Partner wants to end things and I have nowhere to go

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I live with my partner whom I share a young child with. He told me a week ago he wants to end things and is unhappy with his life. For the last week he has said maybe he loves me maybe he doesn’t. He hates me then doesn’t etc He has told me I need to do x,y,z but even then he might want me to leave.

I desperately want to keep our family together even though I have often thought about ending the relationship myself. He has in the past been mildly abusive and has a temper.

Im a sahm. Im terrified of being a single mum. I’m terrified of moving out with no where to go and no income. I also feel I’m letting my child down as they love their father.

He has gone out drinking the last 3 nights until late leaving me to care for our child alone. He said he’s hurting and needs to see friends whilst not considering that I’m also hurting but I can’t go out to see friends because I’m staying home with our child.

I can’t eat. I feel so down and in turmoil. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay/leave?

I have no income or family I could stay with. if you left how did you do it?

I guess I’m after advice and kind words as I feel complete alone right now.

I’m sorry you are going through this. From experience, you will feel so much more peace as a single parent than walking on eggshells and raising DC in that kind of environment.

Are you married? I assume not as you refer to partner. Call Women’s Aid and Citizens Advice Bureau on Monday for help and advice.

There have been a number of threads about this exact situation. If you are not the same person, it would be helpful to read those. If he wants to end the relationship, the relationship ends. The harsh truth is that it takes two of you to keep the relationship and only one to end it. The child can still love their father. Speak to Shelter and Citizens Advice

This is controlling. He's threatening to split with you unless you do every last thing he says. You need to get out.

Does he care about the child? Would he help you with the deposit for a flat?

You need to look into benefits, as a single mum you'll get enough and will get emergency accommodation if needed.

Do you have friends or family to give emotional or practical support?

Not married. We do jointly own our home. Thank you for the advice

Thank you

As you own the house jointly you shouldn't leave. I guess you will have to sell it and split the money - unless he can afford to buy you out?

Can you start looking for a job?

Gone out drinking for 3 nights or gone to see his new woman for 3 nights?

Call me cynical but I have never known a man to just leave because he wanted to start afresh. Men in my experience only leave when they have a new interest lined up.

You dont have to move out. He does.

He claims to but has always seen the child as my responsibility and he likes to only hold them/play etc if we’re out In public where he will play doting father. He looks around to see if anyone is watching him playing with the kids. Photos on instagram make it seem like he spends more time with them as he does. He has a child from a previous relationship that he shares custody with and hes mentioned giving that up. One of our relationship issues is I stopped doing so much for his child - no school runs, watching when he goes out etc because he did/does nothing for our child. I honestly think he wants to pop in to be dad for the fun bits but have zero day to day dealings. He often goes away and will say I’m going to x for 1 month or 10 days and never consults me just tells me. I’ve not been out with friends for 3 years. I can meet them in the day with our child but he will find excuses not to watch them for me.

I feel in complete limbo and sick. I’m sick of his behaviour yet I’m sick at the thought of moving on.

If you jointly own the home, you don't need to leave on his say so.

It needs to be sold and the proceeds divided or he needs to buy your share from you.

Obviously if he's abusive, he may escalate and you may need to flee but you have a claim on the home. You could talk to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services and potentially go into refuge if you're in danger.

He sounds awful. I know it's scary, but you'll be so much better off if you split up with him.

He's an abusive waste of space and quite possibly has at least one other family on the go.

What are the things he demands you must change?

Leave. Leave. Leave.

OP do not let him bully or pressure you into leaving. As you are joint owners of the house you are entitled to stay unless you need to leave for your own safety.
How old is your child? Don't worry about splitting up as your child can still have a relationship with their father, although he sounds like a rubbish parent anyway.
You need to re imagine your future, it will be much better without him and it sounds like he has checked out anyway. As pps have said, speak to Women's Aid for advice and support and go from there.

Im sorry that you are going through this. Focus on gathering practical information for now.

Do you have your own bank account, and do you receive the child benefit there? If he receives it, you will need to change that if you split preferably before you split.

Check what benefits you will be entitled to.here https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

Do you know what he earns? You will want to claim child maintenance from him, so any evidence you can find would be helpful.

Ask an estate agent or two to value your home, whilst he is out.

Be prepared to contact Women's aid, if you are frightened of him, and if he tries to force you/tell you to leave your jointly owned home, before it is sold.

Keep posting on Mumsnet. There is a wealth of experience here, people who have faced what you are facing, and come through the other side.

Best of luck.

I’m so sorry that you are facing such a stressful situation but there is no doubt you will be happier apart.

Stay put in your own home if it is safe for you and get advice. Do you have any family? It’s a good time to let them know what’s happening and ask for support. Don’t leave at the moment unless it’s unsafe to stay.

Op, I have raised my ds alone. Honestly, there is nothing to fear from being a single mum.

You can live at your own pace, focus on your child and not have to cope with his temper or mood swings. Life is calm, relaxed and well organised. No walking on eggshells.

I've worked full time all the way through and have never struggled.

You will have some equity from the house to help get started again. I'm sorry this is happening but maybe it is a good thing, if you have wanted to end it in the past. Please be optimistic. You can provide a happy home for you and LO on your own. You can develop a career. Good luck xx

Please speak to
womans aid.
It does sound like you would have a better life away from this man.

How old are the kids?

If you jointly own your home, that's very different to your OP.

you do have somewhere to go. You stay put. Your home is there just a much as it is your partner's. In fact, definitely don't leave!

if you are becoming to sole carer for your child because he's off drinking then you need a reasonable conversation when he's sober about the future, including ensuring your child has a roof over their head.

You jointly own the home so he cannot force you out. Suggest that he leaves as he enjoys the life of a single man so much. Do not be afraid to get police involved if things turn nasty. Call women's aid for general advice. He is a vile creature but you are not helpless in this situation.

Hang on! You jointly own the house but he’s saying you should leave?!

Tell him calmly that if he wants to split he needs to leave until you sort the house. Your child needs a stable home and you are the full-time parent here.

Please go carefully and speak to Women’s Aid and seek legal advice. He sounds abusive and like he would turn nasty.

This but he doesn’t just get to kick her and their child out.

You have to leave him OP. Claim UC right now as a single parent which you can do whilst still under the same roof. Get a UC advance to help you to leave. If he’s been abusive in any way you can get help from a local domestic abuse charity and you can also go to your local council and tell them you are being made homeless. Also, please make sure you claim child maintenance.

edited to add you own half the home so of course you don’t have to leave the house. Get it on the market and get out of this relationship as soon as you can he sounds absolutely vile!

OP, just want to say there’s no such thing as ‘mildly abusive’. There’s just abuse so please don’t let your brain trick you into thinking it’s ’just mild’, perhaps because your bruises or injuries aren’t ’as bad’ as someone else’s. Abuse is abuse.

As others have said, give Women’s Aid a ring and get some advice. It might be hard to see right now but there’s a life free of fear and anxiety waiting for you without him. It sounds as though you’re effectively a single parent anyway so why not just make it official? Depending on your financial situation you might be entitled to benefits but yes, you really need some proper advice.

Take away his power by sitting in the driver’s seat yourself. You’ll feel better once you know what your options and rights are.

As you jointly own the home and do all the caring for your child, he should be the one to leave. He can sofa surf with friends if he needs to, you don't have that option when a child's involved. Ask him to stay elsewhere whilst you decide what to do about the house, then have a look over the links to women's aid and benefits checker that pps have given. Good luck