Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

Inviting a supposedly abusive ex to your party
Allowing her to stay in your home
You go to her home (that's actually yours because she rents it from you!) to dog sit
She comes to yours to dog sit and stays over

Yet you apparently rarely see her or have anything to do with her!!

This entire set up is quite frankly insane. I suggest you get rid of your current partner, because she sounds like an equal nightmare. Then get yourself some therapy, because your closely knit relationship with your ex isn't normal. I suspect your partner can see 100% how utterly bonkers it is, although she's not handling great herself. You can't. No one says you have to hate your ex, but you are way way too closely connected to her, and it's going to cause issues in any future relationship you have going forward.

Enjoy your lovely party OP, put your grumpy DP on notice and say some time apart would be good, you’ll reassess things with her after the party.

It sounds like you two will end up breaking up, but no need for the actual breakup to overshadow your birthday if you don’t want it to…

Your relationship with your ex is perfectly normal given the context that you are both women. As is the fact you’ve been with DP less than a year, yet she is now acting like you’ve been married a decade and you’ve dared to invite your ex wife to your birthday.

Move on OP you sound lovely and there’s someone chill out there for you.

This seems like a n awful lot of drama. Why would you cancel your birthday event over itt and let down all your guests?
You could uninvite your ex because your partner isn't happy about her staying over. Or you could tell DP you don't care how she feels and to put up with it, which might end your relationship.
What you can't reasonably do is behave as though your close connection to your ex is something that should not be questioned by your partner and that therefore all this drama is her fault.

Why not? You know not all exes are enemies. Many people stay friendly with their exes. I'm sorry you've never heard of that concept and that it's 'all or nothing' with you.

I agree with this. You're getting a hard time, but unfortunately that's what happens when a post is in 'trending'. Some 'hard of reading' members assume it's in AIBU - but it's not, it's in RELATIONSHIPS.
Your partner came into your life eyes wide open. You are perfectly happy with your life, and the arrangements you have with your ex. You very rarely see your ex, something that a lot of posters can't seem to grasp. Now you've got a partner who has chosen to keep seeing you, knowing how things are with your ex. They also object to your business partner, to the point they want them excluded from your birthday celebrations. (Well that's awkward isn't it?)
In fact, your current partner is happy to wreck the birthday celebration you've planned, paid for and have been looking forward to. They are happy for you to lose £350 in the process. Sod that! I'm guessing if you ditched your current partner you'd feel like a weight was lifted off your shoulders. You'd be able to go back to enjoying your peaceful life and look for someone who actually cares about your happiness, rather than wanting to control you. Think about how that would feel before you cancel your birthday bash.

It seems your 'D'P doesn't like anyone associated with you that isn't her, does she? She seems to be quite controlling and determined to cut you off and isolate you from friends and anyone she can. How is she with your family?

She has red flags all over her. To be honest, I'd dump her now before years down the track you are left with no one but her in your life. Invite your ex, and your business partner, and dump her. You haven't moved in together so you are not tangled up, so it will be easy. Only a year in, you're barely dating. Take this as a bullet you've dodged by dumping 'D'P, she sounds like a drama-loving controlling isolating psycho. KEEP the birthday booking. Uninvite 'D'P.

Honestly, OP, based on your most recent update, your current partner sounds a bit abusive to me also.

The fact that she seems to dislike a number of people who are in your life (not just your ex but also your business partner and you say she has commented about other people you know) is potentially a bit of a red flag. You don’t seem to be able to make to her the very valid point that she is still friends with her ex and why is that okay?

You are letting people - including your current partner - push you around. This is your party. It sounds like it will be a fun night. It should go ahead.

I wouldn't be overly impressed if my dp invited at abusive ex to share a house with us for a night tbh.

I think the fact that you feel you have the right to stay at a property you rent out is bizarre too, you're a landlord not a flatmate.

It just seems like there aren't normal boundaries here. Why is cancelling an option above asking your ex, who you claim not to be friends with, not to come? Why do they even want to come?

