sounds more like reasons for divorce than a new relationship . Perhaps your ex has an opinion .

@Etoile1 if you have to put in a Clare's Law request when only four months in then use your head. It is, and never will be, a good, decent, kind, mutually supportive relationship. Stop twisting everything around trying to convince yourself nobody is that bad, despite the very full prisons and courts which say otherwise.

Get yourself some therapy to find out why you have accepted such shit to be in your life. Your self esteem is nonexistent and you really need it since you have children to protect. Do the Freedom Programme, contact Women's Aid, speak to your GP for help, and ask the Police how you can get away from this man safely.

Then follow their advice explicitly.

CAN'T SAY THIS LOUD ENOUGH:

YOU CANT ATTEND A DV PERPETRATOR COURSE UNLESS YOU ACKNOWLEDGE YOURE A PERPETRATOR!!

Please end this now

You know what you must do, just do it. It won’t be easy getting rid of him.

If you are anxious about ending it now, it will get much worse if you delay. End it, and fast - is there anyne who you can call on for support and help?

Why do women look inwards when they think someone else's behaviour is off? 'I'm peri - I may be blowing this out of proportion'. Trust your instincts. Red flags all over the place. Men do not go on domestic violence courses because their victim asked them to. The contact with your ex 'is hurtful to the boyfriend, you need to think about it and apologise', that's putting it all on you, blaming you, already trying to distance you from family.
You know this is red flags. Protect yourself and your family before this escalates and well done for recognising it early on before it gets worse.

One more comment....if you think you want to stay together with him...do a Claire's Law request first. But really...just run!

Hes been on a domestic violence perpetrator course. You can only do those by court order or via a charity if you admit to being a perpetrator.

Thats not ADHD or any ND, its not a mental health issue or any other excuse hes making. When a man says I completed a domestic violence perpetrator course - thats the end of the discussion, the relationship and any association.

I bet you do. He is fixated on you and I suspect you will be danger if you break up with him. You need to take advice.

End this ' relationship ' asap. This man is a disaster looking for somewhere to happen.

Yikes!!!
You know what you’ve got to do for yourself and your children - this guy is trouble with a capital T !! 🚩 🚩🚩

Run fast. And run as if your childrens safety was at risk. Because it is as well as yours.