Partner wants to end things and I have nowhere to go

[FairScroller]

I live with my partner whom I share a young child with. He told me a week ago he wants to end things and is unhappy with his life. For the last week he has said maybe he loves me maybe he doesn’t. He hates me then doesn’t etc He has told me I need to do x,y,z but even then he might want me to leave.

I desperately want to keep our family together even though I have often thought about ending the relationship myself. He has in the past been mildly abusive and has a temper.

Im a sahm. Im terrified of being a single mum. I’m terrified of moving out with no where to go and no income. I also feel I’m letting my child down as they love their father.

He has gone out drinking the last 3 nights until late leaving me to care for our child alone. He said he’s hurting and needs to see friends whilst not considering that I’m also hurting but I can’t go out to see friends because I’m staying home with our child.

I can’t eat. I feel so down and in turmoil. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay/leave?

I have no income or family I could stay with. if you left how did you do it?

I guess I’m after advice and kind words as I feel complete alone right now.

Well done for telling your friend and hiding some stuff. One step at a time.

This 100%. You may not have the money to pay the mortgage however as it is in joint names he is therefore responsible or he would get a bad credit score., and unlikely to get another place. You are toonice, take the 50/50 when the time comes, MN is full of stories of men taking themselves off and having another family, then pleading poverty as all their money goes on the new family. See it from the point of view that your child deserves it.Sending support 💕

However morally I would feel bad taking 50/50 even though I’m entitled, because he’s bought the house with his money.

Stuff that, you have your dc to think about. Stop putting his interests above yours and your dc.

You need to be able to provide a home. (And he should want you to be able to provide a home for your dc too. What kind of dad would rather see his dc in poverty?

He'll be nasty whatever you do, he's already nasty while you're trying to love him, placate him and make it work. There is no scenario where he will not be nasty.

Something slightly similar happened to me. And I spiralled. So I just want to say first things first

1. have a pint of water
2. have a proper nutritious meal. Even if small. Eat some chocolate
3. don’t drink any alcohol
4. try to get some sleep. Speak to your GP asap to get temporary sleeping tablets. You need to be back to good health to focus and make a plan.

i didn’t eat or sleep properly for 6 weeks and I started almost hallucinating. I couldn’t take sleeping pills as I was still breastfeeding. I lost 2.5 stone in 6 weeks (I only started at 9) and looked anorexic. I had to drink weight gain milkshakes to stay alive. And my baby went onto formula anyway.

shit stuff has happened in my life since but the first thing I do now is drink water and eat a meal. You’ve got to stay strong xxx

Love It doesn’t matter if he bought it with his own money, you’ve been raising his kids and ironing his shorts for however many years now. You haven’t been able to work because you’ve been raising the child. What has he had to give up?

And now he’s thinking of turfing out his own blood and the child’s mother. He’s a bastard. These abusive swines always pick moral people and use that morality against them. You don’t have to convince him of your goodness, your worth or your moral fibre any more than a deer has to convince a lion.

Just get straight to a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to financially. It’s not just for you, it’s for your child. Becuas guarantee a man who would throw you and his child out onto the street, will not pay for the child once he is out either.

Get your share. Get your sons share.

Never give this man benefit of the doubt. If you roll over and show your belly, he will only bite harder.

Thank you. I think you are right. My friend asked yesterday if my child was in my situation what i say and I’d say leave.

sometimes he gets very angry with the children and screams swears and shouts at them over trivial things then says it’s my fault! He says I make him want to hit me.

Im wondering if the drinking benders now and not coming home are to try and get a rise from me

He says I make him want to hit me

Well your latest post just tipped him over from being a casual everyday prick to abusive and scary. You need to tell him to leave regardless of what he wants or does next

You really need advice Op
You own the house jointly, therefore he needs to leave as you have a child to consider .
He doesn’t want the relationship anymore so you need to listen to him and realise that he is not on your side .

You said you can’t go out with your friends, call them or ask them to come over. As others have said it’s your house too, you don’t need to be the one to leave because he decided he wants you out. I disagree it’s definitely another woman and he may be going out because he’s in turmoil but op don’t stay with him just because you think it’s better/ easier as three x Stupid question but when you say no family do you just mean not nearby or do you mean at all? I’d s as Lao agree start looking up threads like this one, there’s a wealth of advice x

Ps on the above I say don’t leave, there’s a chance ye are going to have to live together for the moment if he refuses to leave (a lot of people sell and find their own place or rent) but always be making plans in the background and while you both need to talk it’s the fucked up thing of you can’t confide in him as much as you used to as he could use it against you

I think this is good adivce because you need to start to take control of your life.

I say this becuase of the fear you live in.

If you have not already, you need to get in touch with Womens Aid. The more you say about him, the worse it sounds. Please, as soon as it is safe to do so, get in touch with them and tell them what's going on, they've heard it all before, and they can help you with a plan to get you and the DC out of there as safely as possible.

There's another life for you on the other side of this, I promise.

