How important is marriage if you're older and won't be having any kids together?

[Writer034]

DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. We don't live in one house, but spend 4 nights a week together, sometimes more. I have two teenage DC who adore him and he's brilliant with them. He has 3 adult DC — two live away and I have no relationship with them (their choice), one lives with him and we get on very well; she'll likely move out in a year or so.

DP has said he assumes we'll live together at some point. But he's also made clear that, after a marriage where he was cheated on and lost half of everything in the divorce, he's not looking to marry again.

He contributes to my household financially via a monthly standing order, cooks and buys food when he's here, and is generally very generous — he pays for everything when it's just him and me (holidays, meals out, weekends away), and we tend to split in half when my DC are with us, though he'll often still pick up the bill. He's generous with my friends, has paid for various things for my kids, and is always mega thoughtful for birthdays/Christmas. I mention the money side purely to show he's not tight (because I know that £££ will be seen as the main cause here, most likely) — quite the opposite. He's not rich, but he's risen further in his career so has more income and assets than me. He's 10 years older.

He's a high-quality partner in more ways than I can explain - romantic, loving, supportive, pleasant temperament (in a world full of angry men!). Just a gorgeous character all round. I'm madly in love with him, in a way you'd absolutely never expect at my age (51). I struggle to imagine being without him and day to day, I know I can count on him, whether it's remembering something small I mentioned once, or collecting my daughter from a school trip at midnight.

And yet. The fact he won't marry me is never far from my mind. It's not that I necessarily want a married life, as having some space is actually quite nice — but I struggle with him not wanting me for a wife, and I think it would be a dealbreaker for him if I pushed. I've said I'd sign a prenup because I'm not after his assets whatsoever (and I'd love him the same even if he didn't have a penny), but he insists it isn't about money (he's not planning to leave his kids anything, he expects to spend it in retirement). He just doesn't believe in marriage anymore, thinks it's outdated for people our age, and swears he's fully committed to my kids and me long-term.

How important is marriage, really, at this stage of life? Why does the principle bother me so much (ok you can't answer that, but I'd like your thoughts)? Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to be in a relationship with a man who won't marry me, even knowing I will probably not find this kind of love again. Am I totally insane, and if so, how do I talk myself out to leaving/losing such a good thing that means the world to me?

You can actually name anyone as your NoK and power of attorney if those are things that bother you Being marriedbor next of kin doesnt give you PoA

Thank you. I don't know, maybe there's something in that.
Just a few days ago, I brought up the whole issue over a very posh lunch he took me out to and it was a gorgeous summer day, we were both dressed up and happy, and he'd driven 90 mins to this particular restaurant, and then I nearly ruined the day by getting very upset over this disagreement (again). In the end I apologised and said I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing this, we should be having a really lovely day. And he said to me, he was fully expecting me to do it because I always cause an argument when we're particularly happy and close. He actually wasn't upset, he just felt it was a curious thing, that I will pick a fight when we're at peak happiness.
I don't understand what the urge is and I'm not doing consciously. In my mind, at least, it's always a real issue that has to be urgently addressed :-(

Thank you. I really appreciate the opportunity to be honest about my thoughts on this, and to receive such thoughtful comments, which are making me reflect on where my strong negative feelings are coming from.

I don't wear a ring, but would absolutely love to wear one. I don't know if such a thing exists - I think I've heard of eternity rings, I don't know if that's the same thing. Yes it would mean the world to me as a public declaration of our love (I mean, I know that's silly because everyone who knows us in real life, knows us as a couple. But it would still mean a lot)

While he's on very good salary as an MD of a business and has a very large house now paid off, he hasn't provided massively for his retirement (he does have a pension/savings pot with a few hundred thousand pounds, but nowadays you need more for a truly comfortable pension that would be equal to his current standard of life). So once he retires, in the next 12-18 months, he is planning to dispose of the house which is a significant asset, and use some of it for pension purposes through whichever means are the most efficient.
I'm guessing this is the point at which he will suggest we live together, because he said he's fully assuming that we will, and a share of his house proceeds combined with my own equity would give us a nice home to live in. But then that would be our home and not something that's simply passed on to his kids. Of course, we could theoretically each leave our share of the house to our own kids, but houses nowadays are often swallowed up with care bills so he said to them to not count on anything.

It's not to do with inheritance and he's not planning to leave anything to his adult children.

In fairness, he tells me that, while he did marry another woman, that was 31 years ago, when he felt marriage was something you did if you wanted to have kids so they wouldn't have the stigma of being born out of wedlock.

He says nowadays that's just not the case and he probably wouldn't marry now even for the sake of kids, and of course being 51/61 we won't be having biological children.

Do you know about handfasting @Writer034 ? It's a celtic/pagan ceremony. Really lovely. Not legally binding in any way. Though it sounds like a commitment ring could work for you.

He sounds like a keeper. If he can look you in the eye and say he loves and cherishes you and would want you by his side when he draws his last breath, then might that be enough? People get married feeling much less!

I’m very sorry for you, having a perfectly lovely life but … picking a fight when ever you are particularly happy and close.

That is so very sad and it seems no one else in the thread is picking up on it. I would really encourage you to try and unpick what is happening there, with some outside help if that’s what it takes.

it’s no way to live to, not be able to really enjoy the happy times and I hope you get it sorted.

If it helps you feel closer set up power of attorney for each other so you can be sure of being involved in any health and welfare decisions for each other.

Marriage when you are not giving up earning power to have children is an unnecessary interference in life. But really, do get that inability to enjoy the happy times sorted snd enjoy your life.

