How important is marriage if you're older and won't be having any kids together?

[Writer034]

DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. We don't live in one house, but spend 4 nights a week together, sometimes more. I have two teenage DC who adore him and he's brilliant with them. He has 3 adult DC — two live away and I have no relationship with them (their choice), one lives with him and we get on very well; she'll likely move out in a year or so.

DP has said he assumes we'll live together at some point. But he's also made clear that, after a marriage where he was cheated on and lost half of everything in the divorce, he's not looking to marry again.

He contributes to my household financially via a monthly standing order, cooks and buys food when he's here, and is generally very generous — he pays for everything when it's just him and me (holidays, meals out, weekends away), and we tend to split in half when my DC are with us, though he'll often still pick up the bill. He's generous with my friends, has paid for various things for my kids, and is always mega thoughtful for birthdays/Christmas. I mention the money side purely to show he's not tight (because I know that £££ will be seen as the main cause here, most likely) — quite the opposite. He's not rich, but he's risen further in his career so has more income and assets than me. He's 10 years older.

He's a high-quality partner in more ways than I can explain - romantic, loving, supportive, pleasant temperament (in a world full of angry men!). Just a gorgeous character all round. I'm madly in love with him, in a way you'd absolutely never expect at my age (51). I struggle to imagine being without him and day to day, I know I can count on him, whether it's remembering something small I mentioned once, or collecting my daughter from a school trip at midnight.

And yet. The fact he won't marry me is never far from my mind. It's not that I necessarily want a married life, as having some space is actually quite nice — but I struggle with him not wanting me for a wife, and I think it would be a dealbreaker for him if I pushed. I've said I'd sign a prenup because I'm not after his assets whatsoever (and I'd love him the same even if he didn't have a penny), but he insists it isn't about money (he's not planning to leave his kids anything, he expects to spend it in retirement). He just doesn't believe in marriage anymore, thinks it's outdated for people our age, and swears he's fully committed to my kids and me long-term.

How important is marriage, really, at this stage of life? Why does the principle bother me so much (ok you can't answer that, but I'd like your thoughts)? Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to be in a relationship with a man who won't marry me, even knowing I will probably not find this kind of love again. Am I totally insane, and if so, how do I talk myself out to leaving/losing such a good thing that means the world to me?

Is there such a thing as a commitment ceremony and if so would that work for you both.

You've been socially conditioned your whole life to believe your entire worth as a human is in getting a man to marry you. It's just a piece of paper and entirely meaningless if you have a prenup.
I have a friend who feels like this and makes herself so sad with a lovely man because he doesn't want to get married. She gets a lot of parental pressure as well.
You sound like you have a lovely relationship and you would be a fool to throw it away.
Try and reframe "he doesn't want me for a wife" to "things are perfect as they are".

I am in my 50s and if, god forbid, I was ever dating again, I would never marry again for a myriad of legal and financial reasons. So I am in team fella.

You can get power of attorney for each other.

Those who have posted they are worried about not being NOK in later life and not being able to make decisions/be kept informed re health, finances etc, could you not get power of attorney put in place?

I know what you mean, but also MN (and other women's forums) sometimes scare me with stories of 'he wouldn't marry me, but we broke up and within 3 months he was engaged to someone else'. I'm not saying my DP would actually ever be like that. But there's a voice in my head that says, what if it's just me, and actually he might potentially marry someone else if he was with them.

I'm probably wrong; he tells me I'm the love of his life and he's never been this happy, but for me that doesn't square up with then not wanting to do everything in his power to keep me. There's just some kind of cognitive dissonance of what he says I mean to him, and not wanting the commitment of marriage.

Im on the side of your partner.

Marriage (in my eyes) is about setting a secure foundation when two people move in together and decide to start a family. It’s about financial protection (usually of the woman) for when the babies come
along and maternity affects her earning, and also to offer protection if divorce occurs.

None of that is relevant in your cases, you already own your own properties, you both have adult children from previous relationships so there really isn’t any real reason for you to have a financial commitment/obligation to each other.

Tying yourself financially to someone at your age will completely muddy the water when it comes to property ownership and inheritances for your children for example. Don’t jeopardise them losing out by your finances/assets going to your partner (and then to his children) instead of your own. Is that what you really want to risk happening?

If you love him, and you believe he loves you then I wouldn’t sacrifice that just because he doesn’t want to go through marriage again.

Normally I’d say do it for the inheritance tax issues but as you both have kids you’ll be leaving to rather than each other, I don’t it matters…?

Knowing he doesn’t want to is another issue though…

I'm not sure what you mean by 100% in favour of one person? He'd been married for 25 years, they divorced, they split everything in half. That's actually pretty standard and I do completely believe he's telling me the truth.

I don't see how your relationship could survive if his children don't want anything to do with you so I can definitely see why he would be hesitant to marry you. Is he seriously thinking he will move in with you and then just not ever have his kids/potential grandkids over? I think it will cause so much friction that eventually he will feel like he has to choose between you and his children, and he will most likely choose his children/grandchildren. A marriage could surely only be on the cards if you can at least spend your life together harmoniously.

We’ve been together for years & jointly own a house. Our wills were done when we bought the house and our LPoA documents are in process. I asked the solicitor if there was anything extra marriage would provide & he said no - but it makes it financially more complicated we split up. It sounded like he’s dealt with a lot of divorces!
I would like us to add NOK to each other’s medical notes, just to have it recorded somewhere x

I completely agree with him. You’ve both got children, so marriage just massively complicates things when one of you dies.

It’s totally different when you’re older and established with grown up children. He sounds like a lovely guy, I wouldn’t push marriage in this instance.