Op with all the love in the world, you need to pull your head out your backside and toughen up here…quickly!! You’re “desperate” to keep this man in your life? This useless dad who binge drinks and is abusive to you and your child, leaving you to do everything while he swans around manipulating and threatening you? Kid might like him now but that won’t last. And that half of the house you think you’re not entitled to? Whether or not that’s true, that’s how you get stability for your son, he’s entitled to it and he’s entitled to your partners half too, all of it. You need to get what you can and get away from this man before he properly breaks you, which sounds as if it’s not far away. Go to women's aid and make a plan to get away from this shitbag with as much as you can take. You’ll be fine as a single mum. If you can do it while managing all this, it’ll be a doddle without it. You’ll see him for who he is soon enough just trust you need away from him. Good luck.

You can call the police. If what he is doing is disturbing to the children or you and he won't stop you can if it feels possible.
The police attend lots of verbal domestics. Believe me they know, that women don't generally pick up the phone over a mild argument , even if nothing is then reported. There would be a record of your call.
It might be helpful to see the process of leaving as seperate from the legal process of legal separation and divorce Which solicitors will advise on. . As in- people on here who are advising you to stay still mean you and the children to be physically and psychologically safe. If you aren't you need to talk with women's aid who can advise and walk you through how to leave quickly and safely if that's what you decide. And they will also know the process for remaining financially afloat during that period. They won't judge. . They can arrange police back up if it's really unsafe to actually go.
I wonder if I can challenge your moral view a little. Morally you didn't choose this and oughtn't be in this position. Morally you' d want to put the kids first, and morally so should he. Absolutely have ideals but you have reality to deal with.

OP, are you in the UK? If you're worried about your dog, Dogs Trust run a Freedom Programme to help domestic abuse victims (and that's what you are) and can arrange for dogs to be fostered.

Why on earth would you want to keep your family together??? He sounds vile

don’t be someone’s option you deserve better

There is always an option plenty of single parents manage perfectly well

If he’s threatening violence and screaming at you and the kids you can call the police. You SHOULD. They’ll remove him and tell him to stay away from you. A man who threatens to hit you means you harm. Anyone who wants you to think they will hit you WANTS you living in a state of fear. Not to mention, they might also hit you.

Threats of violence like that are reason enough to call the police.

Infact you could also go and make a police report now so that at least it’s on record even if they decide not to act straight away. Tell them you’re thinking of leaving him so they know what’s what if they need to be round asap. It’s also good to have this on record in future incase there’s any court issues. Eg, he wants fifty fifty custody of the kids but you are against it.

The awful thing too is he’s blaming you for his actions towards the kids. Kids will start taking his side and treating you badly too because they are scared of him. You need to get away and stop them from witnessing this and then be very clear that you left because dads behaviour was not ok and it’s never ok to be a bully.

Give them a safe home with you, for as much of the time you can get. The less time he has them the better but, by removing yourself from the situation at least they don’t have to witness their mother being abused.

ps: you’d be wise to read up on the things abusers try to pull when you are leaving them so that you are not taken by surprise. Eg they may claim you are crazy and they want full custody of the kids. Don’t let this bs frighten you, they’ll never get it haha (fyi they don’t actually want full custody anyway, obviously, it’s just a scare tactic).

Another thing they will do is tell everyone around you that you are the one with issues. So make sure you tell your friends and family first what has been going on.
Be aware that abusers will sometimes use people you both know to try to get you to give them second chances. These people are not safe people for you to confide in. Tell them not to get involved and, where possible, remove them from your life.

Sometimes they threaten self harm and suicide. Again this is bs. Not to say they won’t superficially injure themselves of course. Obviously call the police if this stuff is going on.

I don’t suppose there’s any chance your kids could stay elsewhere for now btw is there? Eg with a grandparent. Just until you get the house sold and get a safe space for yourself.

I’ve been trying to reach refuge the last few days. His behaviour is becoming more and more frightening. Very aggressive. Shouting , swearing. Nothing I say is right.

I can’t believe this is happening. This is the worst I’ve ever seen him. But he has some control as he spoke to me so nicely in front of his work friends but at home it’s completely different

Please call the police if you feel in danger - is he drinking and being aggressive? Do you think he's behaving like this to try and make you leave?

He needs to be the one to leave, please do not let him bully you into thinking different.

I don’t know anymore. He seems to be spiralling and every issue in his life is my fault.

I’ve left to go to the gym as I needed to be away from him and can’t think of anywhere else to go. I’m trembling.

I think he wants me out but also wants me to be here but as a robot until a replacement is found if that makes sense - no talking, no contact just make sure house is clean, food in animals looked after, his work admin is done. He was pleasantly civil to me today in front of others . He even kissed me on the lips. I had to go to his work to do jobs for him otherwise I fear he will cut my money. Take my phone car etc. then at home - vile. Aggressive.

Something changed 2 weeks ago. I think he wants me gone but wants to keep this house. The house is his absolute pride and joy.

Thank you. I wish I could take my little one and little dog and just find a safe Cosy home. Thank you to all that have commented.

It feels good to say how I feel and the truth about my relationship. I’ve hid it for so long.

Keep you and your child safe. Keep in touch with women's aid. Whatever it is you need to do you can do it. Sending love.

Don’t leave then. Get an estate agent to come and value the house. Then consider what you could buy with half the equity.
Personally I think you need to get proactive and not wait for him to decide what he wants. I can’t see many redeeming qualities. You can do this! Take charge and get planning a more peaceful life.

I’m so glad the house is jointly owned. He can’t make you leave. In the meantime, urgently prioritise getting a full time job so you can afford the home on your own (or buy a smaller home once the house sells).