She actually packed her bags and threatened to leave once, over this, it was the middle of the night, no trains or any means of her getting home. I don't understand it.

That clinches it for me that she is a manipulator and coercive controller. Do yourself one hell of a favour! Ditch her now. Your relationship is going nowhere fast and you will eventually end up isolated from everyone if she gets her way.

Keep the birthday evening and ditch the P before it.

OP has explained that ex was on substances at that time that she didn't know about, ex has apologised and has completely changed over time.

The second you start thinking to yourself, "I can't tell people about this thing they said/did, they'll think it's abusive", that's your wake up call that it is abusive. If you're hiding things from your friends so that they won't think badly about your partner, that's your sign that you should be thinking badly about your partner too.

Your birthday, your house, your rules 🤷🏼‍♀️ BTW 'partner' is a bit strong really, you've not been together a year and you're not living together. More girlfriend surely? Please don't let her ruin your birthday. Have a great night!

And yet, I don't think that would change how I felt.

If my dp had an ex who had harmed them while high, I wouldn't want them to share an overnight stay with me, whether or not they had apologised. I'd be extremely angry with the person who hurt them, I think. Abuse within intimate relationships is a serious thing to me, and I don't easily forgive people who hurt my loved ones.

@paltandsepper . You are a woman right? I hunk quite a lot of the posters think you are a man- note the use of ‘guy’ in the post you reference and the tone of various other posts.

For my 2p I don’t understand the relationship so with the abusive ex, though I guess it depends what “abuse” means in this context & I would be looking to disentangle my life, though guess that will be easier once the dog passes away. FYI if the other owner won’t sell ou can go to court to force a sale of the house. I don’t think it is healthy and would reflect on that.

All that said he’ll would freeze over before I’d let then new do control my life, she wants to cut you off form the past, including your business partner, and is using behaviour she knows makes you very uncomfortable to try and get you to dance to her tune. That is also abuse and she would be gone.

I hopw you still manage to enjoy your birthday.

*want everyone to be happy with no drama, unfortunately this usually attracts dramatic people --Is this true? I have never considered that! Why would it? I have sometimes felt DP was trying to get a reaction out of me and I am just not like that

You are the eye of the storm, calm and still in the centre, while the hurricane rages around you. You are the cause whether or not it's deliberate.

While we're here, what breed are these everlasting dogs?

As PP noted this type of staying friends with the ex is more common in lesbian circles. I know of a couple who also split years ago but still share the dog, new partners are OK and they all get on fine.

Your ex was an abusive substance misuses, she isn't now. It's up to you if you stay friends.

I don't like the sound of your new partner much. The plans were already made when you got together. You knew each other beforehand snd she knew your set up with your ex. She doesn't like your business partner either and makes comments about other people.

I thought the comment about you not being affectionate enough was telling. I don't know if there is an extra dimension there because you were two women in public, and she thought you were holding back in case judged. Or if she really does call you out if you don't meet her standards for a couple of hours.

She repeatedly shouts at you and does things like pack her bags to leave in the middle of the night. It's not even been a year OP, you don't need this nonsense in your life.

I think you may always feel she is keeping tallies and you're being judged by rules and stsndards you weren't away of and won't be able to relax.

I really think that you need to do some work on yourself to look at how and why you attract so much drama. You might also find that the nice normal people will quietly back away to avoid the chaos that surrounds you when these are the people that you need. This is going to harm you in the long run.

Cancel the 'D'P, not the party - shes a controlling and abusive cunt.

If she's not happy with your set-up, she's free to walk away. But no, she wants to dictate who you can and can't have contact with.

I think your DP is wrong to berate you, she should just break up with you but she's probably holding on to hope she can change you, which is wrong.

The situation you describe with your ex is something I would not tolerate in the first place.

