Partner wants to end things and I have nowhere to go

[FairScroller]

I live with my partner whom I share a young child with. He told me a week ago he wants to end things and is unhappy with his life. For the last week he has said maybe he loves me maybe he doesn’t. He hates me then doesn’t etc He has told me I need to do x,y,z but even then he might want me to leave.

I desperately want to keep our family together even though I have often thought about ending the relationship myself. He has in the past been mildly abusive and has a temper.

Im a sahm. Im terrified of being a single mum. I’m terrified of moving out with no where to go and no income. I also feel I’m letting my child down as they love their father.

He has gone out drinking the last 3 nights until late leaving me to care for our child alone. He said he’s hurting and needs to see friends whilst not considering that I’m also hurting but I can’t go out to see friends because I’m staying home with our child.

I can’t eat. I feel so down and in turmoil. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay/leave?

I have no income or family I could stay with. if you left how did you do it?

I guess I’m after advice and kind words as I feel complete alone right now.

Your first, very difficult job is to start looking for work and childcare. You need to not be reliant on him for housing and other essentials.

If you jointly own the home, then neither should be asking the other to leave. I would say to him that if he doesn’t want to be together then the house needs to go on the market whether it’s his pride and joy or not.

I would make getting a job and childcare an absolute priority.

If the children have s Nd or disabilities the default might not be 50 50 - just a thought

Thank you everyone. I spoke to a solicitor who confirmed I was eligible for 50%. I’m having the house valued in a few weeks which is going to be very difficult as I’ll need to do this secretly which means I need to somehow turn the cameras off which also have audio and are all over the property!

I’ve done my cv. Ive sent small things to friends like bedding, plates so I have a few more things.

small steps. Agreed with all that mentioned I need a job. I think I’ll likely have to move to the city I want to be in to a council house and get benefits then once there I can apply for a job. I don’t know how easy getting a council house is but it would hopefully be temporary. I don’t know if I can rent and then apply for housing benefit. I will ring citizens advice.

@FairScrollerWouldn't it be possible that the wifi loses service plugged out for half an hour 😉 happens all the time

Sorry wrong thread

Somehow see if you can knock the power off for a period of time, whilst the EA is there. Possibly let them know that you have a very tight timeframe for their visit.
Maybe consider registering your address with the police due to the escalating abuse by your partner.
I think you can put a notice of interest against the house, so if you have to move before it's sold, you will then know when it's sold and get your share.
Well done for doing everything you are doing to manage your exit from this man.

Well done for taking proactive steps to end the relationship and leave your abuser.

How old is your child and are they at nursery/school?

Do you have external childcare available so you can volunteer at a local charity, foodbank etc. This will help build skills and a live reference for future employment.

Apply for a remote, general admin job now rather than after you've left him. It'll take time to get one anyway but the more interview practice you get, the more confident you become.

https://www.charityjob.co.uk/jobs?keywords=administration&workplace=remote

Getting a job now will put you in a better financial position. Also a remote job means you won't need to pay much for childcare.

It takes time to get a council house so you might have to privately rent, speak to women's aid or Shelter for more advice.

Buy next sized clothes/shoes/coats/birthday & Christmas gifts discreetly for your child, stash in a locked suitcase & give to your friend or hide it. Use your household budget to do this now because you don't know what your income is going to be like later.

Do the same with none perishables like tins/packets, cleaning & laundry products and buy extra & stash away.

Check what benefits you'll be eligible for here
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

Open a separate bank account and opt out of paper statements.

TSB have a special fund where they can give you a £500 grant to help you have an abusive situation and help you open a secure bank account.

https://www.tsb.co.uk/help-and-support/supporting-you-domestic-or-financial-abuse.html

I pressed too early. Sell old clothes, toys, household items on Facebook, vinted etc and save the money in your account to build up a cash reserve.

Everytime you go grocery shopping alone, get cashback or buy a supermarket gift card which you can use after you have left him.

If you have documented domestic violence in your house (police involved) then you can consider being on a council housing register in any area.

But if not, as a homeowner you won't be high up any social housing list, and you can't currently prove a local connection to your preferred area as you don't live or work there.

Get advice from your local Citizens Advice or local authority housing team.

You mentioned the cameras, do you have access to them? Can you download some of the footage showing him being abusive and email to a secret email address, or give the logon details to a friend and ask them to download
take photos of any bruises. Keep a record of dates and times of verbal abuse. Register your address with the police.

please please speak to womens aid.
also find your local housing options number and call them to get registered.

Do you have access to joint funds (shopping etc)? Open your own account and move some or if he would notice start getting an extra £20 here and there cashback and hiding with your go bags or depositing in your new account.