If anything ever happened to dp, I would never marry anyone else. Everything I have worked for is for our children, so I wouldn't want to become financially entangled with someone who wasn't their father. Also worth being aware that if you are going to share finances one day, he could have a claim on your pension if you pre deceased him. Make sure that everything is financially watertight.

It’s not important unless you decide it is. Be careful.

I met dp at 51, he was 55. I was widowed, he was divorced. 3 children between us aged 17 to 23, one living with me. We fell in love.

Long phase where I didn’t want to marry or live together. He mentioned it once and I said definitely not.

He needed to move. Initially he just looked to move closer. Then something shifted and I started to want to be together. Over the course of our third year together we moved into a new place.

I suddenly started obsessing over marriage. I asked him, he said no. That actually helped and I was able to let go.

5 years in he proposed. We’re marrying next year.

Im very happy about it BUT I am probably going to lose money overall on the deal. We have been strict about wills and protecting our children’s interests but it isn’t perfect. For us it is worth it but only because we’re both reasonably comfortable. If I were going to be financially strict about it, I wouldn’t have married him.

Try to let go. What he says makes sense. You don’t want money to become an issue between you.

Important points to consider with anyone OP

If I did it again, I wouldn't marry DP, we'd have just lived together. I realised that the engagement, where he said he wanted to be with me forever, is more important than the marriage. I would legal things put in place for assets etc but I think I only got married for family expectations.

Small correction

"Don't do it. Men & Women often disappoint and marriage ties you financially to a person."

😂

Well i suppose it's understandable that he feels that way because he lost half of everything when he got divorced, but how about this for an angle...he didn't actually lose anything did he, he got half which in my opinion is fair enough, the reasons surrounding his divorce don't change the fact that they were a partnership so she deserved to also get her half so she could start again.

I think i kind of understand why he's saying what he's saying, and he does sound like a great person from what you've said, BUT, i would be saying to him that surely if we're planning a future together then sharing is a part of that, it feels like because of his past he's kind of saying you don't deserve half in the future if anything goes wrong...marriage is not really the be all and end all though as marriage isn't the only way to ensure you get treated fairly in the event of a future breakup.

My situation is similar to your.

I’m 49. 4 years together. His DC adults and mine late teens.

We have our own lovely houses. We both enjoy our time together and really cherish our time alone. We have high quality friendships that we value and enjoy. We have wonderful weekends and holidays together, and feel very comfortable in each other’s homes, and also value our time alone.

Society tells us that successful relationships mean living in the same place, and being married - but does reality bear that out? Not at all!

There’s no way I want to marry my man. What would be the point! We have exciting retirement plans of travelling and volunteering abroad. Our lives are wonderfully entwined and we also have great friends and interests of our own.

Lovely partners are rare and don’t need to fit into an antiquated idea of what relationships should look like.

He sounds like a lovely chap. Don’t spoil your lovely moments by turning them into a fight xxx

You don't have to marry. You can (should) write wills, you could have power of attorney, there are lots of legal things you can do without being married. If you go into hospital, you can ask for someone to be nominated as your NoK, though obviously that won't work if your first entry is unconscious in an ambulance.

It's important to talk about things like what you'd like your funeral to be like, if you want to be an organ donor, how you feel about possible life-saving actions like resuscitation, and so on. It really helped me sister and me that we both knew how mum would have responded to one possible course of action when she was in intensive care, and that she'd talked about music at her funeral. If you don't have strong views about your funeral, it's helpful to be clear about that, too.

You can talk about these things without being married, and make some of them legally enforceable. Some of them aren't necessarily covered just by being married anyway.

But what about you?

This.

If you think his plan is to buy a house with you and for you to pay in your equity, what does his intention to spend it all and leave his kids nothing mean for your dc? Do you share that attitude?

I am happily married. Too old for more children. If something happened to DH I would not marry anyone else. Not for sentimental reasons. I would not join my finances with anyone else in anyway ever.

I have a comfortable house, DH and I have worked together to build what we have for our family and it would be a betrayal to risk anything leftover going to anywhere but to our own DC.

It’s made easier by the fact I wouldn’t want to fully live with anyone else either. Again DH and I have naturally made our compromises over the years and it’s all been in aid of building a life for us as a family. Left alone with grown children either the youngest still at home or all left the house, I wouldn’t be interested in getting bogged down in domestic details again. If the right person came along I’d like the best bits of a relationship without being annoyed by their habits and vice versa. If they weren’t up for that then I can’t see the relationship going anywhere.

"If I was at death’s door, hospital staff wouldn’t recognise him as NOK. Feasibly, they could restrict his access to see me. Most certainly, he wouldn’t be able to make decisions about my treatment."

I'm not sure that's true these days.

Indeed

When an elderly friend of mine became ill (and subsequently died) both the hospital and care home were happy to consult his partner on treatment etc

My ex became ill during the Covid years and (sadly) went into a catatonic state. Although we had been separated for over 20 years and hadn’t seen each other for 15 I became the main contact for the hospital

I told them what I could. They then asked me if I would consent to no further treatment but keeping her comfortable if the situation arose.
I wasn’t going to make that decision.

It did happen and I ended up agreeing for the doctors to decide

There's a clip going around now with Sandy Toksvig talking about the importance of marriage because a gay man couldn't speak for his partner, but if I understand correctly there's no law about who exactly a hospital refers to. It's not like inheritance.

Similarly, for planning funerals, there was an undertaker on here before again saying there was no law about who could do it.

I would have thought that POA would cover it for health and welfare