I’m good friends with my ex. He wasn’t abusive. DH and him get on fine. We divorced in 1991. I met dh in 1995 so no overlap

If ex visited this area we’d possibly meet for day time coffee but there is no way I’d expect dh to have ex to stay

party invite 🤷 can’t get excited about that but staying - no. Sorry op I think you need to tweet the arrangements

DP shouldn’t be threatening to kick off but that’s a whole other can of worms - were they driven to this threat out of frustration? Did they immediately jump to the threat without reasoning first?

Tweek nit post all over social media 😂

Don’t cancel the party, it is what you want, it is you being you, it is you bringing together a bunch of people from different bits of your life. It is obviously also you to offer hospitality and a place to stay for people who have travelled (and will have had a drink). You live alone but have a girlfriend of less than a year who wants you to change who you are and how you interact with others. Yes, being in a relationship means compromise but most people achieve a gradual adapting to each other and it is usually both ways.
My biggest concern is your girlfriend’s apparent willingness or intent to get into an argument at the party. This is about her feelings and ignores how rude that would be and how distressing you would find it.

I think this thread is getting to 'ran its course' territory now.

A lot of different opinions. One thing that stands out to me is that people seem to think my ex is around me all the time. She isn't.

It's not easy, I do not have the greatest memory but I notably only see her if she comes here to look after the dog while I am away (once or twice a year). Last time she did this, while I was going to see DP I did not see her at all. Her train had left before I got back, and she arrived after I had left to go to DP's.

I saw her in April for 2 mins when dropping off the dog to take DP away for her birthday, we were going somewhere closer to ex's than my house so it made more sense for her to have the dog at her own place.

Funeral was in Jan. She wanted to come as she knew mutual friend. She ended up not doing, I put her off. I didn't say DP didn't like her or tell her anything of the issues she had, I simply said she was not well and not feeling sociable and some other white lies about the venue and capacity. I felt very guilty about it, and of course it being a public event I could not have stopped her but it being a fair way away and a bit of a trek for her, it sufficiently put her off. I didn't want to cause further ructions by telling her the truth. I was very close to that friend and it was complex grief, as he had ended his own life, I just did not feel up to dealing with conflict.

Prior to that, I saw ex briefly at a festival roughly a year prior.

Prior to that, she had come over to help me move house maybe 9 months before that.

Obviously the funeral was a 'rogue event' but other than that I see her perhaps ever 6 months to a year. And this has been the case for a very long time. There have been times when I have needed to go to her house to sort something out but mostly those things can be done remotely anyway. We converse about the house and dog mainly, she isn't someone I will message or call for a chat. We are harmonious, we have some connections through friends and the house and dog. But some posters are implying we're in one another's pockets and that I am always inviting her to spend the night, those things are simply untrue. If she's stayed here it has been for the dog, or convenience (such as she would've stayed over for the party, I would not ask anyone I know to book a hotel ordinarily when I have room, I am just not mean like that). Similarly, had ex said she wasn't able to or didn't want to attend the party I would not be upset about it, I was fine with her coming, but it isn't as such that I really wanted her there like I do with my Mum or some other friends.

One reason I posted here is I don't really feel I can talk to anybody in life. I have some great friends, good connections, I am very lucky but of course they will be likely to take my side to an extent, subconsciously even. They'll want to protect me and they do not know DP well yet. And I don't want to talk to someone who is likely to then meet DP (perhaps even for the first time!) and have an already formed opinion of her. I did not intend to withhold any information, I have seen this happen on threads before, you can't predict what people think of as important every time, what questions they will ask. And I was rushing, and in a fog of being upset and confused about this situation of course.

You are right in that I have never been a jealous person, I feel very lucky to be who and where I am, I am not hugely rich or anything else supposedly desirable but I am happy and in good health and have a lot of good people around me, I have no reason to be jealous of anybody.

So if you never see her, you barely have a friendship, why did you invite her to your birthday party? You seem to keep contradicting yourself. This is what I meant in an earlier comment about your communication being poor.