• have an "evidence " - email broadband provider saying you had an "issues " ,forward this email to him if needed

If he wants to end the relationship he needs to leave. Tell him that. Why are there cameras and audio all over your house? Once he has gone you can claim universal credit for yourself and child. Social housing is difficult if you are in London. If you are fleeing any form of domestic abuse your local authority will have to house you but this could be temporary accommodation in a hostel and pets are not allowed. Families in London are being rehoused up North because the rents are cheaper. Wish you well

Did you put cameras and audio over the house? This sounds like a controlling man trying to force you to leave and probably ready to move the next one in. If you can find a way make a copy of him being abusive and on more than one occasion. It will make a massive difference if you need police help.

Getting a council rental is really difficult, you'd probably be in temporary accommodation first. You need a job so you can get a private rental.

Women sometimes flee with just the clothes they and their child(ren) are wearing. All refuges will have access to toiletries and clothing/ childrens toys. They might not be what you would choose but they can help you. Prioritise underwear.

You will feel a lot better once you have got away, this sort of man grinds you down. You may not feel it immediately but you will rebuild yourself and wonder why it took you so long to realise he was a rat.

I know most people are saying stay in the house and that he can leave , but if you were my daughter and grandchild, I would want you home, away from the abusive prick and his mother

Forgot - I meant to encourage you to register for the free Land Registry property alert service. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert He may drive you out and you need to know what he's up to.

If you are on the title deeds there is nothing this arsehole of a man can do to take that away.
I assume he's well paid/ wealthy and thinks he can control you? That's financial abuse.
Cameras in the house are also abuse. Get out before he hurts you. You need some forward rent and can apply for that through your local council.
You're not married so that's in your favour regarding access to your child. It appears he only wants to be Disney Dad anyway.
No one 'owns' anyone.
You mention you have a car, is it in your name? Who is on the V5? If it's him he may report the car as stolen. I wouldn't worry the police are under pressure to support women fleeing DV.
Do you have parents, siblings?

I'd leave and go to my family and you won't lose your rights to the house. He can't change the locks either. No judge will give him that. He'll have to buy you out.
Once you're gone it will be a weight lifted. Call the police if he tries to stop you.

I would feel the same if it was my daughter but OP has stated she has no income,no family and nowhere to go sadly

He’s done an absolute number on you @FairScroller

You are isolated from friends and family
You care for his child with another woman whilst he does nothing.
He doesn’t care for your child leaving you unable to access a social life outside of them

He saw you coming. Now you need to see for yourself what he is and what he is doing.

You need support from other agencies that can help you see that you are being coercively controlled…and help you create a plan to her out.

The worth of a stay-at-home parent is a lesson I wish everyone learned in antenatal classes, men and women alike, so they really know their 'financial worth'. I used to work in life insurance and it was pure madness how many couples didn't think it was important to insure the SAHM because she "doesn't bring any money in". So I used to do this exercise with them, to consider what they would need to fork out if she died tomorrow, so Mr "I earn all the money" could continue to go out and do just that:

A full time nanny wage is the UK averages at around £45,000. But a nanny is just there to care for your child, not to do any household tasks. So.....
A housekeeper who will clean, go grocery shopping, walk and care for pets, do all laundry and ironing - around £25 per hour. Running a house, I reckon, will require at least 3 hours a day of that. Let's call it 3 hours a day, at £25 an hour, for 5 days a week, 48 weeks of the year. That's £18,000.

So next time you think you're not entitled to 50% of the house because he's bought it with his money, just remember that you're saving him £63,000 a year.

Well done OP on taking your first steps towards freedom.

Lots of great advice already on this thread.

If you’re looking for private rented then speak to your local authority they should have a private rental team that will check your affordability and can help with a deposit and first month’s rent. They work with landlords too so gives you some protection against the rogue ones (although things are better for private renters since the changes in May).

If your child is in an education setting then please speak to them and let them know what is going on. They can be a great source of support and it is also another record of the abuse by professionals. If they are school age, I appreciate that is difficult with it being the summer holidays but you could send an email.

You can do this. You’ll be free soon. 💐

I’d seek legal advice. As the main / resident parent maybe you can stay in the house until the child is 18?

This is no way for you and your child to live. He has two children and a partner, and doesn’t want to take any responsibility or act like an adult (or father or partner).
He’s a lazy, selfish man. There isn’t such a thing as “mildly” abusive - he’s abusive.

I understand the thought of splitting up is scary but in the long run you will all be so much better off. Please get some advice and make plans. Please ensure you get what’s yours too if you own half the house. Also, please, please keep safe. Abusive men are at their worst when their partner is leaving and they realise they cannot control them anymore.

He doesn't need to leave a property he jointly owns, unless a judge tells him to. Why does this always get trotted out?

It’s hard to believe you won’t be better in the long run without him. He sounds like a grade A toad