I remarried in my 40’s and am now late 50’s. To me it meant and still means a lot. Had he not wanted to remarry I would probably have sucked it up as he’s such an outstanding partner.. but i just wouldn’t feel the security I do now. That we can’t just walk away in challenging times. I would have resented the fact he didn’t want to marry me.

He says he's hopeful that things will change in due course, and also that he can see them in other locations, it doesn't have to be our (hypothetical) mutual house. We have definitely discussed this.

We are in our 70s now

When we got together about 16 years ago she said she wouldn’t live with me or marry me. If I wanted either of those things we shouldn’t start the relationship

She was concerned about any hassle re her inheritance - she has a number of children. I wouldn’t have dreamed of challenging anything but completely understood where she was coming from. She had been burnt before

Music to my ears!. I had been living on my own for nearly 20 years and was perfectly happy like that. I was still married as it happened - me and my ex never got round to divorcing

It’s worked perfectly for us. She is provided for in my will and we’ve got a lovely relationship. I don’t think we’d have lasted long living together

Not necessarily if you set up your affairs properly with a will, and use trusts.

OP - there’s no reason for marriage except to maximise IHT allowances, and pass on pensions and death in service benefits.

You can set up Powers of Attorney for each other so the NOK issue is sorted.

Moving in together is something I’d be careful about though. If you move into his house I would keep your property. If you buy a new to you home together do make sure you own it as tenants in common.

Your comment that you don’t have a relationship with 2 of his DCs may point to why he doesn’t want marriage. I remarried but this did cause some friction with some of his DCs, so we have set up very clear wills leaving our own assets to our own children, using trusts where appropriate and have generally kept our finances separate. We have also had one to one conversations with all of our DCs so they all know what the situation is re our finances and future care preferences. We can’t guarantee there won’t be problems down the line but hopefully we’ve prevented most of them.

I've been with OH for 16 years. We live together but aren't married. He's never been married. I'm divorced with 2 grown up children.
He woukd like to get married but I won't. I own the house and we have separate bank accounts.

It's never going to happen

thank you. what kind of possible problems down the line are you referring to?

Challenges to the will by his DCs if he dies before you and generally being difficult with you about the funeral arrangements.

As PPs mentioned, if you marry and live together, there may be refusals about not coming to your home, not invited to major family events.

Honestly I think your arrangement sounds pretty perfect. You have your own finances and can do what you want to protect your assets for yourselves / your kids while enjoying a lovely life together sharing your disposable income to do so. If my marriage didn’t work out I would be very happy with this kind of set up, probably with the long - term plan of moving in together once my kids had gone off to uni. Saves dealing with any blended family hassle - much easier when they’re all a bit older. Enjoy having lots of dates, holidays, company, love, without any drama.

As per PP get some financial advice if and when you decide to move in together. Could you keep both houses, rent one out and share the rental income, with you both owning your own house?

I never thought marriage was that important it’s always been oh it’s just a piece of paper!!
my partner and I have been together happily for 43 years but recently something happened that has completely changed our minds.
A friend of the family (same situation as us) together for decades not married have just experienced the most horrible situation imaginable due to them not being married, her partner died suddenly with nothing in place no will as totally unexpected and to say she has suffered additional grief is an understatement.
As she was not classed as his next of kin there was lots of things she couldn’t do with the funeral arrangements the financial situation is messy bank account frozen house in his name etc the list goes on.
We love each other so much and couldn’t bear for either of us to face what’s happening to our friend so we have decided to get married and our wedding is in 10 weeks time.

I’m with him. I think you have the best situation right now. Don’t blow it over marriage.

I agree with your partner.

I would never marry again and that’s not a slur against my DH now. I just wouldn’t do it and think your relationship as it is (and exclusive to each other) would be what I want for myself if I ever travelled that path again.

Us humans can be a morally untidy bunch when we want to be.

Our friends separated after 4 years of marriage and a couple of years living together beforehand.

(Not UK btw if anyone wants to jump up and down about Laws.)

no kids, 2nd marriage for them both. Wife initiated it but told me she had been planning it for several months prior. Why they got married is beyond me…

she too was from the brigade of ‘not touching pre marital assets” prior to the wedding but boy did that change post separation along with a major character assassination of Hubby.

I’ve known her for over 20 years, him for the length of their relationship. He had funds tied up in a trust that were accumulated pre relationship.

Once married she considered those funds to be marital assets and wanted access to the point where she would threaten to list the shared house for sale (purchased in her name at the time for reasons I don’t understand but suspect it was part of her plan) ‘if he didn’t….xyz’ with the funds.

so to keep the peace he dipped into the funds from time to time for major purchases for her. Then it would be something else… so the trust cash assets became muddied as to what was marital/personal and what was trust.

the official separation of assets has taken 2 years and when she was unable to get physically ahold of trust property, she went after value, and income derived from trust assets. In the meanwhile she had divested herself of her assets, and attempted to devalue the joint home.

he has had to pay her half of the trust income simply because the legal expense to fight it would have been greater and now he too says he will never marry again having gone through this.

I’m undecided if She has actually met someone else because the change in her was abrupt. I guess it will come out eventually.

so I understand your partner’s position. I see where he is coming from and why. It’s not about you as a person, but solely down to his past experience and it’s left him depleted once before… and not an experience he wants to re-visit again.

Hi op I don’t see the problem you got with him even though you must have known he won’t remarry. I think this is normal for someone who has been stung in a divorce. if he was the type of guy who married all his women you would not feel special anyway. He sounds perfect so not sure why you would risk all that for a piece of paper. If you move in together down the line then you can set up wills etc for security but right now I think you have the best of both worlds. You only have to come on here and see how many shitty husbands there out there.

I would never get married again. You both have children. If one of you drops dead, the other partner would get your estate before your children. Never mind divorce. I'd say your DP is sensible.