How important is marriage if you're older and won't be having any kids together?

[Writer034]

DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. We don't live in one house, but spend 4 nights a week together, sometimes more. I have two teenage DC who adore him and he's brilliant with them. He has 3 adult DC — two live away and I have no relationship with them (their choice), one lives with him and we get on very well; she'll likely move out in a year or so.

DP has said he assumes we'll live together at some point. But he's also made clear that, after a marriage where he was cheated on and lost half of everything in the divorce, he's not looking to marry again.

He contributes to my household financially via a monthly standing order, cooks and buys food when he's here, and is generally very generous — he pays for everything when it's just him and me (holidays, meals out, weekends away), and we tend to split in half when my DC are with us, though he'll often still pick up the bill. He's generous with my friends, has paid for various things for my kids, and is always mega thoughtful for birthdays/Christmas. I mention the money side purely to show he's not tight (because I know that £££ will be seen as the main cause here, most likely) — quite the opposite. He's not rich, but he's risen further in his career so has more income and assets than me. He's 10 years older.

He's a high-quality partner in more ways than I can explain - romantic, loving, supportive, pleasant temperament (in a world full of angry men!). Just a gorgeous character all round. I'm madly in love with him, in a way you'd absolutely never expect at my age (51). I struggle to imagine being without him and day to day, I know I can count on him, whether it's remembering something small I mentioned once, or collecting my daughter from a school trip at midnight.

And yet. The fact he won't marry me is never far from my mind. It's not that I necessarily want a married life, as having some space is actually quite nice — but I struggle with him not wanting me for a wife, and I think it would be a dealbreaker for him if I pushed. I've said I'd sign a prenup because I'm not after his assets whatsoever (and I'd love him the same even if he didn't have a penny), but he insists it isn't about money (he's not planning to leave his kids anything, he expects to spend it in retirement). He just doesn't believe in marriage anymore, thinks it's outdated for people our age, and swears he's fully committed to my kids and me long-term.

How important is marriage, really, at this stage of life? Why does the principle bother me so much (ok you can't answer that, but I'd like your thoughts)? Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to be in a relationship with a man who won't marry me, even knowing I will probably not find this kind of love again. Am I totally insane, and if so, how do I talk myself out to leaving/losing such a good thing that means the world to me?

Don't do it. Men often disappoint and marriage ties you financially to a person.

I think it’s totally fine. Though if you make it to your twilight years you might want to reconsider for tax purposes

marriage is for planning a financial future and providing an economic framework for launching shared children.

Your primary financial ties are to your respective children, not one another. You can have a happy romantic relationship without forming an economic partnership.

aka, you shouldn’t get married because it messes with inheritance for your children.

How important is marriage, really, at this stage of life?

Unimportant. In your circumstances, there are more arguments against it than for.

Why does the principle bother me so much?

Don't know. Does it represent true commitment to you? You've both made that 'true commitment' before, with known results. I've made it twice! As my friends pointed out, the second was a triumph of hope over experience.

You clearly do need to unpick what marriage means to you, which togetherness does not. Try a therapist if you can't get anywhere with friends or by yourself.

The only reason I can see to get married is to have a next of kin, and give your dp some say over what happens when you die. Or vice versa. But that's only really an issue if your family or his are arseholes (sounds like you might have trouble with his kids?).

Inheritance tax is another, if that's your vibe. Personally I don't care about inheritance tax (no kids for me, and dp will never hit IHT territory anyway).

My dp probably would, but I don't even want to move in together, which seems to make him sad. But living together would definitely make us both sad!

I'm not interested in getting married again but I wasn't particularly interested in getting married the first time (in the nicest possible way).

I am lucky though as I had the most amazing relationship that was perfect on every level. I didn't feel the need to have a marriage certificate/piece of paper binding us together; We were together because we wanted to be together - that was enough for me as every element of our relationship was fulfilled.

So you are sort of in the opposite position to what I was. He wanted to marry, I didn't feel the need to. He is 21 years older than I and just felt he wanted to introduce me to people as his Wife not Partner in the most part.

You write about him so lovingly that he's obviously a keeper! It works! You're obviously in a good place. Don't walk away over a piece of paper. You have to remember that if he had so much hassle from his first marriage, he is going to be cautious isn't he? He's been open and upfront on it all - that's all you can ask for.

It's refreshing to read it's going so well. I only ever seem to read about how relationships have turned into brother/sister/housemate situations, arguments, sly comments, no laughter etc etc.

You have the 'full' relationship package now.

Now go and enjoy each other! 🥰

I have been happily UNmarried to a lovely man about 10 years younger for over 35 years. He has never been married, I am divorced with two now adult children.

We are not well off, but comfortable and we love each other dearly.

He has never wanted to be married and I did not want to marry before retirement age because I would have lost the pension entitlement I earned when married to my ex if I had done so. (I was a SAHM for some of the time).
I made sure I didn't accidentally get pregnant at the beginning by getting sterilised, as I wanted to do the best for my teenage DC.
Not being married has never mattered to either of us and we have had a happy, loving and fulfilling relationship which will last, I am certain, till one of us dies. I tell everyone we've been "living in sin" for 35 years!!😁
He takes wonderful care of me and I try to do the same for him. My children love him, treat him as family and are glad he takes care of me. I have always kept on good terms with their father,and there is no friction there.
If you are not planning children together, you do not need to marry to be completely comitted to each other!

