Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

It's not too late to get out of this. Juat say you're getting back with the ex.

I do feel worried about what to say yes

Dump. You will need to be very clear and firm that it is over. Don't get into a discussion. I would tell him over the phone, not in person. I would not then respond to any phone calls, texts but I wouldn't block because I fear you may need them as evidence of harassment. It might be worth doing a Clare's Law request at this stage so that the police are aware and you will get a swift response if you need them. I hope none of this is necessary, but be prepared. Take care and good luck.

Run a mile!!

"If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat."

Never, ever stay with someone who thinks like this. This is absolutely the start of controlling behaviour and it only gets worse. He wants you to shrink your world so he is the centre of your world and you have no other friends or interests away from him, and is he prepared to emotionally blackmail you now to start this process. He will chip away at you, but by bit. ONce he has his claws into you, he will eventually bully, shame and intimidate you to get what he wants.

Also this "Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids." is fucking ridiculous and he should be ashamed of himself for saying it. Don't brush it under the carpet, surely you would never dream of saying something like this to someone,

Men like this will drive your friends away as you're so ashamed of his behaviour, or because he just makes is such hard work to see them as you then have to deal with his sulking and nonsense.

Men like this stop you being able to enjoy the simple things in life as you'll be contantly aware that he'll be unhappy that you're not in contact with him, or dealing with constant texts accusing you of cheating because you have dared to meet a friend in the cafe for a coffee.

What he's doing at the moment is compliance, testing, seeing what you'll put up with. He'll keep on pushing and pushing.

There is no winning, there is no level of understanding that will help. He is a toxic abusive prick. Please save yourself a world of hearbreak and run.

Have you done a Clare's Law request with the police? I would strongly suggest doing this, and at the same time making them aware that you are leaving a man who you know has had to do a course for DV before.

Get rid immediately. You don't need this idiot in your life you are worth so much more x

In a normal relationship, there is the idea that you need to do breaking up face to face. Believing in this kept me with my abusive ex for much longer than I needed to be.

With an abusive man, text or phone is absolutely fine. Your safety is the priority. You don't need to tell him the truth. But you do need to be clear with him that it's definitely over.

Don't let him emoptionally blackmail you into meeting him, or anything else he might try to say you owe him.

If he won't leave you alone, send him a message that's clear that you don't want any more contact. If he keeps on contacting you after that, then you can tell the police he's harassing you.

Don't delay on getting the police involved if he doesn't leave you alone. They have much better understanding of DV these days and are there to help you stand up to pricks like him.

That was my first thought claire law request.
You know there are multiple red flags in such a short space of time and your gut it telling you to be concerned....listen to your intuition.

I am generally a people pleasing person and find confrontation hard.

Yes, me too. And these pricks prey on our good nature, it makes us very vulnerbale to them. I've had to learn some bourndaries. Some counselling could be helpful to address this.

You need to get out of this now.

Please don’t worry, you clearly are seeing this situation for what it is otherwise you wouldn’t have posted for some advice or be even questioning this type of behaviour, go with your instinct, it’s rarely wrong.

Don’t question yourself about your own perimenopause, you’ve made all the right judgements and noted all of these behaviours for a reason.

Now to safely move on, look after yourself and the kids and I just want to say your relationship with the ex sounds great, a great co-parenting relationship and I’d be very grateful for being able to remain amicable too. Take all the blessings, there seems to be many, remain positive and strong, you’ve got this.

You know you need to end this controlling situation. This isn't a relationship and you're staying because you don't want to be on your own or you think if you give him a chance he will change... People like this don't change. This is who he is and it isn't healthy for you. Just end it now before you're in a situation where you feel like you can't.

It’s a short relationship, I would end it by text and block him.

This is so scary. But you are so lucky you have picked up on it early on in the relationship. Others are right, this is how a coercive controlling relationship starts.
Now is the time for you to begin planning how to express yourself to end this relationship

I am sure there are people in this chat that could help you to find the right works

This is the start of his controlling by the sound of it …

Does he have a key to your house? If so have the locks changed before you end if. I would then end it when you can arrange someone to be with you that first night, even if it’s your ex husband. Do it by text and then block on him very means possible. Because of that he may turn up to your house or work so be prepared. This sounds awful to be honest

Wait for the Claire’s law, and then contact women’s aid to tell them the details and ask for help making a plan to leave 💐

Run.. As fast as you can.

Oh actually that’s a good point about not blocking incase you need proof of harassment, I didn’t think of that.

This!!!! Run whilst it is still early days, he’s trying to move in.

Head for the hills girlfriend

He's telling you very loud and clearly exactly who he is, so listen to him.
Even if he's not a 'bad' person or abuser, he clearly has a LOT of issues he needs to deal with, and shouldn't be in a relationship until he's got a handle on it, been to therapy etc.

To present all those examples after only 4 months tells me there's been more strife than pleasant experiences in the relationship so far.

I have learned so much from mumsnet and these sorts of posts. Really appreciate them and has helped me give advice irl.
In the past (and when i was young), we would have thought this sort of behaviour was a type of caring... so much i never knew and blamed myself for the man's behaviour. Grateful for what we now understand and how well we are reminded on mumsnet x

Even if clare's law comes back with nothing you should run far and run fast

Yes many many red flags here. You’ve seen them. Don’t ignore them. Ignoring them and excusing them was my biggest mistake. I fell for the lines about how insecure I was making Him and how it was my behaviour that was causing the problems. The good times get fewer and the controlling behaviour gets worse the longer it goes on. He’s actually shown glimpses of his true self fairly early on which is a blessing because sometimes they don’t show until after he’s moved in making a split even harder. Get out now while you’re still thinking straight and you haven’t entwined your lives too much.

Run for the hills.

Do a Clare's Law disclosure first in case you need help to leave safely.