He is right

I'm in much the same situation as you - happily in a relationship with a lovely man. He's kind and gentle, thoughtful, considerate, generous, loving and a generally Good Egg. We don't live together. He also doesn't want to get married. But I don't either. I think that often it can be the kiss of death to a relationship. I can feel the walls closing in. There's no mystery left, you've reached the end of the road. I'm quite happy as we are. If it ain't broke...

Why do you want to get married?

I am in a wonderful relationship -we live about a mile apart and intend to be together permanently but we won’t marry. No point as we are too old to have kids together (I absolutely would have love to have met him younger when we could have!). Both have grown up kids. Marriage/sharing one house would make it messy with inheritance. We have a wonderful life and don’t need to change it.

And more often than not the woman ends up doing more than her fair share of household chores. A lot of men just want a maid of all work/mum replacement to look after them.

I can understand why you feel this way, OP. Obviously, there are lots of disadvantages to marriage when you have children from a previous marriage, thinking here about inheritance.

But when someone can think of nothing better than to marry you, well it's that feeling of being chosen, of them making a public commitment to you. There's a feeling of certainty and permanence (which may well be illusory!) that there perhaps isn't in your situation currently.

We married after living together for decades . We jointly owned our home , we have a joint bank a/c plus our own bank a/cs . He earns more then me and contributes more ( bill wise I pay just the council tax ) he pays for everything else including the food bill
We don't have any joint children , but both have adult children from previous marriages .
We married purely for my financial benefit when it comes to his pension and now inheritance tax being bought into it for non spouses / non relative etc plus as we aged it just seemed to make more sense .

There's something so much more romantic about being unmarried i feel.
It means anyone can walk away any time and disappear overnight. It means you are actively chosen.
People stay married for decades meanwhile because they cant face the financial and administrative fallout

I’m in a similar position but older. Struggling with the fact that:

If I was at death’s door, hospital staff wouldn’t recognise him as NOK. Feasibly, they could restrict his access to see me. Most certainly, he wouldn’t be able to make decisions about my treatment.

He would not get any of my pension if I died. My children, as non-dependents, wouldn't either. There’s no pension nomination I can make which would pay out to him despite being together for 14 years as it only pays out to civil partner or husband (thanks TPS).

I want to be able to protect my children’s assets whilst also allowing the above. It doesn’t seem possible.

There is not a person on this earth that could convince me to marry them because I’m fundamentally opposed to the institution of marriage. It’s not personal to anyone. It’s a legal contract, societal brainwashing has convinced you it’s the pinnacle of romance rather than something that used to be about ownership of women. Him not wanting to marry doesn’t mean anything about his feelings towards you, it means he doesn’t want to enter into the legal arrangement of marriage, with anyone.

It’s just a financial contract so you have to work out if it’s of benefit or not.

Most of the benefit comes after death so there is no inheritance tax between spouses.

have you spoken to a solicitor about this?

No divorce financial settlement is 100% in favour of one person so he’s not truthful about that! Marriage, at the moment, means automatic rights for big decisions in life - eg health and money. This might change of course. Wills would need careful writing and how you share possessions.

I am planning on getting married in the next couple of years. I want the financial security and commitment. I am nearly 50 for context and have my own money. He has the same. I would leave him if he didn't want to marry. It's very important to me. I am not going to buy houses and live the rest of my life with someone who doesnt want to make that commitment to me.

Let's look at a risk of you do get married. You die first, he inherits your assets, not your children and then when he passes he will everything to his own kids and your kids get nothing. Given you are both financially independent you have no need to get married. You're safer not getting married.

Or you could write a will to say specifically how you want your assets divided to stop that automatically happening.

I’m in a very similar situation, and similar age as you. My DP truly is a good man who cherishes me and we have a lovely, lovely relationship…we’re blessed. However, sometimes I do get a little down that he doesn’t want me to be his wife. But he doesn’t want any wife! So it’s not that he feels I’m not good enough, or doesn’t love me enough or isn’t committed enough (I generally used to start thinking like this before a period was due, now it happens so much less). Sometimes I do worry about things like doctors not talking to me if he was seriously ill in hospital (his daughter would not share information with me but is next of kin) and that’s very painful to contemplate.

All any of us can do is appreciate the moment we are in right now, life is so short and finding someone you truly gel with is rare…you need to do some deep soul-searching to work out if what you have is enough.

It’s very dependant on financial circumstances. My neighbours sister has just married after 45 years together for inheritance tax reasons, they do have shared children and no other children, that I feel was a legitimate reason

My sister remarried after being widowed. Her exact circumstances mean asset wise she is far better off than her new DH but pension wise hers is pretty rubbish but his is excellent. The way she has set up her will means her children will be waiting for inheritance if there is any if he outlives her. He has already given half his assets to his children from the proceeds of selling his property. She married him for his pension, her opening line on the phone to me was was ‘Bill’ and I are getting married, I’m not doing it for his pension. Reminded me of my old Uni housemate who would announce she was not getting drunk and then always proceeded to get wasted.

I would never remarry if I ended up alone, it’s all about protecting DS inheritance. It is all about money for me. I do sometimes think people hanker after marriage still even at great ages if they haven’t been in a good one. I am in a good one, I hope one of us just drops dead at some point and it’s not spoilt by some horrific upset like an affair.